I am tonicmole, the prince of unicorns. Straight unicorns.....that breath fire and crap rainbows of destruction, like in the bible. They also feast on the souls of fire imps and pee on them....with fire. They constantly sing a wonderous song about the dangers of premarital sex, and how the danger is what makes it fun. I ride them to the top of Mount Airious where I cry to the god of good feelings known as The Southern Dandy to show me the way to the Happy Land. He replies, "All you have to do is believe in the magic of imagination." I then track his voice through the clouds and harpoon him in the face. As the god plummets from the sky he cries out, "Why!?" and I reply, "Because I am god damn tonicmole!" I then pee on him.
What is addiction? Traditionally it is linked to one's willingness to suck stranger penis to continue their desired habit, or shanking their grandmother for $3 in quarters. The reality is that addiction can extend far beyond simple chemical addiction. This is due to the fact that the human mind is fueled by internal chemicals which can be stimulated by doing all manner of activities, which in turn can lead to a internal chemical addiction. This combined with human's natural tendency to become focused towards one single activity can easily lead to many types of addiction. An example could be adrinaline junkies or Tiger Woods boning porn stars.
In my case it is Video Games. I play them constantly and when I'm not playing them I'm thinking about them. Now, Video game addiction isn't inherently bad. The fact is that most people are addicted to something. Sometimes it's things like watching movies, playing sports, or violent masturbation, all of which are fine addictions. The only time an addiction is truly BAD is when it makes you feel bad or guilty. I for example love art and writing and performing music, but have found games take up far more of my time then music and art. It also many times makes me feel like I'm wasting my life staring at a TV. Not that gaming has been a total waste. I have learned through game modding how games work and how to possibly make games in the future. I have also recognized how reality mirrors man made game worlds, and noticed the rare chance for us to realize how our own reality may be nothing but energy trapped with in the circuits of time and space. We are no more real then a complex construct of "The Sims".
Ironically, the only gaming I did as a child was at friends houses and I admittedly was not all that fond gaming back then. My first console was a NES when I was 14. That was in 1995. I only owned two games. ALIEN 3 and BATMAN RETURNS. Both these games where actually released for both the NES and SNES at the same time, the NES version sucking far more. Not until I graduated highschool in 1999 did I have a modern gaming machine. My girl friend bought me a PS 1, and Resident Evil. Even then I only occasionally played. Not until the release of the Gamecube did I begin to really focus on gaming. At this point I was 22 years old and decided to settle down to some extent, and found games were a much more convenient hobby versus rampant drug use. Once the current gen came I was knee deep in playing games every day for several hours. Sometimes staying up until five or six in the morning. Fast forward to now. I am 29 years old.
I don't blame games for my lack of productivity, and I'm not saying that they damaged my life, but I do know I need to control it before I find myself on my death bed wishing I had lived in the real world more then that of the D.C. Wasteland.
In conclusion, be careful out there, and if you ever find yourself taking a ding dong in your pooper for a 1600 MS point card, then you might want to evaluate your life.
I have come to realize that I have been selfish to all my many rabid fans out there. I know that you want more of me. You want to know the ends and outs of my complex and fertile mind. You wake up in the middle of the night from night terrors violently thrashing about on your urine soaked plastic sheets and think to yourself, "Who is tonicmole!?"
WELL TODAY IS YOUR LUCKY DAY ASS FACE!!!
Part One: Audrey Hepburn
Audrey Hepburn is probably one of the peachiest keen chicks to exist. If I had a cloning machine like in my favorite movie "Multiplicity" staring non other then The Batman, I'd clone her and genetically alter her to be attracted to men far, far, beneath her in social status and all around hygiene and appearance.
Part Two: Boobs!
I don't think I'm a pervert, but I do love breasteses to an unatural and almost vomit inducing degree. In fact I'd say everything I do can be traced back to a boob or two. (Note to self: Audrey clone needs more boob.)
Part Three: Two Parts Crazy
A tangerine once told me to cover myself in peanut butter and put a shampoo bottle in my pooper. I decided at that point the tangerine was completley insane so I ate it so it would shut it's fat, fat butt face. It's screams haunt me at night when I masturbate.....I mean......do really cool stuff.
Part Four: Me!
I am the most important part of myself. I draw and write comics, love sunsets, fine wines, long walks on the beach, and pooping in jars. I am the worlds first fully functioning homicidal artist! I make art until someone dies. Most likely me.
You ever wake up only to realize that at 2 AM the night/morning before you had went on a f' bomb laced rant over how much the Wii sucks Donkey penis? Do you then find yourself rubbing butter on your nipples out of uncontrolled rage, or find yourself relentlessly fighting in the name of some game or console due to some insane bi-polar blood lust?
