You might be wondering why at this point, 2 weeks after the launch of the Narnia game, Quiksave still hasn’t managed to produce a review for the bitch. I have sad, troubling news for fans of both the acclaimed book/movie series and the fledgling gaming website: the game bested Tom.

I was defeated by this game, this mockery of action/adventure. I didn’t even have to pay for it. I got it for free on 360 just to review, and I had to stop for my own health. This game, the first 2 hours of it, has made me unhealthy.

I took some time away from Prince Caspian to carefully think about the pain I had experienced, now forever burned into my mind. My white controller, stained forever with blood and tears. I waltzed on over to Metacritic to see if anyone had the strength to play this appalling creation through to the end, and I see two sad review scores, not even enough to generate an average. 1up, always trustworthy, pegged the game at 1.6, which I’m sure it’s about where this thing belongs without dipping into the realm of negative integers. IGN somehow walked away from this experience thinking that it should sit at a 63, and for this I will be taking a little “vacation” from the IGN website, to say the least.

This sounds negative, I know, but it isn’t a review, just so you know. If it was a review, you’d be looking at a number here. A very small number. But this isn’t a review; it’s nothing but a journal, trying to fill you in on how a game was so shoddily thrown together it made me, a man well-traveled in the gaming world, thrown his shoes at the TV, crawl into bed with a “feel-good” smoothie, and weep.