hot  /  reviews  /  video  /  blogs  /  forum

FRESH MEAT  
|   FROM OUR COMMUNITY BLOGS

tazarthayoot's blog


10:37 PM on 04.01.2008

UPDATE ON ROMEROGATE 2008: PC GAMERS UNITE WITH ROMERO AND THE FRENCH TO BRING DOWN CONSOLE ALLIANCE


French President Nicolas Sarkozy: Man of the people. Fan of Counterstrike.


PARIS, FRANCE: Previously I reported about the formation of The Coalition of the Gaming Masses Who No Longer Wish To Fight Amongst Each Other and Find a New Scapegoat to Hate™, a group of gamer fanboys who have united as one to declare a holy "l33t-had" on John Romero, developer of the early 90's guts-and-gore filled game Doom, and late 90's abortion Daikatana.

Shocking news has just now surfaced that John Romero is being aided by the PC Gaming Coalition, a group of PC gaming enthusiasts (read: fanboys) who are deadset on saving their beloved messiah. The most shocking relevation of all, however, is that the entire French Army (all twelve of them) are joining in with the PC Gamers in fighting the console threat.

"Ve are pretty French sometimes," says French President Nicolas Sarkozy. "Ve like to be cheeky, ve like to drink wine, and ve like our PC games. John Romero es very much like us, and as such, we are fighting to protect him from ze vile console gamers."

Thousands upon thousands of the "PC Gaming 3l33t," as they are referring to themselves, have armed themselves to the teeth to fight their console gaming foes. Head leaders in the PC Gaming Coalition are confident they will be able to defeat their enemies on the battlefield.

"It's very well known that PC gamers are far more adept in combat then console gamers shall ever be," says a PC enthusiast only known as "Dyslixic." "Everyone knows that PC gamers have the edge because of our expertise in building our own gaming rigs, as well as the fact that we have more precise aiming skills from our years of using a mouse, which is clearly a far more accurate control then analog sticks will ever be."

A representative for CGMWNLWTFAEOFNSH™ could not be reached for comment. Stick with FOXToid for continuing updates.   read


9:17 PM on 04.01.2008

SHOCKING NEWS: FANBOYS TEAM UP; START A HOLY WAR AGAINST JOHN ROMERO


Pictured: Members of the Nintendo Party of CGMWNLWTFAEOFNSH™ training for a "Search and Destroy Romero" Operation in the Middle East.

Redmond, WA: Shock and Awe-mazing news coming down the pipeline today, and FOXToid is your one and ONLY source for this exclusive news.

April 1st, 2008 will be a day that will be remembered by all those leftist bastard gamers for the rest of their lives. It was announced today that fanboys for Microsoft, Sony, and Nintendo have thrown down their flame cannon and held up the olive branch of peace. The Coalition of the Gaming Masses Who No Longer Wish To Fight Amongst Each Other and Find a New Scapegoat to Hate™ (or CGMWNLWTFAEOFNSH™ for short) was formed today on the front steps of Nintendo of America. A representative of each fan group was in attendance to announce the Ceasefire between message boards.

"We have realized that we have been fighting the wrong enemy this entire time," says SuMizzle, a former fanboy of Sony and now a head member of CGMWNLWTFAEOFNSH™. "For nearly a decade this war has been waged for all the wrong reasons, pitting brother against brother, e-girlfriend against e-boyfriend. Today we now realize who the real enemy is."

That enemy, they have claimed, is John Romero, designer of such games as Commander Keen, Doom, and Daikatana, the latter of which CGMWNLWTFAEOFNSH™ is citing as the reason for their war.

"For the last twenty years, we have been fighting over which one of our fellow man has the greater system. In that same amount of time, John Romero has created schlock such as Daikatana and Red Faction for the Nokia N-gage," says Adam "Blindside" Dork, a member of the Nintendo party. "For these reasons, we have called upon Mr. Romero a l33t-had. We have the belief that the great gaming gods, Miyamoto, Allard, and Harai, will help to deliver this infidel to justice."

