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10:08 AM on 09.16.2010

5 Of The Most Annoying Dicks In Gaming



Video games have given us some of the most memorable and influential characters in entertainment: Mario, Link, Pac-Man, and Gordon Freeman to name a few. These characters have become household names as synonymous with everyday life as John F. Kennedy and Elvis Presley. Unfortunately, not all of gaming’s most memorable characters are memorable for good reasons. Some of them are remembered for being some of the most annoying dicks in all of entertainment.

These creatures go by many names: douchebags, assholes, bastards, and cheap-asses. However, the most common name in usage is dicks. Gaming is filled with some of the biggest dicks you’ll ever be forced to interact with. Here are just a few examples of gaming’s biggest dicks.





Lakitu (Super Mario Bros)

Metadick Rating: 73

Biggest Dick Move: Destroying the Flow of a Mario Level

In Super Mario Bros, Goombas, Koopas and Piranha Plants are pretty easy to take down. Even Bowser becomes a cake walk once you’ve got the timing down. But then there is Lakitu, a turtle who rides on a cloud and drops spiked turtles in your path. Your first instinct is to run away, but Lakitu breaks the rules and follows you through the entire level. Even if you do manage to take him down, another one will appear a few seconds later to continue the spiked shell carpet bombing.

Every game has that one enemy who makes you cringe every time you see it. Lakitu, however, is definitely among the worse. In recent years, Nintendo has attempted to clean up Lakitu’s image by making him into Mario’s private helper. He does the countdown in Mario Kart as well as hold the camera for you in Super Mario 64, but don’t be fooled. Lakitu has not change his ways, he’s just as big a dick now as he was then. He’s just biding his time until Mario lets his guard down, and when he does, BAM! Spiked turtle shells will rain down upon the earth just as it was predicted in some religion’s Holy Book.

It also doesn’t help that he handles a camera about as well as Michael Bay.





Slippy Toad (Star Fox)

Metadick Rating: 80

Biggest Dick Move: Existing

Some people say that Slippy is the Jar Jar Binks of the Star Fox franchise. I think it’s an insult to the good name of Jar Jar Binks. At least Jar squared only appeared prominently in one movie, and he didn’t try piloting one of the ships. Slippy has not only appeared in every single Star Fox game, including Star Fox Adventures (seriously, they took out Falco but kept this guy), and he is probably the worst driver since Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon 4. There needs to be a rule that when a fellow pilot gets their into trouble that many times, friendly fire should be overlooked in favor of the mission.

I’ve always theorized that Slippy is actually a spy, sent by Andross to sabotage Star Fox’s efforts through the power of annoyance. Then again, maybe Andross just did that in the hopes that Star Fox would realize Slippy’s facade and execute him, that way Andross wouldn’t have to fill out all the paper work.

There is also the issue of his name. Seriously, Slippy Toad is the best Nintendo could come up with? Maybe you need to get a certain amount of kills before you earn your the honor to use your last name in the Lylat system. Until then, you’re just referred to by your nickname in middle school.





Otis (Dead Risisng)

Metadick Rating: 92

Biggest Dick Move: Not Shutting Up

When I was a younger man, I had a friend whose grandmother would always call him up with questions. “How do I change the channel on the TV? How do I check my email again? Why does the DVD player keep making that awful humming noise?” After these calls, he would always moan about wanting to strangle her with the phone cord. At the time, I thought he was being a little bit extreme, but after playing Dead Rising, I think I finally understand where he was coming from.

Otis is the Willamette Mall’s best, and keeps you up to date through a two-way radio on all the latest developments. He lets you know when there are survivors nearby, what everyone is up to down at the security room, and tells you about whatever weird stuff he sees on the security cams (which he learned how to use after years of spying on the women’s dressing rooms in-between shifts).

Otis might seem like a huge bit of help, but he chooses to never shut up. When fighting off hordes of the undead, the last thing you want is some old guy calling you up to tell you that he saw a girl going into the hardware store. Thanks Otis, I’ll check that out once I’m done taking care of the other two hundred things I’ve got going on. What’s that? Little Timmy is stuck in the well? Why don’t you pull out your tongue and use it for rope. The back of the box says that anything can be used as a weapon, so why can’t I shove the damn radio up a zombie’s ass so Otis can bother somebody else?

Otis is the kind of guy Twitter was made for. Like the worst celebrities, he feels the need to let everyone know what he’s thinking about every few minutes, but unlike the drunken ramblings of Lindsey Lohan, Otis isn’t very interesting. I imagine his Twitter page looking something like this:

Otis: Dry gum underneath table at the food court, only slightly chewed. JACKPOT!

Otis: Put a sign saying do not enter on the men’s restroom ROFL!

Otis: Casual Friday ;D

Otis: New Justin Bieber album OMFG!!!<3





Prophet of Truth (Halo)

Metadick Rating: 86

Biggest Dick Move: Being A Pretentious Religious Douchebag

The Prophet of Truth is the main antagonist of the Halo series and the religious leader of the Covenant, a group of half a dozen species of aliens that are hell-bent on spreading their faith throughout the universe. So they’re sort of like Jehovah Witnesses, except instead of handing out pamphlets, they shoot lasers.

Truth looks to be a cross between Pope Benedict XVI and Kermit the Frog. Unlike most video game villains, Truth believes that he and his Covenant are the good guys and the humans are the evil heretics. I’ve always felt that villains are much more threatening when they think they’re doing good, rather than being conscious of their own malevolence. Then again, Truth’s plan for Spiritual nirvana involves unleashing an alien spore to wipe out all life in the galaxy, so maybe he’s a bit more Charles Manson than Benedict.

The real problem with Truth (besides his lust to end organic life in the universe) is just how pretentious he is. He assigns almost everything a biblical name: Halo, Flood, Arbiter; etc. Hell, he names all the covenant ships after different spirits. I get it Truth, you’re a holy dude. You don’t need to name your cat Mary to prove it. He also wears a stupid hat, which is essential to any religion, but hey, at least he doesn’t assign a specific day in which you have to waste ten hours of your life worshipping him.





Dracula (Castlevania)

Metajerk Rating: 95

Biggest Dick Move: Immortality

In recent years, The Twilight Saga has turned vampires into the romantic dreams of twelve year old girls, but before Anne Rice and Stephanie Myer ruined everything, vampires were some of the scariest movie monsters around. This especially refers to the granddaddy of them all: Dracula.

Bram Stoker’s creation has sunk his teeth into about every form of entertainment imaginable. Games are no exception. His most famous appearances are in the acclaimed series from Konami, Castlevania. In the Castlevania games, Dracula spends almost his entire existence battling the Belmont family, who, generation after generation, explores Dracula’s castle and drives stakes through his heart. Every family has its rite of passage, for the Belmont’s it’s killing Dracula. It’s surprisingly easier than studying for a Bar Mitzvah.

What makes Dracula such a dick? I could talk about his tendency to drink human blood, his egotistical mannerisms, or his mind controlling powers, but the worst thing of all is that he won’t fucking stay dead. He’s been stabbed, set on fire, crushed, pounded, drowned, and dematerialized down to the last atom, but the guy just won’t stay dead. What’s even worse is that he’s always capable of raising an undead army at a moments notice. Is there some kind of supernatural monster union I’m not aware of, or does he get them on loan from Universal Studios. He also wears Eighteenth Century clothing in modern times, which is like having the word “prick” tattooed across your forehead.   read


4:12 PM on 08.07.2010

Free Booze And Beautiful Women (Or Men, If You Would Prefer)




Do you like booze? Do you like beautiful women (or men)? Then you've come to the wrong place. This post has neither booze nor beautiful women (or men). But wait, don't leave! Maybe there's still hope. Just listen to what I have to say first and afterwards I might throw you a bone. You still here? Good. Let's get to the important stuff first.

As of yeaterday I am now a columnist for the hot new new video game blog site known as http://www.Damnlag.com. It's what all the cool kids are doing! Damnlag is sort of like Destructoid, only younger, not that Destructoid is old. Mr. Destructoid dioesn't look a year over twenty six. Anyway, you should come on over to Damnlag sometime, why? Because I have a column! It's called Broken Pixels, I will be updating it every Wednesday with various rants, ravings, and musings for your reading pleasure. My first column is called Five of Gaming's Biggest Dicks and I implore you all to check it out.

I'm not the only guy on Damnlag dot com. You can check out other collumnists like Steve Bogda's The Nintendo Dude, Josh Michaelson's Gotta Rant 'Em All!, Jaleel Boone's Combo Breaker, Zack Rovinsky's Scilence Please, Paul Cross' Diva Down, Sebastian Wolff's The Weekly Game Concert, or you can check out The NPC's, where we voice our opinions on current issues facing the industry. So, as you can see there is a lot to do. That's not even mentioning all the news, reviews, and our upcoming Podcast called Gamepocalypse Now. As previously stated, Damnlag is a brand new website, and if we want it to continue to grow, we need to more traffic. By visiting the site you are not only getting great content, but you're also supporting independent video game blogs like Destructoid and Giant Bomb. So show your support and vote with a click of the mouse. Or would you rather just read IGN for the rest of your life?

I thought so.

Thanks for reading, I hope I'll see you all around Damnlag eventually. Spread the word to your friends, and thank you for indulging me in my shameless self promotion, and don't worry, I'll still be writing for Destructoid. I mean, this place is like the dysfunctional incestuous family I never had or wanted to. So don't stop reading my blog, just make sure you also check out my new column when your done.

Oh, I almost forgot...

























Happy now?   read


10:37 PM on 07.09.2010

Review: Blacklight: Tango Down



Five years ago when the Xbox 360 first launched, Xbox Live Arcade, while a neat idea, seemed destined to just be a platform for old Arcade and Atari ports. Who would have thought that in only a couple of years, Microsoft's "Arcade" would be home to retail worthy games like Battlefield 1943, Braid, and most recently Blacklight: Tango Down.

