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God is dead. Watch this. I'm not going to relay the plot of the Twilight Saga to you, partly because I don't care, and partly because it's a plot that can be easily summed up as, "Horny teenage girl has a monster fetish." I'm sure there is some deep, underlining message about love, trust, and protection, but I was too busy mixing Resses Pieces into my popcorn to notice. Recently, my curiosity got the better of me, and I decided, against my better judgment, to read all four of the Twilight Saga novels. Two pages into book one, I got bored, and decided to just watch the movies instead. So, over the course of a Tuesday afternoon, I watched all three current films -- the third one having been acquired through not-so legal ways. Lets start on a positive note with a few things I liked about the films: they are well directed, (mostly) decently acted , and I actually kind of dug how the werewolves turned into actual wolves, as opposed to the usual half man half wolf hybrid. that doesn't mean I like these films. OK, now on to the hate. These movies suck. They are poorly written, incompressible, and worst of all, offensively sexist.
Has there ever been a more miserable looking leading lady? With the exception of Halle Berry from Monster. Let us start with the film's "heroine," Bella, heroine being used loosely since that might suggest she does something heroic. Her talents seem to consist of getting kidnapped, failing at mind games, and feeling depressed. Oh, God, her depression. As someone who suffers from clinical depression I guess I should have some sort of sympathy for her, but damn is she annoying! I know for a fact that I'm annoying when I'm depressed, everyone is, but her depression stems from the dumbest things. She constantly seems to question why people like her and when she finally grows a pair and decides to do something, she always ends up getting kidnapped, and or being beaten nearly to death. I actually laughed at the end of the first Twilight when that other vampire (Jim, James, John?) punches her and she goes flying. The way she reacts, you'd think she was made out of styrofoam. I cannot, for the life of me, figure out what all these guys see in her. These guys could probably get any girl they want, and yet they're fighting over this mopping bitch. The fuck? Don't think that those two pricks are getting off the hook either. Both of them are border line stalkers, and both put their entire families and friends in danger, just to save a girl they barley know. Even worse, their idea of "protection" is basically controlling every aspect of Bella's life. Is this what teenage girls find attractive? Being locked up and told what to do by handsome men? The other characters aren't much better. Actually, I'm not entirely sure who the other characters are. They all sort of mesh together into one big, pale faced, scrawny, awkward teenager. Except for Edmund's sister, Alice. I think she's pretty hot. At least when she isn't trying to act. This concept of protection is the thing that bothers me most about Twilight. The message of the films seem to be that you must rely on others to save you. Bella is constantly in danger, but doesn't do jack-shit about it. She's is the worst kind of damsel in distress, a bitch who relies on the charity of others. Is that the message we want to send to young women? That they are weak, pitiful, must rely upon men to fight their battles for them, and live only to be used for sex and breeding children? Well, I suppose you would if you were a Mormon, like Stephanie Myers (the one who conjured up this crap) practices. So, does that make the Twilight Saga the Mormon equivalent to Battlefield Earth? If so, Scientology wins, and I take back everything I said about John Travolta's dreadlocks.
Go forth, Joseph Smith, and spread the word of God. Also, vampires. I tried, really, I did. But... oh sweet mother of God, help me. I just can't. The concept is pretty neat, but the the plot just seems to drag on and on forever. Relentlessly shaking me awake every now and then with a few minuets of action, or a hot sex scene. And by sex I mean characters stare longingly while talking about all kinds of random emotional bullshit while I sit rolling my eyes. Nobody in these films seem capable of articulating a comprehensible sentence, which is appropriate, considering that they basically skip months worth of school. Every character is basically just one big whiny sack of hormones, following Bella wherever she goes. Except for the parents, who are basically useless. Seriously, these movies have some of the worst parenting, ever. In one scene, Bella comes back from her first date with Edward, screams to her dad about how she hates him -- keep in mind her father doesn't even know who Edward is -- and later says she's going to Arizona, and the father lets her. In fact, her father, nor any of the adults in this film, seem interested in what these kids are up to. If Bella was my daughter I would just put her in a time capsule, bury her in the backyard, and wait ten years to dig her up. So, there you have it. Let the record show that I have successfully watched, and survived the Twilight films. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go wash the taste out of my mouth with some Harry Potter and, Lord of the Rings, and Star Wars. Oh, Hell, better throw in some in some of The Matrix, just in case.
