I am totally hardcore. I am more hardcore than you and your face. I am named Jordan. I am a guy. I am 21 years of age. I live in the place one might call Australia. I have a crappy journalism degree and I cant get a job!
When people see me on the street they all say “Wow, isn’t he hardcore!” How hardcore is that? Pretty hardcore, you might say. Well, that’s just the beginning of my corehardiness.
I once shat a Gameboy. I discovered penecillin. I once made a Link costume out of cardboard and then posted it on the internet (but that latter part wasn’t my idea)! I tell people stories about Shigeru Miyamoto. I play way too much Warcraft. I like shorts, they are comfy and easy to wear! I played MGS2 on European Extreme once. I have a Megaman 2 ringtone. I hate EA. I own a Nintendo Power T-Shirt. I once was talked like Strongbad for so long my larynx collapsed. I like complaining. I like writing. I like writing and complaining. I like writing and complaining on Destructoid. I have a dog with a fluffy tail. I think that it is politically correct and justified to call midgets "fun-size". I am addicted to cola. I am kept up at night by dreams of cats in top hats. I think that BF1942 is the best game ever. I can reticulate splines, whatever they are. I can jump; 1, 2, 3! I like movies but I hate TV. I think the internet is better than sliced bread. I have a friend whose girlfriend maxed the score on Lumines!
I am totally hardcore.
Be my friend
Wii: Fuck that shit.
With trembling hands I fed the CD-ROM into my computer. The disc tray hungrily retreated back within its plasticised orifice. A light flashed with anticipation as a low mechanical hum began to build. Louder, faster, the noise began to reach a piercing crescendo as the disc threshed inside its prison. The hard drive growled metallically in unison. I gazed deeply at the hourglass, turning end on end on end, listening to the mounting electronic symphony being orchestrated before me.
Green and black filled the screen and EVAâ€™s voice graced my ears for the first time. Minutes later, I was carving a slew through GDI forces, a grin on my face and joy in my eyes. And then it happened. The moment.
It was around the third mission. Seth was calling the shots on behalf of Kane. But Seth decided not to listen to Kane. So Kane walked in and fucking shot him.
The coolness of it all sent me into paroxysms of pleasure. That simple moment was my
moment of zen. That single moment was the start of my love of gaming. The start of the entire affair.
It was Command & Conquer. A game which reinvented, cemented and popularised an entire genre. But for me, this game started it all. Playing it was like an epiphany, a life changing moment. And really, I can hardly think of a better title to do it.
Now, C&C was not the first game I ever played. I was well versed with the likes of Dune 2, Wolfenstein and Mechwarrior, all classics and excellent games of the day. But C&C was the first game I ever bought and the first game I truly loved. There were many reasons I loved this game, many reasons why I spent so many hours with it and many reasons why it is still on my computer today. In the interest of keeping things succinct, Iâ€™ll just mention a few.
Firstly, you play as yourself. You are directly addressed as commander. There is no crummy guise to assume. The choices you make are yours.
Secondly, the near future setting was incredibly well handled. It wasnâ€™t too abstracted from modern war, yet fantastic enough to include some of the coolest units in RTS history. The story was excellent too. The appearance of a mysterious new resource leading to an all out war between the affluent West (GDI) and the downtrodden Rest (NOD) was very compelling and well worth completing for the two alternate endings. The two factions differed not only in units and play style, but on moral standpoints as well. GDI relied on superior technology and shock and awe tactics. The possessed a defensive play style synonymous with the slow moving yet outlandishly powerful Mammoth Tank. NOD, followers of something akin both to a cult and a political dogma, tended to be ruthless but secretive and subtle in their means, relying on hit and run tactics and surprise. NODâ€™s charismatic leader, Kane, has also gone on to become one of the greatest characters in gaming.
And lastly, the atmosphere throughout C&C was undeniable. Everything about the game felt serious, intense and realistic. Sound, graphics and gameplay combined to really bring gravity to everything that occurred in the story. Even the menus feel gritty and dark. The live action cutscenes gave faces to the situations while the CGI segments kept things interesting. Additionally, the gameâ€™s soundtrack is absolutely sublime.