Developed by Zombie and published by Ignition -- BTD is a multiplayer only first person shooter in the vain of Call Of Duty and Battlefield. The game's story -- what little there is -- is based around the idea of "Net Warfare," which basically means that everything in the game is glossed over with neat looking digital effects. Beyond that, well, I think it takes place in europe, and there seem to be terroists or something. Blacklight isn't very clear what its story is, but luckily that doesn't matter since the entire game is based around multiplayer.


Why are war torn cities always so drab? A bit of red or blue never hurt anyone.

Blacklight: Tango Down (XBLA, PSN, PC)
Developer: Zombie
Publisher: Ignition
Released: July 6, 2010
MSRP: 1200 MP Xbox 360, $14.99 PSN and PC

Blacklight: Tango Down is a level based first person shooter like Modern Warfare 2. As you gain experience and level up, RPG style, you'll gradually unlock new weapons, grenades, armor, and accessories to decorate your guns. In fact if you've played either of the Modern Warfare games you're going to feel right at home, since even the control scheme has been ripped from Infinity Ward's playbook.

All the standard modes are here, including: free-for-all and team variants of Deathmatch, domination, capture the flag, and King of the Hill. All these modes can be played across the game's twelve maps that support up to sixteen players. As you can tell, there isn't much here that you haven't seen before, but it's all done extremely well. This ends up being both the best and worst part of BTD.

On the one hand: although it borrows heavily from other first person shooters, it pulls it off with a solid level of polish. On the other hand: although technically solid, there is very little that you haven't seen before.


The inability for soldiers to look left will be the leading cause of death in future wars.

That's not to say that BTD is completely devoid of originality. The unique net war aesthetic I mentioned before, helps give the game a unique visual presentation, which helps make up for some of the games graphical jankiness. There is also your helmet's HRV (Hyper Reality Visor), which is basically your HUD, has a neat little trick that allows you to see through walls to find your targets, instead of the traditional mini-map. There are also Digi Grenades. These are like smoke or flash grenades, except they create a corruption sphere that messes with enemy HRV, blinding them, which give you a chance to get an easy headshot. At least that's the idea. Unfortunately, Digi Grenades also blind you and your teammates when you get close, making it difficult to use unless your equipped with a long distance weapon. Besides the Digi Grenade though, all the other weapons are your standard shotguns and assault rifles.

Oh, I should probably mention that there is a Blackops mode that allows you and up to three other players run and gun your way through a couple of linear levels. However, it can be completed in a couple of hours and often feels like an afterthought. It can be fun for a bit, but by no means is it worth the purchase alone



Peaking around this corner would be a lot easier if I could see out of this damn thing!

At the end of day, Blacklight: Tangodown is a solid, but generic, multiplayer focused first person shooter. It is certainty competent, but there are other shooters, a lot of other shooters that do what BTD does better. With that said, for fifteen dollars (1200 MS funbucks), you're definitely getting a lot of bang for your buck.

You won't feel the earth move, but it'll definitely jiggle.

Score: 6.5 -- Alright (6s may be slightly above average or simply inoffensive. Fans of the genre should enjoy them a bit, but a fair few will be left unfulfilled.)

  read


5:26 PM on 07.04.2010

Happy 4th of Ju-- OH MY GOD, I JUST BLEW MY FINGERS OFF!!!




Huh... what? Sorry, I'm sort of drifting in and out of consciousness. See, my friend got these totally legal fireworks and we came up with this game where each of us holds a lit fire cracker in his or her hand while in the pool, and the last one to chicken out and drop there's in the water wins. So, yeah, I won. Now my fingers are gone, I'm losing blood, and... I can't really remember anything after that. My friends said I should go to the hospital, but I'm a man, and hospitals are for women. Besides, I still have one good hand, which is how I'm writing this right now.

Anyway, not much going on here, so I thought I would write an article on the best 4th of July video game ever: Metal Wolf Chaos.





Originally released for the Xbox back in 2004, Metal Wolf Chaos you play as the president of the United States, Michael Wilson, who must save the good ol’ USA from the Vice President, who is actually an evil fascist/dictator/terrorist/Dick Cheney, and his army of rebels. You’ll travel to all sorts of exotic, but American, locations like New York City, San Francisco, Las Vegas, and Chicago. You must defeat the Vice President’s army and complete objectives to liberate each of the major cities, before doing battle with the VP himself back in Washington D.C.

Did I mention all this is done using robots?





Yeah, the president is highly skilled in the piloting of robot battle suits, and he uses his ultra patriotic mecha firepower to blow shit up real good. The Vice President also has a robot suit, which is black. That means he’s evil, obviously.

Remember that movie where Harrison Ford was the president of the United States and he kicked the bad guy out of Air Force One? Well, take that scene, times it by twenty, throw in Michael Bay inspired explosions, and robots, and a hot secretary, AND have it developed by the Japanese. You now have Metal Wolf Chaos. Congratulations?

It’s difficult to describe the brilliance of this game through words; also I’m starting to drift out again. So here is a video you can watch to help you fully appreciate the artistic merits of Metal Wolf Chaos.


[embed]178201:31273[/embed]


Amazing, amiright? Anyway, I have to go. I’m starting to lose a lot of blood and things are getting a little hazy. Until next time, kids!   read


10:52 AM on 06.30.2010

Twilight Saga Impressions (NVGR)


God is dead. Watch this.

I'm not going to relay the plot of the Twilight Saga to you, partly because I don't care, and partly because it's a plot that can be easily summed up as, "Horny teenage girl has a monster fetish." I'm sure there is some deep, underlining message about love, trust, and protection, but I was too busy mixing Resses Pieces into my popcorn to notice.

Recently, my curiosity got the better of me, and I decided, against my better judgment, to read all four of the Twilight Saga novels. Two pages into book one, I got bored, and decided to just watch the movies instead. So, over the course of a Tuesday afternoon, I watched all three current films -- the third one having been acquired through not-so legal ways.

Lets start on a positive note with a few things I liked about the films: they are well directed, (mostly) decently acted , and I actually kind of dug how the werewolves turned into actual wolves, as opposed to the usual half man half wolf hybrid. that doesn't mean I like these films. OK, now on to the hate. These movies suck. They are poorly written, incompressible, and worst of all, offensively sexist.



Has there ever been a more miserable looking leading lady? With the exception of Halle Berry from Monster.

Let us start with the film's "heroine," Bella, heroine being used loosely since that might suggest she does something heroic. Her talents seem to consist of getting kidnapped, failing at mind games, and feeling depressed. Oh, God, her depression. As someone who suffers from clinical depression I guess I should have some sort of sympathy for her, but damn is she annoying! I know for a fact that I'm annoying when I'm depressed, everyone is, but her depression stems from the dumbest things. She constantly seems to question why people like her and when she finally grows a pair and decides to do something, she always ends up getting kidnapped, and or being beaten nearly to death. I actually laughed at the end of the first Twilight when that other vampire (Jim, James, John?) punches her and she goes flying. The way she reacts, you'd think she was made out of styrofoam.

I cannot, for the life of me, figure out what all these guys see in her. These guys could probably get any girl they want, and yet they're fighting over this mopping bitch. The fuck?

Don't think that those two pricks are getting off the hook either. Both of them are border line stalkers, and both put their entire families and friends in danger, just to save a girl they barley know. Even worse, their idea of "protection" is basically controlling every aspect of Bella's life. Is this what teenage girls find attractive? Being locked up and told what to do by handsome men? The other characters aren't much better. Actually, I'm not entirely sure who the other characters are. They all sort of mesh together into one big, pale faced, scrawny, awkward teenager. Except for Edmund's sister, Alice. I think she's pretty hot. At least when she isn't trying to act.

This concept of protection is the thing that bothers me most about Twilight. The message of the films seem to be that you must rely on others to save you. Bella is constantly in danger, but doesn't do jack-shit about it. She's is the worst kind of damsel in distress, a bitch who relies on the charity of others. Is that the message we want to send to young women? That they are weak, pitiful, must rely upon men to fight their battles for them, and live only to be used for sex and breeding children? Well, I suppose you would if you were a Mormon, like Stephanie Myers (the one who conjured up this crap) practices. So, does that make the Twilight Saga the Mormon equivalent to Battlefield Earth? If so, Scientology wins, and I take back everything I said about John Travolta's dreadlocks.



Go forth, Joseph Smith, and spread the word of God. Also, vampires.

I tried, really, I did. But... oh sweet mother of God, help me. I just can't. The concept is pretty neat, but the the plot just seems to drag on and on forever. Relentlessly shaking me awake every now and then with a few minuets of action, or a hot sex scene. And by sex I mean characters stare longingly while talking about all kinds of random emotional bullshit while I sit rolling my eyes. Nobody in these films seem capable of articulating a comprehensible sentence, which is appropriate, considering that they basically skip months worth of school.

Every character is basically just one big whiny sack of hormones, following Bella wherever she goes. Except for the parents, who are basically useless. Seriously, these movies have some of the worst parenting, ever. In one scene, Bella comes back from her first date with Edward, screams to her dad about how she hates him -- keep in mind her father doesn't even know who Edward is -- and later says she's going to Arizona, and the father lets her. In fact, her father, nor any of the adults in this film, seem interested in what these kids are up to. If Bella was my daughter I would just put her in a time capsule, bury her in the backyard, and wait ten years to dig her up.

So, there you have it. Let the record show that I have successfully watched, and survived the Twilight films. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go wash the taste out of my mouth with some Harry Potter and, Lord of the Rings, and Star Wars. Oh, Hell, better throw in some in some of The Matrix, just in case.   read


10:23 AM on 06.23.2010

Video Games are for a Woman's Gentiles



What's this shit about video games being for the hardcore? Video games are for geeks and losers who like to jack-off at pictures of fourteen years olds on 4chan. I work out at the gym everyday for six hours, try finding a fatty gamer who even knows what a gym is. I have a mega hot girl friend who sucks my cock whenever I tell her too. Her mom and sister are really hot too, sometimes we have a foursome while my buddy Dave video tapes us and puts it on my website. Yeah, I got my own website, I post pics of myself flexing for all the ladies out there. I mean come on who plays fucking video games? Killzone and Gears of War (not that I know what those are) aren't half as badass as me without my shirt on. Nothing beats my-modda-focking biceps, bitches!

Whoever says video games are artistic, fun, and promote socializing is a fucking idiot. I've gotten so much pussy that I could open a shelter for cats. I'm surprised my huge, sixteen inch penis hasn't fallen off yet from all the tail I score at the clubs every night. I'm like Tom Cruise, except I'm not gay, and I'm a better actor. Also, one time I got an offer to play in the NFL on any team I wanted, but I couldn't do it because I was already planning on being the first man on mars. I'm gonna punch a motherfucking Martian, man!

Blows your cock off doesn't it? I love my bros by the way. Not in a faggy, rainbow lover kind of way, I mean even if I was gay, and I'm totally not, I could probably score the hottest guy in the world. I'd get so much ass very night, then I... well... uh... anyway, the 360, PS3, Wii, and Atari are all stupid. If you want to be as awesome as me some day, forget it, but you might be able to get close if you work hard enough. I wouldn't know about any of that though, I'm fucking rich, and I can hire bitches to do hard work for me.So, ee ya, I've got to go lift weights, hang with the guys, solve world hunger y punching it in the face, and pleasure my girlfriend. "I'M THE MOTHERFUCKING BEST YEAAAAH!!!!"

  read


7:53 PM on 05.24.2010

Pixel Perfect Reviews: Red Dead Redemption




You would think that Wild West would be as prevalent a setting for video games as World War II: Lone men riding through the desert, struggling against the pitfalls of nature, wooing women, and of course, saving the day from dirty outlaws. Up until now, the western genre has been criminally overlooked, with only a few noteworthy titles.

But all that has changed.





I can’t say for a fact that Red Dead Redemption – the pseudo-sequel to last generation’s third-person shooter cult hit, Red Dead Revolver – is the beginning of a western renaissance, but if there is one company that has proven itself capable of changing the lay of the land, it’s Rockstar. Well, technically RDR has been developed by Rockstar’s new California studio, and I’m happy to report that the apple hasn’t fallen far from the corporate tree. Rockstar West has crafted the best western themed videogame of all time. That might seem a little pretentious of me to say, but after I road along the prairies, strolled through the seedy towns, and started my first bar fight, I knew that I was playing something special.

RDR takes place in the made up state of New Austin and some of Mexico. It’s 1911, and the old west is no longer as wild as it used to be. Times are changing, movie houses have sprung up, railroads have been opened, and the federal government is making every effort to clear the land and make room for “civilization,” which, turns out not to be as great as it sounded. Players control John Marston, a former outlaw, who, like New Austin, is trying to leave his past behind him and build a new life for himself and his new wife and son. Unfortunately, federal agents have begun to threaten his plans, and the only way he can protect his new way of life is by once again wielding his six-shooter.

It’s easy to call RDR just Grand Theft Auto with a western theme, but to call RDR a knockoff, would be doing it a disservice. While it may be similar in structure to the the GTA series – both are open world games with mission by mission story progression – RDR has a style all its own, which begins with the setting itself.

Unlike the loud and claustrophobic urban streets of GTA, RDR has wide open plains with only the occasional small town. The world isn’t as crowded, nor does is it as static as the city streets. The world of RDR is much more quiet and serene then most other open world games, and at times, it reminded me of those long stretches of constant riding through the bleak land of Shadow Of The Colossus. You’ll spend most of your time in the wilderness, where you will come into contact with an entire ecosystem of animal including deer, rabbits, coyotes, cougars, mountain goats, rattlesnakes, and more. You can even find wild horses and tame them for your use.

You’re going to do a lot of traveling in RDR, but luckily, Rockstar was smart enough to include a whistle button, that will summon your horse at any time. The horses control spectacularly as well, though it will take a few minutes to adjust, once you do, you’ll be jumping fences and pulling of headshots while riding like a pro. Speaking of headshots, the gunplay in RDR is very solid. The controls are similar to GTA, so you should feel right at home. There have been a few adjustments, like weapon selection being on the left bumper and ability to switch between left and right viewpoints; the biggest change, however, is the inclusion of “Dead Eye” – one of the few elements of the original brought over – which allows you to slow down time and mark your targets for more accurate and badass shots.

There’s also a lasso, which can be used to rope, and hogtie victims, or to catch wild horses and tame them. If you ever get bored of the main story missions, you can always participate in money making games like poker and arm wrestling, go after bounties, or help out whenever you see trouble. There are also side-missions given out by random strangers. Some of them are one time gigs, while others have their own story ark. My personal favorite is the “I Know You Missions,” featuring one of the game’s most intriguing characters.