Have you ever posted on a game developers forum about how much you'd like to rape them with the art book that came with your 'Super Special Edition Collectors Pre-Order Box Set' because your game save got corrupted after 157 hours of gameplay? Did you continue to belittle their attempt at living? Did you then draw a picture of you murdering their family while they watched wearing nothing but a Bologna hat and a boner? Then you just might be an XTREME GAMER!!!!!!
As an XTREME GAMER your opinion is not only loud, but pointless. Ironically, sometimes a developer listens to your squeeky wheel and watches their beloved franchise explode into a burst of ass flames.
The only thing that XTREME GAMERS hate more then being ignored, is being listened to. They single handedly demanded the creation of the 2D retro Sonic 4. Now understand that Sega has had butt loads of success with 3D Sonic games via children who have no taste, but they took time out to focus on a game for 45 year old 'possible pediphiles', who wish that they didn't have to run over kittens to sustain an erection. The retro perverts replied in a gargled rant, "Fark you! This ain't Sonic 2!?" Fortunatly most haters ejaculated out of rage and are gently spasming on a bed of pizza boxes and "Thats so Raven" photoshop porn.
If you ever find out that you or a friend are in fact an XTREME GAMER who is riddled with guilt after calling Peter Molyhoo a fetus fart, and are also unable to commit suicide via Autoerotic asphyxiation, despite repeated attempts via 'flexability', then know this.
Game developers are bloody ass farts. They have little to no feelings. This is why they burn themselves with Vanilla flavoured Swisher Sweet cigars. To feel. Usually they have to pay for this much sexy abuse, so in a way you are lovers. XTREME GAMERS and fetish game developers pleasuring each other through rude comments. Every time Cliffy B reads those sweet sweet words, "Cliffy B is a jackoff!!" He softly orgasms while crying.......tears of joy.
"Guhhhhhhh!!!! It feels so good to be hated!!!! Ooops I farted....but it feels good!!!"
Ninja Theory, best known for it's less then successful Heavenly Sword PS 3 exclusive gave the world a second taste of their unique style of uber game story telling with Enslaved: Odyssey to the West. Now, Heavenly Sword wasn't a total bomb. It sold okay, and reviewed fairly well, but failed to live up to the expectations of Sony. I personally felt Heavenly Sword was an amazing example of how much a game could make you care about the characters. It's gameplay was fun and diverse, but the developer Ninja Theory failed to focus on aspects of the game that many take for granted. Two aspects to be specific. Replayability, and online connectivity.
Many games have succeeded without online multiplayer. Fallout 3, Assassins Creed 1, and 2, and Bioshock to name a few, but all these game also have massive amounts of gameplay and replayability. Twenty plus hours of fun wrapped in cinimatic story telling and pervasive style. Which leads us to Enslaved.
The game, much like Heavenly Sword, is submerged in style and by far one of the most beautiful games to look at. The characters seem to be alive and emote real emotion. As the story unfolds you find yourself engrossed in the fate of Monkey and Trip. These are characters that legends are made of. The problem is once you play through the eight or nine hour story it's over, and I mean over. No unlockable costumes, or secret rooms. No extra modes or survival battles. No alternate endings or secondary paths. No leaderboards, hidden items, or exploration. There are these masks that you can find which show you a photo of a wheat field or office building, but finding them gives no greater understanding of the story then what the ending of the game gives you. Other then the achievment for finding them they are pointless. You can find orbs to level up Monkey, but there is really no point in doing so except to get another achievment.
Many have already been squealing about how people aren't giving Enslaved a chance and getting Call of Duty instead, as if Call of Duty is some how a lesser game. The fact is Ninja Theory knew damn well that Heavenly Sword's failure was due to the lack of gameplay, yet they made every single mistake over again and now act surprised that the game fails to sale. The reason that Call of Duty, and Fallout, out sell Enslaved is because they are better games. To suggest that Ninja Theory gets a pass because of facial mocap is insane. Both Fallout, and Call of Duty have deep engrossing and socially important stories, and are no less artistic the Enslaved. They also provide 50-300 hours of gameplay. Call of Duty does so through online multiplayer, while Fallout does so by being fuck'n huge. All three games are $60.
