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11:53 AM on 07.29.2010

quickblog: Was that my left bicep!? (NVGR) poss. NSFW

No.. it was my--




I had to share this with the community.

I thought it was amazing.   read

9:27 AM on 06.29.2010

A letter from New Austin: How I Became John Marston

Let me preface this article with one quick statement: I am normally not a fan of Rockstar or their games. I do not support the lifestyles they promote, I usually find their characters tripe, their plots tiring and bland, and feel that they are highly overrated. Then why am I writing this article, you ask? Simple, I played a Rockstar game. A great Rockstar game, an amazing Rockstar game, a game I would never have ever expected myself to be even talking about. If you couldn't tell by those descriptions, I am talking about Red Dead Redemption (or maybe the images gave it away, I don't know).

Red Dead Redemption was a game I was told by the general pubic... err public* I just "HAD TO PLAY." So grudgingly I did. And by the end of it I discovered something amazing, the main character John Marston and myself were one in the same (outside of the whole I'm real and he's not... OR AM I?). But do not fret my dear reader I wont leave you questioning how that happened (time travel? A biographical? Rockstar stole your likeness?), that's right par'dner/amigo/creepy guy with the lube hoping for pictures of boobies or muff shots (that's right, I see you there... Go ahead, apply it. It will be one of those articles) saddle up, you're about to find out how.



As stated prior I was told I *had* to play this game. "amazing," "awesome," "a western," "if you want to see the light of day again: GET TO PLAYING," are just a few examples of what people were saying about this damn game. Every time I would simply respond with /emote_rolleyes and go back to sucking at Super Ken and Ryu Online IV, maybe giving a slight, "Perhaps" in between my daily masochistic beat down sessions. Then finally it became unbearable so I, utilizing my astounding level of persuasion, convinced a website to send me a copy (GameFLY is SO my bitch.) so I could finally shut everyone up by shitting on their apparently new favorite game. Before I did however, I did do a little research. Spoiler-free research of course! Well turns out if you didn't already know (I AIN'T GOING TO TELL YOU AGAIN, SPOILARS!) RDR is a free roaming mission based title with all sorts of extras such as outfits, side quests, and time wasting derpy things like horseshoes.

So, being the grouchy gamer forced to play something I had no interest in, I said to myself "ONLY THE MAIN QUESTS" and that's what I did. Focused completely on the main story, little to no side quest completion, no outfits gained, no horseshoes thrown, and maybe one bounty. John had to kill his friends, I had to get back to my life. We were in this together, and we wanted to get out of this fast. Think of the movie Twins.. no wait, don't. Think of Tomorrow Never Dies.. No, okay go ahead and think about Twins, that is a great movie. Anyways, we were stuck together whether we liked it or not, I was helping him, he was helping me. But just like another great movie, Marmaduke, we learn all too late that it's hard to let go after the adventure... Thus begun the adventure into New Austin for the both of us.


Seriously? I had to go to Mexico now too? Mexico, home of the real wild west (south?) apparently, I was pissed off beyond belief that I was lead to believe I was done; WE were done! We had bundled a ragtag gang of weirdos, ala Mass Effect 2, and completed an amazing end-of-game-worthy battle against Bill Williamson and his gang at Fort Mercer. And the one surviving member of the Williamson gang has the gall to let me know "YOUR WILLIAMSON IS IN ANOTHER CASTLE." I should have filled his eye sockets with lead just like every Toad that said the same thing to Mario, the trigger happy bastard. I was so shocked by this, I swear John and I both thought the same thing, 'This goddamn shit isn't over yet!?' Truth be told, I was unhappy with what had happened up till that point, nothing was standing out to me. I cared nothing for the characters, cared nothing about racing across the beautifully rendered 'land of opportunity' (see:wasteland) that is New Austin. And now I had to go to Mexico too?! Fuck this. John and I both felt betrayed, in different ways, Rockstar betrayed me as the intelligence gathered betrayed John.

Anyways, as I grinded my teeth quietly raging to myself I got on that raft with Irish and fought the bandidos on the rio praying that there would be something different in Mexico, instead of helping able bodied people do things they more than likely would have done themselves. But maybe a quick mission and get the fuck back to John's family and my family of games waiting for me. I was dead wrong, Red Dead Wrong... (ehehe..)


So fast forward a bit, now we're on top of a mountain fighting alongside the US army and it's snowing like crazy. John and I had ended the Mexican Revolution, hung out with Sam Elliot, killed both Bill Williamson and Javier Escuella (Bonus kill!), seized a train/protected the same train/stole the train again, watched an innocent die, and watched the vicious and telegraphed tyrant cycle start again. Now we are north of New Austin chasing after John's previous leader Edward Blake, I mean Dutch Van Der Linde, and his new gang of Native Americans, (badasses pretty much) because the government is doing what the government does - fucking their own promises! Once again the end was in sight and it was yanked out right from under us. But now, now we're here on this mountain top with Dutch cornered, both John and I once again thinking again, "Kill this douche then we depart ways. You get your life back and I get mine." Dutch reenacts the beginning of the Watchmen solo-style and throws himself off of the cliff. The government goons show up, slap John on the back and send him home where his family is waiting.

The End.

We start riding home listening to some tired sounding guy sing a song expecting both the embrace of John's family for him and the credits for me. "Not so fast friend." John says to me, "lets ride for one more chapter, then... then its over." Its then I realize, small and faint, that perhaps we are the same person? I shake the feeling, grunt, and move on. We had worked for this, for John it was days but for me it was mere hours. But together we had accomplished great things, helped many people, killed many people, and now it was all over. Now instead of John and I helping people, its my turn to help John.


As John spends quality time with his family and his deadbeat "uncle," who is in seriously need of a napkin, doing things that we've done now for what it feels countless times I realize something is amiss. This is too perfect, too normal. RDR is built on tragedy and conflict, yet the only tragedy that has happened so far is old chunk beard let the livestock go while John was gone. Then it happens. Jack goes up the mountain to fight a bear and unlike his papa he isn't blessed with the ability to beat the odds and gets his ass kicked. John saves the day like he has so many times before, using his hero on his waist he kills the grisly and everyone goes home happy (minus one godless killing machine). But then it happens.

John is having a sensitive moment with his son talking about flying machines and books or some shit and gets interrupted by vomit man and his (vomit covered, I'm sure) binoculars, letting us know that some bad mother fuckers be on the horizon. "Oh shit, the rest of Dutch's gang?! Banditos?! Friends of that bear we just killed?! Worse: Its the fucking US Army here for John. John then quietly tells Jack to get in the house with his mother while both he and I and uncle too apparently prepare for the final battle. Everyone's luck runs out sometime, John's has finally too.


John Marsden died that day fighting the US army, but saved his family in the process leading his son Jack to become a man in his father's own image. I didn't play the post-John game. I shut it off quietly, returned the game to the mailbox, and reflected. I did so for about 3 days, then went to my local money taker, GameStop, and bought myself a copy. Why so? Because, well just like a corny after school special I learned something about myself. John Marston and I were one in the same and I didn't realize it, we both wanted to get out of our situation fast, I just wanted it faster. Together we were put together not by our choice but by persuasion from others we were steered the same. We both helped a whole shitload of people, both of us grunting and moving right along. We killed a fuck-ton together too. John completed his goal before I completed mine, yet I was the one left with feelings of regret as if I had lost a piece of myself, a friend. Longing to return to John Marston and New Austin, I happily bought RDR and added it to my collection, my first Rockstar title ever and am enjoying my 2nd and full completion playthrough.

and that's how the Terminator went back in time to save Christmas. The end.   read

8:24 PM on 01.06.2010

Guess who is going to that bitchin' SSFIV event in Vegas?

I AM!!

Just got my confirmed invite to the tournament! I am so excited I cant even handle it... "But Sir B7ue how did you manage to become so intimidatingly awesome in so short of a time?" Shut up before I break your teeth with a freshwater trout. I have always been this awesome, its just time someone noticed..

Anyways, the way to win an invite was by sending capcom a message at the capcom-unity site and explain to them why you should receive said invite.

here is a copy of my message:

(pardon the lack of spell check, I dont spell for you, I dont spell for anyone)

Dear whomever it may concern,

Let me start with this - I will suplex you. No seriously, El Bueno does not kid…

Now that I have that out of the way (and your attention), I would like for you to consider my modest proposal as to why you should send me an invite to your fancy little preview event (If you prefer the non-TL;DR version, scroll to the final paragraph)

First off, I will reluctantly admit it. I suck at Street Fighter, always have. But with the announcement of Super Street Fighter IV I knew I could finally have my chance to shine. When I first saw El Fuerte in SFIV I knew I finally had a home in your well established franchise. I did everything I could to get better, I even bought that amazingly awesome SFIV madcatz-special-edition-fightstick-amazing-piece-of-heaven for my hard earned pounds of flesh. Sadly no matter what, my luchadore spirit never quite connected with the frantic ADHD-stricken fighter supreme that is Fuerte. The announcement of Super Street Fighter IV gives me hope however, it means a chance at rebirth. A chance for this phoenix to rise from the ashes of terrible defeats (one time, no joke my record was 2-30-1.. Yeah seriously I sucked straight nachos) with a improved move list, better combo opportunities, and hopefully some more awesome suplexes. Lots of suplexes SSF IV is going to be amazing, I can feel it in my joystick…

Secondly, think about it - what a better way to represent your remixed game by having some of the best players and some of the worst. Imagine what a statement it would make if I was able to actually go toe to toe with much more improved players and give an exciting fight not by just button mashing but by having an equal learning advantage. Not going to lie, I will probably suck more than Seth’s cheap ying-yang belly button-torso-thing but it will be the most entertaining suckage that anyone will witness. So if you invite 6 of the USA’s best fighters and decide to throw me a bone and invite me as well - I guarantee to beat everyone (false confidence, but confidence none the less!) with nothing but perfects (ok, now that’s just facetious…) but finish every match with an ultra combo (setting up for amazing failure) and beat my chest like a gorilla. How’s that?

Lastly - I own several luchador masks and will gladly wear one the entire tournament. No seriously, I collect them. When I mentioned that I practically bought SFIV just to beat in Ken’s face with a flying suplex spin around into a nose breaking kick, I had a reason. Its kind of like a split personality or something but I have the worlds greatest hero living within me. His name is El Bueno and he was the one who promptly stated that I would suplex you and he (I am?) is not joking. I have enough masks to wear one everyday for a normal work week. I will include a picture of the classic Bueno mask along with this message. Seriously, think of how awesome it would be to have a luchador fighting against someone on stage. Epic doesn’t even cut it.

Personally I believe you should invite me to this little tournament. Not because I am the greatest street fighter there is (frankly I’m more of a Dan than a Ryu in proper terms) but I am incredibly excited and have the highest expectations that SSFIV will live up to everything hardcore fans and non alike can agree on. I love Street Fighter, I love fighting games, and most of all I love you Capcom.

Have my babies and invite me to this amazing once in a lifetime event please.

and completed it with a wonderful photo taken from my DSi:

Am I a whore for awesome things? Perhaps, yes. But regardless I am going to this tournament of street fighting kings and will represent Destructoid while there..

Wish me luck, I will post my results with photos and details on everything I see/play/and squeeze.

5 Barry White clones agree Capcom = sex.   read

12:54 PM on 11.16.2009

The Cancer That is Killing Me: Online Multiplayer

I've been a gamer since the 16-bit era (I know, so young and naive) so my opinions are at the least "slightly valid right? i remember the days when multiplayer required 1 TV, 2+ controllers, and 1+ more person than yourself in front of that TV. Those were the golden days of multiplayer, when it made sense and was fun. Well here's the deal, I hate a trend that is starting to overtake the gaming universe so badly in fact that i figured I'd come to you guys and tell you about it: I hate with a passion, online multiplayer. But why, you may ask yourself, I love online multiplayer it's bringing us together! Shut up. we weren't friends before shooting the fuck at each other or with each other thanks in part to some cable and some numbers, data and a bandwidth and what makes you think I'll be your friend when its over? Call me misanthropic, call me a shut in, or even call me a n00b i don't give a rat's ass. I am a part of a small faction of us gamers that still exists, I am a single player split-screener.

