I've been a gamer since the 16-bit era (I know, so young and naive) so my opinions are at the least "slightly valid right? i remember the days when multiplayer required 1 TV, 2+ controllers, and 1+ more person than yourself in front of that TV. Those were the golden days of multiplayer, when it made sense and was fun. Well here's the deal, I hate a trend that is starting to overtake the gaming universe so badly in fact that i figured I'd come to you guys and tell you about it: I hate with a passion, online multiplayer. But why, you may ask yourself, I love online multiplayer it's bringing us together! Shut up. we weren't friends before shooting the fuck at each other or with each other thanks in part to some cable and some numbers, data and a bandwidth and what makes you think I'll be your friend when its over? Call me misanthropic, call me a shut in, or even call me a n00b i don't give a rat's ass. I am a part of a small faction of us gamers that still exists, I am a single player split-screener.



THE ONSET - when it's the most important selling feature of the game

How many times have you made a purchase just based on the gimmick, YOU AGAINST THE WORLD. If that's you, I hate you. Why would you wanna play a game that is basically the theory of evolution wrapped in a candy covered pixelated shell? Now don't get me wrong, I am very guilty of purchasing one or more games because of that exact reason (I just don't like to admit it). I'm also pointing at the online co-op games, screw you (you are the same problem but attempt to make it okay by saying "BUT WE ARR WORKING TOGETHER LAWL"). But honestly, are you that cut off from the world to realize that is exactly what you do when you do anything in the real world? Competition and survival of the fittest is everywhere in our society whether it's in your job, playing Russian roulette, or making a sandwich. Everyone wants to come out on top, it's human nature. Why do you want to bring that into the world that you inhabit to enjoy yourself? I don't get it and nor will I try.



THE TUMOR - Gamers who are addicted.

You. Yeah you. Assholes at the top of the leaderboards, go get a life. It's not hard and don't give me that bullshit that "hey man, dis is mah life alright?!" bullshit. You weren't born in front of the game system and taught only to play. I'm also looking at you people who shut yourselves out from the rest of the world and play for days on end. I understand going outside for you is never going to happen (if you did, your skin would sizzle, it's alright) If by chance that this is your career, playing video games and what not, then by all means i take my statement back. But for all you dickwads who constantly play and play and play and if the world was ending in an hour you would say to yourself "well shit that gives me at least another hour!" fuck you. The number one problem in our world is extremists, and guess what? They come in all forms, including the ones who have controllers or keyboards attached to their wrists. I'm not saying don't play the shit out of a game you've been holding out for or what, but what i am saying is don't let it consume your life.


THE PAIN - twelve year olds.

The most cliche thing on my list, I know but still it's a problem and it needs to go away. Maybe if we eradicate this generation of 12-year-somethings and try again, I wont hate the youth of this generation with such a passion. They've learned that they can hide behind this wall of screen and internet and be the most disrespectful little shits that make us all unhappy to share a species with them. Now all of you older gamers, do you remember while playing games like Goldeneye, Mario Kart, or even Tekken shouting at each other "FUCK SHIT BITCH EATSHIT (racial slurs here pls) FUCKING TWAT!!!" Of course you do, but you whispered it. Wanna know why? Because mom or pop would have broke your jaw had they heard you shouting it, let alone saying it to another human being. I think we can solve this problem easily, install an age detecting laser into every online mulitplayer game. If anyone who is too young or acts like an immature shit grabs it, the laser activates and it fires a single pure shot of energy right between the eyes. Totally humane and 100% satisfaction guaranteed.



ATTEMPTING TO COPE WITH DEATH - MMOs and their army.

I have nothing against being a total nerd and loving your character or whatever. but what i do have a problem with (and I've already covered this to a degree) is the people who lose track and become their character. We've all seen the videos, those WoW weddings and funerals are cute guys really, but wholly unnecessary and stupid. I understand and see it as a culture all of its own or that you have to commit to certain cult-like rituals to gain items but still. Have we lost our connection in our own race that far that we can't even have enjoyable "role playing" situations in our real world? Honestly we're all in an RPG and its called life. Sorry to say, there are no patches for it. But seriously, people committing suicide over their characters? Playing themselves to death? It pains me further to note that a vast majority of MMO players are highly intelligent individuals.. Please guys, use those brains.



THE LAST BIRTHDAY - VOIP and the d-bags who use it.

I am appalled, really. Its the same problem as those little shit 12 year olds, people who are too immature and decide to let their mouths shit everywhere. That's right, you racist, sexist, and vulgar shits on the Xbox live, I'm talking to you, go fuck yourselves. Granted my opinion is no less valid than yours, and by all means we share the same rights. But hey, were you touched by a priest of another race while you were a child then slapped in the mouth by a foul mouthed parent everyday of your life? If so, then I feel terrible for you and can attempt to understand why you are the way you are. But seriously the other 99% of you twats. It's just like your parents used to say, "If you cant say anything nice, don't say anything at all."



THE DEATH BED - What it is doing to our universe.

Video games have come a long way. In practically 30 years, gaming has come from an idle pastime to something that is on the verge of being considered a respectable art. A verge that we are slowly falling away from thanks in part to everything I've talked about here. We have a bucket full of dicks who want nothing more than to pull the plug on video gaming forever and every time someone does a study on video games, the common online fps is pointed at. Yes I know the GTA controversies, and I agree it was only a matter of time. But as someone who is a hopeful game dev, I hope for our sake we can turn this around. It prides me to say that I am a gamer and that video gaming has been an important factor in who I am today. But imagine if we turn ourselves around, one day video games could be revered as wondrous pieces of art, it's a beautiful and optimistic dream. But I love it.



THE HOPE FOR A CURE - A better tomorrow.

I never said I hate mutiplayer, lets get that straight right now. But I think in this world of online multiplayer, we're losing touch of whats really important, the experience. How many of you still have friends come over and play a split screen, any of the Smash Bros series, or even just take turns "co-op" playing through a single player game? If a lot of you reply to this with a resounding yes, I will be pleasantly surprised.

Here's the deal folks, I know this has been a long read and I know a general populous will disagree with me. But I honestly hope that this blog will get you thinking.