You might have noticed that I haven’t said much about the story, but that’s only because I don’t want to ruin it. This is Rockstar’s story yet, with clever writing and well performed voice over work from a great cast. However, while it may be Rockstar’s best effort yet, RDR does suffer from the same problem facing many Free Roam games – the archaic mission structure. I’m sick of having to run across the map to start my next mission, and more importantly, it throws off the story’s pacing. Also, I think Rockstar made a mistake by giving players violent and dishonorable options when dealing with some problems, since encouraging a man to cheat on his wife, or keeping stolen money seems out of character for John Marston; though Rockstar does show restraint by not letting him sleep with Saloon escorts – he’s married after all. It doesn’t have quite the number of issues that the GTA series has had with its stories, but it seems Rockstar still has some narrative chinks to work out.

Luckily, for the story, it gets an extra boost thanks to the fact that RDR has some of the best art direction and animations in this generation of games. I don’t know what sort of magic, Rockstar’s programmers have mixed into their in-house engine, but they should consider sharing it with the rest of the class.

Oh, yeah. I almost forgot, multiplayer.





GTAIV’s multiplayer was a fun experiment, but RDR completely blows it out of the water in almost every conceivable way. The main attraction is Free Roam, where you, along with up to sixteen friends can all hook up in a posse and play cooperative missions together or cause trouble in the local towns. The setup is similar to that of Borderlands, but not quite as polished. There are also more traditional modes to play in: including Shootout, Grab The Bag, and Hold Your Own. All of these modes work well enough, but another mode, called Gold Rush, which has you picking up and dropping off bags of gold in chests doesn’t work well on all the maps and in big groups. I like how each round starts off with a Mexican Standoff. Though they seem more about luck then they do skill. I also would have liked free roam to be more populated with NPCs, and I did have some connection issues, but these are all things that can be patched at a later time. One thing I cannot excuse is giving players the option to use lock-on in verses. It simply ruins the balance of the game, and makes killing more about luck, rather than skill.

Despite an unbalanced multiplayer mode, as well as an archaic mission structure – RDR is one of the best games Rockstar has yet to produce. Though there are some narrative problems with pacing, they story is more often than not emotional and the characters are much more genuine. Those looking for a wild romp through the rogue years of America need not look further.

Now, about that Bully sequel…   read


7:22 PM on 04.16.2010

Adventures in Gamecrush




What happens when you and four friends get wasted and have sugar pumped directly into your blood stream; and have a webcam with a computer capable of playing top tier games? You go onto Gamecrush.com for some cheap laughs of course. I like to think of myself as a smart person, but this wasn't one of my best moments.

Still, I thought you might get a kick out of it, and mabye you'll learn something. This is also a great way of experiencing Gamecrush.com yourself, without having to erase your history in shame after words.

Read, laugh, cry, and pity us for spending fifty-five dollars on this shit -- using my credit card.





Session #1 -- And So It Begins...

Participant: Brian
Status: Drunk
Girl: Trixie
Game: Checkers

Brian: You sunk my battleship!

Trixie: Actually we're playing checkers.

Brian: Oh, fuck. I mean... king me!

Trixie: It isn't your turn.

Brian: Did I say you could speak? Fuck you. I'm gonna’ checkmate your ass.

Trixe: I'm leaving now.

Brian: How much do I owe you, doll?

Trixie: You already paid. Now I just need a tip.

Brian: OK, here's a tip. Don't cheat at internet board games. [Laughs] I'm just screwing' with you, here's four bucks.

End of Session.





Session #2 -- This Time for Reelz

Participant: Evan
Status: Drunk
Girl: Mandy
Game: Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare 2

Evan: Where is your unit, soldier!?

Mandy: Huh?

Evan: Ramirez, take out the UAV with this bottle opener!

Mandy: What the fuck are you saying?

Evan: You want to get court marshaled, bitch?

Mandy: Hey, who are you calling a bitch?

[Evan gets a headshot on Mandy]

Evan: Boom! One hundred points, that was a pretty good blow job, huh? I guess you owe me a tip.

End of Session.





Session #3 -- Session Harder

Participant: Ben
Status: Sugar Rush and Drunk
Girl: Stephanie
Game: Gears of War 2

Stephanie: Playing this game really turns me on.

Ben: Yeah, I know what you mean.

Stephanie: Really?

Ben: Big, sweaty, muscular men rolling around in the dirt; shoving foreign objects with sharp points into each other. God, I get hard just thinking about it.

Stephanie: Are you gay?

Ben: What? No. I'm bisexual.

Stephanie: Oh, OK.

Ben: You got a problem with gays?

Stephanie: No, I was just curious because of what you...

Ben: Oh, I see. Just because I'm gay, that means I like to have sex with guys, huh, is that it?

Stephanie: No, no, no; that's not what I meant. Wait, didn't you say you were bisexual.

Ben: Now you’re calling me a bisexual, fucking racist.

Stephanie: But you said... I just... I didn't mean... what?

Ben: What?

Stephanie: What?

Ben: Chicken butt!

End of Session.





Session #4 -- I'd Modern Her Warfare

Participant: Rich
Status: You don't want to know
Girl: Amy
Game: Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare 2

Game: Friendly Pave Low is online.

Rich: Are these guys even fucking trying?

Amy: Wow, you're awesome at this. A lot better then me.

Rich: Want to have a cage match?

Amy: You sure? You'll probably kill me in like three seconds.

Rich: Don't worry, I'll go easy on you.

[After an hour of play.]

Amy: Woo! 2500 to 250, I beat your ass again!

[Rich, dumbfounded, cannot think about what to say. We all stand around laughing at him.]

Rich: But, I...

Amy: C'mon, let's go again!

End of Session.





Session #5 -- My Turn Bitches

Participant: Me
Status: I Don't Drink, But I did eat a shit ton of chocolate caramels and three liters of soda
Girl: Evelyn
Game: Chess

Me: So what are you wearing?

Evelyn: Nothing much, just some PJ's and my game socks.

Me: What are game socks?

Evelyn: Special socks I wear when I game.

Me: Huh, weird. So do you like to read?

Evelyn: People's magazine and the tabloids. That stuff is hilarious.

Me: Any books?

Evelyn: I read mysteries sometimes.

Me: What mysteries?

Evelyn: Nancy Drew.

Me: How old are you again?

Evelyn: twenty-four.

Me: Hold on a second.

[I look at Brian.]

Me: For fuck sakes man, let me go, I'm not doing this.

Brian: C'mon dude, it'll be hilarious, just live a little.

Me: Mmmmm...

Brian: I'll give you ten bucks to play one game with her.

Me: Fine. But only because I might be able to write a funny blog about this.

[I go back to Evelyn]

Me: Alright, let's get started.

Evelyn: Sounds great, but can I ask you something?

Me: What?

Evelyn: How do you play chess again?

End of Session. God help me.   read


7:39 AM on 04.07.2010

WP's Guide to Amazing Games: Warpath: Jurassic Park




It has come to my attention that many of you have been suffering from a lack of good video games recently. Luckily for you, I just happen to have a vast knowledge of amazing games I’m willing to share. So for those of you struggling to find quality games to fill up your free time, I proudly present the first installment of my new series “Wandering Pixel’s Guide to Amazing Games!”

Released for the original Playstation in 1999, Warpath: Jurassic Park is fighting game where you play as dinosaurs. Huh, what? You say you want more information; a single sentence isn’t good enough? Let me rephrase: IT’S A FIGHTING GAME WITH MOTHERFUCKING DINOSAURS!!!

If that isn’t enough to make you open up a new tab and search eBay, then what the hell is wrong with you? Sigh. OK then, Mr. Skeptic, let me explain to you the brilliance of this game in detail.





Warpath allows you to choose from a roster of fourteen dinosaurs, which includes Acrocanthosaurus, Albertosaurus, Ankylosaurus, Carcharodontosaurus, Cryolophosaurus, Giganotosaurus, Megaraptor, Pachycephalosaurus, Spinosaurus, Stygimoloch, Styracosaurus, Suchomimus, Triceratops, and Tyrannosaurus. It also has a wide variety of exotic locals including Warehouse, Jungle, Jungle with rain, Jungle with a river going through it, and Jungle with an abandoned building. My personal favorite is the secret bonus stage, Laboratory.


Warpath uses an innovative control scheme that allows you to punch, kick, tail whip, bite, and double jump with any dinosaur. You can also use an innovative grappling system that lets you bite your opponent’s neck and throw them to the ground so you can stomp on their face. Because we all know dinosaurs solved all their problems using arena combat.





What makes Warpath the classic that it’s remembered as, is its attention to historical detail. The developers spent hours studying thousands of scientific and historical notes to make sure that every pixel of animation was 110% accurate.

When Tyrannosaurus punches Triceratops in the face, you can bet your balls that it is scientifically sound. They even went so far as to make half of the character roster just reskins of the other half because dinosaurs mostly fought the same way. Some have mistakenly attributed this to so-called “Copy and pasting” and “Lazy design,” but anybody who has ever been to Skool can tell you that dinosaurs all had very similar behavior and therefore fought the same. Also, Raptors are just tiny T-Rexes anyway.

And this why you should go and pick up a copy of Warpath: Jurassic Park. Dinosaurs. That is all.


  read


7:59 AM on 03.24.2010

Useless Lists: 5 Reasons Why I Want To Buy A PS3, But...




I own the original Playstation, Playstation 2 and PSP, but have held out on buying a PS3 for a number of reasons. One of the main reasons I've not yet joined the Sony gangbang is because I didn't own an HDTV. Nullifying one of the console's main features: the Blu-ray disk. However, as of a few months ago, that problem has been resolved, but I still have a few reservations...





5.) Blu-ray Movies



As stated above, the lack of HD in my house was one of the main reasons I never bought a PS3. Yet even with the glory of millions of pixels illuminating from my idiot box, I still have only have a regular DVD player connected to it. Up, in HD? HELLS YEAH!
BUT
Stand alone Blu-ray players have begun to go down in price, and then there's the issue of having to buy movies I already have again. I suppose I could just buy new release movies and just keep my old DVDs, but Blu-ray movies are more expensive, and after spending a few hundred dollars, the last thing I want to do is drain my bank account even more.