THE ONSET - when it's the most important selling feature of the game

How many times have you made a purchase just based on the gimmick, YOU AGAINST THE WORLD. If that's you, I hate you. Why would you wanna play a game that is basically the theory of evolution wrapped in a candy covered pixelated shell? Now don't get me wrong, I am very guilty of purchasing one or more games because of that exact reason (I just don't like to admit it). I'm also pointing at the online co-op games, screw you (you are the same problem but attempt to make it okay by saying "BUT WE ARR WORKING TOGETHER LAWL"). But honestly, are you that cut off from the world to realize that is exactly what you do when you do anything in the real world? Competition and survival of the fittest is everywhere in our society whether it's in your job, playing Russian roulette, or making a sandwich. Everyone wants to come out on top, it's human nature. Why do you want to bring that into the world that you inhabit to enjoy yourself? I don't get it and nor will I try.

THE TUMOR - Gamers who are addicted.

You. Yeah you. Assholes at the top of the leaderboards, go get a life. It's not hard and don't give me that bullshit that "hey man, dis is mah life alright?!" bullshit. You weren't born in front of the game system and taught only to play. I'm also looking at you people who shut yourselves out from the rest of the world and play for days on end. I understand going outside for you is never going to happen (if you did, your skin would sizzle, it's alright) If by chance that this is your career, playing video games and what not, then by all means i take my statement back. But for all you dickwads who constantly play and play and play and if the world was ending in an hour you would say to yourself "well shit that gives me at least another hour!" fuck you. The number one problem in our world is extremists, and guess what? They come in all forms, including the ones who have controllers or keyboards attached to their wrists. I'm not saying don't play the shit out of a game you've been holding out for or what, but what i am saying is don't let it consume your life.

THE PAIN - twelve year olds.

The most cliche thing on my list, I know but still it's a problem and it needs to go away. Maybe if we eradicate this generation of 12-year-somethings and try again, I wont hate the youth of this generation with such a passion. They've learned that they can hide behind this wall of screen and internet and be the most disrespectful little shits that make us all unhappy to share a species with them. Now all of you older gamers, do you remember while playing games like Goldeneye, Mario Kart, or even Tekken shouting at each other "FUCK SHIT BITCH EATSHIT (racial slurs here pls) FUCKING TWAT!!!" Of course you do, but you whispered it. Wanna know why? Because mom or pop would have broke your jaw had they heard you shouting it, let alone saying it to another human being. I think we can solve this problem easily, install an age detecting laser into every online mulitplayer game. If anyone who is too young or acts like an immature shit grabs it, the laser activates and it fires a single pure shot of energy right between the eyes. Totally humane and 100% satisfaction guaranteed.


I have nothing against being a total nerd and loving your character or whatever. but what i do have a problem with (and I've already covered this to a degree) is the people who lose track and become their character. We've all seen the videos, those WoW weddings and funerals are cute guys really, but wholly unnecessary and stupid. I understand and see it as a culture all of its own or that you have to commit to certain cult-like rituals to gain items but still. Have we lost our connection in our own race that far that we can't even have enjoyable "role playing" situations in our real world? Honestly we're all in an RPG and its called life. Sorry to say, there are no patches for it. But seriously, people committing suicide over their characters? Playing themselves to death? It pains me further to note that a vast majority of MMO players are highly intelligent individuals.. Please guys, use those brains.

THE LAST BIRTHDAY - VOIP and the d-bags who use it.

I am appalled, really. Its the same problem as those little shit 12 year olds, people who are too immature and decide to let their mouths shit everywhere. That's right, you racist, sexist, and vulgar shits on the Xbox live, I'm talking to you, go fuck yourselves. Granted my opinion is no less valid than yours, and by all means we share the same rights. But hey, were you touched by a priest of another race while you were a child then slapped in the mouth by a foul mouthed parent everyday of your life? If so, then I feel terrible for you and can attempt to understand why you are the way you are. But seriously the other 99% of you twats. It's just like your parents used to say, "If you cant say anything nice, don't say anything at all."

THE DEATH BED - What it is doing to our universe.

Video games have come a long way. In practically 30 years, gaming has come from an idle pastime to something that is on the verge of being considered a respectable art. A verge that we are slowly falling away from thanks in part to everything I've talked about here. We have a bucket full of dicks who want nothing more than to pull the plug on video gaming forever and every time someone does a study on video games, the common online fps is pointed at. Yes I know the GTA controversies, and I agree it was only a matter of time. But as someone who is a hopeful game dev, I hope for our sake we can turn this around. It prides me to say that I am a gamer and that video gaming has been an important factor in who I am today. But imagine if we turn ourselves around, one day video games could be revered as wondrous pieces of art, it's a beautiful and optimistic dream. But I love it.

THE HOPE FOR A CURE - A better tomorrow.

I never said I hate mutiplayer, lets get that straight right now. But I think in this world of online multiplayer, we're losing touch of whats really important, the experience. How many of you still have friends come over and play a split screen, any of the Smash Bros series, or even just take turns "co-op" playing through a single player game? If a lot of you reply to this with a resounding yes, I will be pleasantly surprised.

Here's the deal folks, I know this has been a long read and I know a general populous will disagree with me. But I honestly hope that this blog will get you thinking.   read

10:34 AM on 07.31.2009

I, The Author: A Magical Life for a Magical Karp.

"Son, you are destined to do great things.."

Yeah right.

Here I am now in total darkness, I haven't seen the light of day in weeks and quite frankly I may actually be dead, but I'm not sure. If only my father could see me now. Oh I'm supposed to introduce myself right? I'm a Pokemon, more precisely a Magikarp. Any Pokemon trainers out there reading this already know, I am destined to do nothing but splash.. Sure if I'm lucky I may make it to that level I may learn tackle and a few levels after that I could evolve. But nine times out of ten, I and a majority of my species end up in this same fate of unknown existence. We Magikarp have it hard, and there is no love out there for the likes of us..

ACT 1: Magikarp-e diem

It was a nice sunny day in June, the cold water felt nice on my scales. I swam fast through the stream I was residing in just to feel the bubbles in my whiskers, today was perfect and nothing could change that. As I swam by I overheard two Shellder gossiping about a recent tragedy. I guess some Tentacool got too close to a boat's propeller and well.. The sea was red with poisonous jelly. (For most of you humans reading this, I am sure you are taken back that I knew what a boat was, well we Pokemon are a lot more intelligent than you give us credit for) But even that sad tale couldn't get me down today. I swam for a bit longer until my tail was tired and drifted to a nice little patch of algae for a quick snack. But right before I began to dine, I noticed something much more delicious was delicately dancing just inches above me. It was a baby Wurmple, struggling and wriggling with the current. It seemed unconscious but still alive.

