whatsacow's Profile - Destructoid

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Hi. My name is Blake. I like games and shit. I study at university... writing and that jazz, though you probably couldn't tell it. Ok, shit you want to know.

Favourite Games: Dark Souls, Resident Evil 4, Timesplitters 2, Silent Hill 2, Ape Escape, Banjo Kazooie.

Favourite Movies: Cabin in the Woods, Shaun of the Dead, Clerks, Fight Club, Machete, Dr Horribles Sing Along Blog.

Favourite TV Shows: Breaking Bad, Community, Arrested Development, Parks And Recreation, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Garth Marenghi's Dark Place, Black Books, The IT Crowd, Battlestar Galactica, Deadwood, South Park etc.

Favourite Bands: Maudlin of the Well, Diablo Swing Orchestra, Clouddead, Dalek, Smashing Pumpkins, Eminem, Cynic, Porcupine Tree, Ne Obliviscaris, Die Antwoord, Opeth.
Following (3)  

 Ok, I've tried to be active here multiple times. I always end off going back to other sites like pixlbit because blogging here seems as intuitive as fingering is to a toddler. Sorry if I sound frustrated, but I just wrote a lengthy blog with pictures and it came out a terribly formatted mess. The pictures didn't show, the text was roughly seven billion different sizes, and I spent the next 5 minutes trying to delete the bloody thing. 

 Before you yell at me, yes this is entirely down to my incompetence. I have no idea how to use this site, and that's why I'm asking for help. Why don't any of my pictures show despite being under 1 megabyte and not having weird names? Why is my text formatting weird and ridiculous? Can someone please help me before I throw my monitor out of my damn window? 

10:03 PM on 01.12.2014

Hey, I made a remix of the track Dream of the Shore Near Another World. If you could, please watch it, like it, and comment? I'd like this to get out there and get some views. I'm sorry if this seems like tacky self promotion, but I don't see any other way for people to watch it. Tell me what you thought!


Hello, people of the internet! I'm Blake Turner, and today I am going to play Dark Souls in ways it clearly wasn't intended to be played. We're talking alternative builds here guys, and the first is one I'm lovingly referring to as "Fist Puncher." 
The rules of this build: no normal weapons. No armour except pants. Only my fists and fist based weapons. Also . . . I just realised that I won't get my first weapon until after I fight the Taurus Demon. That's right. I'm going to be taking him on with my fists. Probably in the next episode.
Sit back and Prepare To (Watch Me) Die.Also, if you like this video, please give it a like and subscribe over at The You Tubes. Gives us more exposure, and, well, I just like to know that you care about me.


5:23 AM on 07.19.2013

The Last of Us: So, these are the guys who made the Uncharted games, but I was really confused because there's like very few bullets, and the story was stupid. Where's the good guy? Why is it so depressing? Games are supposed to make me feel empowered, not sad! Overall, I just thought it was a terrible experience. There weren't even any one liners!

 Mass Effect 3: I bought this game because of the awesome looking space marine on the cover, but I was really disappointed that most of the game is talking. What is this, a book? I want to kill things, not be told a story. I don't give a shit about the creepers, or the serbians or whatever. And why would anyone play as anything other than a soldier? It seems pointless to have these other classes when guns are like the best thing ever.

 Amnesia: The Dark Descent: I love horror games. I mean, Resident Evil 5 is like my favourite game ever (Yeah, Co-op Bitch!), but this game doesn't even give you a gun. You have to hide from your enemies. What kind of pussy am I playing as? Also, why the shit am I scared of the dark. Why are there so many puzzles? I don't want to think when I play games!

 Serious Sam 3: There is no regenerating health. There's no cover. I can hold more than two weapons at a time. THIS GAME IS SO UNREALISTIC!!!! I mean I played Doom the other day, and that game is really bad so why try to copy it? All games should copy Halo, because Halo is like the best game ever!

Remember Me: You play as a girl, and she's not in a bikini? Wtf? She doesn't even get naked! The game makes me kiss a dude too, which is totally gay, and wrong on so many levels. I'm a guy! I don't kiss guys you stupid fucking game. Why would you make a game like this? Girls don't play games! Unless this is for the gays? But gays are evil! They r*pe people and stuff. And they brainwash you to make you want to suck their cocks! They're evil, and they're all going to hell.

 Binding of Isaac: This game is just wrong. Christians aren't the bad guys! The woman is just doing as god tells her and her son is trying to kill her because he's possessed by the devil. That's messed up! Why would you make everyone in the world hate you? 

 Spec Ops: The Line: This is a terrible game. Americans are the bad guys! We're the good guys! We always do what's right, like Vietnam and Iraq! We single handedly killed Hitler, Stalin, and Osama Bin Laden! We invented Christianity, and are basically the greatest country ever! And the first Country ever, let's not forget that! So they can't be the bad guys, that's just silly. I don't want to shoot someone if they don't have a beard or severe skin pigmentation!

Guys, I'm sorry to have to say this, but I'm giving up video games.  
I was wrong.
I was wrong to enjoy this vile, wretched excuse for entertainment.  I was wrong to spend hours of my time virtually murdering people.  And I take back any claims I've made about this "murder, rape, and necrophilia simulator" being capable of providing art and genuinely enriching the lives of people.  I was wrong.
What possible reason could there be for this change of heart, you ask?  This woman.

At roughly the four-minute mark, Jeanine Pirro states that video games and movies are more responsible for terrorism than weapons are.  At the time, thinking I was a sane, rational individual, I questioned this line of reasoning.  I thought something similar to what you readers are probably thinking right now.  How can a form of entertainment be more instrumental in the death of countless hundreds of people than actual instruments of death?  I thought that was like saying "my stove doesn't cook food, Master Chef does."  
How wrong I was.​  You see, I looked into it a bit more, and I found this video about Grand Theft Auto IV, and some of the things that were shown on this video were enough to turn me off video games for good.

Firstly, please ignore the ignorant annotations.  This video was clearly edited by a psychopathic terrorist pedophile.  The first bit of mind-blowing evidence of video games being Criminal-Trainers is that in World War I, soldiers feared pulling the trigger, even under the threat of death.  Compare that to modern society, where almost every thirteen-year-old child on earth has killed at least one person.  Grand Theft Auto came out and the homicide rate around the world multiplied by 600%.  We all know this.

 So, uh, I don't like being this guy, but could you please click on the link if you want to read the rest? I can't get the second video to work on this site (my own inadequacy, nothing against this divine site), and well, our website needs views. So yeah, I know, I hate reading these types of blogs too, but unfortunately, sometimes they need to happen. Anyway, click this link. Please? http://plus10damage.com/blog/2013/5/6/guns-dont-kill-people-video-games-kill-people

Ok, so the first article I've written for a proper gaming site is up. I'm quite proud of it, it's a rewrite of part 1 of my top 20 games of the year. Please read it, like it and/or comment on it, but especially like it, partly because it looks good, and partly because everytime you click the like button you receive a shower of hearts! Also, read the other guys stuff if possible. They're really talented guys that write some damn interesting and witty stuff, and they have quite a unique writing voice.

Here are the links:

My Article: http://plus10damage.com/blog/2013/1/23/pbjb11ihsmqai2w3ty52cqf510krf9

The Site in general: http://plus10damage.com/