4.) It's Only $299



Let me break it down for you. $600 for a console? F*** you, Sony! $299 for a console? Now we're talking.
BUT...
It may be cheaper then before, but $299 is still a lot of money, not to mention all the accessories and games I'll pay for as well.





3.) Free Online Support



As a long time XBL subscriber, the thought of free online gaming almost sounds like something that the homeless man around the corner would yell at me on my way to school, but it's real. And it's on the PS3. I hate paying an additional $50 a year to have XBL. "So why do you pay for it if you don't like it," you may ask? Because, if I don't pay then I'll lose about 90% of the features, because piratically everything is available only to "Gold Members." Seriously, being a Silver Member on XBL is like being black in Alabama in the 1960's.
BUT...
XBL has a lot more features than PSN. Party Chat, shorter download times, cross platform online play, and a much larger library of downloadable games and media, just to name a few. Yup, like it or not, XBL has a bigger and better online network. Is it $50 a year better? No. But it does have the original Perfect Dark.





2,) The Playstation Move



Motion controls have always intrigued me. Although very few games with waggle have impressed me, I'm still facinated by the potential of the technology. Looking at the Playstation Move and its advances makes me wonder, "Could this be it? Is this the furture of gaming."
BUT...
I've owned a Wii since launch, and while I remain optimistic, four years of shovelware makes me a bit skeptical. Not to mention that since I already own a Wii, with Motion+, I feel like I would just basically be buying something I already have. Not to mention the steep prrice Sony is going to charge me. Also, The PS3 doesn't have No More Heroes or Mad World, which are considerable drawbacks.




1.) The Last Guardian, Killzone and 3D Dot Game Heroes



At the end of the day, it's all about the software. These two games make my mouth water on a regular basis, but they are exclusive to PS3. I get giddy just thinking about playing these masterpieces on my shiny new HDTV.
BUT...
Those are really the only two games I really want. Sure there's Little Big Planet, Infamous, and Uncharted, but in all honestly, I can easily do without them. Buying a $300 system for only two games seems like a waste to me. Plus, those mandatory installations piss me off.   read


7:56 AM on 03.23.2010

Nintendo Invents Freddy Vision 2.0




So… the 3DS...

God I hope that name isn’t final. Nintendo is one “O” away from that other console. I’ve got to say, on the list of theories as to what the successor to the DS was going to bring to the table, 3D wasn’t in my top 5, or 10. But apparently it is. I knew 3D was going to be a bigger part of gaming, but who would have guessed that the first true 3D video game system would be a handheld?

My feeling on the recent trend of 3D movies has been mixed. Movies such as Avatar, Alice In Wonderland, and Monsters vs. Aliens have all failed to impress me for more then a few minuets with their “innovation.” Maybe it’s because I wear glasses everyday, and having to wear two pairs of glasses to watch a movie isn’t exactly ideal.

But it seems that Nintendo has found the answer with their next handheld device, which won’t require any kind of glasses. While that certainly has sparked my interest, I still remain skeptical.

Staring at a 3D screen for two hours already makes my eyes hurt, I can only imagine inevitable blindness when I sit down and play my DS for three to four hours. Not to mention the motion sickness that may result from moving around. The only way I can see this working out is if I’m able to switch the 3D effects on and off during sessions.

My biggest gripe with this whole 3D gaming thing is that I can’t see what this will do from a game play sense. The touch screen changed the way we played our games, but what exactly could 3D bring to the interactive table? I honestly can’t think of anything, game play wise, that 3D could do. It seems like 3D will just be a visual thing.

Then again, this is Nintendo we’re talking about. If anyone can make ridiculous concepts work in gaming, it’s them. There isn’t much I can say about this because beyond it being in 3D and not requiring glasses I haven’t heard anything else. I guess we’ll have to wait until E3 to see what Nintendo’s mad geniuses have cooked up.   read


8:47 PM on 03.19.2010

Destructoid Community Members as Motivational Posters




I love this community, and recently started to think about what I could do to thank them for all of their kindness and general awesomeness. Then it hit me; a while back I did a post of the Destructoid editors as motivational posters, and since I love making motivational posters I decided to do the same for the community.

These weren't made with Photoshop or an online creator. I knew that if I did it the easy way it would be meaningless, so to prove my love for the community I made each and everyone from scratch only using Microsoft Paint. It took me five days to make all twenty of these posters as well as an extra few hours of technical difficulties.

Obviously the community is a lot bigger then just twenty people, but the limit amount for photos I can upload onto my blog is twenty, so I went through the difficult process of picking and choosing members to posterize. To everybody who isn't on here I apologize, and I hope to make another one of these in the future, so if you aren't in this one maybe next time you'll be given the poster treatment.

Enjoy. And feel fre to copy and paste these to your blog/website/facebook/porn site. I LOVE YOU ALL!!!
























































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