A perfect treat.

I swam towards it curiously and making sure it wasn't a tricky Ditto or something more sinister. So far so good, it looked clean and clear. With one small gulp I swallowed the young Pokemon whole and happily began to swim back to the patch of algae. All of the sudden, I felt a tug on my lip 'what the--!' the tug soon became a pull and I was yanked out of the water by my lips. It was a lure, and I fell right for it.

ACT 2: Suffocation, Deprivation, Annihilation.

The outside air is warm and unforgiving to us fish-types, for several reasons. Reason 1. Its very dry outside of the water (Don't know if you've noticed) 2. I prefer to use gills as my primary breathing mechanism and it is a H2O only supporter. 3. I'M A FUCKING FISH. I suddenly came back down to Earth with a sickening "THUD" and began flopping upon the soft but terribly warm grass. A young boy who looked about 10 was starring intently into this small red device.. it was talking in a metallic voice, "In the distant past, it was somewhat stronger than the horribly weak descendants that exist today." "Aww, man. Well I heard from Prof. Oak that you can evolve into something super powerful all I gotta do is catch you!" the boy shouted at me. My consciousness was fading fast, either I was about to die or this kid.. wait what is he doing!? He's reaching for his belt and some orb in his hand was growing rapidly in size. Suddenly my heart grew cold and my spine fin rigid, I knew exactly what it was, a word that strikes fear into hearts of all Pokemon (big and small).


However this pokeball wouldn't be my prison. It would instead belong to a much stronger and much larger Pokemon. A Mightyena. My flopping was beginning to tire me out more so I attempted the only attack I could manage on land, splash! As I flopped for my life the small amount of water left on my body began to splash all over the Mightyena, what I considered injuring was merely pissing it off. "Use scratch attack, Mightyena!" The Mightyena walked over to me, and with one paw held me and my only attack down to the warm grass. with a grunt and a slight of its other paw it slashed me right across the face. The last thing I can remember was this small round shadow flying towards me.. My vision faded, and I fainted.

ACT 3: A Rock Hard Defeat

When I awoke countless hours later I was sitting inside some strange and euphoric chamber. There was no water, however I could breathe without a problem and it felt as if my strength was regaining more and more! the chamber I was in was large and was constantly flashing a healing light, a light tune accompanied the light. Suddenly it stopped and I heard voices, it was a soft and soothing voice and a very familiar voice. I barely caught "Thank you, your Pokemon are fighting fit!" and it suddenly felt as if the world was moving. I knew where I was, inside a pokeball and that pokeball belonged to the boy with the Mightyena. A few hours ago I would be dreading the thought but for some reason right now all I could think about was proving myself and helping this kid. I don't quite know what has come over me but seriously, I feel like a new Pokemon (Its hard to explain).

I drifted off to sleep sometime after and was awoke abruptly by the sensation of spinning! "GO MAGIKARP! I CHOOSE YOU!" the young trainer shouted. This was my chance, and i would make sure to prove my worth. I felt a strange warm and almost dismantling feeling as my new home seemed to get smaller and smaller further and further. Suddenly it stopped and there I was lying on the ground again, except this time I could breathe. "GO ONIX!" another voice shouted, this one sounding much older and as if the speaker was squinting. "GRAAAARGH" a booming voice called out, I flopped to see my opponent and was instantly frozen with fear. (I'm not going to bother discribing it, just know it was terrifying) "MAGIKARP USE...! uhmm.. wait, what attacks do you have?" Finally my chance to shine! Quickly I sprung into action and began sweating profusely from my scales, produced enough water and began splashing.

The Onix was either in a lot of pain or incredibly in a lot of pain because it and its trainer kept making a weird choking noise that sounded like laughter. But it couldnt be, was it!? I stopped splashing to listen and only heard one more thing, "oh god hahahaha ONIX baahahahah use hehe USE TACKLE!!" This is my last memory of being outside in the open air, a large rock formation coming straight down upon me...

I was knocked out.

EPILOGUE: Do All Pokemon Go to Heaven?

So that's my tale. No pun intended. From what i assume (from my limited knowledge of Pokemon training and the rules of it all) I believe I have been "boxed." Its dark and lonely here and frankly I haven't seen the light of day in what feels like years. I think I have been forgotten, perhaps both the young lad and myself were killed by the Onix that day. I am not sure, but what I am sure of is..

I am and always have been utterly useless.



1:39 AM on 06.05.2009

Muscle March: chase that protein, make that pose.

DISCLAIMER: Due to me being a crazed gamer (who is delicious and sexy in every way) I bought a Japanese import Nintendo Wii just to bring you people a review of the outrageous arcade smash hit Muscle Kōshinkyoku, because I love you.
DISCLAIMER DISCLAIMER: There's a big fat lie somewhere in that last disclaimer. Find it and win.
DISCLAIMER DISCLAIMER DISCLAIMER: The lie isn't about the delicious and sexy in every way. That is nothin but trufax yo' trufax.

Muscle Kōshinkyoku, or Muscle March as it's know stateside, is one of the greatest things to come out of Japan since... well since... uhh... since... Pandas and macaroni salad. Regardless, the idea of 4 muscle bound mr/ms universes chasing down savagely a fastidious sticky fingered (bad choice of words but I will never be silenced) bastard who only wants to steal the most valuable thing known to mankind. Powdered Protein. The one thing kings, emperors, and the forests of world have all sought and murdered for since the beginning of time. If it has cells in it, it needs that fucking protein. It is your job, as the meekest of the muscle madmen, to make sure that the thief does not complete his goal NO MATTER WHAT I took the role of that very superb superhero and began the march to save humanity and the protein.


