I can hear Ron Workman yelling right now. Turok is a heavily flawed First Person Shooter that is really a love it or hate it game. Developer Propaganda games, a Vancouver-based studio was trusted with reviving the flaming mutilated corpse that is Turok: Evolution. “We can rebuild him, we have the technology” was heard by one.

The result? A flaming mutilated zombie, that’s what.


***CONTEST***

Basic Info

Turok (360 version seen, played before any possible updates)
Developer – Propaganda Games
Publisher – Touchstone Interactive
Console – Xbox 360, PS3
Year – 2007



The Premise

Gears of War in the Jungle. They literally threw the proud native heritage of the Turok series (LOL) out the window. You’d be hard pressed to see a single true native in the game. Apache chief is not amused. Instead we get a bunch of space marines crash landing in a dinosaur-infested planet while trying to hunt the leader of the Wolf Pack, a group you were once in that went rogue. The premise is incredibly weak and you won’t give a fuck about anything that’s going on at all. The original Turok games mixing Native American themes with sci-fi elements and was, well, original. The “new” Turok is the product of the cookie-cutter sci-fi epic mold that Halo formed and everyone’s trying to milk cash from. And I use the word “new” loosely, as there’s nothing original about it.


Apache Chief is proud of his alien killing heritage.

The Game

This is where Turok really shows it’s colors, it’s various shades of brown. The human AI rode in on the short bus, as they are dumb fucks that really present no challenge or any tactics whatsoever. The Dinosaurs do act like dinosaurs, and they give you a sense of power when they push you down on your feet, and this may seem cool the first couple of times but it gets old really quickly.


PROTIP: To kill a dinosaur shoot it multiple times until it dies. Or stab it once and watch it drop

The weapons are, by far, the worst set I have ever fucking seen performance and ascetic wise. Bland unoriginal firearms are incredibly unbalanced. The sniper rifle and bow can kill in one shot, the shotgun has no force behind it and the Machine gun is absolutely worthless. I could go on but thinking about it is going to make me punch a hole through my wall then fuck it in sexual frustration and fury.

The controls

Why did they steal everything from other FPS games except the controls? They take more time than they should to wrap your head around and the sensitivity is god-damn awful. You literally have to turn it down to the lowest setting to even have remotely accurate shooting. Sloppy button placement only adds to the frustration and makes orphan children cry.

The graphics and sound

The graphics and sound are probably the strongest part of the subway grope-fest that is Turok. Jungles look like jungles, dinosaurs look like dinosaurs. It’s nothing jaw dropping nor particularly impressive but it’s easy on the eyes and does what it has to do. Sound fares a bit better but at this point it’s an Ipod video smack dab in the center of a steaming pile of dog feces.


Perty.

The conclusion

You’re better off playing the original Turok games because you’ll find more enjoyment in them than this one. Buy it if it’s $10, otherwise you’re better off going to an Indian casino. I guarantee you’ll have more fun watching them keep your money than wasting it on Turok.

FINAL VERDICT:

8/10 – Your mom
“Like your mom, this game sucks lots of dick, and is more money than it’s worth. It’s an unsatisfying romp that will leave you with a sour taste in your mouth (and burning down there)”