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1:12 PM on 07.19.2011

Technology is for Loser's

When Adolf Hitler invented the computer in 1792, I doubt he could of ever imagined the chaos that would ensue. From the time flux implosion of 1837, all the way to the 'Crisis of a Couple of Earths', technologies scar on humanity has been deep and pulsating. Fast forward to present day Earth beta, and many have found unravaling the twisted timeline since the '1954 Grand Prix through Time' disaster, almost impossible. Compound that with the now forgotten Playstation 3 time paradox which rearanged history as we know it due to it's awesome cell prossessor, and you start to wonder if it's all still worth it. My answer. Angry Birds.



Confused? Of course you are. It's a god damn time line paradox. Who butt-ass do you think you are? "Oh, I can read stuff on the Intranet, there for I understand the time paradox which is Angry Birds." Boulder-dash. You are nothing ,but a fool. You probably don't even know that armadillo's are originally from the moon........in the future. Yeah, suck that one down. In 25 million years the Earth is called the Moon, and the Moon is called the Chicken. That's where a peaceful race of armored people known as the Dillo's will rule The Chicken with love and understanding. Well, up until a lone Mayan Priest jumped through a polar warp vortex in North Dakota to recruit them in a war against the Spanish.....which they lost like crazy. Rolling up into a ball and being ran over by a semi seems to be the crapiest tactic since inner pant urination.



In conclusion. Though a great price has been paid for our mastery of iPhone apps, I think we can all hug each other while descretely pressing our genitals together and agree that we don't really give a poop stick about the stack of bodies and rewritten histories our actions have generated because that would be gay. (Note: With in the alternate time line designated E-233-5, the word 'Gay' has nothing to do with one's boner. Instead it is often used in place of retarded and sometimes it is even used as an adjective to retard. As in "That guy is a gay retard." Retard on the other hand means homosexual. Homosexual means Funnel Cake, which is the ONLY reason to risk being raped and murdered at a county fair. It's crazy good, but makes fat people even fatter, which is gross.)

  read


9:03 AM on 12.17.2010

Nothing is Impossible if you believe!!!



Through out the splipherindiferious land of Intranet you'll hear the wise and confident comment of "Thats impossible stupid head!" more then a few times. Who are these wise maidens of truth and victors over knowledge? We may never know where xxxgangbusta1435xxx get's his/her massive ass piercing brain power, though I assume that when their mind came into existance a small piece of time and space twisted within it's self like a dog hiding it's tail or a naked wrestler withdrawing his junk into his chest cavity. Despite all the knowledge held within their collective super meat calculators they somehow have missed one important nutt of knowledge!!

NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE!!!!



Now, I say this, because earlier I wasn't masturbating. Instead I became curious if there was a way to convert a PS 3 game save to a Xbox 360. Suprisingly I found others asking the same question, only to be mocked and reticuled for being so stupid. "PS 3 is totally different then the Xbox 360. you are a queer!" These type comments went on forever.



The irony is that it is possible......ish. All you would need is a converter. All the information is there, it just needs to be changed....and stuff. You could also play Xbox 360 games on a PS 3, if you made an emulator that ran on the PS 3......These are not new ideas, it's just that some people are jerk offs. These are the same people who said going to the Moon was impossible and the female orgasm was just a rumor started by the evil female agenda to waste man's killing time.



I'm not saying any of this is legal, but who really cares? Legal, schmegial! We are the kings and queens of this world we live in!! "I AM THE LIZARD KING AND I CAN DO ANYTHING!!!!"



Computer code is a WHORE. It will literally do anything you want. B.J. with a pinky in the pooper? DONE!! I mean anything. So before you go strut'n the meat wad between your ear holes by spreading your opinion to other humans, kill yourself.   read


10:29 PM on 12.05.2010

Video game addiction and you!

What is addiction? Traditionally it is linked to one's willingness to suck stranger penis to continue their desired habit, or shanking their grandmother for $3 in quarters. The reality is that addiction can extend far beyond simple chemical addiction. This is due to the fact that the human mind is fueled by internal chemicals which can be stimulated by doing all manner of activities, which in turn can lead to a internal chemical addiction. This combined with human's natural tendency to become focused towards one single activity can easily lead to many types of addiction. An example could be adrinaline junkies or Tiger Woods boning porn stars.