Muscle March features 2 modes (I dont read Japanese so I'm going to make them up): 'Save the protein, save the world' and 'Chase the gold muscular god through space and time to save the protein.' The first mode is the arcade classic in which a team that weighs more than a ton in muscle chases a perp with protein. The second is merely a terrible attempt at multiplayer "take turns" gameplay. bleh.. Anyways the first mode has 3 different worlds which include: the city, the past, and the future. All 3 of the worlds have 3 thieves and 3 "Stages." If you've watched the trailer, you know how this game works and you know that when you catch the guy he tosses up the parcel and the next one magically comes up out of nowhere to start the chase all over again! I wont spoil who the thieves all are (for their protection, I know you will all be in arms to kill them if you knew their identities) but to be honest I was quite dissapointed..
All 3 worlds end with the same thief taking the protein...


Why Dr. Manhattan wants protein I haven't the slightest, but let me tell you all the time he's spent in space has really taken a toll. He rides a skateboard and gyrates his ass in a circle no matter how fast his magic skateboard goes or how many poses he throws out. It's really really REALLY out of character and awkward to watch how far he's fallen. Wait for that E True Hollywood Story, itll be a real tear jerker.

Which reminds me.. How you catch these bastards is amazingly inventive. Holding the jug of protein makes the one holding it stronger than diamond and faster than a cheetah. Just like real thieves these dishonest douche bags arent the smartest nails in the tool chest. They seem to enjoy glorifying their awesomeness by making poses and running square into walls and right through them in the shape of their pose. A sort of signature if you will. Unfortunately for them, their pursuers are professional pose makers! Making the poses are as simple as waving the wiimote + numchuks in a sort of voodoo doll hokuspokus kind of way. I don't it people I just play it and write about it. With every successful pose it speeds the chase up and creates a combo...

the chase is long, sweaty, and hard... go ahead and chuckle, I did it on purpose

But not all can be good in this garden.. At random a banana peel will be placed in the path of your muscled marauders and will cause a devastating slip to the one closest to you. The slip is so devastating they cant even pose to save their lives! The poor soul will end up smashing into the wall and spiralling into a sad and sickening doom as they wish you the best in your pursuit. A tragedy yes, but you must press on and now you have a personal vendetta against the one being chased. This will happen two more times until it is only you and the bandit in which he speeds up and attempts to break away once and for all.. BUT NOT IF YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT IT! Pose quick, pose well, and you will catch that bastard in no time flat! Pose wrong however and well its all over for you and the fallen...

Get him polar bear in speedo.. Get him for all those who fell before you!

As exciting as I made it sound.. Muscle March sadly gets old quick, I finished the whole game in about 15 minutes tops maybe? But at least it's priced correctly (800 wii points). I saved the world's supply of powdered protein supplement one pose at a time. And now I can rest easy...


2:05 AM on 05.14.2009

Derp. 15 Minutes spent Rolling With Katamari (Review)

(As a true Katamari Damacy fan I felt it my duty to pick this little gem up for my cell phone and at least play it for 15 minutes. Here's what I had to say)

While piloting the gaming portal on my LG VU I nearly had a heart attack as I noticed "Rolling With Katamari" from Namco Mobile. If I wasn't at work at the time I would have exclaimed from the bottom of my lungs in rapture that i finally had a game worthy enough of my hard earned $6.75. Instead I shook with intense quiet excitement as the Kilobytes downloaded the King of the Cosmos and his teeny son the Prince into my portable connection to the world. So for the next 15 minutes I was glued to my touch screen with glee, a beautiful world laid before me with the king to greet me.. What I found however was unlike my previous cosmos initiated endeavors... roll with me as I roll along with Katamari mobile..

what i hoped for was this..

what i got was...


Now i dont quite know how your confangled cellular telephones work.. But I'll tell you, mine is quite the fickle pickle. Its a touch screen so honestly I have no true guarantee what I push on screen will actually equal what i want on screen. Not to mention I have rather fat thumbs despite my lack of fat on my body, so all things get complicated especially when I have to pilot without staring at what I'm pushing.. Which is the first thing I noticed when I started the tutorial, the game is controlled all by these small arrow buttons at the base of the touch screen. EXCUSE ME NAMCO, IM PRETTY SURE ITS A TOUCH SCREEN. WHY DO I NEED BUTTONS, WHEN I CAN CLEARLY TOUCH THE KATAMARI IF I SO DESIRE? But no, Namco didn't even consider the thought of making an amazing touch screen katamari title.. They ported it to the cell phones in a cookie cutter way of one size fits all.. So while I'm struggling to roll my katamari because my thick dexterous keep hitting pause instead of left, some asshole is pushing buttons and laughing in my face. LAUGHING. IN. MY. FACE.

So needless to say, I'm frustrated with this Katamari adventure, not beaten however. I continue to give it my all as if the King himself (theirselves?) was sitting with his hand on my shoulder watching me roll up the junk onto my sticky ball (Its a fantasy I've long wished for). However within minutes I was beaten, I couldnt get passed star 3 and wondered the physics of how a garden gnome, which apparently is a meter tall, could spell the difference of 1 cm. And to add more fail to the hate fire, the king doesnt even abuse the prince in this one.. SERIOUSLY?! Sure he belittles the little guy, but no "hide from father's wrath" mini game in sight..

He watches you touch yourself at night/ before you read this review/right now while you read this review/ right after you read this review

So all in all for $6.75, i GUESS "Rolling with Katamari" may be a worthy cell-game purchase. However on the katamari scale, I give it 3m/10m..   read

9:40 PM on 02.08.2009

The Top 10 Hardest Working Robots in Gaming

(unable to disobey our future robot overlords, I trueB7UE, was forced into creating this list or face infinite end of computation. Thats 100101 for they'd fucking tear my brain from my body!)

Now i know what you're all thinking, 'a top 10 list for reals? has D-toid suddenly become!?' Now, now my sensually soft to the touch reader do not worry. This isnt a hostile takeover by a ridiculously lame site, its just a small scale hostile take over of your compassion receptors. You see for far too long, robots/androids/cybernetic beings have been shunned or mere cannon fodder in most video games. They range from an easy common enemy that explodes in hillarious ways to possibly massive bosses that best us often. I think it stems from our own feelings of jealousy that we place them in such a light. Do not fret puny human, they are our friends not our enemies. And instead of worrying about a highly likely, inevitable, soon to come robot takeover...

Sit back and read my delicious blog about the...