Since news of this Console Alliance has been released, John Romero has gone into hiding. Reports are coming in saying that Romero was possibly identified in a Houston airport booking a flight to Romania.

We should have known better than to allow gamers to assemble en masse. I've always said that eventually they will unite and wage a holy war against someone instead of growing up and getting a real job like I did. They'll never learn, but we already knew that they were nothing more then sad, disgusting losers who live in their parent's basements. Unlike me.

I live in the upstairs guest room.

Stay tuned for FOXToid for future updates on this crisis.

FOXTOID: WE BLAME. YOU'RE TOO LAZY TO CHANGE YOUR OPINION.   read


8:58 AM on 04.01.2008

UNBREAKING NEWS: PORN INDUSTRY APPALLED BY SEX SCENES IN MASS EFFECT



The porn industry struck back at EA and Bioware's Space RPG title Mass Effect today because of it's use of "rampant, unprotected, unsolicited sex with humans and aliens."

"This is just wrong, and completely unfair," says the guy who made all of those World of Whorecraft movies. "I mean, my whole career is based around making porno based off video games for pathetic, lonely nerds to jerk off too, but thanks to Mass Effect and its fuck shots, there's nothing I can parody that they haven't already seen!"

Not only was that one guy pissed off, but about three dozen or so B list porno celebrities were upset that they aren't going to be able to put "the blue alien chick who does DVDA" on their acting resumes. "I've done a lot of roles in my career," says Trixxxie Suxxxalot (misspellings = sexiness), star of game-based pornographic films, such as Crash Inhercoot, Super Monkey Balls in my Vagina #31, and Pong: The Musical Porno, "but playing a blue alien that gets fucked is a dream of mine, and I'm very disappointed that thanks to the sex scenes in Mass Effect I'll never get the chance!"

"I already had a name and a plotline picked out," said that creepy director guy again. "Instead of the obvious Ass Effect, I wanted to try something a bit edgier. I was gonna go with Mass Erect, get it? Obviously with a name like that, we were gonna have a whole group gangbang of different alien races. It was gonna be a porno, sure, but it was also gonna be a message of hope and tolerance in an otherwise racist and bigoted world."

Neither EA nor Bioware have commented at this time, but some guy I met at the local Lion's Den said "I'll whack off to anything."

Stay tuned to FOXTOID for all the latest schlock that rocks.   read


9:23 AM on 03.28.2008

CHEETOID: IT'S CHEEBURGA'S BIRTHDAY EVERYONE!

On this day 11 years ago, Cheeburga was born. To celebrate the surprising conception of one of my best friends, I bring you this:

[embed]78151:9709[/embed]

In all cerealness, happy birthday, Chee! I <3 u, and you'll get your buttsecks tomorrow!

  read


9:59 PM on 03.03.2008

Tazar Tirade 02: Michigan NARPapalooza!

This version of the Tirade is not so much me bitching about shit that pisses me off, as I have already addressed that once today. No, this tirade is aimed simply at recounting what little I remember from this past weekend's amazing NARP that was had here in the shitacular state of Michigan. What follows is a tirade full of anecdotes and some ranting, so be sure to pull up a comfortable chair and your favorite snack and/or beverage.

The NARP really started for me on Friday, as I had to drive to pick up Cheeburga from where he lives east of me, then start the trek north toward Grim's house.

As most of you may or may not know, I am not a native of Michigan. I have lived in Louisiana all my life up until the last few years, and did not see my first snowfall until about two years ago. I hate the snow with a fevered vengeance, so you can understand my frustration when I woke up Friday morning to the realization that it had A) been snowing all night and B) it was going to be snowing all day. If you read the previous posts, you know my car is, for a lack of better words, a piece of shit. Driving in the snow is so hard, and the slightest bit of speed over the "sweet spot" sends my car in a death spin.

Driving to Chee's, I noticed five cars strewn along the highway that had spun out and landed in the ditch. It was not very helpful for me to see this as I made my way to Chee's city. Luckily, my car made it no problem, although I got lost twice trying to get to his house.

Dear Michigan: make fucking street signs that are fucking visible from the road. Also, fuck you.

I pull up to Chee's driveway and see him peering out his front door like he's waiting for his package from the cock of the month club. I have to admit I didn't know what to think of Chee at first. The kid wears girl pants for fucks sake.

But Cheeburga is an amazing kid. He's funny and fun to talk to, and he actually likes good music. The fact that I didn't throw him out of my car at any point during the trip should be proof positive enough that Chee is awesome.

After a quick pit stop at the local 7-11 to get my Friday drank (MT DEW AND CHERRY SLURPEE FTW!), we were on our way for a three hour trip to Grim's house...

...and got lost again...twice.

Once again, fuck you Michigan. Mark your roads and your fucking detours so that people can SEE them. Because of your bullshit, we almost went off of a huge fuckoff bridge that was closed. WE COULD HAVE FUCKING DIED!

Anyway, after we found our way again, we finally got to Grim's house. Grim's house is amazing, and so are his parents. His mom treated us like royalty, and made us the best cookies ever, and amazing nacho cheese salsa.

We played some Rock Band, helped Grim out on skate.(because he sucks at it), and watched the Thing on HDDVD.

We also played Dynamite Cop on the Dreamcast. If anyone can remember that game, you know how amazingly bad it was. I used to love the game as a kid, but holy shit, this was terrible, and has not aged well as all.

Grim has like twenty HD DVD's. lawl.

Grim is a super quiet dude but fucking awesome as hell. Seriously, I love Grim.

We fell asleep around 1 am, and got up at about 9 am. After watching a little bit of Family Guy, Grim's mom made us some AMAZING cinnamon rolls. She is amazing.

We were back on the road at by 10ish and on our way to pick up Aertyr and CannibalCalvin. Aertyr is like nine feet tall and reminds me of the Giant from that Billy Crystal movie, When Harry Met Sally. Calvin is amazing, and so is Aertyr.

After we picked them up, we drove back to Grim's house (because Cheeburga fails and can't remember to bring his fucking jacket anywhere), we were finally on our way to Lark's.

Highlights of this trek:

+Calvin and Cheeburga are connoisseurs of drawing dicks on Pictochat. That was also the ONLY reason Pictochat was ever created.
+Michigan still sucks.
+Birds in Michigan are the dumbest mother fuckers on earth. Seriously. If you see a car coming at you, YOU DO NOT FUCKING DRIVE DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF IT. ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU JUST LEFT THE SAME SPOT YOU FLEW BACK INTO 10 SECONDS EARLIER.
+Aertyr likes taking pictures.

After five long hours, and two times when taking the wrong exit and/or missing the exit, we finally arrived at Lark's house. NihonTiger had gotten there just minutes prior.

Lark scared the shit out of me at first. He has this beard that made me think he was going to rape us. No offense Lark, you were a really cool guy, but holy shit my butthole clenched up.

NihonTiger is a nerd. But in a good way.

We immediately clear the top of a broken tv, placed a working tv on top of it, and started up on the Rock Bands. And a lot of Rock Bands was to be had. I sang for almost the entirety. Seriously, I can barely speak right now because of all the singing I did Saturday.

Highlights of Lark's house:
+Asian Joe was at the narp, and he is my bestest friend!
+Brawl does fucking suck. Fuck that game.
+Crazy dog looks like Wishbone. Wishbone, if he were a psycho dog who would tear your throat out.
+Lark's brother and nephew are also batshit insane.
+Michiana is a fucking stupid name for the border of Michigan and Indiana.
+Rizer Glen was missed terribly.
+Kwaselow's lolcat speech of why he couldn't attend was lolarious.
+Lark's wife is nonexistant. Seriously, I was screaming and singing my head off, and I never saw her once.
+Brawl really fucking sucks.
+You can never go fast enough. You must always go FASTER FASTER FASTERFASTERFASTER!
+Dtoid Stickam = Reboot and Sonic porn.
+Chad Concemo riding a dolphin is infact the background to my Xbox Live blades, and it will be like that until the end of time.
+Fuck you Brawl.
+Cheeburga can't comprehend MST3K.
+SUPER SMASH BROS BRAWL IS A PIECE OF SHIT. DO NOT BUY.

