Hi. My name is Blake. I like games and shit. I study at university... writing and that jazz, though you probably couldn't tell it. Ok, shit you want to know.
Favourite Games: Dark Souls, Resident Evil 4, Timesplitters 2, Silent Hill 2, Ape Escape, Banjo Kazooie.
Favourite Movies: Cabin in the Woods, Shaun of the Dead, Clerks, Fight Club, Machete, Dr Horribles Sing Along Blog.
Favourite TV Shows: Breaking Bad, Community, Arrested Development, Parks And Recreation, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Garth Marenghi's Dark Place, Black Books, The IT Crowd, Battlestar Galactica, Deadwood, South Park etc.
Favourite Bands: Maudlin of the Well, Diablo Swing Orchestra, Clouddead, Dalek, Smashing Pumpkins, Eminem, Cynic, Porcupine Tree, Ne Obliviscaris, Die Antwoord, Opeth.
Hello, people of the internet! I'm Blake Turner, and today I am going to play Dark Souls in ways it clearly wasn't intended to be played. We're talking alternative builds here guys, and the first is one I'm lovingly referring to as "Fist Puncher." The rules of this build: no normal weapons. No armour except pants. Only my fists and fist based weapons. Also . . . I just realised that I won't get my first weapon until after I fight the Taurus Demon. That's right. I'm going to be taking him on with my fists. Probably in the next episode.
Sit back and Prepare To (Watch Me) Die.Also, if you like this video, please give it a like and subscribe over at The You Tubes. Gives us more exposure, and, well, I just like to know that you care about me.
The Last of Us: So, these are the guys who made the Uncharted games, but I was really confused because there's like very few bullets, and the story was stupid. Where's the good guy? Why is it so depressing? Games are supposed to make me feel empowered, not sad! Overall, I just thought it was a terrible experience. There weren't even any one liners!
Mass Effect 3: I bought this game because of the awesome looking space marine on the cover, but I was really disappointed that most of the game is talking. What is this, a book? I want to kill things, not be told a story. I don't give a shit about the creepers, or the serbians or whatever. And why would anyone play as anything other than a soldier? It seems pointless to have these other classes when guns are like the best thing ever.
Amnesia: The Dark Descent: I love horror games. I mean, Resident Evil 5 is like my favourite game ever (Yeah, Co-op Bitch!), but this game doesn't even give you a gun. You have to hide from your enemies. What kind of pussy am I playing as? Also, why the shit am I scared of the dark. Why are there so many puzzles? I don't want to think when I play games!
Serious Sam 3: There is no regenerating health. There's no cover. I can hold more than two weapons at a time. THIS GAME IS SO UNREALISTIC!!!! I mean I played Doom the other day, and that game is really bad so why try to copy it? All games should copy Halo, because Halo is like the best game ever!
Remember Me: You play as a girl, and she's not in a bikini? Wtf? She doesn't even get naked! The game makes me kiss a dude too, which is totally gay, and wrong on so many levels. I'm a guy! I don't kiss guys you stupid fucking game. Why would you make a game like this? Girls don't play games! Unless this is for the gays? But gays are evil! They r*pe people and stuff. And they brainwash you to make you want to suck their cocks! They're evil, and they're all going to hell.
Binding of Isaac: This game is just wrong. Christians aren't the bad guys! The woman is just doing as god tells her and her son is trying to kill her because he's possessed by the devil. That's messed up! Why would you make everyone in the world hate you?
Spec Ops: The Line: This is a terrible game. Americans are the bad guys! We're the good guys! We always do what's right, like Vietnam and Iraq! We single handedly killed Hitler, Stalin, and Osama Bin Laden! We invented Christianity, and are basically the greatest country ever! And the first Country ever, let's not forget that! So they can't be the bad guys, that's just silly. I don't want to shoot someone if they don't have a beard or severe skin pigmentation!
Guys, I'm sorry to have to say this, but I'm giving up video games.
I was wrong.
I was wrong to enjoy this vile, wretched excuse for entertainment. I was wrong to spend hours of my time virtually murdering people. And I take back any claims I've made about this "murder, rape, and necrophilia simulator" being capable of providing art and genuinely enriching the lives of people. I was wrong.
What possible reason could there be for this change of heart, you ask? This woman.
At roughly the four-minute mark, Jeanine Pirro states that video games and movies are more responsible for terrorism than weapons are. At the time, thinking I was a sane, rational individual, I questioned this line of reasoning. I thought something similar to what you readers are probably thinking right now. How can a form of entertainment be more instrumental in the death of countless hundreds of people than actual instruments of death? I thought that was like saying "my stove doesn't cook food, Master Chef does."
How wrong I was. You see, I looked into it a bit more, and I found this video about Grand Theft Auto IV, and some of the things that were shown on this video were enough to turn me off video games for good.
Firstly, please ignore the ignorant annotations. This video was clearly edited by a psychopathic terrorist pedophile. The first bit of mind-blowing evidence of video games being Criminal-Trainers is that in World War I, soldiers feared pulling the trigger, even under the threat of death. Compare that to modern society, where almost every thirteen-year-old child on earth has killed at least one person. Grand Theft Auto came out and the homicide rate around the world multiplied by 600%. We all know this.
