After something like 13 games, you’d think that Mario would learn to start his quest in world eight. I mean, just think about it… when you lose something on a regular basis, don’t you start looking in the places you’ve found it before?

My keys have never ended up in the fridge, they’ve never stumbled their way into the back of my toilet, and they’ve certainly never been in the old VCR that we only use to watch Dead Man On Campus once a year. They have, however, found their way into my dirty clothes pile/bin, in between and under couch cushions, and even inside my pillow case (I was really drunk that night). So, when I can’t find the jingly bastards, I don’t check the former one’s until the latter ones have been thoroughly scoured, thus saving myself time and effort.

So, it would make a lot more sense if when the Princess goes missing, Mario would just take a shortcut to the dark, lava filled area’s of the Mushroom Kingdom. I mean, he’s gotta have a tube that gets there without all the detours. I would have built one of those the second I got back from the first or second kidnapping ordeal. That way, I’d only have to visit the other castles once I’d been to the one Peach has been in before.

And since I know Nintendo is reading this right now, I think we can all expect a huge change in the layout of the next Mario game. In fact, I fully expect to start at world eight, defeating Bowser right off the bat, and then having to work my way backwards, before finding her giggling under the royal bed with a slice of cake next to her, just waiting for my fat, Italian ass to find her.

But if that isn’t what happens, then, well… I guess I’ll just have to play it anyway. They may be the same old games over and over again, but one of these days, we’ve gotta find out why her name is Peach and what her weird obsession with cake is all about. And since I’m pretty damn sure they’re both sexual, you know I’m not gonna miss out on that sweet cutscene.