I am tonicmole, the prince of unicorns. Straight unicorns.....that breath fire and crap rainbows of destruction, like in the bible. They also feast on the souls of fire imps and pee on them....with fire. They constantly sing a wonderous song about the dangers of premarital sex, and how the danger is what makes it fun. I ride them to the top of Mount Airious where I cry to the god of good feelings known as The Southern Dandy to show me the way to the Happy Land. He replies, "All you have to do is believe in the magic of imagination." I then track his voice through the clouds and harpoon him in the face. As the god plummets from the sky he cries out, "Why!?" and I reply, "Because I am god damn tonicmole!" I then pee on him.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater 3 on the Playstation 2 was one of the first games I can remember that allowed the player to create either a male or female character. It was like time traveling from the wild west, taking a crap in a public toilet via 1998 and watching in eye blasting amazement as the toilet flushed itself. Yet, the debate continues on whether this is an important feature. Some argue that the addition of a female alternative takes resources away from important features, while having little effect on a players enjoyment of a title. They also enjoy claiming that the main character must be male for the story to work, because we all know that women don't fight time traveling ninja zombies. That would be just stupid. Some even claim that it's a waste of time due to the shear lack of people who create female characters.
First let's tackle the waste of resources scenario. The main complaint is that all of the unique animations for a female character would just take too much time. As an amature animator I'll say horse shit. Have you used a modern animator lately? It literally does 90% of the work for you. Also, almost all the the male animations would be identical for both sexes. They act as if women swing a sword by emitting a number of clicks from her vaginal gills located on the back of her head and then spin in a 360 15 feet in the air before exploding. I personally have found that most women just swing the fraking sword.
Secondly, they argue that the story may be male specific.................story? Uhhhhhh, I really have to play this "story" game. The fact of the matter is I would excuse games like Elder Scrolls, Dragon Age, and Saints Row from having female characters because that is alot of work, but I don't have to because they said, "Fuck it!" Saints Row 2 didn't only record full voice work for male or female, they did so in three different dialects a peice. That means they recorded every word the player says six times not including the localized versions of the games in other countries. So let's look at games who just couldn't possibly have a female character do to epic story and amazing gameplay.
Two Worlds: A surprisingly shitty game. I knew it was going to be shitty, yet still surprised me by how shitty it was. Kinda like going to prison knowing that butt sex was in your future, and then being humped to death by a grizzly bear in the shower.
Tony Hawk: American Wasteland/Proving Ground: Activision is notorious for reusing last years assets in annual games. Yet some how Tony Hawk lost features year after year, but don't fear. They have made it very clear that features like character cutomization will not affect the sales of their games, and that the steap decline in sales from American Wasteland to present day is most likely black magic.
Every sports game ever (except Volleyball): Because chicks don't play sports unless they boobs be giggle'n.
The fact of the matter is that to have a female character in any game is treated as an automatic Teen rating. What is that all about? How is it that women have suddenly become offensive!? Their existence a smack on baby Jesus face! Okay....I'm going to end this because I literally started writing this years ago, and just found it. I'm gonna post this thing with no ending. Enjoy.
Okay....so it's been a while since I've been on here. Frankly, I've been doing stuff....awesome stuff, but this isn't entirely a celebration of me. This is about Sony. So what has happened since I last dropped the bomb on the PS VITA? Well.....a lot in fact.
Last we spoke Nintendo was an unstoppable power house of gaming, Microsoft was the king of college frat boys, and Sony....well, they where in the business of saling Bluray players. (Secret tip! If your Bluray player says Playstation 3 on it then you might be surprised to learn that it can also play games. It's why the remote is so weird.)
Fast forward to today.....Holy fuckshitter! What the shit happened!? What'd I do?!
Nintendo is...frankly collapsing Sega style, Microsoft ironically pulled a Sony, and made everyone hate them right before they launched their new console and Sony....pulled a Microsoft. Like it or not the Playstation 4 is the dominate console this generation...oh I know, "It's too soon, give the dreamcastU a chance!" I reply, "No."
