Hi. My name is Blake. I like games and shit. I study at university... writing and that jazz, though you probably couldn't tell it. Ok, shit you want to know.
Favourite Games: Dark Souls, Resident Evil 4, Timesplitters 2, Silent Hill 2, Ape Escape, Banjo Kazooie.
Favourite Movies: Cabin in the Woods, Shaun of the Dead, Clerks, Fight Club, Machete, Dr Horribles Sing Along Blog.
Favourite TV Shows: Breaking Bad, Community, Arrested Development, Parks And Recreation, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Garth Marenghi's Dark Place, Black Books, The IT Crowd, Battlestar Galactica, Deadwood, South Park etc.
Favourite Bands: Maudlin of the Well, Diablo Swing Orchestra, Clouddead, Dalek, Smashing Pumpkins, Eminem, Cynic, Porcupine Tree, Ne Obliviscaris, Die Antwoord, Opeth.
Guys, I'm sorry to have to say this, but I'm giving up video games.
I was wrong.
I was wrong to enjoy this vile, wretched excuse for entertainment. I was wrong to spend hours of my time virtually murdering people. And I take back any claims I've made about this "murder, rape, and necrophilia simulator" being capable of providing art and genuinely enriching the lives of people. I was wrong.
What possible reason could there be for this change of heart, you ask? This woman.
At roughly the four-minute mark, Jeanine Pirro states that video games and movies are more responsible for terrorism than weapons are. At the time, thinking I was a sane, rational individual, I questioned this line of reasoning. I thought something similar to what you readers are probably thinking right now. How can a form of entertainment be more instrumental in the death of countless hundreds of people than actual instruments of death? I thought that was like saying "my stove doesn't cook food, Master Chef does."
How wrong I was. You see, I looked into it a bit more, and I found this video about Grand Theft Auto IV, and some of the things that were shown on this video were enough to turn me off video games for good.
Firstly, please ignore the ignorant annotations. This video was clearly edited by a psychopathic terrorist pedophile. The first bit of mind-blowing evidence of video games being Criminal-Trainers is that in World War I, soldiers feared pulling the trigger, even under the threat of death. Compare that to modern society, where almost every thirteen-year-old child on earth has killed at least one person. Grand Theft Auto came out and the homicide rate around the world multiplied by 600%. We all know this.
So, uh, I don't like being this guy, but could you please click on the link if you want to read the rest? I can't get the second video to work on this site (my own inadequacy, nothing against this divine site), and well, our website needs views. So yeah, I know, I hate reading these types of blogs too, but unfortunately, sometimes they need to happen. Anyway, click this link. Please? [b][color=#666699]http://plus10damage.com/blog/2013/5/6/guns-dont-kill-people-video-games-kill-people
Ok, so the first article I've written for a proper gaming site is up. I'm quite proud of it, it's a rewrite of part 1 of my top 20 games of the year. Please read it, like it and/or comment on it, but especially like it, partly because it looks good, and partly because everytime you click the like button you receive a shower of hearts! Also, read the other guys stuff if possible. They're really talented guys that write some damn interesting and witty stuff, and they have quite a unique writing voice.
Here are the links:
My Article: http://plus10damage.com/blog/2013/1/23/pbjb11ihsmqai2w3ty52cqf510krf9
Well, it's been a weird couple of years for the entertainment industry, hasn't it? After the video game industry collapsed in 2014 due to the astronomical costs of developing one level and the fact that Atari tried to make another E.T. adaptation, the few companies that weren't driven immediately bankrupt decided to turn their attentions to film. Were they a success? Well lets look back at some of my reviews of these films.
Film: Star Wars: Epilogue Trilogy
When Disney stopped making films and became a political party who's ideals were murder ugly people, enforce racial stereotypes and ban sex, somebody had to snatch up the Star Wars license. That somebody was Bioware.
I have mixed feelings with the series. Ditching all well known character except for brief cameos seemed like a disastrous move, though fortunately for us it turned out to be genius incarnate. The first film was decent, it had a lot of charm and depth to it but it was weighed down with the need to constantly show us the character reorganising their saddle bags and learning skills. It may have added to the realism a little, but it was still bizarre and turned a lot of people off. The action scenes were kind of bland, with all of them basically being the same action scene in a different setting. Also, how many fucking times are the characters guns going to overheat in battle?