10. Teifu ----Phantasy Star Online Episode 3 C.A.R.D. Revolution

If anyone reading this has followed the PSO lore, I've already made a grave mistake in picking Teifu for the list. For you see he isnt really a robot, he is a Cast. Better yet, the biggest pussy cast to ever grace the PSO franchise. Casts, if you are curious dear lovable squishy reader, are a race that although metal and cold to the touch are considered equals in the eyes of the human and newman species. Unlike either of those races, cast's cannot cast spells of any kind (they missed that seminar in programming). Thusly they are suited for the tank and sniping classes. Anyways, Teifu is considerably weak a slave to a young girl (who ties him up and beats him to relieve stress) and often times referred to as a "she" by the fanbase. BUTT TRUBLU WHAY YOU PICK HEEM? Simple. The poor guy has it rough and to make matters worse, doesnt really add to the story of PeeEssOoh at all despite being a playable character. Hes just there to be made fun of, and hes personally my favorite character.

9. Cyrax/ Sektor/ Smoke ---- Mortal Kombat Franchise

Mortal Kombat in the eyes of a robot would be a laughable game at best. Their strange portrayal of robots and mortal beings able to ACTUALLY contest one another. Lets get one thing straight here, robots are better at fighting for so many reasons: 1. they dont feel pain. 2. They have no mercy. 3. they are always thinking of ways to disembowel all lifeforms. 4. they can calculate your next move 100000 moves ahead of you. 5. they cannot die. Cyrax and his gang of color swaps however, seem to be obsolete models.. They arent at all intimidating, unstoppable, or immortal. As much as i love them all (equally, no favorites here ppl) i often times find people do not choose them to play as. Thus is why they are on the list, they constantly die and are ressurected with the hopes of one day being picked by someone. To be played as and to be loved by...

8. Metal Sonic ----Sonic The Hedgehog Franchise

after two wimpy robot entries its time we get a badass in. Metal Sonic is the most badass thing Dr. Robotnik (aka Eggman whatever.) has ever come up with. A real contender to the velocity of what is Sonic the hedgehog in everyway. However he does surpass the blue blur in one area, cold and violent hate for all life. Shadow is an emo pussy, seriously he is, if you want someone who will get the job done and NEVER switch sides then Metal Sonic is your man. He will kidnap your baby animals, stuff them into adorable killing machines, and laugh the entire time. For goodness sake he turned into a giant robot kaiju version in Sonic Heroes, BY FAR the best part of that game. And no matter what, he never dies for good, his thirst for gamer's sweat and game overs is never quenched and thats why he is a perfect canidate for this list.

7. Cait Sith ---- Final Fantasy 7 (and all its incredibly long list of spin-offs)

(see what i did there, hes number 7 on the list AND HES FROM FF7 LOLOOLOLOLOLOL!!!1!!!111!!!1)

Cait is a two part robot combo of love. The little Cait on top is one part and the giant terrifying Moogle is the other. Do not let this adorable pair fool you however, theyre quite the little bastard. In the words of the great God of Faux news, Bill "lol"riely this is a NO SPOILER ZONE. So dont worry newfags to FF7 i wont spoil anything intricate to the plot. Just know that he is, and he is a little bastard. His weapon almost appears to be a joke, he has a megaphone. No seriously, a megaphone so he can yell at enemies. Think about the speaker power one must possess to cause damage to an enemy! Not only that but he has to tag along with such a ragtag band of losers... The poor guy had his work cut out for him, thank goodness his hardwork ends up saving the entire world *winkwink*

6. Jack Series -- Tekken Franchise

The Jack series are by far the most dedicated, strong, and unstoppable bots on the list. No matter what the number on the tournament, you know as much as Jin will be there so will be a new Jack. Each Jack becomes stronger and stronger with each passing class (Currently we're on Jack-6), including his two prototypes. Jack is a force of robotic nature. The Jacks fight with power equal to a small brigade of tanks and unfortunately move at the same speed. Thus making them easy targets of violence for the speedy. A quicker fighter can make quick work of a single Jack in moments. However, with as many Jacks as there are... I'd like to see them try and take them all down.

5. E-102 Gamma --- Sonic Adventure

I have to be honest with you my wonderfully honey covered reader... Gamma is my favorite character from the Sonic franchise in all. Never had a character been so completed, so deep, and so tragic prior to Gamma. Gamma was a part of the E-100 series of deathbots created by Eggman (Dr. Robotnik) to take on and destroy Sonic the hedgehog and pals. He also was the most combat ready and intelligent of the bunch, beating out his other brother, Beta, and gaining not only a new goal in life but a conscious and a conscience. Eggman decided to give him the task of collecting all the chaos emeralds and a frog with a tail, which he did flawlessly. However a lifeform intervened and pushed that newly developed conscience into doing the right thing, stop his creator and free his brothers. Unlike Gamma, the other E-100's didnt possess the ability to think consciously and only knew how to kill. Thusly Gamma is set to the task of "freeing" his brothers by termination. In the end, he succeeds but is destroyed in the process. Thus making him the most tragic hard working steel soldier. R.I.P Robo-Homie.

4. Tetsujin --Tekken Tag Tournament

Easily the robot on the list with the best memory, Tetsujin puts all martial arts masters to shame. Why? Oh i dont know maybe it has to do with the fact that it knows EVERY FIGHTING STYLE IN THE GAME?! Ok yes, he is a pallete swap to Mokujin, but regardless he is made of metal and has an AI that beats the fuck out of everything it comes into contact with. Sadly just like the Mortal Kombat bots, he can be beat. Some human must have tripped the programming and made him a big random raffle-o-chine of fail. Although Tetsujin possesses knowledge of every move from every fighter, he cannot use them all at once. Per fight, a random fighting style will pop up and cause the tin man to squirm or gloat based on the outcome of the battle. Sometimes a win will be guaranteed, sometimes Tetsujin will have to work for the victory.

3. Megaman --- Megaman Franchise

thats right babies. Megaman. 20 years strong and still kicking every robot who's name ends in -Man. Seriously I'm positive the guys at capcom have a formula (noun or verb)+man x 9 + final boss = new Megaman game! I'm talking classic megaman gaming, i dont know or care much for the spinoffs. Regardless however, Megaman is totally badass. Not only does he save all our puny human asses, but he destroys all his ex-best friends then takes their power and uses it against everyone and everything. Not only does he do that, but he does it every single time Wily decides to act up without so much as a smile. He loads the mega buster, puts the blue helmet on and that blue bomber is out to go kick some fucking bolt. He works hard so we dont have to (...die a painfully miserable death at the hands of Rapeman, Cancerman, or Drownman) worry.