The reason all this matters is that to understand the PS Vita of today, you must understand that the environment has changed. Sony can finally make things happen. The PS Vita was bullshit with the PS 3 and still is, but that's yesteryear baby! The PS Vita and the PS 4.....it's like a boner that never stops bone'n. Many of the features announced for the PS 3/Vita are now reality....with the PS 4. The Vita's game library is much better if you include PSP games. The Vita has Uncharted, Killzone, Gravity Rush, Assassins Creed, Little Big Planet, Mod Nation racers, Need for Speed, Dragon's Crown....frankly, a good start. It also can play PSP greats like, Tomb Raider: Legend, Little Big Planet, Sims, Soul Calibur, 3rd Birthday...you get the idea. As for the PS One classics.....well, the PS Vita is the worse console to ever play PS One games on. The games just were not made for a small widescreen display....but really.....who still plays PS One games? Playing PS One games is like weeping in the corner of your parents bedroom while masturbating on their pillows....AKA gross. Psychically, I predict someone will bring up Final Fantasy 7, and I'll laugh, and laugh! Keep in mind, that old games only seem good, because you remember them being good. Not because they are. I remember Resident Evil 1 being awesome.....it wasn't. Moving on!
To wrap this up, Sony has pulled their shit together on all possible fronts, and that includes the PS Vita. If you own a PS 4, then you'd be a stupid piece of shit that should die, if you don't also buy a Vita. As a solo portable, PS Vita is quickly becoming a very solid platform. So...what I mean to say is that you should go buy a Vita and stop masturbating so much.
You may already know that the PS Vita is in trouble. Big trouble. Just a mere few months after release sales bottomed out. News on the future of the system are limited to say the least. Few games are announced for the rest of 2012. There's even a few like Bioshock Vita, that have been delayed for an unknown length of time. Even Sony has failed to give reassurance of the Vita's future, much in the same way as they did with the PS 3 in it's first year. WHY!? Why has the Vita hit so hard? Is it bad timing? Does it suck? Well, here.....we......GO!
Let's do a compliment sandwich up in here shall we? First, the PS Vita has all the bells and whistles that all other mobile devices have, all shoved into one sleek little handheld, but support for said features are hit and miss, BUT Uncharted: Golden Abyss proves that the Vita is the greatest and most powerful handheld ever made. Well, that's a pretty good start. Now, let's just get going a little more here. The PS Vita isn't just super powered. It's insanely overpowered. I mean, the specs are insane. We are literally talking about a handheld that not only crushes it's peers, but rivals it's home console parents. This thing is crazy. That seems good, until you consider $50 handheld games. The fact may come to be realized that a handheld can not support games that demand a 2 year, 50 million dollar production cycle, meaning you will be using 4 cores of power (and paying for them) to play Angry Birds......
Overall, if you ignore the current lack of a software the Vita is amazing, but there is a bigger problem then just a lack of Vita games.
Lies. Lot's and Lot's of lies. Instead of building up the ACTUAL capabilities of the Vita, Sony decided they could make up lies even better. These lies are the reason the Vita has crashed. Sony has been shoving the PS Vita at gaming journalists making big claims. This is not the result of unconfirmed rumors. This is straight from Sony's mouth. Let's do a little Sony Bullshit round up....
1.) Sony claimed the PS Vita could use Remote Play to play any PS 3 game through Wifi, or 3G. At E3 Sony showed the PS Vita playing Killzone 3. This was one of the three major features of the PS Vita. REALITY CHECK: The PS Vita is compatible with almost none of the PS 3 library. The only "Next Gen" game it is compatible with is "Lair"......but so was the original PSP. Sony claims they "Hope to have an update" sometime in the future. Sony didn't say "The PS Vita may someday be able to remote play PS 3 games." They said it did, and showed it doing so. They have in no way stated a possible release of said update, and didn't even confirm they were working on one. They merely say they hope maybe, someday, eventually, it will happen. The exact same thing was said for the original PSP.