The second film was, much like in the original Star Wars series, the pinnacle. It was a masterstroke of character building and the dialogue was superbly written. It was funnier, darker, and a whole lot more was at stake. The fact that half the crew was wiped out in the final battle was a stroke of heart wrenching genius, especially since we spent most of the last two movies getting to know each and every character, their quirks and their history. The battles were significantly improved over the originals, as they were riddled with suspense and were generally pretty damn entertaining. They were still all practically the same though. It was mildly disappointing to the teenage male demographic, as the sex scene was quite a lot tamer than last time.
The third film could have been amazing. It could have been the film to end all films. It could have taken this trilogy past even the original in terms of story and character development. But it isn't, and it's all because of that god awful excuse for an ending. Seriously, the ending of this film is so pathetic that it's banned in Poland. Honestly, no ending is better than this piece of crap. Which is a shame, because the rest of the film was a masterpiece. The action scenes were finally up to scratch, the dialogue was better than ever, and the stakes couldn't possibly get any higher unless the Sith Lords were paedophiles as well as destroyers of the universe. I'm not going to ruin the ending for those of you who haven't seen it, since Bioware have already done a brilliant job at that, but don't expect anything good. Hell, don't expect it to be the worst thing ever made because you'll still be disappointed.
Overall, the series was a success. Despite it's issues, it still managed to be better than the prequel trilogy, and it came closer than ever before to capturing the original series glory. Honestly though, I don't think anybody doubted Biowares film making chops as their last couple of games were basically amazing choose your own adventure films with a shitty Gears of War clone thrown in.
Film: Present Day Hostility
Director: Michael Bay
Review Taken from: The Angry Film Guy
Reviewing this film seems pointless, because by now you've already seen this movie twelve times, named your kids after one of the main characters and pledged never to watch anything else as long as you live. This film has become the highest grossing movie of all time within the first two weeks, taking over “tits” as the most googled thing ever, and practically turning Activision into a fucking world power. It's easy to understand why, as this is a dumb film that caters almost exclusively to braindead fucktards who can only become erect if the American national anthem is playing, and since that's everyone according to Americans, we get to watch the same fucking film get released next year and the year after, as Activision have stated this will be a yearly franchise.
Honestly, I understand why young men watch this, as the film is full of explosions, gunshots, and the kind of fistpumping bravado that cause your testicles to explode, but I'm hard pressed to find a reason why its got all the critics gushing at the thighs. The most talked about scene is where the main character is dying midway through the film, alone and afraid. This is seen as genre defining, and highlighting the horrors of war, which seems highly inconsistent in a film that would drop to their knees holding a sign that says “I have no gag reflex” upon the mere mention of a conflict. The whole scene reeks of shock tactics and is forgotten within minutes, apart from a bit at the end when the characters suddenly remember their best friend had died and say things like “he is the pure embodiment of what America stands for,” apparently having no concept of syntax or actual American values.
The biggest flaw in this film is that it is paced terribly. There is almost no room to breathe, with an action scene every two seconds, each containing at least twelve explosions and each with a silent slow motion scene of an American soldier being gunned down. It reminds me of an ADHD kid who has Parkinson's disease because even if you could break this films legs and tie it to a chair it still wouldn't sit still. It constantly seems to be switching locations and character perspective, seemingly in an attempt to make their seem like theirs more plot than there actually is. Honestly, I have no idea what the fucking plot to this film is as it seems like they came up with a bunch of awesome action pieces, and paid a random janitor five bucks to fit them together.
Overall, this film is like having sex with Snookie: Sure it might be fun while it lasts but you can't help feeling that you're now at least thirty percent dumber.
Film: Diabolical Warcraft
Blizzard have pissed a lot of people off recently, as they have announced that their latest film Diabolical Warcraft will only ever be shown in Theatres. It will never ever be released to DVD so no one is allowed to watch it buy themselves. They figure that their film should be viewed only in the company of other people, and that introverts can just go hang themselves or whatever. What kind of bullshit wankery is this? Not every town has a cinema you know Blizzard. Whatever though, they're greedy cocks. Their next project is a tv show that comes on once a month that you have to pay $30 a month to watch, and it's basically just a guy killing the same monsters over and over again, collecting shit for other people and taking up a postal job. We're supposed to enjoy this shit?
Anyway, back to the film. Diabolical Warcraft is an Action Fantasy game that's quite repetitive, extremely shallow, and really rather dull. It's got the polish of a big blockbuster film, with the special effects and grisly death scenes all looking really nice, but the lack of a compelling narrative, terrible acting, and the same scene of the character hacking, slashing, stabbing, and magicking their way through wave after wave of enemy. I was bored after the first ten minutes, and it got so bad that half way through the film a man's phone rang and the audience encouraged him to answer it, since listening to him ramble to his girlfriend would be much more entertaining the piece of shit that was on the screen.
So who would I recommend this to? No one. There's an indie film along similar lines called Flashlight Illumination that does it much better, has a DVD release so you can watch alone or with friends, and it costs 10 bucks.
So is the current wave of gaming developers films a successful one? For the most part, I'd say no. What works in one medium doesn't necessarily work in another, and though there are a few exceptions (Square Enix's latest anime looks really good, and fans of the series have been promised the same amount of interactivity as their gaming franchises... None), for the most part it seems futile and pointless. Also, I know Bethesda have released their latest fantasy epic, but I don't have 12 hours to devote to one film, so read someone elses bloody review of it.
Ok, this will only be a short blog, I promise. I am planning to do a seperate review of each campaigne in Resident Evil 6, but for now, I'm just going to note a few things.
First of all, what the fuck is with the prologue? It takes an unskippable half an hour to get to the main menu, meaning that those of you who bought this game and immediately rushed over to a friends house to play co-op, you're in for a nasty surprise. You play as Leon in this section, and it feels like an interactive trailer, and has more explosions than a Michael Bay movie. I was bored quickly, and kind of wished it was over.
When the prologue finally finished, I booted up Leon's campaigne, and I must say, I was impressed. The game paced itself well, creating a nice atmosphere. It was never scary, but it was nice to see that they at least put some effort into the structure and pacing.
Working my way through the first chapter I noticed that ammo and herbs were a lot rarer than previous games. Not that it mattered, because melee attacks are incredibly overpowered and can take out large groups of zombies. Well, there goes any sense of danger... The shooting mechanics work nicely though, and once you work out the dodge system, the game gets into a nice rythm that flows quite well.
Fuck Quicktime events. Fuck them to hell. Especially ones pertaining to the analogue sticks. I don't need them every time I get attacked by a zombie. They detract from the flow, and if you're overwhelmed (which happens quite a bit) it happens entirely too frequently. Also, while we're condemning things... those fucking zombie dogs are stupidly difficult to defeat. You can't really kick them, and they move too quickly to shoot. They're too difficult for this early on in the game.
Capcom, if you have one more person tell me I need to hold off a group of survivors before you let me into a room or building, I will murder you. I'm on the second chapter and it's happened at least 3 times already. Damn, this is annoying.
Also, a little work on the tutorial? I want things to be explained organically, not have to read a novel every three seconds in the first chapter. And the healing system? You have to click a herb, combine it with another herb, and another possible one after that, then turn them into tablets, then close the menu and use them ONE AT A TIME! Oh, by the way, that menu doesnt pause the game, so it can take a good 15 valuable seconds to prepare the herbs, and then you have to take them, one at a time. It wastes time and gets you killed quickly. Also, if you're controller goes flat, or disconnects, the game doesnt pause. I wouldnt mind this in a game like Dark Souls or an MMO because there is no Pause button, however, there is a pause button in this game. So uh... you chose to cut to the menu that doesnt pause the game? Wtf.
Overall, Leon's Campaign feels like it has a lot of potential, but is marred by the fact that every body who works at capcom was apparently raped in the ear by a pornstar as a child, and as such, are unable to think about anything logically. There are so many incredibly stupid decisions in the game that turn this otherwise brilliant game into a shithole. A shithole I still feel compelled to play, so maybe their intense retardation is contagious. Anyway, Come back later for my full review of Leons Campaign!
Well, I'm finally getting around to part 2. For my destructoid readers, it's only been a couple of days since I posted the original blog, but for my 1-up readers? It's been about 2 months. I did start to write this ages ago, but I kept changing my mind about what my top 10 games actually were. But now I've narrowed it down, and picked a definitive list of games I know will stay in here for quite some time. Also, I'm finally bored enough to actually write this fucker. Also, since some of these descriptions were getting quite long I decided to split the blog up again, just to make reading easier for you lazy cockbites. So without further ado, I bring to you MARSHAL!!!!!! Ok... If you read on I promise to never make an Eminem reference ever again...
10: Batman: Arkham Asylum: Before I start, yes this picture is from the Grant Morrison/Dave McKean masterpiece, but it's certainly a hell of a lot better than the dross that passed for the game's cover. Hell, I'd prefer a picture of a pair of shemale testicles over the crap they put on there. I almost didn't buy the game because it looked like shit. I thought, great, another in the long line of games that won't serve justice to my second favourite fictional character (First being Jesus), and will probably tarnish his name even further. Even better, they're using my favourite of his comics, and there is no way a mainstream video game could do it justice, unless it was designed by the team behind Silent Hill 3. Oh how wrong I was.
The team chose wisely to have Arkham Asylum become just a setting, and have little connection to the tone of the comic. There are still horror elements in the game, and even psychological aspects, but this is an entirely beast, and that's not a bad thing. While I would have liked more doubt in Batman's sanity, his wondering whether walking into Arkham Asylum "would feel like home," I was genuinely impressed with the overall feel of the game. Arkham Asylum felt right as a setting. The villains were well characterised and the voice acting was phenomenal. They got the atmosphere, the look, and sound of Batman right, however it would all be worth nothing if the gameplay wasn't up to scratch.
Well, the game got that right also, and for the first time in a batman game, you used a mix of stealth, combat, and detective deduction to make your way through the game, and each single element of that mix was satisfying in itself. The stealth made your heart race as you eliminated each character one by one, inducing fear into the remaining ones as they witnessed their victims fall. The combat was visceral and brutal without the need for gore. The puzzles tested your mind without being too hard. This was a true batman game, and I'm going erect just thinking about it.
9. Tony Hawks Pro Skater 2: The Playstation and nintendo 64 were the first consoles I owned. My uncle owned the sega mega drive, and my mum owned the snes. So a playstation was like a birthday present. The first games I remember playing on it were Abe's Exoddus, Resident Evil, and this. Since I was 8 (My uncle used the console more than me, hence why I had all these games I probably shouldn't have) Abe's fart jokes appealed to me, but the puzzles didn't, and while I was a fan of horror even at that young age (thank you R.L. Stine) Resident evil was far too serious and hard for me to play. So this was the game for me.
This game is so high up because not only was it a great game, but it also shaped my early teen life. The music I heard shaped my music tastes, causing me to get into bands such as Papa Roach, Rage Against the Machine, and Millencolin. That in turn had a profound effect on my music tastes now, because Papa Roach and RATM led me into Nu metal, post grunge, and hip hop; which then led Progressive rock and metal (thank you tool), which then lead to all types of metal, which lead me to get into a certain band called maudlin of the well that made me a fan of everytype of music. Also, the Pixies fit somewhere in there. They're important too.
This game didn't just shape my music tastes though, It shaped my early teen personality. I started to actually skate (until I injured my back) and fit in with the outcasts, who tried their hardest not to be mainstream. My clothes were Element and Girl (the brand, not feminine clothing) Merch, and yeah, I just kind of sunk into a skater/punk clique. Then I changed dramatically, obviously, but that's another story. It's amazing how much a game can change your life though, hey?
Anyway, not only did this game change my life dramatically, it also was just a great game. It felt great to combo, and was easy to pick up, hard to master. But most of all, it was just fun.