So, uh, I don't like being this guy, but could you please click on the link if you want to read the rest? I can't get the second video to work on this site (my own inadequacy, nothing against this divine site), and well, our website needs views. So yeah, I know, I hate reading these types of blogs too, but unfortunately, sometimes they need to happen. Anyway, click this link. Please? [b][color=#666699]http://plus10damage.com/blog/2013/5/6/guns-dont-kill-people-video-games-kill-people
Ok, so the first article I've written for a proper gaming site is up. I'm quite proud of it, it's a rewrite of part 1 of my top 20 games of the year. Please read it, like it and/or comment on it, but especially like it, partly because it looks good, and partly because everytime you click the like button you receive a shower of hearts! Also, read the other guys stuff if possible. They're really talented guys that write some damn interesting and witty stuff, and they have quite a unique writing voice.
Here are the links:
My Article: http://plus10damage.com/blog/2013/1/23/pbjb11ihsmqai2w3ty52cqf510krf9
Well, it's been a weird couple of years for the entertainment industry, hasn't it? After the video game industry collapsed in 2014 due to the astronomical costs of developing one level and the fact that Atari tried to make another E.T. adaptation, the few companies that weren't driven immediately bankrupt decided to turn their attentions to film. Were they a success? Well lets look back at some of my reviews of these films.
Film: Star Wars: Epilogue Trilogy
When Disney stopped making films and became a political party who's ideals were murder ugly people, enforce racial stereotypes and ban sex, somebody had to snatch up the Star Wars license. That somebody was Bioware.
I have mixed feelings with the series. Ditching all well known character except for brief cameos seemed like a disastrous move, though fortunately for us it turned out to be genius incarnate. The first film was decent, it had a lot of charm and depth to it but it was weighed down with the need to constantly show us the character reorganising their saddle bags and learning skills. It may have added to the realism a little, but it was still bizarre and turned a lot of people off. The action scenes were kind of bland, with all of them basically being the same action scene in a different setting. Also, how many fucking times are the characters guns going to overheat in battle?
The second film was, much like in the original Star Wars series, the pinnacle. It was a masterstroke of character building and the dialogue was superbly written. It was funnier, darker, and a whole lot more was at stake. The fact that half the crew was wiped out in the final battle was a stroke of heart wrenching genius, especially since we spent most of the last two movies getting to know each and every character, their quirks and their history. The battles were significantly improved over the originals, as they were riddled with suspense and were generally pretty damn entertaining. They were still all practically the same though. It was mildly disappointing to the teenage male demographic, as the sex scene was quite a lot tamer than last time.
The third film could have been amazing. It could have been the film to end all films. It could have taken this trilogy past even the original in terms of story and character development. But it isn't, and it's all because of that god awful excuse for an ending. Seriously, the ending of this film is so pathetic that it's banned in Poland. Honestly, no ending is better than this piece of crap. Which is a shame, because the rest of the film was a masterpiece. The action scenes were finally up to scratch, the dialogue was better than ever, and the stakes couldn't possibly get any higher unless the Sith Lords were paedophiles as well as destroyers of the universe. I'm not going to ruin the ending for those of you who haven't seen it, since Bioware have already done a brilliant job at that, but don't expect anything good. Hell, don't expect it to be the worst thing ever made because you'll still be disappointed.
Overall, the series was a success. Despite it's issues, it still managed to be better than the prequel trilogy, and it came closer than ever before to capturing the original series glory. Honestly though, I don't think anybody doubted Biowares film making chops as their last couple of games were basically amazing choose your own adventure films with a shitty Gears of War clone thrown in.
Film: Present Day Hostility
Director: Michael Bay
Review Taken from: The Angry Film Guy
Reviewing this film seems pointless, because by now you've already seen this movie twelve times, named your kids after one of the main characters and pledged never to watch anything else as long as you live. This film has become the highest grossing movie of all time within the first two weeks, taking over “tits” as the most googled thing ever, and practically turning Activision into a fucking world power. It's easy to understand why, as this is a dumb film that caters almost exclusively to braindead fucktards who can only become erect if the American national anthem is playing, and since that's everyone according to Americans, we get to watch the same fucking film get released next year and the year after, as Activision have stated this will be a yearly franchise.
Honestly, I understand why young men watch this, as the film is full of explosions, gunshots, and the kind of fistpumping bravado that cause your testicles to explode, but I'm hard pressed to find a reason why its got all the critics gushing at the thighs. The most talked about scene is where the main character is dying midway through the film, alone and afraid. This is seen as genre defining, and highlighting the horrors of war, which seems highly inconsistent in a film that would drop to their knees holding a sign that says “I have no gag reflex” upon the mere mention of a conflict. The whole scene reeks of shock tactics and is forgotten within minutes, apart from a bit at the end when the characters suddenly remember their best friend had died and say things like “he is the pure embodiment of what America stands for,” apparently having no concept of syntax or actual American values.
