Full Version     |     Sign Up     |     Login

Browse   |   Reviews   |   Pop   Blogs   Forum
Community   |   Promoted   |   Followed   |   Staff

whatsacow's blog

Ye Old First Person Shooters Do Things Better
1:39 PM on 04.23.2015
4 Worst Video Games Ever Made
3:07 AM on 04.22.2015
7:33 AM on 04.20.2015
Chrono Cross Remix
10:03 PM on 01.12.2014
Playing Dark Souls Using My FISTS!!!
2:15 PM on 10.16.2013
Blakes Top 20 Most Anticipated Games of 2013 Part 1
2:36 PM on 01.24.2013

Previous   |   Home

Home   |   Browse   |   Reviews   |   Popular

Full Version     |     Sign Up     |     Login

whatsacow's Profile - Destructoid
whatsacow 's blog
Hi. My name is Blake. I like games and shit. I study at university... writing and that jazz, though you probably couldn't tell it. Ok, shit you want to know.

Favourite Games:
10. Half Life 2
9. Fallout New Vegas
8. Skate 2
7. Vampire: The Masquerade - Bloodlines
6. Tony Hawks Pro Skater 2
5. Silent Hill 2
4. TES: Oblivion
3. Doom 2
2. Resident Evil 4
1. Dark Souls.

Favourite Movies: Cabin in the Woods, Shaun of the Dead, Clerks, Fight Club, Machete, Dr Horribles Sing Along Blog.

Favourite TV Shows: Community, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Daredevil, It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, Black Books, Spaced, Parks and Rec, Arrested Development, The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, 30 Rock, etc.

Favourite Bands: Maudlin of the Well, Diablo Swing Orchestra, Clouddead, El-P, Busdriver, Dalek, Agalloch, Eminem, Cynic, Porcupine Tree, Ne Obliviscaris, Opeth, Wolves in the Throne Room, Moonsorrow, Unexpect, Enslaved, etc.
Following (4)  


Usually, I'm the first person to tell nostalgia hounds how wrong they are. You know the ones. Those folks who think that their two million 2-D brawlers are somehow more diverse than our two million military shooters. The kind of people who hate how companies nickel and dime us with DLC, but remember fondly when they were nickel and dimed by arcade machines. The kind of people who owned slaves and killed foreigners as an outlet for their repressed sexuality.

Well. That got out of hand. 

Anyway, I have a certain fondness for older first person shooters. Shoot me in the foot and call me a hypocrite, but I believe that there are a lot of things they do better than the titles we currently have. I should point out that I don't believe this is nostalgia. I did not play many old school first person shooters when I was younger. Those I played in my youth are as follows: Goldeneye, Serious Sam, Timesplitters 2, Halo, and Turok. I mean hell,Doom was released when I was only one year old. Duke Nukem was released when I was four! Pretty much every other shooter I've played has been played in the last five years, so it's not nostalgia. Some older games in this particular genre do things better.

And I'm going to use examples to prove it.


Man, it sure is fun to shoot wave after wave of enemy with no time to catch your breath. It's not like things get boring when you're constantly exposed to them. Oh wait. That's exactly what happens, and that's exactly why Call of Duty: Ghosts is terrible.

Compare this with something like Half Life 2. In Half Life 2, you start the game with no weapon. Man, half of you are already bleeding out of your ears in pain at those words. "Start with no weapons? But that defies the constitution! Doesn't every baby pop out of the womb with an AK-47? Don't they learn to shoot any middle eastern people with a beard by the time they're two? No guns? They may as well be Communists!"

No, Blake's Weirdly Racist Idea of America. They do not. 

But yes, you start without a weapon. Even more surprising, it takes roughly twenty minutes to acquire one, and it's not even a gun. It'a goddamn crowbar! Instead of instantly shooting the first person you see, you are encouraged to talk to them. You are forced to explore the city, soak in the situation, and relish the environment. While doing so, your future actions are given context. You learn that aliens invaded, and won a war within seven hours. You learn that everyone on Earth is sterile because of an alien force field. You experience firsthand the oppression that most of Earth's citizens face on a daily basis.

With all this knowledge, you understand why you are fighting, and it makes each Combine death that much more meaningful.

The game is then broken up into Combat Sections and Quiet Sections. Sometimes, you're solving a puzzle. Sometimes, you're listening to exposition. Sometimes, you're simply exploring. This is what we call downtime,and it is incredibly important, and should never be left out of any medium. Especially not something interactive. Downtime allows a player to have a rest, get their bearings, and mentally prepare for the next encounter. This also allows encounters to be much more engaging, as A) you don't know when they'll take place, leaving you constantly on edge, and B) you won't tire of them as easily, allowing them to keep their potency and enjoyability throughout.

Alright, but this is just Valve right? They're like supergeniuses who made other perfect games like Portal andCounter-Strike. Older Shooters totally didn't do this. Wrong. Motherflipping Doom did this. You know the much hated Key hunting? There's a reason that exists: to break up the monotony of shooting.