So Sunday morning we all headed out for the long trek home. Lark's dog chased us down the road for a good fifty feet, which was fucking creepy. We stopped at an Applebee's halfway between Grim and Lark's house. Highlights of Applebees:

+They can't get my order right.
+The waitress almost lost her shit when I was talking about fajitas.
+Bowling is a terribly boring sport. Whoever watches that shit is either in a catatonic state, or severely retarded.
+Every one of us ordered cheeburgas. Every one of us ordered our cheeburgas by saying "I want the cheeburgas..."
+I am quite knowledgeable of teh vagina.

After Applebee's, we pulled out Grim's ipod and noticed he had a lot of REALLY AWESOMELY BAD SHITTY MUSIC.

We spent the entirety of our trip singing in unison to all the songs, including, but not limited to: Ocean Avenue, Welcome to the Black Parade, a shitload of No Doubt, a bunch of Queen songs, Trapt, Linkin Park, Staind, Sum 41, etc etc etc.

We dropped off Grim, Calvin, and Aertyr at their homes, and then it was just me and Cheeburga left.

We listened to the Lost Odyssey soundtrack until my mp3 player battery died. The Lost Odyssey soundtrack is incredible. It will make you want to play Final Fantasy VII all over again. Go buy Lost Odyssey.

Once my mp3 player died, we plugged Chee's DS into my car adaptor and listened to the sultry sounds of a Bidoof in heat from Pokemon Diamond. At about 6 pm I dropped Chee off at his house, and started my trek home. I got home around 7 pm last night, brought all my stuff in, and lol'd at cheeburga eating a cheeburga.

This weekend was one of the greatest weekends of my life. I seriously love everyone who I hung out with to death, and hope that we can hang out again real soon.

I know nobody is going to read this, but I just wanted to put my perspective on the trip. It was amazing guys!

Finally, I want to end on a good note:

SUPER SMASH BROS BRAWL SUCKS!   read


2:54 PM on 03.03.2008

Failed criticism, and the failed journalists who excel at it...and the gamers that play them.



My good friend Grim just showed me this article by the Daily Texan's Hudson Lockett. Lockett poo poo's all over Gametrailers TV, stating the show is full of misinformation and is completely unorganized, yet manages to shit all over himself in presenting any proof to his claim that the show is such.

In the article, he says that Gametrailers TV is a "bad show, paved with good intentions." If he were talking about the stupid non-gaming bitch of a cohost that Keighley has on the show with him, I'd be willing to agree, but instead Lockett says that the thirty minute game show fails to "encapsulate relevant gaming news and analysis."

Okay, I'm game Mr. Lockett (if that is your real name, it sure does sound like a spiffy fake name, like Jim Sterling or I used to be on Road Rules). Let me know what, in your opinion, makes Gametrailers TV a mega failure.



While commentary comes from generally respectable sources, some appear uninformed about certain subjects. Shane Satterfield, editor-in-chief of Gametrailers.com, is particularly noteworthy.

No one buys the Wii as their primary console," Satterfield said of Nintendo's popular platform, ignoring the company's appeal to a demographic that doesn't usually play video games. Satterfield insisted that the Wii is bought largely in addition to competing consoles rather than on its own.

Okay...so your argument is that because an EDITOR has an EDITORIAL OPINION, he is wrong?

My fair Communitoid, I ask you this: how many of you own ONLY a Wii? How many of you consider the Wii to be your PRIMARY (read: most played video game system on a weekly basis overall) game system. Nintendo fanboys need not apply, I already know what you're going to say.

Alright, so one strike so far, Mr. Lockett. Let's see what else you've got.

