You better be grateful. I'm

7:56 - I'm watching Kill Bill, waiting for the VGAs to start. Lucy Liu just died. What a bitch. Nevertheless, a really hot bitch.

7:58 - The VGAs still haven't started. Why the hell does Uma Thurman look so badass in a yellow biker's helmet? She's making a death list on the plane. Someone's narrating in Japanese. Something about a forest. Why'd they add cheesy 70s Jabberjaw conflict music over the end?

7:58 - zomg spoiler: The 5th person on her death list is Bill. Go figure. Goddamn you, Quentin Tarantino. There's some nude chick being painted, and Tila Tequila's being a whore. Still.

7:59 - GODDAMN YOU GEOFF KEIGHLEY, JUST LOOK AT HER AND MASTURBATE ALREADY. TILA TEQUILA DEMANDS YOU.

8:00 - Whoo, VGAs are starting. Kill Bill was developed by Miramax.

8:01 - A chopper is flying over the hotel where the VGAs are. Some guy just jumped onto the roof and started running. Spike TV thinks they're cool. They're not. lollolzomg elevator.

8:02- WTF ZOMG POWER OUTAGE

8:03 - Okay, false alarm. Those white people are still running and jumping for no goddamn reason. WE GET IT. YOU ARE GYMNASTS. NOW STOP IT. I want my fucking awards. No one gives a shit about th- SAMMY JACK!

8:03 - Goddamn it, I see no fucking gamers. Just damned MTV celebrities. Great, there's a redesign on the awards, and Sam Jack made a joke about STDs not staying in Vegas. Shut up and get to the fucking games already.

8:04 - Oh hey, look, Spike TV is trying to whore out women. Surprise. "Y'all are the real winners for getting to look at these fiiiine womens!"

8:05 - Finally. Something VG related. They intro'd Steve Wiebe (King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters) and Video Games Live.

8:05 - Sam Jackson made a joke about SMG. "Mario was a plumber, now he's flying around catching bunnies. Miyamoto lay off the weed."

8:06 - A code for SMG to pull on people's testes - Up Up, Down Down, Left Ri-AAAAAH OW OW MAH NUTS!

8:07 - Beowulf proves you can motion capture tits. Two people I don't give a shit about from the Hills start walking out.

8:08 - Oh, surprise. They announce Kristen Bell, and make a joke about Mario & Street Fighter taking game virginities. Just announce a winner for something already.

8:09 - Wait, wtf? Kristen Bell just took an award for... what? What the fuck? Criss Angel is bragging, and saying he can do the shit that happens in video games.

8:10 - And he's whoring out Rainbow Six: Vegas II. They're showing a trailer for it, which will be on the internet later.

8:11 - ... That was the worst fucking trailer I've ever seen for anything. They showed a bit of footage, and made it seem like a really outrageous movie trailer.... *sigh* Now they're introducing who's starring at the awards, while parodying a bunch of games. I'm going to eat dinner for a few seconds. You're on your own.

8:20 - I'm back. Simpsons Game won Best Game Based on a Movie, although only one of the nominations was really based on a movie. The Foo Fighters are performing.

8:25 - What the fuck, there was 4 minutes of show, and then a commercial break? I'm watching a commercial that looks like its parodying Unreal Tournament but with sentimentalism. Goddamn it, not again. Its another horrible GameStop ad. Here's the ad.



8:29 - I'm tempted to just stop watching the show... now.

8:30 - Samuel Jackson whores out his new video game - Afro Samurai for the Xbox 360.

8:31 - That didn't explain anything. There was a anticlimatic narration with closeups of the black guy.

8:32 - LOL BOBBY LEE! HE LOOKS LIKE CHARLIE! They're making a joke about the types of gamers. Its... kind of funny.

8:33 - Best Team Sports Game; Madden NFL 08, NHL 08, NBA2K8, Winning Eleven: Pro Evolution Soccer 2007; Madden wins. Surprise.

