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tim333 avatar 2:37 PM on 01.09.2013  (server time)
I Can Count to Nine: A Journey through Dragon Quest - Part 1

In late 2010 to early 2011, a friend and I played through all nine Dragon Quest games together in sequence, and I did a little writeup on GameFAQs. I was reading back through it and found it amusing, so I thought I'd post it here.


Dragon Warrior (NES)

Here's 120 gold, a torch, and a key to get out of this room. Thou art the descendant of Erdrick. Go save the world.

This is one of the first games I ever played. I first played it in 1990, when I was 5. My companion didn't get around to it until the GBC rerelease.

We got a late start due to playing the last chapter of Sam and Max Season 3. Named the hero One and we're off.

Progress: Not much. Grinded (Ground?) up to level 7, got the Copper sword, chain mail and a leather shield. Got the Tablet. Got to Rimuldar, but got killed.

*Always buy the club first. Nobody likes your style, bamboo pole.
*Thou hast done well in defeating the slime. 1 exp, 1 gold... this is going to take a while.
*"Watch thy hit points when traveling through marsh." "My what?" "Thy hit points." "My what?"
*You say inn, I say 25 gold to sleep on a single square of brick floor. Screwest thou, I'm going to stick with the free MP recharge at the castle.
*Skeletons wear pants?

Week Two

Good old, grindy old Dragon Warrior. Watch those numbers sloooowly tick up.

*Went to Kol and got the Fairy Flute.
*Got some keys and did the Garinham tomb.
*Got the Half plate and rescued the princess at level 13.
*Did the swamp cave because it's there. Got a useless ring. With this jewelry, One can prove he's a real man.
*Got the Full Plate and did some grinding. Managed to find Erdrick's Token by guessing. Got it right on the first try.
*After several False starts, made the long trek to Cantlin and beat the Golem. Having already saved up the money, we bought the Silver Shield.
*Assembled the Rainbow drop and went back to Cantlin to buy the Flame Sword.

Currently One is level 15 and has the flame sword, silver shield and full plate. We're in good shape to move on to II next week.

Highlights from the Imperial Scrolls of Honor:

*Soldier to King Lorik: Do you think that One might need this ancient technology used by Erdrick known as a... "bag?"
Lorik: Of course not. Did he, he surely would have asked.
*One has acquired a reputation in multiple townships and shrines as the local crazy for his habit of running laps around town for hours on end.
*King Lorik is living large. His throne is made of only the finest in cardboard boxes.
*I don't see what's so magical about keys that break after you use them once.
*Monsters have interesting fashion sense. Pink is in.
*Stairs, man. I warned you about stairs. Truly, they art a fearsome foe.
*"I doubt the Intelligence of these NPCs." "Intelligence? What's that? All I've got is Strength, Agility, Attack and defense, HP and MP."
*"Here I go... wish me luck." "Luck? What's that? All you've got..."
*Stairs, dawg. It keeps happening.
*They say it's a lake around Kol, but I say it's clearly a C. C is for Kol, and that's good enough for... wait.
*Hello Goldman. I've come for your Sachs!
*The princess is really creepy. You show up to rescue her and she throws herself at you, immediately insisting that you love her. There's no hope, One. It's already too late. You're just her puppet from here on out. I can see who's going to wear the pants in this relationship... "Aw, honey, I'm really too tired tonight." "But thou must!" "...okay."
*"65 north, 46 west to the castle... what units is this in?" "Loveometers!" "...CREEPY."
*In later games, Metal slimes exist to level you up quickly. In this one, they exist to PISS YOU THE HELL OFF.

Special Sunday Update!

Today was a Dragon Quest IX event in our area; we managed to put in a few hours of progress afterward.

*Got the Magic Armor because really, why not? Actually, we've done a lot of things for that reason. Dragon Warrior is Why Not: The game.
*Defeated the Axe Knight at level 16 and got the Erdrick's Armor. Thank you, Stopspell.
*At level 19, we braved Charlock Castle and retrieved the mighty Erdrick's Sword.
*We managed to put down two enemies who are so tough I regard them as optional bosses: the Metal Slime and the Red Dragon.

Currently One is level 19 and has the Erdrick gear and the Silver Shield. Now we are really set to get II well underway next Friday.

Highlights from the Imperial Scrolls of Honor:
*Metal slimes are terrible piles of metal goo who laugh at your frustration. After many attempts, though, we were victorious! Our efforts were rewarded with the game-changing sum of... of...

...115 exp.

...Somewhere, I can still hear laughing.
*Hauskness sounds like a good name for a holiday. It commemorates the time we defeated a Magiwyvern with just 1 HP left. Happy Hauskness!
*In absence of his recolored bretheren's axe and shield, "Knight" just looks constipated. Excellent move, Ex-lax.
*Tantagel Castle has death panels in the middle of its fountain. Sarah Palin was right!

Week Three

We're back on track. Ain't no stopping this train.

*Grinded to level 20 and fought the Dragonlord. Lost because my companion decided to tempt fate by choosing "FIGHT" with 42 HP left. Fate, it turns out, is very temptable. And very contemptible. Screw you, Fate.
*Grinded to level 21 and defeated the Dragonlord with loads of MP to spare. Got the super special awesome shiny ball and it made everything groovy.
*Apparently, One is Conan. I mean seriously, "If ever I am to rule a country, it must be a land that I myself find"? And this story shall also be told...

Highlights from the Imperial Scrolls of Honor:
*These imperial scrolls must get boring toward the end...

One: "I killed an Axe Knight. Then, I killed an Axe Knight. Then, I killed another Axe Knight. Then, I killed... NOT an Axe Knight! Naw, just kidding, it was another Axe Knight. Then I went and got my ass handed to me by the Dragonlord."

Lorik: "...Dearest daughter, remind me what thou seest in him?"
*I'm used to final boss inner sanctums being all dank and dark, but Dragonlord's is rather bright and cheery. I wonder who does his interior design.
*The climactic confrontation!

Dragonlord: I have waited long for one such as thee.

One: Oh,really? Gee, that's nice of you. I mean, I've been working out... been thinking of going into male modeling maybe?

Dragonlord: No you weirdo. I mean for you to join me and rule half the world.

One: Oh. Huh, that's actually a pretty attractive offer. I mean, Lorik gives me 120 gold and his crazy daughter, you give me half the world... Okay Sparky, deal.

Dragonlord: Thou art... wait, what? Really? You will? I... don't know what to say. I had it all planned out, I'd say join me, you'd say never, we'd fight... Okay, this actually works out a lot better. Thanks.

One: Psyche! *draws sword*

Dragonlord: Wha.... Thou art a dick!

-Phase one-

One: Man, that was easy. What a wimp, no wonder you were hiding down here AAAAHHH!

Dragonlord: Rooooooar!

One:, you're fat. No way those stubby wings could actually take you off the ground.

Dragonlord: Those cardboard boxes that make up my throne... they're filled with Twinkies.

And so, One saved the world from the Dragonlord and went off to be dominated by his wife into founding three kingdoms. He enjoyed life a lot more after he figured out that he could let his wife do all the ordering people around, and spent a long retirement relaxing and having other people beat up slimes and such for him. The end.

I thought I might post these here one game a day (except 6, which I didn't do much of a writeup for). Of course, if people think this sucks and posting it here is a terrible idea, then I won't clog up the cblogs with it. Let me know.

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