2.) Crossplay! Man, it's gonna be so awesome. One of the biggest reasons for getting the Vita was the fact that you could play games on your PS 3, and then continue them of your Vita. Sony wouldn't confirm how you could do this, but very strongly suggested you would download the game to the Vita's hard drive, and play it that way. The reason they kept it so vague is that it was basically total Bullshit. First, you have to have the PS 3 version. Then a developer has to make a compatible Vita version. You then have to buy both of them. Currently only four or five games are supported, all of them being shit. You'll probably say, "Is one of the compatible games Killzone, Skyrim, Call of Duty, Bioshock, Need for speed, Mass Effect, Saints Row, GTA, or Red Dead Redemption?" I'd reply, "No. Hustle Kings, MLB 12 The Show, and Wipeout 2048." Pool, baseball, and hover car's. Now you'd say, "Well, it just came out! You have to give it time!!!!" Actually the consumer doesn't have to do anything. That is the cold hard truth of business.
3.) Backward compatibility: The PS Vita is cutrrently capable of playing many of the PSP games that were available for the ill fated PSP go. Not all of them mind you. This would have actually been okay IF, other features would have been completed on release. having most games work is good, but Sony really needed to do something right. Something to fall back on. Add the handful of missing PSP titles, the lack of PS1 classic support (currently you can only play PS one games via remote play) and the fact that the PS Vita can't even play all of the Mini games, and it just looks like a mess.
Now, if this was all just technical hangups, or momentary set backs, maybe they could be forgiven, but it's not. It's firmware. The PS Vita can in fact do all these things right now, but Sony locked all these features with firmware. They openly advertised these features and then locked the features once they shipped the product and only released the fact that these features were missing after launch. Hell, until launch, everyone thought the thing flipp'n was a phone. Even game journalists were surprised when they received the system to find what it was not.
At the end of the day the PS Vita is an iPhone, that isn't a phone ,but may someday play really cool ports of PS 3 games you played 2 years ago. It's not completely worthless. If you don't have an iPhone, or iPad some of the current features will seem amazing, but when put head to head with the iPhone, and iPad, the PS Vita is crushed. There are a million ways that the PS Vita COULD have been amazing. The ability to take your PS 3 games with you to work through cross play or remote play, as a fancy PSP, or as a flip'n PHONE, but as is the PS Vita is 100% dependent n games made especially for it that no developer can actually afford to make. Hell, big developers are even scaling back console support. Without these features to take advantage of existing assets the PS Vita will starve to death.
To sum up my experience with the PS Vita, I give you this:
In desperation I thought to myself, well at least it can be a cool little micro console that i can connect to my TV......right? Now, of course I can hook the PS Vita to an HD TV.....right......RIGHT!? OH WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? ARE YOU TELLING ME I CAN'T EVEN HOOK THIS UP TO MY TV EVEN THOUGH I COULD HOOK MY PSP UP TO MY FUCKING TV!!!!? FUCKING, COME ON SONY!!! ARE YOU FUCKING BRAIN DEAD!???? WHY CAN'T I HOOK THIS PIECE OF SHIT TO MY FUCKING TV!!!????
SONY: "We are currently looking into expanding the features of the PS Vita, but currently have no comment on future additions to it's functionality."
ME: "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! I COULD SALE CANCER FASTER THEN YOU'RE SELLING PS VITA'S!!!"
SONY: "We are confident that our fan's are pretty used to being repeatedly butt raped, so we have no intention of rushing around trying to make them happy. In fact we kind of hate them and hope they die. It was actually the only reason that the PSP GO existed. To condition our fans for being shit on."
ME: "Oh, I see. I understand. I mean, there is honor in just yielding to Nintendo, Microsoft and Apple and admitting when someone is clearly Superior to you in every possible way. It would just be pathetic if you were actually trying."
SONY: "FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING FUCK FACE, BUTT FUCK FUCKER!!!!???"
In all seriousness, the PS Vita is not what it was, and still is advertised as being. Is it kind of cool? Yes, it is very cool, but the exact same way that the 3DS is cool. The big problem is that it's not worth buying right now. Sony has a lot of work ahead of them that should have all been completed before launch. Which is exactly what Sony is not known for doing. The PS 3, PSP and PSP GO, all suffer from Sony's knack for making huge claims that are unsupported at launch and making promises that they never keep through out the entire life cycle of the hardware. It's pretty obvious that the chances of "Remote Play on any PS 3 game, further support for PSP titles, and mini's, or a less costly way of cross play" are not going to happen. Instead we will see security updates, and anti piracy measures.