8. Oddworld: Abe's Exoddus: This 2d platforming gem was originally introduced to me when I was 8. My grandmother adored the puzzles and platforming (my grandmother is quite young, only 35 years older than me (she was 19 when she had mum (mum was 16 when she had me (omg there are too many brackets)))), but I originally fell in love with the game because of the farts. The fact that you could fart in the game was amusing to my 8 year old mind. The fact that you could possess your farts and use them to explode enemies was fucking amazing. Seriously, how many games let you do that? Now I find that sort of humour a bit on the nose (see what I did there?), however I still replay this game every so often. Why? The same reason as my grand mother.
See, this game is one of the most brain numbing games I've played, and the fact that the game is all about communication over violence makes it better. In a medium where you're constantly put in the shoes of a mass murdering fuckwit, it was nice to play as someone who used violence as a last resort. I mean you could murder everyone in your wake, but that defeated much of the challenge and purpose of the game. You were a saviour, not a savage.
Then there's the sheer amount of variety in the game. You could possess enemies with guns to murder other enemies with guns, you entered a rollcage car thing, you defused mines, ran away from wildlife, summoned spirits, possessed farts, solved logic puzzles with the aid of your fellow Mudokkons, participated in stealth sequences, and navigated tricky platforming sections. And I haven't even mentioned the quirky motherfuckers that inhabited the world. It was, and still is a truly unique game, and nothing quite compares to it. You should play this game!
7. Jak II: Renegade: I seem to be the only person who remembers when Naughty Dog made games, not shitty Indiana Jones fan fiction with terrible gunplay and god awful platforming and managing to get 10's across the board just by being incredibly polished. Oh... it's a platform exclusive... that explains it then. The Uncharted series dumbfounded me, because the Jak and Daxter series nailed both platforming and while not having amazing at gunplay, were still better than the dross in Uncharted. Anyway, we're here to talk about good games, so I'll stop talking about Uncharted. If you want to hear more about it, look over to my Top 10 Most Overrated Games blog, or read Joss Whedon's 10 year old Indiana Jones fan fiction.
Anyway, this game is brilliant, and along with Ratchet and Clank, showed that mascot platformers could be for adults as well as children. The game took the amazing platforming and seamless, no loading screen world, and made it into an open world, with guns and car jacking. They turned it into a dark disney version of Grand Theft Auto, and it was phenomenal. The Scifi world had hover cars, hover boards, and some of the best platforming in the business. The humour is mostly intelligent and the characters were incredibly quirky.
I've finished this game about 6 times, especially since it was a version of GTA I could play at dads, and more than that, it was actually good, it felt unique even if it did take a lot from Ratchet and Clank, and it leads me to ask one question: Why is Nintendo the only ones who do Mascot Platformers now?
Put simply: Fuck Mario. Fuck Kirby. Fuck any 3D platformer ever released because Jak 2 had them beat. Naughty Dog, go back to doing what you do best, and leave the bland, unimaginative shooters to Epic and Bungie.
Portal 2: Wow. Last year was an amazing year for games. This is the second game released last year to be included in my top 20, and there's one more coming. Also, the day Valve release a bad game will be a sad day for all.
See, the Portal games would be amazing just for their mindbending puzzles and phenomenal physics. The dark humour is just the icing on the... donut? Ah, now I remember why I can't play the first game anymore. YOU BASTARDS RUINED IT!!! If I hear one more of you anal bunny raping cum guzzlers say the words cake in the sames sentence as the word lie... well lets just say your testicals will put into a blender and you will be forced to drink it. Seriously, I have the same problem with the Monty Python films. Things are funnier the less you hear of them, and references aren't clever if they aren't part of a homage or parody, you're just stealing other peoples jokes, you talentless, kiddy fiddling cunts!