Meanwhile, the show's featured previews are essentially ads. A segment for "MLB '08: The Show" adeptly points out, "Baseball wouldn't be baseball without the teams, players and stadiums." Perhaps most telling is the narrator's suggestion that the game will drop "just in time for the new season." Each preview also points to more substantial coverage at the program's partner site, Gametrailers.com.

Uh...so is this an argument? You're saying they fail because they preview games, and tell people to go to their site to watch more content? Thank god you're on the scene, Matlock!

How could a preview of a video game be anything other than a fucking ad for the game? The point of a preview is to allow consumers to see the game before it comes out, give them what the game hopes to achieve gameplay and etc wise at retail, and then allow the consumer to decide for themselves whether or not they want to buy the game. Had it been a REVIEW, I'm sure it would have featured a grading scale comparable to stars 1 to 5, or llama's balancing on a ball, whatever your feeble mind needs to process information of whether a game is bad or not.

Also, they TEND to release sports games near the start of that particular game's season. You know, when the most rabid fan is willing to buy whatever assorted goodie there is out there that is associated with their beloved team. That's called a marketing strategy, Mr. Lockett. If they released a baseball game during football season, the game would probably not sell very well, I would imagine.



Thirdly, the show is, as you already stated, thirty minutes long. Obviously they can't fit EVERYTHING they want about the game into the show, otherwise they wouldn't have time for anything else. Also, considering Gametrailers.com came BEFORE Gametrailers TV, why the hell wouldn't they link to their own damn site? I'm sure your business card reads "Jackass, Journalist for Dailytexanonline.com." Or do you just bring printed out versions of everything you've ever written everywhere with you, so people don't have to fully research your bullshit on their own?

Okay, so that's two strikes, Mr. Lockett. Your closing paragraph is about how Keighley is a "competent proponent of video games as a respectable medium." (unlike you, who is a competent example of why children shouldn't eat paint chips as a child) Then you poopoo on his show by using his own quote about Mass Effect to sum up. Brilliant, I'm sure you were on the Dean's list at whatever technical school you attended to get your writing degree. (DeVry FTW!)

So that leaves us with two strikes though, doesn't it? What could I possibly come up with to add for the final three strikes?



Your third and final strike has to do with that picture you used to accompany your article. What the fuck does it have to do with anything? EA and Rockstar are never mentioned once, not even Best Buy is mentioned. Nor pricing, alphabetical order in retail stores, games you wish you could play if you didn't have the intellect of a marmoset. I don't get it, and I'm sure you don't either. Thank god for the subquote to explain to me what the fuck it was, but even then, why use it? Did you just buy a new camera that day and that was the first picture you took with it? You're a regular fucking Savant, but even he can read better than you.

Mr. Lockett, three strikes and you're out. If you were trying to encapsulate relevant reporting of a television show about gaming, or wanted to comment on video game tv shows and how they confuse you with their bright colors and talking hosts, you failed on both accounts. I blame your breakneck pacing and unfocused format for it.

[Via Fucking Idiots, thanks Grim!]   read


11:56 AM on 02.28.2008

Five Games That Need Prince



Prince is the greatest thing ever. Not man, thing. He is a musical phenom, a literary genius, and a god to all the sexy ladies.

That being said, no one has ever made a game starring Prince, or even mentioning Prince. Why? Because it would be hard to bottle that much amazingness into one DVD. You think MGS4 on 360 will be a bunch of discs? The Prince game would be roughly five hundred discs long, and the game merely consists of Prince on the screen, gyrating and dancing to your favorite Prince songs. (which is easily an 11/10)

So with that in mind, what I'd like to do now is introduce all of you to a new era in the Prince Revolution, complete with shitty paint pictures! This is the top 5 games that need Prince.

Five: Rock Band: Black Sweat Edition


Prince is the all time greatest rock and roll R&B musician of all time. If you don't believe me, I suggest you turn off your internet right now and go watch Purple Rain for seventieth time (like I have). With a game that's all about letting the user rock, they really pulled a stupid move by not including the Great One™'s songs or likeness in the original.