But there are other reasons this game makes me feel so nostalgic.
It reminds me of a time when I could truly appreciate games, when I could take what I was given and be happy. When I could enjoy the simple things and re-enjoy them time and time again. Things never seemed to get old. I remember C&C through this golden lens, a lens which could possibly even skew my perceptions. Perhaps if I played the game again with my older, more jaded attitude I wouldnâ€™t quite appreciate C&C as much as I do now. But I am hesitant to take that chance and destroy what is one of my greatest childhood loves.
And from this humble beginning, the rest is history.
Oh yeah. And seeing as you are here I would just like to add that EA can take their damn sequels and aliens and robots and screw right off.
Australia may well be on the arse end of the world, but it shouldnt mean that Aussie gamers should have to put up with so much shit. 'What shit?' you may ask. Well, shit indeed, good sir.
Censored Games What better place to start than the fact that Australians arent responsible enough to play uncensored videogames. Whereas almost every other nation in the world (including the recent addition of New Zealand) has an R18+ rating for games, the bureaucrats over here insist that a similar move would lead to widespread mayhem and destruction. Just such a dangerous and malicious piece of software could fall into the hands of someones little Snowflake and cause them to transform into a drug-dealer, murderer or pre-teen prostitute.
The most recent game that reignited this old debate was Grand Theft Auto IV.
Today on Kotaku, a reader known only as 'Mick' compared the two editions of GTA. This is what he wrote: "Firstly, when picking up a hooker in the Australian version you'll notice that you're unable to select your services (i.e. hand job, blowjob or standard intercourse) and the sex animations for these services have been completely removed. Secondly, in the Australian version no blood pools appear beneath a dead person after shooting or stabbing them to death. Although there are blood splatters, there are no blood pools. Finally, when Niko or other NPCs are injured in the uncut version light blood patches appear on their bodies which basically represent bruises/bullet wounds. Although the changes to the sex scenes come as no surprise one must wonder why Rockstar censored blood pools and body injuries. These elements are present in numerous other games which have been released totally uncut in Australia."
GTA was one of the lucky games, where the developer was willing and rich enough to distribute a "special" edition. Otherwise it simply would not be released. And with region locking on many consoles, that fundamentally means no game for you. They may only be minor changes, but they detract from the greater experience of the game. So censors can fuck right off.
Delayed Release Dates
Nintendo released Super Smash Bros. Brawl on 10 February 2008. Over four months later, residents of Europe and Australasia are still waiting. The senior marketing director of Ninendo Europe, Laurent Fischer, recently blamed the Smash Brothers delay on the sheer amount of titles Nintendo is currently producing for Europe, and the problem with localising up to six different languages, according to the Official Nintendo Magazine.
Pikachu still says 'Pikachu' in fucking German and surely it has nothing to do with titles currently in production, seeing as Brawl is largely done and dusted. Delays in manufacturing and shipping enough titles, perhaps. But not those reasons, please. The Europeans get this pathetic excuse for a five month wait. Australians get none whatsoever. Language and a backlog of titles can hardly be a just reason in our case. And what do we get for our troubles? An on time release date of Mario Kart. Proving that worldwide simultaneous release can be done.
Australian internet is seriously sucky compared to the world standard. OECD data shows a marked disparity in pricing, performance and data allowances between Australia and the rest of the developed world. An article published last year in The Age shows just how big a difference this is.
In Paris, $50 buys a 24 Mb/s connection with unlimited downloads and unlimited VoIP. Japanese customers pay $45 a month for more than 50 Mb/s with unlimited downloads. Telstra Bigpond's $49.95 ADSL plan is a 1.5 Mb/s connection with a mere 400 MB of downloads.... There's a complicated formula behind the price of data transfer in Australia, but it boils down to three things: structural problems in the industry; demand outstripping supply; and technical limitations such as the Pacific bottleneck.
Not only do we get shitty slow internets, we also pay through the ass to get what little we do.