So, there you go. Some older games were better at pacing. However, it doesn't stop there.


You know what I love about shooting games? Shooting. You know what makes shooting even better? Weapon variety! Which is why it's a shame when I play Battlefield 3 and almost every goddamn weapon is a reskinned assault rifle. I know you're trying to be realistic game, but in the last game, I played I drove a jeep into an airborne helicopter and lived.

Where is your reality now?

Compare this to Painkiller, a game in which every gun feels completely different. There's a gun that shoots shurikens for its main attack, and lightning as a spicy alternative. There's a shotgun that doubles as one of those Things that Freezes People. There's a gun that shoots stakes at people and nails them to walls. That's variety. Every gun is different. Every gun is valuable. And every gun is fun.

Look, I know in a lot of games set in modern times that value authenticity you can't have shrink rays and explosive grannies, but you can try. Do what Half Life did and lower the amount of weapons, meaning that the ones you receive and utilize have radically different uses. Have an assault rifle that is fully automatic, one that uses burst fire, and burn the rest. Have two shotguns instead of six million. Two pistosl? That's probably all you really need. And if you want to go crazy and have a million weapons, at least make sure they feel different in some way. At the very least, make them useful in certain contexts but rubbish in others. Something.


Bioshock: Infinite is boring on the second playthrough.

Once you know what happens, the awesome – and I do mean awesome – story isn't enough to hook you. The world isn't as magical as it once was, and you've explored it to your hearts content. All that's left is the gameplay, and may god have mercy on our souls that isn't much to love. 

The problem with Bioshock: Infinite is that, with a few exceptions, you're fighting the same enemy over and over again. Sure, there are a few different enemies — plasmid guys, discount big daddies, and a ghost that made me uninstall the game for a month and only reinstalled it because my girlfriend wanted to know how it ended — but mostly you're fighting police officers. Oh, but later on in the game, you get to fight black people.

This is a problem. If every enemy feels the same, there is no variety. If there's no variety, the game quickly becomes boring. If a game is boring, then why the hell am I playing it?

Contrast this with Serious Sam. In this game, there are twenty-five main varieties of enemies, some of which include subcategories. That doesn't include bosses. Every enemy behaves entirely differently. There are headless kamikazis. There are giant scorpions with machine guns, mechanoid aliens that shoot rockets at you, bulls, electric fish, giant sentient balls of lava, and more.

What makes Serious Sam so interesting is that each of these enemies are a puzzle unto themselves. They each require different tactics to defeat. They each have different weaknesses; some guns work better on some enemies. The best part? You'll often be up against several enemies at once, requiring you to adjust your tactics on the fly.

This is fun.

This is tense.

This is awesome.

 Shooting the same looking British dude over and over again is not those things.


The image pretty much sums it up. Since I'm supposed to be using examples, the linear one is Medal of Honor: Warfighter, and the awesome complex one is Duke Nukem 3D.

Duke Nukem 3D has multilayered levels with secrets galore. Don't you miss secrets? Don't you miss level design that gave you options? Don't you miss when you actually remembered landmarks and used an actual map to navigate? Don't you miss not being failed for moving a fraction of an inch from where the developers intended?

Well, I do.

And shut up.

I'm not old.

There is obviously far too much positivity on the internet, so to counterbalance it, I thought I'd bring some bile and vitriol to the table. Some games are just terrible, and it's up to us as gamers to collectively shame the artistic visions of those far more talented than ourselves.

So, here's a list of the four worst games that have ever existed.



Wow. Just wow. The cover to this game looks amazing.

I mean look at those awesome soldiers looking all awesome with their awesome weapons and awesome whatnot! I start up the game expecting to kill some aliens Halo style when I notice something is very wrong. It must be a glitch or something, but my camera was stuck behind my character. I couldn't see through my characters eyes! I couldn't feel the skull crunching agony of my enemies as I killed them.

I eventually got over this enormous issue and decided to give the game a go, but it didn't get any better. Most of this game is . . . talking. I spent more time reading than I did shooting. What is this — a book? It's ridiculous! I don't give a damn about the Serbians or the Creepers or whatever the hell I'm fighting, I just want them to die. I thought I could skip the cutscenes, but nope, turns out I have to "make decisions." Me? Make a decision? That affects other people beside myself? That's ridiculous; far too much pressure to put on a gamer.

The shooting is fun and all, but there's just not enough of it. I mean there are entire levels where all you can do is walk and talk. How dumb is that?



Ok, so this game is made by Naughty Dog, the guys behind Uncharted — AND IT HAS ZOMBIES! I mean, Uncharted with zombies sounds like the greatest thing ever. Right?


In this game, you have very few bullets, which kind of impedes your ability to shoot things. Not only that, but the story is really bad. I don't play as the hero, I make zero one-liners, and the game is just depressing. Why can't it just be a cathartic killing marathon, like all video games should be? I need my characters to be heroic, to be purely good, and not be really explored much beyond their immediate comedic value and their ability to end human lives.

Also, I constantly have to babysit this little girl everywhere, and I can't even bang her. She's over 10, and if I've learnt anything from Dead or Alive, it means she's fair game! It's like fatherhood the video game. I even had to get her a fucking pony at one point.



This game is extremely offensive. You have to kill AMERICANS! What is this, a 9/11 simulator? AMERICANS ARE NOT THE BAD GUYS! We are the good guys! We're heroes, heroes that single-handedly defeated the Nazis, stopped the Communists, killed Osama Bin Laden, and killed Sadam Hussein! Jesus was American! You wouldn't kill Jesus would you? No, because killing Jesus dying wouldn't do any good for anyone.

The game makes me sick. It's set in Dubai as well, so you might as well play as the Taliban!

I thought this game would amazing because it was America fighting in an Arab nation. There's sand! You don't get much more patriotic than spilling bearded blood on sand! I think it's messed up that we have to resort to killing white people in video games, especially when every other ethnicity is much more clearly and objectively evil.

1. Alien Isolation

You play as a girl.

Why, oh why do I have to play as a girl? I'm not a girl. I can't sympathize with a girl. And what in the bloody hell is she doing fighting? Girls should only fight when they're naked and / or in pools of mud! Which reminds me: she is wearing far too much clothing, her boobs aren't big enough, and she looks too old. Why can't she be like the girls in Dead or Alive? Those guys know how to make a well-rounded female character!

Even worse: what if the game asks you to kiss a guy? That is DISGUSTING. It's wrong! I'm a guy, and my character could be kissing a guy! Since virtually all gamers are men, I think this game should be banned, because its clear subconscious agenda is to turn those men into raging queers. We all know what monsters the homosexuals are! Did you know they can hypnotise you with their eyes? They can also now act straight, so ANYONE you know could be gay. It's like The Thing with less murder and more, well, things.

Let's focus. Back to the game. What's worse than playing as a girl? Acting like a girl. There's a big alien thing and because I'm a girl I can't kill it. I have to run and hide in a locker and have a little cry. I kept waiting for the part where I played the real hero and came and rescued her.

It's just the worst game ever as far as I'm concerned.


7:33 AM on 04.20.2015

You know who I hate? Gay people. They're sexist and they hate women. We should burn them. Straight people too. Are you aware that just by preferring one gender over the over you are discriminating against almost half of the population? That's pretty fucked up. Do you like intelligent people? You're an ablist fascist. Are you attracted to attractive people? You're an asshole. What about all of the wonderful uggos out there? Basically, if someone asks you for sex, you should never turn them down. Unless you're a woman, because rape is bad and only women can get raped.

You know who I love? Black people. We should treat them like everyone else. Except don't tell jokes about them. Also, don't ask them questions. Hell, don't even talk to them, because you might say something to upset them. Black people are more sensitive and weak than white people, and their brains simply cannot understand the things we can.

You know what I think? I think we should all live in perfect harmony and treat each other equally. Except women should rule, white people should be slaves, straight people should stick to masturbation and when they masturbate they aren't allowed to think of the other gender because that's OBJECTIFICATION, and that is worse than anything else you can do. Objectification is worse than slavery. It's worse than the holocaust. If you even think about a woman sexually, you are worse than Hitler if Hitler was a pedophile. 

 And if you're a woman, congratulations! You're free to do what you want. Except you should probably burn anything pink, shave your head and become a lesbian, because if you don't you're selling out your gender and you should kill yourself.

 Everyone is free to conform to the standards we set. Preach love. Preach happiness. And do it one bullet at a time.

10:03 PM on 01.12.2014

Hey, I made a remix of the track Dream of the Shore Near Another World. If you could, please watch it, like it, and comment? I'd like this to get out there and get some views. I'm sorry if this seems like tacky self promotion, but I don't see any other way for people to watch it. Tell me what you thought!


Hello, people of the internet! I'm Blake Turner, and today I am going to play Dark Souls in ways it clearly wasn't intended to be played. We're talking alternative builds here guys, and the first is one I'm lovingly referring to as "Fist Puncher." 
The rules of this build: no normal weapons. No armour except pants. Only my fists and fist based weapons. Also . . . I just realised that I won't get my first weapon until after I fight the Taurus Demon. That's right. I'm going to be taking him on with my fists. Probably in the next episode.
Sit back and Prepare To (Watch Me) Die.Also, if you like this video, please give it a like and subscribe over at The You Tubes. Gives us more exposure, and, well, I just like to know that you care about me.


Ok, so the first article I've written for a proper gaming site is up. I'm quite proud of it, it's a rewrite of part 1 of my top 20 games of the year. Please read it, like it and/or comment on it, but especially like it, partly because it looks good, and partly because everytime you click the like button you receive a shower of hearts! Also, read the other guys stuff if possible. They're really talented guys that write some damn interesting and witty stuff, and they have quite a unique writing voice.

Here are the links:

My Article: http://plus10damage.com/blog/2013/1/23/pbjb11ihsmqai2w3ty52cqf510krf9

The Site in general: http://plus10damage.com/