In my case it is Video Games. I play them constantly and when I'm not playing them I'm thinking about them. Now, Video game addiction isn't inherently bad. The fact is that most people are addicted to something. Sometimes it's things like watching movies, playing sports, or violent masturbation, all of which are fine addictions. The only time an addiction is truly BAD is when it makes you feel bad or guilty. I for example love art and writing and performing music, but have found games take up far more of my time then music and art. It also many times makes me feel like I'm wasting my life staring at a TV. Not that gaming has been a total waste. I have learned through game modding how games work and how to possibly make games in the future. I have also recognized how reality mirrors man made game worlds, and noticed the rare chance for us to realize how our own reality may be nothing but energy trapped with in the circuits of time and space. We are no more real then a complex construct of "The Sims".



Ironically, the only gaming I did as a child was at friends houses and I admittedly was not all that fond gaming back then. My first console was a NES when I was 14. That was in 1995. I only owned two games. ALIEN 3 and BATMAN RETURNS. Both these games where actually released for both the NES and SNES at the same time, the NES version sucking far more. Not until I graduated highschool in 1999 did I have a modern gaming machine. My girl friend bought me a PS 1, and Resident Evil. Even then I only occasionally played. Not until the release of the Gamecube did I begin to really focus on gaming. At this point I was 22 years old and decided to settle down to some extent, and found games were a much more convenient hobby versus rampant drug use. Once the current gen came I was knee deep in playing games every day for several hours. Sometimes staying up until five or six in the morning. Fast forward to now. I am 29 years old.



I don't blame games for my lack of productivity, and I'm not saying that they damaged my life, but I do know I need to control it before I find myself on my death bed wishing I had lived in the real world more then that of the D.C. Wasteland.

In conclusion, be careful out there, and if you ever find yourself taking a ding dong in your pooper for a 1600 MS point card, then you might want to evaluate your life.   read


4:39 PM on 12.02.2010

Tonicmole is Super-Keen!

I have come to realize that I have been selfish to all my many rabid fans out there. I know that you want more of me. You want to know the ends and outs of my complex and fertile mind. You wake up in the middle of the night from night terrors violently thrashing about on your urine soaked plastic sheets and think to yourself, "Who is tonicmole!?"

WELL TODAY IS YOUR LUCKY DAY ASS FACE!!!

Part One: Audrey Hepburn



Audrey Hepburn is probably one of the peachiest keen chicks to exist. If I had a cloning machine like in my favorite movie "Multiplicity" staring non other then The Batman, I'd clone her and genetically alter her to be attracted to men far, far, beneath her in social status and all around hygiene and appearance.



Part Two: Boobs!

I don't think I'm a pervert, but I do love breasteses to an unatural and almost vomit inducing degree. In fact I'd say everything I do can be traced back to a boob or two. (Note to self: Audrey clone needs more boob.)



Part Three: Two Parts Crazy

A tangerine once told me to cover myself in peanut butter and put a shampoo bottle in my pooper. I decided at that point the tangerine was completley insane so I ate it so it would shut it's fat, fat butt face. It's screams haunt me at night when I masturbate.....I mean......do really cool stuff.




Part Four: Me!

I am the most important part of myself. I draw and write comics, love sunsets, fine wines, long walks on the beach, and pooping in jars. I am the worlds first fully functioning homicidal artist! I make art until someone dies. Most likely me.   read


4:01 PM on 11.29.2010

WE HATE EVERYTHING!



You ever wake up only to realize that at 2 AM the night/morning before you had went on a f' bomb laced rant over how much the Wii sucks Donkey penis? Do you then find yourself rubbing butter on your nipples out of uncontrolled rage, or find yourself relentlessly fighting in the name of some game or console due to some insane bi-polar blood lust?

Have you ever posted on a game developers forum about how much you'd like to rape them with the art book that came with your 'Super Special Edition Collectors Pre-Order Box Set' because your game save got corrupted after 157 hours of gameplay? Did you continue to belittle their attempt at living? Did you then draw a picture of you murdering their family while they watched wearing nothing but a Bologna hat and a boner? Then you just might be an XTREME GAMER!!!!!!

