DISCLAIMER: Due to me being a crazed gamer (who is delicious and sexy in every way) I bought a Japanese import Nintendo Wii just to bring you people a review of the outrageous arcade smash hit Muscle Kōshinkyoku, because I love you.
DISCLAIMER DISCLAIMER: There's a big fat lie somewhere in that last disclaimer. Find it and win.
DISCLAIMER DISCLAIMER DISCLAIMER: The lie isn't about the delicious and sexy in every way. That is nothin but trufax yo' trufax.

Muscle Kōshinkyoku, or Muscle March as it's know stateside, is one of the greatest things to come out of Japan since... well since... uhh... since... Pandas and macaroni salad. Regardless, the idea of 4 muscle bound mr/ms universes chasing down savagely a fastidious sticky fingered (bad choice of words but I will never be silenced) bastard who only wants to steal the most valuable thing known to mankind. Powdered Protein. The one thing kings, emperors, and the forests of world have all sought and murdered for since the beginning of time. If it has cells in it, it needs that fucking protein. It is your job, as the meekest of the muscle madmen, to make sure that the thief does not complete his goal NO MATTER WHAT I took the role of that very superb superhero and began the march to save humanity and the protein.


NOBODY STEALS THE FUCKING POWDERED 'JUST ADD WATER' GOLD. NO MAN. NO ANIMAL. NOT EVEN A FUCKING GOD.

Muscle March features 2 modes (I dont read Japanese so I'm going to make them up): 'Save the protein, save the world' and 'Chase the gold muscular god through space and time to save the protein.' The first mode is the arcade classic in which a team that weighs more than a ton in muscle chases a perp with protein. The second is merely a terrible attempt at multiplayer "take turns" gameplay. bleh.. Anyways the first mode has 3 different worlds which include: the city, the past, and the future. All 3 of the worlds have 3 thieves and 3 "Stages." If you've watched the trailer, you know how this game works and you know that when you catch the guy he tosses up the parcel and the next one magically comes up out of nowhere to start the chase all over again! I wont spoil who the thieves all are (for their protection, I know you will all be in arms to kill them if you knew their identities) but to be honest I was quite dissapointed..
All 3 worlds end with the same thief taking the protein...


THIS GUY

Why Dr. Manhattan wants protein I haven't the slightest, but let me tell you all the time he's spent in space has really taken a toll. He rides a skateboard and gyrates his ass in a circle no matter how fast his magic skateboard goes or how many poses he throws out. It's really really REALLY out of character and awkward to watch how far he's fallen. Wait for that E True Hollywood Story, itll be a real tear jerker.

Which reminds me.. How you catch these bastards is amazingly inventive. Holding the jug of protein makes the one holding it stronger than diamond and faster than a cheetah. Just like real thieves these dishonest douche bags arent the smartest nails in the tool chest. They seem to enjoy glorifying their awesomeness by making poses and running square into walls and right through them in the shape of their pose. A sort of signature if you will. Unfortunately for them, their pursuers are professional pose makers! Making the poses are as simple as waving the wiimote + numchuks in a sort of voodoo doll hokuspokus kind of way. I don't it people I just play it and write about it. With every successful pose it speeds the chase up and creates a combo...


the chase is long, sweaty, and hard... go ahead and chuckle, I did it on purpose

But not all can be good in this garden.. At random a banana peel will be placed in the path of your muscled marauders and will cause a devastating slip to the one closest to you. The slip is so devastating they cant even pose to save their lives! The poor soul will end up smashing into the wall and spiralling into a sad and sickening doom as they wish you the best in your pursuit. A tragedy yes, but you must press on and now you have a personal vendetta against the one being chased. This will happen two more times until it is only you and the bandit in which he speeds up and attempts to break away once and for all.. BUT NOT IF YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT IT! Pose quick, pose well, and you will catch that bastard in no time flat! Pose wrong however and well its all over for you and the fallen...


Get him polar bear in speedo.. Get him for all those who fell before you!

As exciting as I made it sound.. Muscle March sadly gets old quick, I finished the whole game in about 15 minutes tops maybe? But at least it's priced correctly (800 wii points). I saved the world's supply of powdered protein supplement one pose at a time. And now I can rest easy...

I give Muscle March for WiiWare 8 INCREDIBLY HOMOEROTICLY AWESOME IN EVERYWAY POSES OUT OF 10 .