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History of Vidia Games: Part Thrice - Destructoid

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I am tonicmole, the prince of unicorns. Straight unicorns.....that breath fire and crap rainbows of destruction, like in the bible. They also feast on the souls of fire imps and pee on them....with fire. They constantly sing a wonderous song about the dangers of premarital sex, and how the danger is what makes it fun. I ride them to the top of Mount Airious where I cry to the god of good feelings known as The Southern Dandy to show me the way to the Happy Land. He replies, "All you have to do is believe in the magic of imagination." I then track his voice through the clouds and harpoon him in the face. As the god plummets from the sky he cries out, "Why!?" and I reply, "Because I am god damn tonicmole!" I then pee on him.
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In part two of The History of Games, we covered the strong link between early gaming and Italian Pedophiles, and ended with the advent of Polygonal boobs, designed to aid in masturbating. Now in part thrice we will explore the present and future of Gaming, known as "THE ERA THAT IS VERY SIMULAR TO THE LAST, BUT IN HD!!!"



In 1996 AOL released the first Intranet, and families liked riding on it and eating parts that fell off, but it was easy to realize that it wasn't being fully utilized and had a bright future in spreading viruses, much like that street whore, "Pretty Woman". That's when President Bill Gate's 15th clone leaped from his air mattress and exclaimed, "What if we invent the Intranet and then connect it to gaming devices, like AOL does with hearts and minds?" His idea was quickly stolen by Time Bandits, who used the Intranet of the future to travel through out the history of mankind being butt holes. Unfortunatly they misunderstood what he said and invented Crystal Pepsi, which was delicious but undeniably retarded.....in a bad way. Ironically, Crystal Pepsi would of went on to greatness if it was more Pepsi and less clear piss.



Sixty seven years after Billy G's clone had the amazing idea of online gaming, AOL finally began constructing a new Intranet out of particle board instead of the more common, dryed mud. This new Intranet could reach speeds up to 2, and carry things as heavy as 17! This was perfect for the next generation of gaming, and promised amazing health issues would follow, like being fat, or blond men.



I mean seriously. Men that are blond just isn't right. What the frak is wrong with them, "I'm like a woman ,but with a ding-dong!" Yeah, real cool. How bout you all go back to Norway, and pretend to have nothing to do with Nazi's! Only woman should have blond and red colored hair. Next there'll be men learning to cook, and running restaraunt's, and claiming that their just Italian or something. Well, guess what? How bout you go flip flap jacks in Italy, where men cook, and woman make chickens fight each other to the death. I'm not saying we round up blond men and force them to eat excrement before throwing them into a pit full of Velociraptors, but then again I'm not saying not to. Just for Men, is like $15 or something, have some self respect and cover up you woman hair. Either that ,or we weave it into a noose and hang you with it. Metaphorically speaking.


NOT A DUDE. I CAN TELL, BECAUSE IT HAS BLONDE HAIR. LIKE A WOMAN.
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