I wanted to like this game. Hell, I even defended it on other gaming sites. And for a while, I did enjoy it and felt that the negative reviews out there were totally missing the mark. I mean, what wasn't to like?

Zombie-killing? Check.

Lots of blood? Check.

Arcade-esque slash-n-hack? Check.

Laughable cutscenes? Check.

Bikini-clad heroine? Check. Though, I do have to note that they include the bikini-clad heroine's pre-teen half-sister, who wears a schoolgirl outfit and may make you feel a little uncomfortable if you're playing while your girlfriend/wife/mom is in the room. Especially when you go into dress-up mode...I'll get to that later.

So, really...what went wrong?


You don't like me? I kill zombies and wear a bikini...you sure you're hetero?

I didn't have high expectations for the title. And even though my experience wasn't all that great, I'll admit the game is good for 5-10 minute escapes from life and other, more serious games.

And I knew going into it that it wasn't going to be an epic gaming experience; it was going to be a guilty pleasure game. I wasn't buying it for the boobies (though that never hurts)...I'm a big zombie game/movie fan and needed a fix. $40 seemed like a good deal for a 360 game that let you slash your way through zombie hordes.

But, I can't overlook the bad points, especially when they are glaring. With no real depth in controls (you have several types of attacks, but mashing X will get you out of pretty much any battle), the game starts to become a "walk here, smash X, walk there, repeat" chore. Enemies come at you, smash that attack button, they're dead. Bosses probably have some sort of attack pattern, but I didn't notice; I jumped right in and smashed that X button like crazy, occasionally hitting A to get Aya or Saki off the ground. What had started off as a game that reminded me of my quarter-wasting arcade days was slowly devolving into a game that I had wished I paid much less than $40 for.

There are enemies that require a bit more finesse than others, where you need to land "Cool" combos to kill them. But once you figure out how to do them (don't look in the instruction manual...that joke is 7 pages of English, with the remaining 18 in other languages), you're back to mindlessly attacking everything that appears on-screen.


Kick, slash, be bored outta your mind!

The camera is a bit wonky at times; one point, I have full-360 degree motion. Move a little further, I can only spin 180 degrees. Further down the road, it's practically locked into place. Targetting an enemy will move the camera so you're facing it, but if it was locked to a limited space prior to that, it remains that way.

Difficulty is a joke. On the first stage, I sustained no damage until I reached the boss, and even then, damage was minor. Second stage, same thing. I was playing on Normal, and while I don't expect an all-out attack by the zombies, I was hoping for something a bit more challenging. I've read that the higher levels aren't really much different.

I tried to overlook the poorly-made cutscenes. Japanese voice-overs are cool, but they give you no option to switch to English; you're forced to read all the text they present. In some cases, it ain't so bad...even the minute-long text scroll at the beginning. But it gets really annoying after playing for a while.

And right from the get-go, the cutscenes stutter and tear. Horribly. An overhead shot of a city, zooming into the living room of Aya and Saki, would stutter every half-second, as if my disc drive was having problems reading the disc, or acting like there were scratches and fingerprints on it.

Thing is, I installed the game to my HDD, so I can't blame the lens or disc.

Other cutscenes suffered the same fate; camera moved, screen would stutter.

And the screen-tearing would happen every time the camera moved. It also happened during gameplay. I don't pretend to know the technical reasons behind this, so I decided to Google it. Yeah, it has happened in other games (Lego Star Wars is one that comes to mind), but up until Onechanbara, I never felt the need to figure out why it happens; it was never bad enough in other games to warrant a further look.

According to Wikipedia, screen tearing is a "phenomenon in video where a newly rendered frame overlaps a previously rendered frame, creating a torn look as two parts of an object (such as a wall) don't line up. This occurs when the output device sends frames out of sync with the display's refresh rate.

Screen tearing can occur on all display types but is most common with video games and videos decoded and shown by computers, as heavy processing can limit synchronization capabilities. It is less common with other mediums such as DVD players and TVs since the frames are not dynamically generated as they are with computers, but are preset."

So, learn something new every day. Why Onechanbara is affected more than other games, I can only guess: it's a budget title, and the developer didn't feel like putting a lot of effort in making sure that the cinematics were spot on. Just wanted to make sure the boobies bounce and blood splatters.


The cutscenes are awful, but hey...I'm only wearing a towel and panties! Spank time!

The game does give quite a bit of replay value; it gives you quests that, when completed, unlock different outfits for the girls to wear. Each quest has three levels, and upon completion of the third, you gain an achievement.

The quests are vague. They are listed in-game, but only by name: "Acquisition of a strange woman", "Swallow's Dance", and "Insane Libido" are a few examples. You tell me what you think you need to do to achieve those...and I'll tell you you're wrong. I don't need to have my hand held to figure things out, but a little bump in the right direction would be okay. Maybe instead of a "???" under the quest, they could say something like "Counter stance is the key" or "A messy sword is good sometimes".

Okay, maybe you didn't buy it for the gameplay. Maybe you can overlook the bad cutscenes, mindless controls, lame story, and everything else you'd expect from a last-gen budget title...and you're in it for the sex appeal. Hey, that's fine. I won't judge you...pervert.

D3 isn't making any apologies for the T&A allowed in dress-up mode. With no costumes available at the start of the game (they won't even let you use the default outfit each girl starts with), the only costume you can create prior to playing is the bra-and-panties look. Awesome for those of us that don't have access to porn (pretty sure 100% of America can find a source of porn within 5 minutes nowadays), amusing and/or embarrassing for those of us that do.

And Saki's pre-unlockables option is cringe-worthy. Not really looking to play as a pre-teen girl in only her training bra and underwear. Pretty sure that shit will get you marked as a pedophile in the States...maybe not Japan.

After unlocking outfits, you aren't going to find a whole lot of depth in dress-up mode. Each girl gets 3 articles of clothing and different hairstyles, along with hair, eye, skin, and lip colors. Not even sure why they bothered with the body items, as changing Aya's hair color from red to blonde to brown didn't really change much. And you aren't really going to see her eye or lip color while playing. Should've just dropped those for more outfits. They have promised DLC, but I don't know when that's going to drop. Plus, not going to wait around to pay 200 points for a new top.


When bikinis aren't skimpy enough for zombie-killing...

Wondering about breast-physics? Yeah, you are. They bounce ridiculously, probably the way they do in those Dead or Alive volleyball games (no, never played them). Aya would jump, and a half-second after landing, they leap upwards and jiggle around. Yes, I checked. If you own the game, I'm sure you did as well. Good for a laugh, and maybe some out there who need a bit of material for "alone time".

So, okay...I realize I've probably gone on longer than I should have. My verdict? Rent it. Or if you ever spot it in the bargain bin for $10, snag it. But at $40, there's better ways to spend the cash; pick up all of the George Romero "...of the Dead" flicks, subscribe to a porn site, purchase a good hack-n-slash (like Castle Crashers), buy some porn DVDs, buy a cheap hooker in Atlantic City (probably have enough left over for gas as well), grab a few skin mags from Barnes and Noble...though, that last one could get embarrassing when you get to the counter and the cute cashier looks at you like you are the biggest creep in the world. Not that, uh, it's ever happened to me...


At least we'll get some cute-girl cosplay pics out of it...