Ok, rant over. This is the main reason I prefer the second game over the perfect first game. It hasn't been ruined. The second game's humour is broader, but that doesn't make it any more intelligent. It still has that brilliantly dark humour, and now with the addition of wheatley, it has a farcical, more straightforward humour that is still brilliant in it's own right. The puzzles? Well, they aren't as good as the original, which I suppose will happen if you're trying to reach out to a wider audience. The Co-op section's puzzles are phenomenal, but I don't like co-op in puzzle games. It defeats the purpose. I want to figure shit out on my own, not have some more intelligent prick, or someone who's played it before solve them for me! Thank god for the dowloadable puzzles though. Regardless of the puzzling difficulty, however, we just don't get many games that are genuinely funny, or even remotely intelligent. It's also a point in the favour of non-violent video games. Not all AAA games need to be extraordinarily violent, and this game proves it.
There. That's part 2. Tune in whenever I can be bothered to make the next one. Now go do something productive. Ah, who am I kidding. You're on a gaming website. You don't know the meaning of the word, do you?
Human beings tend to have a morbid obsession with death, and it's evident in every part of our lives. It's our biggest fear, the reason for religion, the basis of all medical science, and our biggest source of entertainment. In movies and video games, the greatest form of revenge is the murder of those who have wronged you. In the entertainment industry, that is justice. It can't be achieved without death. A love and fear of death is engraved into our species, so much so, that we cannot be separated. What does this mean for us? Does this make us evil, or sick and twisted? Well no. It makes us curious. It makes us human, our wanting to understand the unknown, life's greatest mystery. There are many myths out there like this, and I'm going to give you my opinion on them, because my opinion is awesome.
1: Watching Explicit Horror Movies Like a Serbian Film or Martyrs makes you sick and twisted: This is one of the ones I hear most, especially from the older generations. They don't get the fascination with films like Saw, Hostel, or Irreversible, and chalk it up to our being morbid, sick and twisted. In reality, however, it is the opposite. I find these films far less sadistic than say: Indiana Jones, James Bond, or any other film where the "Good Guy" butchers hundreds of people before a cheering crowd. Those films glorify violence. They get you to cheer for the most violent person in the film, and they desensatise you to the violence. They make it acceptable. Films like A Serbian Film show you what violence is. They show you the pain, they show you how fucked up it all is, and have a message. The message is: "See that? The guy whose genitals we just mashed up then forced him to eat? That's fucked up. Don't do that!" What's the message of Machete (well, apart from intestines being a convenient transport from floor to floor)? That violence is cool. That it's awesome to be a mass murdering psychopath.
Still, I think it's important to to realise that the vast majority of us understand that this violence is unacceptable. We aren't psychopaths. We find fake violence to be fun, but we understand that there are repurcussions for death, which is where my second point comes in.
Violent Video Games Turn Us Into Mass Murdering Psychopaths: Well, maybe watching the trailer for Dead Space 3, listening to someone trying to tell me that Gears of War isn't putrid vile we should shoot into the sun... maybe those could turn me into a mass murdering psychopath. Gameplay, however is different. Unless I'm playing a cover based shooter in which run is the same button as the cover system (which is all of them) and when I'm trying to run away from a grenade and I get locked to a wall. Or game developers thinking that we lack the basic intelligence to take cover by our fucking selves... ok, gameplay could lead me to be a killer. That's poor, frustrating gameplay, however, not the violence itself. You see, most people hate someone. They think "you know what? I could shoot that fucker. I could ram a pencil down that cunts nose, then slam his head into a table." But you see, most of us are well rounded enough to realise there are repercussions for said psychotic rage. You go to jail, you make people sad, you have to think of a long winded excuse to tell the dry cleaner... the point is, we don't do it. The murderers who use video games as an excuse? They'd be fucking psychotic without it! You see, video games are an excuse, much like the devil made me do it. It's a poor excuse at that. "Oh video games are what I used to practice for my murders." Come on, they could use chopping up vegetables as an excuse for fuck sake!
OMG! BAN THIS DEMORALISING FILTH!
My point is that without video games, we would still have mass murdering psychopaths. Video games cannot be a crux to blame mental illness or bad parenting. That's really all I have to say on this matter.
Well, this blog turned out to be a lot longer than I originally intended, so I'll exclude the other points I had. I'll save them for another blog maybe. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed my article. Please don't use it as an excuse to murder anyone!