2. Chibi-Robo --Chibi-Robo Series

lookit that suave mofo. I betchu hes listening to something totally fucking hot right now. Like your mom or something. Anyways Chibi-robo is my #2 pick because he is by far the most effiecient on the list so far. He cant complain, hes portable, hes adorable, and he cleans your house for free. Seriously FREE, NO PAYCHECK. All he asks for is a simple outlet to charge his adorable little batteries. Dont worry about tools either, he comes with upgradable options allowing for more tools to get those hard to reach spots all around the house. Not only does he clean better than your average latina house slave, he aids in divorce prevention and toy democracy. Seriously if you havent played Chibi-Robo, go play it now. Its adorable addictive, and the worst part is ITS A GAME ABOUT CLEANING.

and my pick for the #1 most hardworking robot(s) is:

1. Servbot-- Megaman Series

Thats right ladies and ladies, my number one is the legendary pile of adorable Servbot. Yes i know there is more than one, 41 to be exact in Tron Bonne, but 1 servbot could do all the loving, work, and amazing that every other robot on this list could. They are the unsung antiheroes of the Megaman legends games and seriously the only reason to own a copy of Marvel vs. Capcom 2 (i've already written a will so im ready to be burned alive nerds. GIVE ME YOUR BEST SHOT). They are so fucking amazing in fact they made a cameo in Dead Rising, a game about a weak human trying to fight off weak malfunctioning humans, as a Wearable mask. YEAH. you can be a servbot killing the hoard of zombies in a mall. Life doesnt get much better than that. Anyways, Servbots are amazing due to their inability to resist or say no to anything. While it might seem that they are in fact incredibly weak, thats merely a front they put up to protect us from the truth. You see they are compassionate and forgiving. Tron Bonne has a room for torturing Servbots and yet the Servies dont ever even consider tearing her skin cell from skin cell. They just accept their fate and appropriate the right response so they can continue to live happy lives. Seriously if the Servbot armies were to try and take on the world... It would be over so quick we wouldnt even be able to enjoy the curry with 'em.

So does anyone out there agree with this list? Am i batshit crazy? Or batshit stupid? Did this post blow your socks off or just blow you? Let me know please... the robots are watching and i'd really like to keep my brain in my skull where its nice and warm. Thanks.

(B.T.W. i listened to Robot Rock the entire time i wrote this post... had to get into the mood you know ; D )   read

11:14 PM on 02.04.2009

The Hate: SMT RPG Main Characters Deaths

(long blog is long)


(I am only writting on the Shin Megami Tensei titles i have played before, if there are some that are not so hateable please let me know.)

Yeah. that scene look a little familiar to you? If you've ever played any Shin Megami Tensei title. Then yes, this is this should look slightly familiar. For one reason or another the developers behind some of the most dark and sinister titles, thought to make the main character the most important party member in any fight. For those who havent played a SMT title before reading this, if the main character is taken out in battle you instantly recieve a game over.

-No party members can revive you

-No Scape Dolls (for those who have played Phantasy Star Online)

-No mercy. period.

Now yes i understand, the main character is central to the story. But honestly, a developer who understands the easy frustrations of the audience he/she plans to appropriate this to would NEVER have such a devious mechanic.

For instance, before writing this blog i was enjoying myself playing SMT: Nocturne (The video above) battling all kinds of vile creatures. When suddenly i had a random battle between myself (and my party of 3 other formidable demons) against one enemy. My odds are good for victory yes? You better believe it. Now i am a suave cocky mofo who enjoys toying with my enemies much as a cat does with a mouse (can i get an amen?) so instead of just using magic attacks and ending it quickly, i decide to use physical attacks. The attacks dont kill the enemy, as i expected, and it prepares for its own slue of attacks. It recieves two moves, two critical hits, and focused BOTH of those attacks at my main character KILLING HIM INSTANTLY. When i came to (I blacked out from rage overdose) i saw that game over scene. Why singular enemy, why? I had three other fine demons for you to ravage, but you decide to go for my shirtless tatted self.. and ruin my unsaved game up to that point..

...The worst part is... this has happened to me one too many times with all the MegaTen titles i own....

Prior to 2008 i had not much interest in RPGs, then i played FF7 for the first time and my pallet along with my pants were soaked, i had to play more. I quickly snatched up all the different RPGs i could but became especially attached to the MegaTen series due in fact to their unorthodox storylines, suggestive themes, and the Pokemon-esque style of game play. Catch a wild demon, able to use wild demon. I loved it and still do. But Final Fantasy allowed me to revive Cloud if he perished in battle! FF10 even allowed that dork titus to die all the fucking time and i loved it! Then Auron could be more awesome than he already was without this annoying Meg Ryan lookalike stinkin' up the party lineup!

Which brings us to another issue: The lack of switch out on the main character. Persona, nope your character is the leader because youve got a fat head full of personas. SMT: Nocturne, nuh uh even though you have up to 15 demons with you at a time, you cant just call the shots from behind the party lines. pssh no way... Devil summoner, aw kmon its called DEVIL SUMMONER. You should be able to throw out one of those little oni-vials and just let the violence take hold without your puny human character having to get involved. Other party-based ArPeeGees allow for switch out, why do you have to be so different MegaTen? This brings me to three different possible conclusions as to why i continue to come back and play these abusive titles:

- i love to be abused?.... I am a Sonic the FAILhog fan after all..

- I'm not hardcore enough to tell MegaTen that i dont wanna see it anymore?

- Or dispite the pain and anger, MegaTen and I can fight about our differences and have some angry makeup sex?

if you picked the third option, you are correct! Despite our differences such as MegaTen's inability to be kind to me and my main character we always come together and remeber why we're perfect together...

- Its an RPG series that takes on the controversial issues, is chock-full of demons and creatures of mythos, and always keeps me interested. Also Mara (CAUTION: POSSIBLY NSFW)   read

11:52 AM on 02.02.2009

10 things you didnt know i would know about me.