Black Sweat Edition fixes all of these issues.

Want yellow assless chaps? You got em! Want an amazing guitar that behind a sheet looks like you have a gigantic penis? You got it! Want Morris Day and the Time?

Go fuck yourself

Black Sweat Edition would feature Prince as the singer/guitarist/bassist/drummer/backup dancer/roadie/sex machine/ladies man/slick dresser/man about town. The 360 version would include one and only one achievement.



One: The Artist Formerly Known as Katamari Damacy



The entire time I played Katamari Damacy, I thought to myself This could use Prince.(Granted, I think that about every game.) Thus, this brilliant idea was born.

You play as The Great One™, Prince. His head has decided that it needs a vacation, so it goes and rolls around the Japanese countryside, talking to cows and putting dolphins behind his ears. The King of the Cosmos will speak to you at various points of the game, asking you for guidance, and how to be as awesome as you.

Your response? Well, that part is entirely up to you. That's right, it's a choose your own Prince-venture game! Layers, upon layers, upon layers, upon layers.

So I know what you're asking yourself. You're saying, "Why are there only two games listed in this top 5 list? Why is Prince so sexy? Why have I never had the glory of Prince inside me?

The answer is simple: More than two games on the market featuring Prince could and will destroy the world. It will allow you to divide by zero, it will allow you to have sex with little girls, and it will allow you to shit your pants. Not even Chuck Norris could prevent such a catastrophe.

The other questions you asked? You'll have to listen to your heart for the answers to those.   read


3:39 PM on 02.24.2008

WTF #1: Sonic Underground

WTF will be a series I hope to not fail at keeping up with, chronicling the bastardization of all of our beloved childhood heroes.


Sonic hasn't had a very good life. He was amazing in his first few outings on the Genesis, but has never been able to regain that popularity. Now we all know the reason for this is because the games he's had since Sonic CD (the best in the series by far) have been terribly shitty 3D or sports games that just fall extremely short of matching the intensity of the original titles.

That being said, there is a part of Sonic's life that is so dark, so depressing, so bad that he hopes you will never discover it, and you probably wouldn't have, had I not spent all night watching this crap. Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you the first edition of WTF: Sonic Underground.



Now, what is Sonic Underground, you may ask? A good question. It appears as though in 1999, DiC enterprises (responsible for a lot of terribly shitty Saturday Morning cartoons in the early 90s) decided that the entire story of Sonic the Hedgehog that had changed several times in every iteration of cartoon series (From the Nickelodeon slapstick humor Sonic, to the Sonic the Hedgehog that told the story of the Freedom Fighters resistance lead by Sonic to defeat Robotnik) needed to be changed yet again, but how do you reinvent Sonic? It's been tried by everyone from Sonic Team, and they could never do it. What was it that Sonic was missing?

Apparently, siblings and shitty music.



Yes, the story of Sonic Underground is that Sonic and his two siblings, Manic, the green punk rox hedgehog, and Sonia, the pink hedgehog, are fighting Dr. Robotnik all acrossed Mobius using their wisecracking antics, and the ability to manifest musical instruments out of the necklaces they wear. They're also apparently looking for their mother, who is completely absent, yet was able to meet up with every fucking character in the show just before Sonic and his sibs could make it there. I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.

Funfact: there are very few pictures of these people on the internet, outside of fan art. I am serious, fucking fan art outnumbers the amount of real photos from the TV show. So I'm using the shittiest fan art I can find for each one.



Manic, the drummer in this Freedom Fighter band of failure, was one of those 90s extreme characters. He said things like "rad" and "dude" and seemed like a bit of a pothead hedgehog, hence the green fur. The problem with this is that, if the show was made in the early 90s, this would have been acceptable. However, the show was made in 1999. The idea of a laidback rad dude was so lame and old that the flesh had been long picked away from the bones.