IF Sony comes through, and expands PSP support and Remote Play, all the while gaining a few major titles under their belt, by this time next year the PS Vita will be a cheaper must have. As of right now, it is fancy hardware with bad firmware and no software.
What is this thing you call Nerd? Well, surprisingly enough it has nothing to do with testicals. What it does have to do with is much more confusing. You see, back over 200 years ago in the 1980's a Nerd was a super intelligent being with no social skills who would later become a billionaire. All nerds looked exactly like this:
Now, not all Nerds became Billionaires. Most were beaten to death and murdered by a physically superior Alpha Male, like Conan The Barbarian, or The Flash. Bill Gates is one of the products of this "natural selection". As the 80's bled into the 90's Alpha Males began to evolve and become more accepting of these so called Nerdites. Oh, the streets still ran red with the blood of pathetic Nerds, but to a lesser and less sexually stimulating extent. The tides that changed were those of persception. Nerds were the underdogs, and everyone loves an underdog. So stabbing a Nerd to death with your own penis became not nearly as cool as it was in the 80's. Some states even made it illegal! As the end of the world approuched in the late 90's much of the world turned towards the Nerds to stop Y2K from awakening from it's underground layer and purging the world of life with it's Bastard Sword of +10 Flame damage. It appears that they succeeded, since it is currently the future, or as we now call it, THE PRESENT. Though it is still most certainly the future of the past, though still being the present of right now.
The New Era of the Nerds began at that exact moment, or at least gradually over 10 or 20 some odd years before or after that moment. You see, what happened is that as the popularity of insanly rich people grew, many other sub cultures saw their chance to gain acceptance under the guise of NERDISM. For instance, the Pedophile. The current "Nerd" population is made up of 99.9999% pedophiles as seen in this graph below:
Ironically, a Pedophile is neither intelligent or rich. Just a Pedophile. Kinda like the country known as Japan, or as Asian children know it as, "Land of Bad Touching". This is the primary reason Japan now uses cloning for reproduction......because they are 100% pedophiles. Some might say a "Brony", or male "My Little Pony" fan is not always a pedophile, but scientific research has proved they are infact 110% rampant murdering pedophiles.
It doesn't end with Pedophiles though. Another group to merge themselves into the Nerdistic society is the loser, or the sub group "Gamer". A gamer is usually of lower intelligence, unemployed, habitual masterbater, and plays alot of Call of Duty, WOW, or Japanese RPG's (see pedophile). Oddly enough many times they are married and even have children. This is the sad result of a poor woman believing she is in fact marrying a Nerd and not a filthy loser. See the pictogram below to know whether you are infact a loser:
A loser traditionally will purchase another month of "WOW" instead of doing things like "supporting their family" or "paying attention to their wives". Women can also be losers, but usually they merely fall under the catagory of "Fat Chicks" like seen below:
The more unusual new comer to the Nerdtopian Society is the super hot chick nerd. The oddest fact is that the super hot chick nerd, is just a super hot chick with glasses, and not really a nerd at all. This is do to the social infection know as "Go with the Flow". Hot chicks do what ever it is that will make them the cool hot chick. Being a super hot chick nerd is the new.......normal super hot chick. In no way should you get confused. This does not mean a 500 pound chick named Destiny, is suddenly a "Hot Chick". No, no, infact only Hot chicks, are hot chicks. It's just that now, they sometimes wear glasses.....
In conclusion, losers are still losers, pedophiles are still not cool and fat chicks are in fact still fat chicks. Attractive, and/or intelligent people are still very much better people then fat losers. Bill Gates does not know what a WOW is, and in his free time he delivers vacc ines to 3rd world countries.......in real life. As in non-digital. Instead of having a level 50 woodelf, he has a beautiful wife and billions of dollars. He does not play with friends online, he instead hunts real humans like you in a secret billionaire reserve in India (possibly, I really don't know). He does not "get" boners. Boners get him! He is not, and never was a nerd. He was a genius, with little to no ethics. Saying that the pioneers of Home Computing were Nerds is like saying RoboCop was a can opener. THE END.
