Only a few days ago, my awesome Virtual Boy arrived in the mail thanks to my friend who found it in Japan. I actually had one when I was a kid and they had just come out, but tossed it aside pretty quick after seeing a commercial for Kirby Super Star (which is still an awesome game). I missed my 3D face attachment, though, so I'm thrilled to have another one finally, even if it doesn't have a stand.

So, while all you losers are grooming your cats and spamming Hadokens on your 3DSes, I've been having a blast with the red and black wonder that is the Virtual Boy. Don't let the name fool you. They should have called this thing the Virtual Man. Mine came with Golf and Galactic Pinball, so I'm knocking all kinds of balls around in glorious 3D! I'm sure you pansy 3DS owners could only dream of playing with a manly pair of balls like I do every night rather than the lame monkey-filled ones of Super Monkey Ball. Better yet, I get to do it while laying face first on the floor like some kind of pampered royalty in one of those sex tables you find at massage parlors.



I also managed to dig my old copy of Teleroboxer out of my closet, which, sadly, does not involve balls, but instead three of my other favorite things: robots, boxing, and telecommunications. That's right. All three. In one tiny little cartridge. They even managed to pack it all into the title so you know exactly what you're getting into! I'm sure you 3DS owners are envious of that kind of candid entitling. I bet you didn't know what the hell was happening when you picked up Tom Clancy's Shadow Wars and it wasn't all first person shooter-y like you thought it would be.



Don't get me started on the pricing, either. I got my Virtual Boy system for $30 of pocket change while you dumb jerks forked out $250 for your shiny paperweight. And then you spent another $40 on some lame launch title like Pilotwings Resort that only lasts you as long as the battery in the system (which, by the way, is not very long)! My Virtual Boy has that beat in both respects: I can get some of the best titles on the system for only $30 and play for years with my AC adapter! And if I want to play on the go, I don't even need to dock it in some cheap charging station, I can just pop a handful of AA batteries in it and hit the road!

Now, I bet you're going to feed me some bullshit about the Virtual Boy being less portable than the 3DS. Well, I've got some news for you, Mr. 3DS (btw, the DS part stands for Douchebag Stupid). The Virtual Boy is every bit as portable as your dumb handheld with a little creativity. I know you babies like everything handed to you, so your video games are quick and easy to use right out of the box, but real men buy unintuitive technology and bend it to their will, just like I did with my now-portable Virtual Boy:



Choke on that. So goddamn portable that it'll make your eyes bleed the same color as the wonderful 3D you'll be enjoying as you walk down the street. Heads will turn. Small children will cry in envy and adults will toss their smartphones in disgust. Yeah. What up now? All you failures can pretend to enjoy your 3DSes while I endure more robust headaches than you could ever hope to experience on your baby toys. Headaches so deadly that Nintendo had to include an Automatic Pause feature (a feature I always turn off, mind you) so you wouldn't die playing. I bet that's why they discontinued it so quickly, because people of all ages were dying from brain explosions caused by Mario Clash. Nowadays, Nintendo is just too afraid of killing off its fanbase, so they scaled back the deadliness of the 3DS to a level that can only blind kids seven and under (who don't pay for their own video games anyway, so why should Nintendo care?). Blindness is for casuals. Hardcore gamers need their brains displaced.



In summary, Nintendo had it right with the Virtual Boy. Wicked red and black color scheme, monster headaches, and dual d-pads (that's right, who needs a touch screen? Or a slide pad? These are tools for the weak). All the ingredients required for a hardcore gaming machine. Just add your face and heat it at 450 degrees. Instant win. What do you get with the 3DS? The ability to put make a Mii jump out of your cat's butt? Fuck you, casual. Play a real man's handheld. A manheld.



The Nintendo Virtual Boy. Shit just got real. As real as it gets.