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If Game Developers Made Movies!

by whatsacow   //   7:42 AM on 01.20.2013

Well, it's been a weird couple of years for the entertainment industry, hasn't it? After the video game industry collapsed in 2014 due to the astronomical costs of developing one level and the fact that Atari tried to make another E.T. adaptation, the few companies that weren't driven immediately bankrupt decided to turn their attentions to film. Were they a success? Well lets look back at some of my reviews of these films.



Studio: Bioware

Film: Star Wars: Epilogue Trilogy

When Disney stopped making films and became a political party who's ideals were murder ugly people, enforce racial stereotypes and ban sex, somebody had to snatch up the Star Wars license. That somebody was Bioware.

I have mixed feelings with the series. Ditching all well known character except for brief cameos seemed like a disastrous move, though fortunately for us it turned out to be genius incarnate. The first film was decent, it had a lot of charm and depth to it but it was weighed down with the need to constantly show us the character reorganising their saddle bags and learning skills. It may have added to the realism a little, but it was still bizarre and turned a lot of people off. The action scenes were kind of bland, with all of them basically being the same action scene in a different setting. Also, how many fucking times are the characters guns going to overheat in battle?
The second film was, much like in the original Star Wars series, the pinnacle. It was a masterstroke of character building and the dialogue was superbly written. It was funnier, darker, and a whole lot more was at stake. The fact that half the crew was wiped out in the final battle was a stroke of heart wrenching genius, especially since we spent most of the last two movies getting to know each and every character, their quirks and their history. The battles were significantly improved over the originals, as they were riddled with suspense and were generally pretty damn entertaining. They were still all practically the same though. It was mildly disappointing to the teenage male demographic, as the sex scene was quite a lot tamer than last time.

The third film could have been amazing. It could have been the film to end all films. It could have taken this trilogy past even the original in terms of story and character development. But it isn't, and it's all because of that god awful excuse for an ending. Seriously, the ending of this film is so pathetic that it's banned in Poland. Honestly, no ending is better than this piece of crap. Which is a shame, because the rest of the film was a masterpiece. The action scenes were finally up to scratch, the dialogue was better than ever, and the stakes couldn't possibly get any higher unless the Sith Lords were paedophiles as well as destroyers of the universe. I'm not going to ruin the ending for those of you who haven't seen it, since Bioware have already done a brilliant job at that, but don't expect anything good. Hell, don't expect it to be the worst thing ever made because you'll still be disappointed.

Overall, the series was a success. Despite it's issues, it still managed to be better than the prequel trilogy, and it came closer than ever before to capturing the original series glory. Honestly though, I don't think anybody doubted Biowares film making chops as their last couple of games were basically amazing choose your own adventure films with a shitty Gears of War clone thrown in.



Studio: Activision

Film: Present Day Hostility

Director: Michael Bay

Review Taken from: The Angry Film Guy

Reviewing this film seems pointless, because by now you've already seen this movie twelve times, named your kids after one of the main characters and pledged never to watch anything else as long as you live. This film has become the highest grossing movie of all time within the first two weeks, taking over “tits” as the most googled thing ever, and practically turning Activision into a fucking world power. It's easy to understand why, as this is a dumb film that caters almost exclusively to braindead fucktards who can only become erect if the American national anthem is playing, and since that's everyone according to Americans, we get to watch the same fucking film get released next year and the year after, as Activision have stated this will be a yearly franchise.

Honestly, I understand why young men watch this, as the film is full of explosions, gunshots, and the kind of fistpumping bravado that cause your testicles to explode, but I'm hard pressed to find a reason why its got all the critics gushing at the thighs. The most talked about scene is where the main character is dying midway through the film, alone and afraid. This is seen as genre defining, and highlighting the horrors of war, which seems highly inconsistent in a film that would drop to their knees holding a sign that says “I have no gag reflex” upon the mere mention of a conflict. The whole scene reeks of shock tactics and is forgotten within minutes, apart from a bit at the end when the characters suddenly remember their best friend had died and say things like “he is the pure embodiment of what America stands for,” apparently having no concept of syntax or actual American values.

The biggest flaw in this film is that it is paced terribly. There is almost no room to breathe, with an action scene every two seconds, each containing at least twelve explosions and each with a silent slow motion scene of an American soldier being gunned down. It reminds me of an ADHD kid who has Parkinson's disease because even if you could break this films legs and tie it to a chair it still wouldn't sit still. It constantly seems to be switching locations and character perspective, seemingly in an attempt to make their seem like theirs more plot than there actually is. Honestly, I have no idea what the fucking plot to this film is as it seems like they came up with a bunch of awesome action pieces, and paid a random janitor five bucks to fit them together.

Overall, this film is like having sex with Snookie: Sure it might be fun while it lasts but you can't help feeling that you're now at least thirty percent dumber.



Studio: Blizzard
Film: Diabolical Warcraft

Blizzard have pissed a lot of people off recently, as they have announced that their latest film Diabolical Warcraft will only ever be shown in Theatres. It will never ever be released to DVD so no one is allowed to watch it buy themselves. They figure that their film should be viewed only in the company of other people, and that introverts can just go hang themselves or whatever. What kind of bullshit wankery is this? Not every town has a cinema you know Blizzard. Whatever though, they're greedy cocks. Their next project is a tv show that comes on once a month that you have to pay $30 a month to watch, and it's basically just a guy killing the same monsters over and over again, collecting shit for other people and taking up a postal job. We're supposed to enjoy this shit?

Anyway, back to the film. Diabolical Warcraft is an Action Fantasy game that's quite repetitive, extremely shallow, and really rather dull. It's got the polish of a big blockbuster film, with the special effects and grisly death scenes all looking really nice, but the lack of a compelling narrative, terrible acting, and the same scene of the character hacking, slashing, stabbing, and magicking their way through wave after wave of enemy. I was bored after the first ten minutes, and it got so bad that half way through the film a man's phone rang and the audience encouraged him to answer it, since listening to him ramble to his girlfriend would be much more entertaining the piece of shit that was on the screen.

So who would I recommend this to? No one. There's an indie film along similar lines called Flashlight Illumination that does it much better, has a DVD release so you can watch alone or with friends, and it costs 10 bucks.



So is the current wave of gaming developers films a successful one? For the most part, I'd say no. What works in one medium doesn't necessarily work in another, and though there are a few exceptions (Square Enix's latest anime looks really good, and fans of the series have been promised the same amount of interactivity as their gaming franchises... None), for the most part it seems futile and pointless. Also, I know Bethesda have released their latest fantasy epic, but I don't have 12 hours to devote to one film, so read someone elses bloody review of it.









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