As an XTREME GAMER your opinion is not only loud, but pointless. Ironically, sometimes a developer listens to your squeeky wheel and watches their beloved franchise explode into a burst of ass flames.

The only thing that XTREME GAMERS hate more then being ignored, is being listened to. They single handedly demanded the creation of the 2D retro Sonic 4. Now understand that Sega has had butt loads of success with 3D Sonic games via children who have no taste, but they took time out to focus on a game for 45 year old 'possible pediphiles', who wish that they didn't have to run over kittens to sustain an erection. The retro perverts replied in a gargled rant, "Fark you! This ain't Sonic 2!?" Fortunatly most haters ejaculated out of rage and are gently spasming on a bed of pizza boxes and "Thats so Raven" photoshop porn.



If you ever find out that you or a friend are in fact an XTREME GAMER who is riddled with guilt after calling Peter Molyhoo a fetus fart, and are also unable to commit suicide via Autoerotic asphyxiation, despite repeated attempts via 'flexability', then know this.

Game developers are bloody ass farts. They have little to no feelings. This is why they burn themselves with Vanilla flavoured Swisher Sweet cigars. To feel. Usually they have to pay for this much sexy abuse, so in a way you are lovers. XTREME GAMERS and fetish game developers pleasuring each other through rude comments. Every time Cliffy B reads those sweet sweet words, "Cliffy B is a jackoff!!" He softly orgasms while crying.......tears of joy.



"Guhhhhhhh!!!! It feels so good to be hated!!!! Ooops I farted....but it feels good!!!"   read


1:58 AM on 11.29.2010

Enslaved: Review Type Thing



Ninja Theory, best known for it's less then successful Heavenly Sword PS 3 exclusive gave the world a second taste of their unique style of uber game story telling with Enslaved: Odyssey to the West. Now, Heavenly Sword wasn't a total bomb. It sold okay, and reviewed fairly well, but failed to live up to the expectations of Sony. I personally felt Heavenly Sword was an amazing example of how much a game could make you care about the characters. It's gameplay was fun and diverse, but the developer Ninja Theory failed to focus on aspects of the game that many take for granted. Two aspects to be specific. Replayability, and online connectivity.

Many games have succeeded without online multiplayer. Fallout 3, Assassins Creed 1, and 2, and Bioshock to name a few, but all these game also have massive amounts of gameplay and replayability. Twenty plus hours of fun wrapped in cinimatic story telling and pervasive style. Which leads us to Enslaved.

The game, much like Heavenly Sword, is submerged in style and by far one of the most beautiful games to look at. The characters seem to be alive and emote real emotion. As the story unfolds you find yourself engrossed in the fate of Monkey and Trip. These are characters that legends are made of. The problem is once you play through the eight or nine hour story it's over, and I mean over. No unlockable costumes, or secret rooms. No extra modes or survival battles. No alternate endings or secondary paths. No leaderboards, hidden items, or exploration. There are these masks that you can find which show you a photo of a wheat field or office building, but finding them gives no greater understanding of the story then what the ending of the game gives you. Other then the achievment for finding them they are pointless. You can find orbs to level up Monkey, but there is really no point in doing so except to get another achievment.

Many have already been squealing about how people aren't giving Enslaved a chance and getting Call of Duty instead, as if Call of Duty is some how a lesser game. The fact is Ninja Theory knew damn well that Heavenly Sword's failure was due to the lack of gameplay, yet they made every single mistake over again and now act surprised that the game fails to sale. The reason that Call of Duty, and Fallout, out sell Enslaved is because they are better games. To suggest that Ninja Theory gets a pass because of facial mocap is insane. Both Fallout, and Call of Duty have deep engrossing and socially important stories, and are no less artistic the Enslaved. They also provide 50-300 hours of gameplay. Call of Duty does so through online multiplayer, while Fallout does so by being fuck'n huge. All three games are $60.