Now, understand I love both Heavenly Sword and Enslaved. Both are amazing feats of video game story telling, but Ninja Theories' self rightious behaviour in believing they are somehow excluded from the work every other developer must do to succeed is stupid. They are making video games. Thats the business. They could have easily added a battle arena, coop play or at least a few unlockable costumes, but they believed they were better then that. It would have literally taken a week or two to throw together some extra costumes (other then the pre-order dlc). This would have given reason to continue playing. It would have been nothing to add a score system for online leaderboards. They even could have taken areas out of the game and created an arcade like battle mode, but they did not. Instead they give you a game that is short, even for an action game, which can be casually beaten in three days, and returned. They then ask for ten more dollars to play as the fat nasty dude (Pigsey's Perfect 10 DLC)......I don't think so.
To succeed Ninja Theory will have to understand that they are not so great that the rules no longer apply to them. The fact is that they have released two games and both have failed. Time to check your ego and stop blaming FPS games. These games fail because they are only slightly more then a tech demo with a great story. In the end maybe Ninja Theory should focus on making CG movies, because games are not just eight hour DVD's. Thats why they are $60. They should be no less then twenty hours of entertainment. I'm the most artsy fartsy person you'll find, but nothing Ninja Theory does, makes them better then anyone else.
I hope Ninja Theory's 'Devil May Cry' corrects these problems because I love their games once they are used for $19.99, but if it fails for the same reasons as Enslaved and Heavenly Sword then piss on'em. I will not shed a tear for a developer who does nothing to correct it's obvious short comings out of sheer stupidity. It's better to have a shitty boat then half of a good one. Ninja Theory is half of a beautiful boat, and it's sinking.
Since the first mention of Downloadable content gamers have been in pant wetting fear of the horrible possibilities of abuse which could take place, and many have been split by what is and is not abuse. Most agree EA's use of Cheats as DLC is not at all cool, but no one seems to be able to agree on what is fair. All in all I believe developers have rarely used DLC for evil and in most cases such as GTA, Fallout, Burnout, and Assassins Creed DLC has been used to greatly expand the life of our favorite games....BUT!!
Fable 3, like many games now days, was released with DLC ready to go. Nothing all that fancy, but the promise was that much more would follow. Any one who purchased the first day DLC no doubt noticed the lightening fast download, which means that the content was already on the disc. Now, admittedly it would be absurd to not place day one content on the disc. We all know it's ready to go prior to release. It's more convenient. So, not doing so would be a pointless PR move, but then a week later more DLC was released, which was also already on the disc. The problem is that it was content that the gamer should expect in the $60 game purchase. 160 MS points to UNLOCK the color Black?! Seriously?! Okay, so we give them a break. Let this one slide. Just recently Lionshead released their first DLC missions......the problem is, not only was all the content all ready on the disc, but it was noticeably locked out of the disc based game. So, once again your paying 400 MS points to UNLOCK content already on the disc.
This leaves a nagging issue. What does the gamer deserve? The answer? They deserve to feel like they have not been taken advantage of. I never questioned buying content for games like Oblivion, Fallout, or GTA. These games provide hundreds of hours of amazing gameplay. It is more then fair to ask for more money, for more game. To be fair games of this size should cost more then $60. I played Oblivion for 400 hours!!! Thats 12.5 Bayonetta's!!! Fable 3 on the other hand, was not bad, but it wasn't what was promised on the case. It was 20 hours of descent RPG. Nothing more nothing less. Much like Fable 1 and 2, it was full of possibilities......that go unrealized in the end. So do something like forcing the fans to pay to unlock disc based content is at least Questionable.
I personally love DLC and believe that it has revolutionized the way we play far more then 3D TV's or motion controls. I also believe that our fear of abuse was irrational in most regards due to the reality of competitive market place. Screwing your customers is never wise, but there is certainly some grey area's.
So, what do you think? Is disk based DLC unlock keys crossing the line? Where is the line? What is the line?
To most of the world the mid 1980's is best known for mankinds first walk on the moon, but to gamers it will forever be hailed as the beginning of modern video games. Through out the 1930's and 40's Japan had secretly began developing the Super Fun Time Death Box. The problem being that it ended up being more fun and less death. Though admittedly very boxish, it failed to beat out it's main competitor the A-Bomb. It's existence only became known IN 1984 with the release of the 'Nintendo Entertainment System'. Best remembered for it's smash hit, 'Jumping Italian Pedophile', which was renamed 'Super Mario Brothers'.
A long line of consoles followed, some of which were considered 'gay', while others, not so much. Most note worthy being the Sega Genisis. Though it's main mascot was less racist then the beloved Mario Mario Italian stereotype, Sonic the Hedgehog delighted young and old alike with his unique style running and dying. Despite all this progress, it wasn't until the turn of the century that breasts were depicted accurately enough to masturbate to, which confirmed gaming as a main stay in the human experiance forever.