8:35 - Some black guy is talking in ebonics about Gran Turismo. World premiere of Gran Turismo 5 trailer. His name is... Chingy? What the fuck? Argh, I hate the world. At least VGL is playing.

8:37 - Ad Whore; Verizon shows off games no one gives two shits about. World Series of Poker, Need For Speed Pro Street, Fox Motocross, GOW: Betrayal. Whoo.

8:38 - Commercial break. I'm actually looking forward to these now. Burger King commercial with the Whopper. Eh.

8:42 - Stan Lee is walking out to the floor. I'm really starting to hate him. He was once the boss at Marvel, that was a good time, but he now claims that Sega has made everything better. Fuck. You.

8:43 - LOL. "Now, here is the premiere for the video game, uh, Iron Man... Something or other. Here!" Iron Man trailer premiere; will be online later. Looks pretty good, actually. Looking forward to it.

8:44 - Ralphie May is on the stage. I fucking love this fat guy.

8:45 - He's making fat jokes. Presenting Best Individual Sports Game; Mike Vogel (Cloverfield) presenting the award. More fat jokes.

8:46 - Fake YouTube video about ping pong. Not funny. Nominees are skate., Tiger Woods PGA Tour 08, Tony Hawk's Proving Ground, Virtua Tennis 3 (huh, I forgot that was even out.)

8:47 - Ralphie May feels up the naked chick on stage. skate. wins the award. Skaters come up and accept the award.

8:48 - Kurt Angle and Karen Angle come up on the stage. Presenting world premiere of TNA iMPACT. Surprise, a wrestler is presenting a trailer for a wrestling game.

8:50 - Average wrestling trailer is average.

8:50 - Tila Tequila is whoring herself out on stage. She's pretending the separate consoles are "Shot At Love" contestants. What a cop out; all the consoles won.

8:53 - Mass Effect = Best RPG, Crysis = Best Graphics, Zelda = Best Handheld, Super Mario Galaxy = Best Action/Wii, DiRT = Best Driving, Best PC/Breakthrough = Orange Box. "I Am Legend" sneak peek.

8:56 - Quake Wars "Ambush" GameStop commercial. Goddamn it all. Here's the ad.



8:57 - Brian Posehn brought to stage. Hobbies include: Pot, masturbating, and video gaming. Xbox Live jokes.

8:58 - Nerd is the new N word.

8:59 - Studio of the Year nominees - 2K Games, Bungie Studios, Valve, Harmonix. Harmonix wins.

9:01 - What a kick ass thank you from Harmonix. Tia Carrere presents Kid Rock. Where the fuck has he been?

9:04 - Kid Rock wants to fuck you like he's never gonna see you again. He's still performing "So Hott".

9:05 - What the hell, Kid Rock?! He just segued into "Slow Ride".

9:06 - And he segues back into "So Hott". Just fucking get on with VIDEO GAMES. Remember those? I hear you guys have an award show for them. But its just a rumor. I also heard that MGS4 was coming to the Xbox 360, but we all know thats not tr- OH WAIT

9:07 - Oh thank god, its over.

9:10 - "Jumper" trailer and Chuck Norris Mountain Dew ad. Here they are.





9:11 - hay gais b abuv teh inflooins

9:12 - Patton Oswalt is on stage. This makes it a perfect time to post this video. He's presenting award for Most Addictive Video Game Fueled By Dew. Fuck it, I'm just going to tell you now, Halo 3 wins. Duh. "FUELED BY DEW".



9:14 - Nominees - Halo 3, Orange Box, Guitar Hero 3, Wii Sports (what the hell, thats a 2006 game); Halo 3 wins. Fucking. Duh.

9:15 - WHOO, FRANK O' CONNOR IS ON STAGE! Also, H3 won "Best Multiplayer Game". I can kind of understand that.... KIND OF.

9:16 - Premiere of a new Red Vs. Blue video. Pretty lulzy. The video was used to present the new maps. I lol'd.