Now, understand I love both Heavenly Sword and Enslaved. Both are amazing feats of video game story telling, but Ninja Theories' self rightious behaviour in believing they are somehow excluded from the work every other developer must do to succeed is stupid. They are making video games. Thats the business. They could have easily added a battle arena, coop play or at least a few unlockable costumes, but they believed they were better then that. It would have literally taken a week or two to throw together some extra costumes (other then the pre-order dlc). This would have given reason to continue playing. It would have been nothing to add a score system for online leaderboards. They even could have taken areas out of the game and created an arcade like battle mode, but they did not. Instead they give you a game that is short, even for an action game, which can be casually beaten in three days, and returned. They then ask for ten more dollars to play as the fat nasty dude (Pigsey's Perfect 10 DLC)......I don't think so.

To succeed Ninja Theory will have to understand that they are not so great that the rules no longer apply to them. The fact is that they have released two games and both have failed. Time to check your ego and stop blaming FPS games. These games fail because they are only slightly more then a tech demo with a great story. In the end maybe Ninja Theory should focus on making CG movies, because games are not just eight hour DVD's. Thats why they are $60. They should be no less then twenty hours of entertainment. I'm the most artsy fartsy person you'll find, but nothing Ninja Theory does, makes them better then anyone else.

I hope Ninja Theory's 'Devil May Cry' corrects these problems because I love their games once they are used for $19.99, but if it fails for the same reasons as Enslaved and Heavenly Sword then piss on'em. I will not shed a tear for a developer who does nothing to correct it's obvious short comings out of sheer stupidity. It's better to have a shitty boat then half of a good one. Ninja Theory is half of a beautiful boat, and it's sinking.   read


9:30 PM on 11.25.2010

The Slippery Slope: DLC Unlock Keys



Since the first mention of Downloadable content gamers have been in pant wetting fear of the horrible possibilities of abuse which could take place, and many have been split by what is and is not abuse. Most agree EA's use of Cheats as DLC is not at all cool, but no one seems to be able to agree on what is fair. All in all I believe developers have rarely used DLC for evil and in most cases such as GTA, Fallout, Burnout, and Assassins Creed DLC has been used to greatly expand the life of our favorite games....BUT!!

Fable 3, like many games now days, was released with DLC ready to go. Nothing all that fancy, but the promise was that much more would follow. Any one who purchased the first day DLC no doubt noticed the lightening fast download, which means that the content was already on the disc. Now, admittedly it would be absurd to not place day one content on the disc. We all know it's ready to go prior to release. It's more convenient. So, not doing so would be a pointless PR move, but then a week later more DLC was released, which was also already on the disc. The problem is that it was content that the gamer should expect in the $60 game purchase. 160 MS points to UNLOCK the color Black?! Seriously?! Okay, so we give them a break. Let this one slide. Just recently Lionshead released their first DLC missions......the problem is, not only was all the content all ready on the disc, but it was noticeably locked out of the disc based game. So, once again your paying 400 MS points to UNLOCK content already on the disc.

This leaves a nagging issue. What does the gamer deserve? The answer? They deserve to feel like they have not been taken advantage of. I never questioned buying content for games like Oblivion, Fallout, or GTA. These games provide hundreds of hours of amazing gameplay. It is more then fair to ask for more money, for more game. To be fair games of this size should cost more then $60. I played Oblivion for 400 hours!!! Thats 12.5 Bayonetta's!!! Fable 3 on the other hand, was not bad, but it wasn't what was promised on the case. It was 20 hours of descent RPG. Nothing more nothing less. Much like Fable 1 and 2, it was full of possibilities......that go unrealized in the end. So do something like forcing the fans to pay to unlock disc based content is at least Questionable.

I personally love DLC and believe that it has revolutionized the way we play far more then 3D TV's or motion controls. I also believe that our fear of abuse was irrational in most regards due to the reality of competitive market place. Screwing your customers is never wise, but there is certainly some grey area's.