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Although I myself am ambivalent about the series, perhaps there is another way to look at it. Bella chooses to play in a league that is too overpowered for her, therefore she has little choice but to be swept up in the conflict of powers greater than her, participating in a system in which she has little influence. Therefore she suffers some kind of combination of teenage and existential angst. The fulfillment she seems to have with relationships is a kind of cure for that angst.
The weird thing to me is that she wants to participate in it even though it is obviously unhealthy on many levels for her. Perhaps it is the only thing that gives her life meaning (hence the depression when it is taken away).
My female associates who like the book says Bella mirrors something deep in the female psyche, a lingering unease with the world (oh no people do not like me, oh no people like me), and the unease of the teen years. I really can't speak to that because I am not female.
Thank you for renewing my own faith in my good taste.
Yeah, Bella is a weak lil' pussy but it's not about Bella's weakness. It's about the fact that Bella can be weak because she'll always be taken care of and fought over because for some reason she's the center of these douchebags lives.
Still not a good lesson to teach or a good fantasy to perpetuate on impressionable girls but just a thought.
Also, I apologize to any 15 year old girls whose night I ruined last night...actually, no, no I don't. Get a real crush you dumb shits, stop fawning over fictional monster boys and grow the fuck up. Also, Stoker did it best.
I'm actually a little tempted to see it just so I can bitch about how much better Stewart was in The Runaways.
I loved The Runaways. I have no beef with Kristen Stewart, she's a fine actress, but her talent is wasted on the Twilight films.
Charlize Theron was in Monster.
I meant to say Monster's Ball. Thanks for the correction
No, no, you'd be quite surprised just how many of them take it waaaaaay too far. That Team Edward/Team Jacob stuff? No, that isn't something that's done in jest. I've witnessed two girls get into actual, physical fist fights over these things, and I've met women, actual, adult women, who say they won't date somebody unless they look like Edward or Jacob. This isn't a simple eye candy thing here, it's a full-fledged frenzy.
Here in the states people take it VERY seriously. Like take the internet shenanigans of fanboys, throw in cosplay (yes, werewolf cosplay), and put it in real life. In high school no doubt. With teenage girls.
That's the "real" Twilight fanbase. Of course if you're anything else you're a dirty casual.
I wish I was joking.
Back in your day, you also rode dinosaurs to work in the rock pit.
ZING!
They appeal to that longing in females to be the damsel in distress. Girls want to be rescued and fought over. Guys would conversely love to be the hero and be fought over.
The problem for me is that the films are just plain boring and the books are horribly written. They are almost like a bad RPG, in that Bella's appearance is never described once, so that the reader can feel like SHE is Bella.
It's terrible, really. Other than the level of quality, I've got no issues with the subject matter. Saying that girls are going to take away the wrong ideas from these films is as ridiculous as saying that video games cause violence.
"If he's hot enough, anything he does is okay." You may laugh and roll your eyes, but I know several women, even those who don't read the books/watch the films, who live by that credo. It's disturbing, and maybe the blame is placed too much on Twilight for "warping the young minds of women everywhere," and instead it's a sign of our times; a wakeup call that we as men need to be prettier and stalkerish or we're not gonna get the girls. :(
I don't know. I'm not fond of the material no matter in what medium it's consumed. I've heard even some fans jumped ship after the fourth book since it ran head-on into lol vampire sex, and reportedly book five was a retelling of book one through another character's eyes. And then six, seven, eight and so on were the same way; the novel version of the Endless Eight if such a thing were possible.
BTW Western Slope woman blames vampire for car crash
Let the girls get obsessed over what they want. It's not like any of these things have any real legs in the long run. Except for the Beatles and Elvis that is.
They showed the trailer when I went to see Iron Man 2. Oh my lord. I have never seen so much emotion over a fucking trailer. Hell I've never seen that much emotion over an entire movie.
Also, Elvis sucks.
Really now? Really wanna say that? A certain Runaways review says otherwise. :P
And thats just sad. This is what humanity comes down to.
-shutters-
Now we debate about whether Twilight is art or not?
Well it ain't reality, that's for sure.
I can't hate it (having once been a teenage girl myself). I just think it's funny when guys get so up in arms over it. The crazy Edward/Jacob/whoever lust? It's just a girls' version of whatever teenage boys get out of Maxim magazine. (And if you're older than 18 and still read Maxim, you're just as bad as any of those grown-ass women who love Twilight.)