So here I am on a Friday, sitting around, being bored. Life is dull. The Xbox is at the repair center, the only games I have on the Wii are Wii Sports, Wii Sports Resort, and Just Dance...so...ya know, fuck that noise. Netflix is currently my only salvation. So as I'm browsing for some kind of thing to watch, I hear a ring ring of the doorbell...could it be? Is it my Xbox!? I rush to the door, eagerly hoping for the good news. Turns out it's not the Xbox, but...something possibly greater...
...For when I opened the door, the mailman handed me this-
Excited as hell, I immediately cut it open and emptied the contents out onto my bed. What lay before me was nothing less than a treasure trove of awesome!
LOOK AT IT ALL! Such a wonderful bunch of things. As my smile reached balding-pedophile proportions, I hastily sifted through everything and furiously snapped pictures. This act of generosity absolutely must be photographed, catalogued, and then blogged about so the world over can know just how amazing this mysterious bearded deity is.
The first thing to catch my eye was definitely this batch of cards. Look at that stuff! Marvel, Garbage Pail Kids, Apache helicopters, the whole nine yards. I haven't seen a garbage pail kid since I was one. They used to call me Burpy Murphy. That's my slave name though, just call me Apathy please. No, seriously. I will hurt you.
Next there was this amazing assortment of action figures. We've got a baller-tier axe-wielding skeleton, a crazy-legged soldier guy, a disembodied hand (Oh the fun I can have with you), a snake, a blue chicken, a gray sheep (Guess he was incapable of deciding what moral path he wanted to follow), and A FUCKING MINIATURE CTHULHU. Let that sink in a bit. Miniature. Cthulhu. Suddenly my pewter Transformers figurines that I got from a Monopoly set aren't even cool anymore.
Following that we had this sweet ass set of dice, which may or may not actually be authentic Vegas dice. I don't know for sure, but they do say "Fabulous Las Vegas" on them, and that's pretty sweet. They'll go super well with the Red Dead Redemption playing cards (Pictured, obviously), so maybe I can get some Liar's Dice going at the next drinking game! (Vodka in picture slightly related to conversation at hand)
STICKERS OMG!!!! Before this arrived, I never knew just how much I needed a Busta Rhymes sticker in my life. Or a Fischerspooner sticker. Or a Crystal Method sticker. I haven't yet found something to stick said stickers on, but when I do stick these stickers onto something they'll stick so hard that whatever I stick these stickers on will wish I didn't stick them on so hard.
Ah, reading material. I actually never knew The Partridge Family were so adept at solving mysteries. I also didn't know it was legal for cookbooks to leave the kitchen. I am gonna read that thing so hard that it'll wi-...wait, I made that joke already. Either way, I'm gonna take this cookbook and housewife the FUCK out of some recipes! (Disclaimer- I am not a mysoginist bastard)
How did he know I loved Def Jam: Fight For NY? Was it a guess? Intuition? Divine sorcery? And furthermore, how did he know that the biggest reason for me loving that game was the inclusion of Snoop Dogg? Or, more importantly, that you can throw Snoop Dogg through a second story window? Is this too many questions for one paragraph? Do I give a shit?
Ah, the all-important mixtape...err, mixcd. Actually, we're sticking with mixtape, more of a ring to it. So many good tracks featured on this CD! I swear, the minute Jamiroquai started playing I ran straight up to my room, found the funkiest hat I could, and started grooving like a madman. My pitbull now thinks I'm retarded because of this. Fuck her, she's just jealous that she has no rhythm.
Woah woah woah, Sonny Chiba movies!? Now, I've always heard about how much of an incomparable badass he is, but I have never once watched one of his films to find out. Thanks to the bearded deity, I can change that! Well, once the Xbox comes back at least. I tried spinning the disc really fast on my finger and using my laser vision, but that just resulted in bloody fingers.
I must mention though, that opening this package came with some side effects. After the initial convulsing and foaming at the mouth, I realized that I had somehow transformed. I developed super hearing and the ability to astral project myself into the bodies of small rodents. And on top of that, I somehow became a cool person and sunglasses sprouted out of my head. I can't take them off. Every picture that's taken of me now is blurry. And for some reason I can't stop making this pose:
Before I end this, I have one last thing to share. Possibly the most important part of this package, and the one that had the most profound effect on me. To some it may seem simple, but to me it meant all the world.
This. This is one of the nicest things that anyone ever's done for me. I will forever cherish this note. Seriously, thank you so much Occams for being such an amazing and thoughtful person. You are easily one of the most giving, most caring, most awesome people on Dtoid, and I can't wait to meet you at PAX and give you a big 'ole hug. You are the perfect example of just what this community has always been to me- a collection of wonderful, caring human beings who over time become your surrogate internet family. You're the big brother of that family, pretty much. Don't ever change.