9:18 - John Wilkes Booth played Assasin's Creed, Stalin played Iron Thumb, Kim Jong Il played Wii Sports. An angry game of Madden led towards the current war. This ad was presented by Jack Thompson.

9:18 - Kristen Bell is back. Fap fap fap. She presents the trailer for "Borderlands".

9:21 - Video Games Live is playing.

9:23 - Well, that was the highlight of the show. Where the fuck is Niero and Ron? I WANT MAH DTOID ON MAH TV

9:24 - Stride is being whored out. COD4 trailer. Rock Band playing backstage. Something about Foo Fighters and Vida Guerra. I ate peanut butter. Rock Band commercials.





9:29 - Don King's on stage. "Only In America" jokes. Why isn't this guy dead yet?

9:30 - Best Rhythm Game; Rock Band, Guitar Hero 3, Jam Sessions (LOL HAHA), GH Rocks The 80's. Rock Band wins. Duh. They also won Best Soundtrack (finally, something we can agree on.)

9:31 - Why does Don King have American flags? Helen says that it was stiff competition for the best soundtrack. My ass.

9:32 - YES. Foo Fighters are back. Performing "Learn to Fly". I just realized, someone's playing Rock Band with the same song in the background.

9:35 - Edison Force ad. When the fuck did Justin Timberlake make a film with Morgan Freeman? I need to watch se7en again, also. "Coming Up: Vida Guerra's [shelf-shaped] ass. And the rest of her too."

9:39 - The Simpsons Movie coming to DVD and Blu-Ray Dec. 18th.

9:40 - More Rock Band ads. Who is "The King of Fans"?



9:40 - The UFC prez is on stage. He presents "Rampage" Jackson and Forest... something. They're UFC fighters. No one really cares. That was a really bad Halo joke. They're presenting a video about how every war game is about WW2, and never has any blood. Its actually pretty funny. "Did you know WW2 actually happened? Its true, I looked it up on Wikipedia."

9:43 - Best Shooter Game; Halo 3, Bioshock, COD4, The Orange Box. COD4 wins; also won Best Military Game (oh wow, stiff competition [/sarcasm])

9:45 - Vida Guerra and some black guy present an awesome "Indigo Prophecy meets Spiderman 2 meets GTA" trailer for Prototype. Tell me this is coming to the XBox 360.



9:47 - VGL plays Zelda theme. GameStop is a sponsor, along with BK. (NO WAI!) They're about to present GOTY, along with a trailer for Little Big Planet.

9:51 - Zachary Levi & Joshua Gomez (Chuck) are on stage. Awesome ass show. Chuck, not the VGAs. Barbie's Horse Adventures jokes. Little Big Planet trailer presented.

9:53 - .... That trailer made is seem like crap. The game will be amazing, but that was a bad trailer... Samuel L. Jackson whores out Jumper. Says something about a Jumper video game. Hayden Christiansen and Rachel Bilson present Game of the Year. She pretends to be a gamer; fails horribly. 2004 winner- GTA: San Andreas.

9:57 - GOTY Nominees; The Orange Box, Mass Effect, Bioshock, Halo 3. Bioshock wins (FUCK YEAH!). I'm sooo glad H3 didn't win. Bioshock also won Best Xbox 360 game, and Best original score. The Big Daddy walked onto stage, the Gamecock guys are there too. French guy talks about peeing. "The Gamecock is for the children!"

9:59 - The ladies that have the game winners painted on them walk out all at once. Tommy Tallarico and Jack Wall are given thanks. Steve Wiebe about to beat Donkey Kong score. Samuel L. Jackson jumps on stage for no fucking reason. Something explodes. "All you need is games!" I hate you, Spike TV. I hate you so damned much.

10:00 - Its finally over. Credits rolling. I've lost faith in cable television. Oh hey, the Simpsons is on.

10:01 - Aw, dissapointment. They replaced the Simpsons with Sex & the City. I am le sad.

10:02 - Oh goddamn it. They start replaying the entire awards show. I'm not watching again. Stupid gymnasts jumping around for no fucking reason.


Goodnight.