So I decided to take advantage of GameStop's buy 2 get 1 free used games sale to get some PS3 goodness for cheap. Heavenly Sword (I know, I am ashamed I have yet to play this game), Lego Star Wars: Complete Saga (I had to, no questions) and Untold Legends: Dark Kingdom. Why Untold Legends? I didn't have a lot of money, it was two player co-op and my brother (who would be visiting) and I like role playing games, especially dungeon crawlers (Diablo and Diablo II both kept us hooked for a long time. Thanks, Blizzard, but you ruined my chances of getting laid).

So, the day starts off with some NHL 09 because it is the best game ever. Then, we spin up Untold Legends: Dark Kingdom. Now, before the game ever loaded, we had already started to make cracks at the name and vowed to create an RPG entitled "Hidden Mysteries of the Nether Regions and the Land of Mist and Pain" as to carry on the tradition of ridiculously bleak names for RPGs.

A name is a name, though, and we hoped for a good experience. However, our hopes were quickly smothered by the three choices of "heroes" we could choose from: the warrior, the scout, and the mage. It was painful trying to pick your class (I mean hero) from that incredibly cliche trio of characters. I picked the mage solely because I like flinging fireballs at people (and by people, I mean demons, and by the five minutes I had spent in the game, I knew it would include fireballs. What cliche RPG realm does not include fireballs?) My brother, being the chauvinistic pig that he is, picked the scout because he likes tits. The scout has got some nice tits.

As we begin running around in this world, we can't stop having a good time. And not the good kind of a good time, but the kind of time you at the expense of someone's pain, suffering, or humiliation. This enjoyment was definitely at the expense of this game and its developers. How did this pass Quality Assurance?

Almost every five minutes we witnessed a cut scene, and not a worthwhile one. We are talking about cut scenes just to show you a monster knocked down a wooden fence post and was coming your way. Oh no! Not to mention, anytime enemy soldiers/demons/whatever appeared in a cutscene, they fell out of the freaking sky. It's raining enemy soldiers! Hallelujah!

The game reminded me of what Diablo would have looked like had it been developed by crackbabies who graduated a computer science program at a state college. But, the scout does have great tits. The combat was also lacking... even for a hack'n'slash. You had the basic attacks - a ranged and a melee - and then spells and combos. Combo attacks were done rather simply: you hit X, X, O and it does super sonic awesome mega tit crush or something. But that was it. It would have been nice to utilize different skills to create your own combos, but alas, not in this game. The spells were actually tricky for me to figure out. Upon leveling up, I put points into "chain lightning" (another classic spell that really shouldn't be in any other game from now on, please. At least change the name.) I could select a spell with the d-pad and hit "x" and it looked it was selected, but by pushing "x" I was still doing the same fast attack. However, if I hit L1 and X, I performed the other spell (regardless of what was selected) so I was entirely turned off by that odd system.

The voice acting is about as good as you in bed (no matter what any one else may say, it's not true), and as a result of the poor voice acting, weak story, pointless cut scenes and simplistic combat, this game fails at engaging me (and probably most of you) in the game and failed at portraying an interesting story. If a game isn't that great but it has an amazing story, I will at least stomach the nonsense of the game to find out what's next. Untold Legends should remain untold.