Sonia, Sonic's sister, played a keytar. That's right, a fucking keytar. She also has a redneck accent, and it's never explained that although the triplets are raised in the same time and at the same place, none of them have an accent that is similar. I'll touch on the reasons why for this in a bit. Her voice will make you want to kill yourself though, seriously.



And then we have Sonic. He plays the guitar. And sings. When he runs, he has two white circles on the side of his body, indicating his feet are moving fast. It just looks awkward and hilarious. I really have nothing to add about Sonic other than he's pathetic and makes a lot of shitty one liners."



That's not all though, as Knuckles also makes an appearance in the show. He helps the hedgehog kids fight Robotnik or some shit. I really have no idea and I couldn't care less. Instead of punching like he does in EVERY game, he moves his hands really fast until they become the same white circles Sonic's feet turn into. Apparently he's punching so fast its a blur, I guess thats the effect they were going for anyway. Unfortunately it just looks like he's a retard who's got the entirety of his arms encased in a giant white cast. For shame, "Knuck."

All I got from the story was that they go around and fight Robotnik. At the end of every episode they sing a shitty song that is like a moral lesson kids can learn if they haven't smashed their skull into the television yet like I would.

[embed]72015:8423[/embed]

Does Sonic's voice sound familiar to you? I'm not surprised. Mr. Steve Urkel himself, Jaleel White, does the voice of Sonic in this show, like he did the previous two animated shows. The greatest part is, not only does he play Sonic, he plays both of his siblings as well.

That's right, Urkel does the voice of a female redneck hedgehog, and not only does the voice, but SINGS like that as well. Urkel harmonizes with himself in such a shitty way that it's almost amazing. This is the only reason I can assume they gave the sister a redneck accent, because Urkel isn't the greatest at voicework, and they had to come up with some way to make each character seem vocally different. So bring on the hick voice, Sonia! Not only that, but the wiki page for the show states that in some episodes, DiC was able to actually get Sean fucking Connery to do the voice of the trio's great grandfather. You're the man now, hedgehog!

Something that is never really explained in this series is where the hell their parents really are. They have this thin subplot throughout all the episodes that they are searching for their mother, but there is never mention of a father. Ever.

So I can only assume they were born without a father. In other words, the Sonic Triplets are also probably capable of becoming Jedis, too. And as crazy as this fucking show is, I wouldn't have put it past them to try to do just that in season three.


Image courtesy of the amazing Agent MOO

That's right, season three. What's hilarious is that they actually made forty episodes. FORTY fucking episodes of this crap. Two seasons worth of episodes. Who the hell honestly watched this? I remember when I was a kid hearing about it, and considering maybe seeing it, but I never did. Seriously though, the fact that enough people saw this crap to warrant making forty god damn episodes makes me die even more inside, and if you know me, there's not much left to die.

The craziest thing of all is that this show has a very rabid fan base. If you browse google you see countless fan pages for all three characters. I don't get it, and I probably never will. I also don't understand dressing up like a squirrel with a dickhole in the back and getting pounded away on by another person dressed as a wolf. I guess I'm just old fashioned like that.

Anyway, this concludes WTF #1, but before I go, I leave you with this:


[embed]72015:8425[/embed]   read


7:20 AM on 02.16.2008

Jack Thompson is a Cunt, Also Comments In Video Game Blogs.



Jacky boy, you really need to get laid.

We all know about his quick to blame video game agenda at NIU, because honestly, that's all he can ever do, but now the man has become even more hilarious.

On a recent post that Kotaku made concerning Jacky's stupidity-fueled appearance on Fox News, at 6 am this morning Jack actually RESPONDED to the 100-plus commenters, calling Brian Crecente a moron, and linking to a post by the New York Post (and such a great source for information the New York Post is) which states that the killer, Steven Kazmierczak, trained on Counterstrike for this event four years ago in college.

You know what's interesting though, Jacky boy? If you google search for any other news sites claiming the same information, you turn up thousands of pages, yet only ONE blames video games.

