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Unstoppable Juggernaut is my bestest internet friend in the whole wide universe. Forget that fat Texan guy or that mexican that's always in IRC, UnstoppableJuggernaut is the super duper-est. I'm writing this blog because I want to shout to every corner of the internet that I, GAME Hashel van Hashel GOBLIN has the best best friend ever, UnstoppableJuggernaut. We've had some wacky and crazy adventures together and I always like going through my scrapbook of memories of those totally spontaneous things we did.

Here's a picture of us riding a two-seated bike together. I told him to choose a better color but he insisted on dark green haha. We rode that bike for hours. Wowzers that sure was a blast!

Here's us at the bowling alley. Juggy was making a sceen, screaming "Fuck yo pins" and smashing everything. That's Juggs! Man, what a guy! He bowled a 240. High five!

He're us looking for sunken treasure off the coast of Hawaii! We found some neat fish but no treasure :( We never expected to find treasure though because we always had the treasure of each others friendship

We've been in some real sticky situations before, like that time Juggs got his helmet stuck in the doorway, or that time I was caught in a handicap parking spot. We've also been through a zombie-apocalypse together, boy was that an unpleasant experience! Haha! RELOADING hahahahaha! Just like that videogame. Yep, that videogame was pretty cool, Juggy loves playing it on his Nintendo all day, I'm always telling him to pause it but he says he's playing online whatever that means. Unfortunately we never got a picture so we had an artist's rendition done by comic book artist Gene Colan

And here's Juggy and I drinking a milkshake. Gosh that was a swell milkshake. And friendship made it all the sweeter

Thanks for going down memory lane with me! I've got to set up the scrabble table, it's our game night today :D

I find this figure so awesome. This is how it went down:

(Brother walks into EB Games, notices figure on cash register)

Brother: Hey, Cool figure! How much are they?

EB Games chick: This is a promo toy. We only got one, and it's for display. Do you want it?

Brother: Sure.

EB Games chick: Here you go

(Hands figure over)

Brother: Thanks

EB Games chick: No problem

The figure in question?

12:33 AM on 12.03.2007

Gamespot can suck my balls. Go DIAF Gamespot! I'm gonna grind up your parent company and your advertisers and feed you them in chili!

Aww yes, your tears taste so good! Yes! i can taste the failure! Mmmm, Gamespot!

Also, I pulled a Wiisucks.
That is all.

If the IRC images are illegible, as is the case for some people switch browsers or Right-click and view to make them bigger and clearer.

This Monday’s investigation: Necros (The shitty Cop Drama)

**** ”None of this was staged or rehearsed in any way. The other parties in this story had no idea I was writing this epic cop drama, so the reactions of everyone on the IRC are genuine.” ****

I visit the online tavern known as the IRC quite a bit. Not lately, as my matlock skills are on overdrive, but I happen to stop by once in awhile. You see, the man that controls this joint is none other than King Necros. Necros and I go way back, ever since I stole his games for orphan children. And then he killed me. But I have grown to love the guy, respect him for the king that he is. But In doing so I overshadowed his real intentions and the dastardly plot that thickened by the second.

The rabbit hole goes deep here folks. I wouldn’t even believe it myself unless the cold hard facts were there. What I’m getting at is: Sorry, friend, but this ternary must be exposed to the public.

A normal chat with some IRC regulars turned into something much more in an instant.

My curiosity sparked, and I asked more questions directed to one that goes by MaxVest.

This is the complete and unedited excerpt from the events that took place in the private room:

Theories and ideas began to swirl around my head. I wanted to stop but I couldn’t. I did not want to find out something about my friend that could make us enemies, yet my curiosity would not let me go to sleep. I then decided that I had to press on with my investigation. This was no longer for friendship. This was for JUSTICE.

I started at the bottom of the chain. Lowly thugs, drug dealers and prostitutes. A drug dealer’s description of a man he talked to about the drug trade went as follows:

“Jeah mein, he had long hair or somethin’ with glasses. Dark skin too. If yous wanna get into this shit ya gonna have to rap with him ese.”

I them proceeded to beat his face in with a dictionary in hopes that he would learn to talk like a human being.

I pulled out a picture of my buddy Necros out of my wallet, reflecting on the man’s description. I didn’t want to look at the picture to reveal the truth but really I knew it already. I knew that I would have to bust someone tonight. I knew that I would have to bust my friend. I knew, but I wish I didn’t know.

I arrived at the IRC. I knew what it really was now. King Necros’s palace was none other than a drug factory. I looked at Necros’ picture one last time before dropping in on the ground. SWAT team behind me, I rushed in.

As I dragged him to the car, he nay said a word. He knew that his ass was going to be sore after this was over. I tried to avoid eye contact, but the tension in the air was too thick. He sat in the back. I in the front seat. I turned around and gave him a cold stare in the eyes. “Thief.” He muttered. I smiled, turned around, and drove down the road. Silence filled the car the rest of the trip. I knew he escaped out the back of the car half way to the precinct. I just didn’t stop him. I thought it’s the least I could do after I stole his games way back when.

I am starting this weekly blog about all of the odd paranormal and unexplainable happenings that happen in destructoid. And I am not doing this just for CTZ. I came up with this idea around 100 years ago, give or take a few.

I call it...

I have but one investigation to start us off: The MrSecret case.

It was one cold winter evening. I lay beside the fire, caressing my beautiful girlfriend as she lays on my lap. I then realize, "What the hell are you doing out of the kitchen? Go make me a damn burrito dip!". I shuffle to my computer desk where destructoid awaits my return. I chat with the locals, have a lul or two. But something wasn't right...

MrSecret... he seems completely irrelevant... or is he?

On further inspection, I noticed a link between this MrSecret and our very own... BAHAMUTZERO!!!

I used extensive detective work and spent many hours gathering the following data. Clue Goo was abundant during my research:

I began to slowly realize what all of this meant. I slowly walked back from my work desk as the horror of my research uncovered itself: