The fourth Thursday of November. To some cultures it is just another day but for us Americans it means everything. It's a celebration of freedom, of pride, but most of all of turkey. It's called Thanksgiving and it knows your name.

Now, for all of you non-Americans, be you British, Chinese, or Alaskan, here is your history lesson for the day. In 1492, the Turkish Empire was ruling the newly conquered America with an iron fist. Luckily, America had a secret weapon. A living secret weapon. An intelligent living secret weapon... with glasses.

Ben Franklin.



Using his power to control electricity he shot a single lightning bolt from his eyes and destroyed the king of the Turkish Empire and his entire army. Now, I bet you're thinking: How could he destroy so many people with one single lightning bolt?

One word: Bifocals

With America's newly gained independence the President of America, Christopher Columbus, ordered his citizens to create a meal that would be eaten every year in celebration. Three days later a lowly commoner approached him with her new creation held within an orange Tupperware container. Inside was something shaped similar to a chicken but bigger and infused with the power of God himself. She called it turkey. Oh, and her name? It was Rachel Ray.



Now, that everyone is clear on the history of not only America but turkey, as well, let us see how turkey has influenced our beloved medium of choice, video games.

Health Power-ups

A turkey leg. What could be a better symbol for an item that will replenish not only your health but your spirit. That little bone with meat wrapped around it is more than just a piece of food used to keep your stomach from growling. It is the material that keeps America and in return the entire world turning. Most people imagine God as this human-like old guy with a big white beard. How pathetic of the human race to think their god would take the form of us lowly beings. He is obviously shaped like a turkey leg. He is our sustenance, our spiritual stew.



That is why it makes complete sense that the most brilliant game designers would choose the turkey leg as their item of choice for health restoration. In Castlevania, Simon Belmont gathers many throughout his adventure to slay Dracula, who is obviously the "anti-Christ". As Simon Belmont digests these "turkey legs" he is filled with the strength of God himself thus allowing him to continue his quest to slay the anti-christ.

Other notable games that feature a turkey leg for sustenance are: Duke Nukem, Streets of Rage, and best of all Rampage: World Tour.

Killing Turkeys

Lately, Modern Warfare 2 has been stirring up some controversy for the scene where the player is forced to murder innocent pedestrians. Now, I can see the point in debating and discussing this subject but there are bigger fights to be fought.

There are games that make you kill turkeys.



The first culprit: South Park for the Nintendo 64 and Sony PlayStation. Not only do you kill turkeys, you kill hundreds of them. And you can pee on a snowball and throw it at them.

Would you pee on America's freedom? Would you pee on God himself?

I just can't see how this game passed the censors, especially with it being on a Nintendo system, which is only for kids. I can understand it being on Sony's box of sin and sodomy but come on Nintendo! What were you thinking?

It doesn't help that South Park is the greatest FPS ever made and pretty much everyone who owns a video game owns this game. Peoples' minds everywhere are being corrupted.

And then there are two other games that do that same thing! Redneck Deer Huntin' and a hidden game in Doom 3, Super Turbo Turkey Puncher 3.



Redneck Deer Huntin' is a game based on the culture of people who live in Southern America, where they shoot animals for fun while drinking beer and having sex with their family members. They also think Jeff Foxworthy is funny. I can understand the educational purposes of this game as it gives the player a chance to truly understand the culture and what it means to live in a place like Alabama or Mississippi. But, when took out of context this game has the power to warp minds just like South Park did.

The other game is Super Turbo Turkey Puncher 3, which is obviously the last in a trilogy. I couldn't find any information on the first to Super Turbo Turkey Puncher games but that's obviously because they have all been destroyed because of their anti-American attitude. Let's just hope that Super Turbo Turkey Puncher 3 suffers the same fate. And id Software, it doesn't make it any better that you hid the game within your Doom 3 software. You're still sinners in America's book.

Hitting Things with a Turkey Leg

I've saved the best for last.

Tom and Jerry: Fists of Furry. (Did Jim Sterling think of that of subtitle? He's soooo good at puns.)



This game is the best game ever made. It's like Power Stone but better and with Tom and Jerry characters. In it your purpose is to use your "Fists of Furry" and beat up your opponent before they beat you up. Just like the cartoon!

Now, you can use just your fists but that isn't going to get you very far. Occasionally, a turkey leg will appear that you can pick up. As I've discussed before this turkey leg symbolizes freedom and the power of God. With it you can now beat God's love into your opponent thus causing them to lose health points faster. Eventually, your opponent will be knocked out or die from blunt force trauma and you win! It's just like real life!

It's truly a rewarding experience and shows how powerful video games can really be. When I need to show someone that games can truly be art I always show them Shadow of the Colossus, Flower, and Tom and Jerry: Fists of Furry. It works every time.

Have a good Thanksgiving everyone! I hope everyone has learned something today.

Love,

Alex