The Australian dollar currently equals about 96 US Cents. We pay AUD $99.95 on average for a new game. Americans pay USD $59.95 on average for a new game. We are shortchanged almost $40 for a piece of software. This is utter fucking bullshit. Shipping costs be damned. Or to put it succintly:
Hard Hitting Journalism
Australia is just about the crummiest developed nation to game in. It appears that the Government really has no plans to change this either, apart from some token broadband promises here and there that are unlikely to come to fruition. You might want to have pity on your Aussie cousins. But perhaps there are some benefits to being on the arse end of the world after all.
Tags are more than a mere alias. They embody the emancipating ability of cyberspace, a casting away of the shackles of reality, a ‘you’ simplified, self-engineered and passed through the scope of the internet. Or I could be reading into it a bit too much.
I’m reasonably sure there would have been a thread on the forums pertaining to this question but seeing as a quick search yielded nothing, I’m going to take the liberty of asking it myself.
How did you come to use your current internet alias and why is it you would use this particular combination of letters and/or digits to describe yourself?
I’m sure there are some interesting stories behind these names, but nevertheless, I’ll give you mine as a primer. But as a warning, my personal story is rife with suck. Basically, I stole my name from a maths book about four years ago. One might say that it is ironic or even self-deprecatory seeing as I am kind of mathematically retarded. In all seriousness, I just thought it sounded cool at the time and now I guess I’m kind of stuck with it. The capitalized ‘g’ at the end of the name is something I stole from a friend in order to pay him out, but that too became part of my name over time (although it did serve the secondary purpose of separating myself from the squillions of other trigs out there).
That particular explanation is one of the better ones. I looked up 'trig' in the dictionary and was confonted by a wall of lame.
1. neat, trim, smart, or spruce.
2. in good physical condition; sound; well.
3. to support or prop, as with a wedge.
At least I didnt name myself out of a fondness for wedges. Mmm. Wedges.
Bah, whatever. I find the longer I keep it, the more attached I get to it, even though I think it may be time for a change.
I happened across a particular game cover on 1UP's Hey Covers, You Suck.
Since I saw it, I havent been able to get it out of my head.
Ive lain awake at night, unable to sleep, the image plaguing my mind.
Restless I would toss, trying to decipher some meaning, some semblance of sanity in the madness that was this paticular cover.
Those two words etched upon formed an unholy union, breeding some kind of nightmare, some kind of Lovecraftian horror whose tentacles now were latched firmly around my brain.
It was pure, indescribable, evil.
An evil which never should have seen the light of day.
An evil which is now being propagated through a series of tubes.
Is it the stick that is irritating? Is the stick irritating or does it innately irritate those around? Is it irritating you right now? Is it the cover that is irritating, or the stick? How exactly does the stick irritate? Does it only irritae you because you dont know what exactly this stick does? But what if there is some underlying irritating caused by the stick? Have you ever been so irritated by a stick before? Is it just a stick? What kind of stick is it? Why should a stick deserve to be shrouded in so much mystery?Is it the stick that is irritating? Is the stick irritating or does it innately irritate those around? Is it irritating you right now? Is it the cover that is irritating, or the stick? How exactly does the stick irritate? Does it only irritae you because you dont know what exactly this stick does? But what if there is some underlying irritating caused by the stick? Have you ever been so irritated by a stick before? Is it just a stick? What kind of stick is it? Why should a stick deserve to be shrouded in so much mystery?Is it the stick that is irritating? Is the stick irritating or does it innately irritate those around? Is it irritating you right now? Is it the cover that is irritating, or the stick? How exactly does the stick irritate? Does it only irritae you because you dont know what exactly this stick does? But what if there is some underlying irritating caused by the stick? Have you ever been so irritated by a stick before? Is it just a stick? What kind of stick is it? Why should a stick deserve to be shrouded in so much mystery?Is it the stick that is irritating? Is the stick irritating or does it innately irritate those around? Is it irritating you right now? Is it the cover that is irritating, or the stick? How exactly does the stick irritate? Does it only irritae you because you dont know what exactly this stick does? But what if there is some underlying irritating caused by the stick? Have you ever been so irritated by a stick before? Is it just a stick? What kind of stick is it? Why should a stick deserve to be shrouded in so much mystery?