The biggest flaw in this film is that it is paced terribly. There is almost no room to breathe, with an action scene every two seconds, each containing at least twelve explosions and each with a silent slow motion scene of an American soldier being gunned down. It reminds me of an ADHD kid who has Parkinson's disease because even if you could break this films legs and tie it to a chair it still wouldn't sit still. It constantly seems to be switching locations and character perspective, seemingly in an attempt to make their seem like theirs more plot than there actually is. Honestly, I have no idea what the fucking plot to this film is as it seems like they came up with a bunch of awesome action pieces, and paid a random janitor five bucks to fit them together.
Overall, this film is like having sex with Snookie: Sure it might be fun while it lasts but you can't help feeling that you're now at least thirty percent dumber.
Film: Diabolical Warcraft
Blizzard have pissed a lot of people off recently, as they have announced that their latest film Diabolical Warcraft will only ever be shown in Theatres. It will never ever be released to DVD so no one is allowed to watch it buy themselves. They figure that their film should be viewed only in the company of other people, and that introverts can just go hang themselves or whatever. What kind of bullshit wankery is this? Not every town has a cinema you know Blizzard. Whatever though, they're greedy cocks. Their next project is a tv show that comes on once a month that you have to pay $30 a month to watch, and it's basically just a guy killing the same monsters over and over again, collecting shit for other people and taking up a postal job. We're supposed to enjoy this shit?
Anyway, back to the film. Diabolical Warcraft is an Action Fantasy game that's quite repetitive, extremely shallow, and really rather dull. It's got the polish of a big blockbuster film, with the special effects and grisly death scenes all looking really nice, but the lack of a compelling narrative, terrible acting, and the same scene of the character hacking, slashing, stabbing, and magicking their way through wave after wave of enemy. I was bored after the first ten minutes, and it got so bad that half way through the film a man's phone rang and the audience encouraged him to answer it, since listening to him ramble to his girlfriend would be much more entertaining the piece of shit that was on the screen.
So who would I recommend this to? No one. There's an indie film along similar lines called Flashlight Illumination that does it much better, has a DVD release so you can watch alone or with friends, and it costs 10 bucks.
So is the current wave of gaming developers films a successful one? For the most part, I'd say no. What works in one medium doesn't necessarily work in another, and though there are a few exceptions (Square Enix's latest anime looks really good, and fans of the series have been promised the same amount of interactivity as their gaming franchises... None), for the most part it seems futile and pointless. Also, I know Bethesda have released their latest fantasy epic, but I don't have 12 hours to devote to one film, so read someone elses bloody review of it.
Ok, this will only be a short blog, I promise. I am planning to do a seperate review of each campaigne in Resident Evil 6, but for now, I'm just going to note a few things.
First of all, what the fuck is with the prologue? It takes an unskippable half an hour to get to the main menu, meaning that those of you who bought this game and immediately rushed over to a friends house to play co-op, you're in for a nasty surprise. You play as Leon in this section, and it feels like an interactive trailer, and has more explosions than a Michael Bay movie. I was bored quickly, and kind of wished it was over.
When the prologue finally finished, I booted up Leon's campaigne, and I must say, I was impressed. The game paced itself well, creating a nice atmosphere. It was never scary, but it was nice to see that they at least put some effort into the structure and pacing.
Working my way through the first chapter I noticed that ammo and herbs were a lot rarer than previous games. Not that it mattered, because melee attacks are incredibly overpowered and can take out large groups of zombies. Well, there goes any sense of danger... The shooting mechanics work nicely though, and once you work out the dodge system, the game gets into a nice rythm that flows quite well.
Fuck Quicktime events. Fuck them to hell. Especially ones pertaining to the analogue sticks. I don't need them every time I get attacked by a zombie. They detract from the flow, and if you're overwhelmed (which happens quite a bit) it happens entirely too frequently. Also, while we're condemning things... those fucking zombie dogs are stupidly difficult to defeat. You can't really kick them, and they move too quickly to shoot. They're too difficult for this early on in the game.
Capcom, if you have one more person tell me I need to hold off a group of survivors before you let me into a room or building, I will murder you. I'm on the second chapter and it's happened at least 3 times already. Damn, this is annoying.
Also, a little work on the tutorial? I want things to be explained organically, not have to read a novel every three seconds in the first chapter. And the healing system? You have to click a herb, combine it with another herb, and another possible one after that, then turn them into tablets, then close the menu and use them ONE AT A TIME! Oh, by the way, that menu doesnt pause the game, so it can take a good 15 valuable seconds to prepare the herbs, and then you have to take them, one at a time. It wastes time and gets you killed quickly. Also, if you're controller goes flat, or disconnects, the game doesnt pause. I wouldnt mind this in a game like Dark Souls or an MMO because there is no Pause button, however, there is a pause button in this game. So uh... you chose to cut to the menu that doesnt pause the game? Wtf.
Overall, Leon's Campaign feels like it has a lot of potential, but is marred by the fact that every body who works at capcom was apparently raped in the ear by a pornstar as a child, and as such, are unable to think about anything logically. There are so many incredibly stupid decisions in the game that turn this otherwise brilliant game into a shithole. A shithole I still feel compelled to play, so maybe their intense retardation is contagious. Anyway, Come back later for my full review of Leons Campaign!