Goddom. So this is the first post ive done in a long time, ive been quite the busy lil luchadore these past few months! School kicked back up, works been a bitch, I got this new thing called "a life" and have been busy trying to figure it out, etc,etc

(Look for my review of Left 4 Dead, Sonic Unleashed, Persona 3 FES, a second hand review of P4, and the reasons why i havent updated with any news on my STH06 conquest)

And i noticed this little fad going on with all my fellow d-toiders, its seems to be sweeping the C-blogs like a strange new strain of airborne virus... So i decided to take a deep breath of it and jump into the madness myself!


1. A year ago i housed over 15 reptiles in my house (i dont breed reptiles). I work for Petco, and a lot of people were dropping off their reptiles. I had an open heart and an one bedroom apartment, so i would decide to take them all in... Sadly however the load became too much and my house became more of a half-way house than a permanent home. Luckly for me i found great homes for most of them and still house 3 of them to myself.

2. I have nearly been killed 5 times. Once when administered the whooping cough vaccine my throat collapsed due to fail. When i was 3 i followed a ball into the pool and nearly drowned. When i was 6 I dehydrated and nearly suffocated in a ball pit at Peter Piper Pizza in Arizona. When i was 14 i decided to jump into a lake with all my clothes on to grab a floating toy for a crying child, my pant leg got caught on a branch and somehow i got dragged under. And when i was 16, i was on a golf course when lighting struck 10 feet away from me. Yeah the reapers scythe aint as sharp as it used to be, lets put it that way.

3. I am a trekker, yep. Judge all you want, but dont hate until youve tried it.

4. I won the surfing pikachu contest out of a nintendo power when i was a kid and thought i was the hottest thing on the planet. Seriously they made me send in my Pokemon Yellow cartridge and gave me a pikachu WHO KNEW SURF! KING KONG AINT GOT SHIT ON ME! Not only did it know surf, but it gave me access to this secret little minigame in this beach house. I played the fuck out of that minigame. Eventually everybody got it due to Pokemon Stadium, but lemme tell you- being able to brag about that shit during the heat of the pokemon phenom. Absolutely amazing.

5. I've wanted to be: a cop, a paleontologist, a cartoonist, a writter, a director, an actor, a socio-cultural anthropologist, a psychologist, a video game director, and a wildlife conservationist.. and that was all just last week. AND I WILL BE THEM ALL!

6. I've been in several short films for my friend who is attempting to get into Cal-Arts. I pray my terrible acting isnt the one thing that stops him from getting in. (they are on the youtubes but im not sure if i want to post them here)

7. I am a huge Godzilla fan. Seriously if i had the money i would collect Kaiju shit, but the toy companies jack that shit up! I cant afford $90 for some 12 in vinyl figurine that looks like something sold at KB Toys! But something about the terrible acting, rubber suits, and predictable storylines just gets me all hot and bothered under the collar..

8. I used to know every line in Jurassic Park by heart. Seriously, i could be anywhere and just start reciting it from beginning to end. It was disgusting, i used to watch that movie at least 5x a week when i was 12.

9. Despite my love of the Pokemon franchise, i still have yet to ever completely fill out a pokedex. I know i fail at life...

10. I have an unhealthy love for all things grotesque. Mostly the skeleton. Human skeletons, animal skeletons, supernatural creature skeletons, you name it (yes even exoskeletons) I am infatuated with it. Dont know quite why but i have been my whole life!

So there you go, 10 things you didnt know about me or already did and now wonder why did i even care to open this blog and read this boring shit... I love run on sentances..   read

9:06 PM on 11.03.2008

First Blog: Dead.Space: is it Issac or Isaac? im too lazy..

After finishing Dead Space, i realized why i loved it so much: the horror was grand, the violence was blissful, and to top it all off Isaac was actually a guy whom i could relate to. However i did find a few things to be a bit well, annoying as all get out, which i will go into with deep detail. Anyhoo onward to the my first blog and first review...

Oh yeah and there will probably be some SPOILERS so be careful where you tread young reader.

Lets begin with the best parts of the game:

Easily Dead Space is an amazing survival horror. It has all the right makes of one:

-eerie atmosphere with a peppering of clostrophobia in certain areas.

-intelligent enemies who will stop at nothing to kill you (in interesting ways mind you), in which a simple headshot will not suffice.

-an interesting interface with a unique sense of style not yet seen in the genre.

-a good storyline that breaks the "codes" of some horror genre stereo-types, but embraces others.

-and of course, scarce weapons/ammo/health items in accordance with the overdose of enemies waiting to catch your lead with their faces (or in this case appendages)

Now that we've got the sweet sugar, lets pour some anger onto it.

one of my biggest issues with Dead Space was the quarantine rooms. To me they seemed to be just simple filler/ life ruiners. For example, after the USG Valor crashes into the Ishimura and you run into your first set of "tweakers" (they're those fast ones, i dunno they seemed like speed addicts to me), the game becomes a frustration fest. These fast buggers make life near impossible in the quarantine rooms, i mean can i get an amen from anyone who tried the game on med/hard? A room filled up with those damned preggers, sabertoothed scorpions, and those fetus freaks is tough enough. BUT NO!! lets make it a tad bit more problematic with these twitchy junkies thrown into the mixer with you. it should be a fun time had by all!! : D WRONG. OH SO WRONG. But still these rooms could have been done without i mean seriously, after the first few i was so done with these damn quarantine lockdowns. but they follow all the way to the last damned chapter. fheck.

Another thing i found to be a bit on the annoying, was how everyone in the game made poor Issac do everything. Oh excuse me, i guess he didnt have to open EVERY door or pull back a ship. CZJ (Cosmic Zombie Jew) forbid Issac would have to flip a switch or two. But seriously it was one fetch quest after another followed by a trip on the tram then the same thing again. I'm all about fetching crud for a while.. But I would rather be telling myself to get it, not some lazy bitch behind a computer or at least feel more rewarded for doing so.

Oh and the darker necromorphs, yeah they suck at life.

But other than those small things, i must say i enjoyed the game throughly.. Too bad for EA cuz i want Animal Crossing: City Folk so bad i traded it for credit. I'm an addict and i need halp.

oh and one mooore thing.. as i said in the title this is my post, so:

if it sucks- my bad, i'll try harder next time.

If it rocked your socks- my bad, i'll try harder next time.   read

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