So, what do you think? Is disk based DLC unlock keys crossing the line? Where is the line? What is the line?   read


4:25 PM on 11.14.2010

History of GAME: PART DUECE



To most of the world the mid 1980's is best known for mankinds first walk on the moon, but to gamers it will forever be hailed as the beginning of modern video games. Through out the 1930's and 40's Japan had secretly began developing the Super Fun Time Death Box. The problem being that it ended up being more fun and less death. Though admittedly very boxish, it failed to beat out it's main competitor the A-Bomb. It's existence only became known IN 1984 with the release of the 'Nintendo Entertainment System'. Best remembered for it's smash hit, 'Jumping Italian Pedophile', which was renamed 'Super Mario Brothers'.

A long line of consoles followed, some of which were considered 'gay', while others, not so much. Most note worthy being the Sega Genisis. Though it's main mascot was less racist then the beloved Mario Mario Italian stereotype, Sonic the Hedgehog delighted young and old alike with his unique style running and dying. Despite all this progress, it wasn't until the turn of the century that breasts were depicted accurately enough to masturbate to, which confirmed gaming as a main stay in the human experiance forever.

NEXT: PART THRICE: GAMING MAKES FAT PEOPLE.   read


12:48 PM on 11.14.2010

History of GAME: PART ONE


In 1867 Walter M. Gates, great grandfather to Microsoft founder Bill Gates, created the first interactive video game entitled, "Stab Face Holes: New Amsterdam". The game failed to reach eager gamers do to the fact that niether computers, consoles, or televisions had really reached the mainstream audiances due to lack of existing. It would take over 15 years of development before in 1947 the first video game could be actually played with the release of the 'Cathode Ray Tube Amusement Device'. Now, there is debate whether this was a true video game do to it's use of magic, and elven tears to compute the game code which was scripted in the lost language of the unicorn. What is universally agreed upon is that the device's use of baby brain spikes was at least questionable, despite being a little sexy. Parents groups were up in arms considering it could have just as easily used the less sexy kitten brain spikes.

Through out the next 30 years most records are lost due to 'The Onslaught' ,but it is believed that stuff happened, despite lack of documentation to make it real. Not until the 'Relightening' did video games return to recorded history with the rape simulator known as 'Pong'. Despite gamer outcry the game was reworked for mainstream release as a tennis game. This trend of censorship continued with many titles such as 'Crack Makes Me Feel Sexxy' later known as 'Pac-Man' and 'Vagina Jumper' renamed 'Pit Fall' for it's console release.

At this point many felt Video Games could never find the audience like that of other popular medias, such as hangings and the suppression of women and minorities, but no one could have imagined how wrong they'd be.   read


1:36 PM on 11.08.2010

Welcome to the future of 1983!



I remember as a young child playing the Batman movie game on the NES using the Power Glove. My young egg shell mind watched as I waved my hand making Batman jump, sometimes. I realized if the power glove was the future of gaming then I hoped I died of butt cancer before this horrid event could accure. Unfortunatly I did not. After an unnatural amount of rectal examines I find that I will not be granted escape from a stupid "Back to the Future 2" future. In which we replace things like cars with flying cars, better known as airplanes.

(On a side note, I can tell you that if you live long enough to see flying cars, then you'll live long enough to let out a blood curdling scream as you barrel out of control and evaporate in a ball of flames.)

I'm not saying that motion controls do not have a place in gaming, I'm just saying they inspire stupidity. Motion controls are like assualt rifles. They seem like a good idea until a disgruntled postal worker makes a few hundred speedy deliveries into the brains of his co-workers. In the case of motion controls instead of making great games gooder, it inspires crappy games to be more crappy.

I have on occasion played a game that was a prime example of how these types of controls enhance amazing games, but it is always a side note, never the main control method. The main problem being that motion controls throw a hard to predict value into gaming. One that needs testers to test things, and as we all well know testers only do two things, niether of them testing, all of them masturbating.

In conclusion, we will all be pressing buttons long after all the house wives have dropped motion controls and gone back to having intercourse with random strangers. Only then will the game industry crawl back and beg us for forgivness for chasing the desperate housewife dollar, and we'll reply, "Sorry but I'm into hoverboards and sex with housewives now. Xinchies!!"

(NOTE: In the future XINCHIES is slang for Torantian butt sex.)

(NOTE: A Torantian is a cross between a Donkey and a Spider. From Space.)

(NOTE: In the future Donkeys and Spiders do it. Constantly. In space.)   read





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