In part two of The History of Games, we covered the strong link between early gaming and Italian Pedophiles, and ended with the advent of Polygonal boobs, designed to aid in masturbating. Now in part thrice we will explore the present and future of Gaming, known as "THE ERA THAT IS VERY SIMULAR TO THE LAST, BUT IN HD!!!"
In 1996 AOL released the first Intranet, and families liked riding on it and eating parts that fell off, but it was easy to realize that it wasn't being fully utilized and had a bright future in spreading viruses, much like that street whore, "Pretty Woman". That's when President Bill Gate's 15th clone leaped from his air mattress and exclaimed, "What if we invent the Intranet and then connect it to gaming devices, like AOL does with hearts and minds?" His idea was quickly stolen by Time Bandits, who used the Intranet of the future to travel through out the history of mankind being butt holes. Unfortunatly they misunderstood what he said and invented Crystal Pepsi, which was delicious but undeniably retarded.....in a bad way. Ironically, Crystal Pepsi would of went on to greatness if it was more Pepsi and less clear piss.
Sixty seven years after Billy G's clone had the amazing idea of online gaming, AOL finally began constructing a new Intranet out of particle board instead of the more common, dryed mud. This new Intranet could reach speeds up to 2, and carry things as heavy as 17! This was perfect for the next generation of gaming, and promised amazing health issues would follow, like being fat, or blond men.
I mean seriously. Men that are blond just isn't right. What the frak is wrong with them, "I'm like a woman ,but with a ding-dong!" Yeah, real cool. How bout you all go back to Norway, and pretend to have nothing to do with Nazi's! Only woman should have blond and red colored hair. Next there'll be men learning to cook, and running restaraunt's, and claiming that their just Italian or something. Well, guess what? How bout you go flip flap jacks in Italy, where men cook, and woman make chickens fight each other to the death. I'm not saying we round up blond men and force them to eat excrement before throwing them into a pit full of Velociraptors, but then again I'm not saying not to. Just for Men, is like $15 or something, have some self respect and cover up you woman hair. Either that ,or we weave it into a noose and hang you with it. Metaphorically speaking.
NOT A DUDE. I CAN TELL, BECAUSE IT HAS BLONDE HAIR. LIKE A WOMAN.
Alot of people refer to people like us as Gamers. We even refer to ourselves as Gamers, or at least the stupid parts of us, yet what we are has little to do with gaming. Admittedly if you are ONE OF US, then you probably play Vidia Games, but is that all it is about? In fact it is totally possible to be ONE OF US, and never have had the pleasure of wasting your pathetic life staring at an LCD monitor. What defines us has more to do with our shared idea's and beliefs then our hobbies.
We all believe Batman is the all supreme ruler. FACT. We all agree that a T-Rex wearing sun glasses while riding a snow board and shooting a Rocket launcher into a Bee Hive is super cool. SUPER FACT. We are the only group of people who would say, "Being homophobic is super gay, and 10% retarded." FACT-ISH We are offended even more then we can possibly offend. KINDA. We are paranoid, cynical, angry little cock smokers, hell bent on bringing the world to an apocalyptic end through witty complaintancy. We argue over anything, and fight over everthing, all without physically doing anything. We are many, yet have no physical form. We are the first fully functional homicidal artist. We make art until someone dies. Half of us try to be the calm voice of reason. The rest of us mock the other half for being jag-offs. FACT-O-ROMA!
We are nothing. We are, as far as I can tell, a digital anomaly. A bizarre side affect of human's staring at screens. It reminds me of the Matrix. "I know Kung-Fu?" But instead of Kung-Fu it's Pedobear. Our brains gush with pointless random ideas. We are a mixing pot of stupidity. One moron, times a billion. We are a GOD! A really stupid God that has very low self-esteem, or at least should if it ever took the time to look at it's self in the mirror. Maybe brush it's hair once a month whether it needed to or not. We are the Hydra.
WE ARE GOD-ISH!
There is no such thing as "GAMERS". There is only the Anomaly. A digital tidal wave, of chaos. We are a virus, spreading distruption through the world at no less then the speed of your Internet Connection. You don't have to play games to be one of us, but if you are one of us, you probably do. Ironically enough, but it has more to do with being a creepy wierdo then anything else. One massive, digitally bound wierdo. "I can has Cheezburger?" Of course you can.