And which one is that? The New York Post.

If this was true, don't you think that other news sites and companies would have picked up on it and done there own spin of it? Hell, we ALL know Fox News has an agenda for showing fabrication, especially when it comes to video games, but not even they have picked up on it, short of allowing your pudgy, insane, would-scare-children face to blah blah blah for five minutes.

You know what they do state, however? That Steven Kazmierczak did suffer from mental problems, and had been taking medication. They also state that he stopped taking those medications prior to the shooting. So why don't we burn down hospitals and murder psychologists for putting him on the medication in the first place. I'm sure Tom Cruise would just LOVE to help you out on that last bit.

You are a scumsucking asshole, Mr. Thompson. Do us all a favor and leave our favorite hobby alone. There is no credible proof that ANY information from you, or the New York Post (which their post sounds almost verbatim like the information you said on Fox News. Hm, did you tip them off there, Jacky boy?), and all you're doing is making yourself look more and more like a jackass every single day.

I pray to god you read this. I really do. It would make my day to see the great and honorable Thompson boohoo and try to sue me for a remark I make on the internets, of all fucking places.

[Via Kotaku, he is commenter #130]   read


6:40 AM on 02.14.2008

A Tribute To The Greatest Couple of All Time

Throughout the years we have seen countless couples. From the page, to the big screen, to our video games, love is a very endearing factor in just about every facet of entertainment and culture. That being said, who is the greatest couple of all time? Mario and Peach? Fuck that. Wanderer and his horse? Only if you're mexican. Link and Zelda? Pretty sure one of them is gay.

No, none of these "couples" embody the true meaning of love. They're always one castle away, or you're riding them bareback.

But do not fret my loyal Communitoid™, for there is but one couple who completely capture the true meaning of love and companionship.

That couple is...



What other couple in history is so uniquely suited for one another as these two? None of the other classes really work all that real well together, and granted, the Medic CAN heal other people...



...but why would he want to when he has this loud, powerful, dominating hunk of man to protect him?

The Medic provides health for the Heavy to do what the Heavy does best, kill things. In return, the medic is provided an opportunity to assist with killing far more enemies then he ever could do on his own, and also help to ensure victory for their team, if the Uber is charged up in time.




And that brings me to yet another point as to why these two are so perfect: the Ubercharge. This is TF2's version of commitment, and I don't mean "sorry the phone startled me and I forgot to pull out" kind of commitment (Hi Mom and Dad!). I mean a real, powerful, amazing commitment between you and yours.

The Uber takes a while to charge. A relationship takes a while to mature. In between you will be faced with adversity, separation, and possibly death. If you can suffer through the hardships long enough, however, you are treated to something truly amazing, and it's definitely something you never get tired of. Now am I talking about relationships, or am I still talking about Ubercharge?

Seriously, I can't remember which one I was talking about.



The Heavy and the Medic need each other too, and that's key. Does Mario really need Peach? He's yet to even try to enter her pipes! CJ didn't need Denise, which is why he capped her ass. Cloud and Aeris? That bitch is an easy, dirty whore. The Medic and the Heavy are fine on their own, but together they can be nearly unstoppable. This is why I feel that the Heavy and the Medic are the best video game couple in gaming history.



The point is, my friends, maybe today you'll be spending it with someone you love, or maybe you'll be spending it naked and crying in the bathtub. For those in the former, treat that someone you love as if they were at 85 percent charged and you only have one control point left to take. Take care of them, and don't let no sneaky fuckin' spy ruin your killstreak I WAS AT 15 KILLS IN A ROW YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE! JESUS CHRIST!

And if you're naked and crying in the bathtub, remember if God loved you, he wouldn't have made you so horribly unattractive and unappealing to the opposite sex.

Happy Valentine's Day Destructoid, and don't forget:



Love, Tazar

PS: Yes, I know Zero Punctuation beat me to the punch (slight pun intended), but I've had this idea for two weeks now. So fuck the hell off.   read


10:58 AM on 02.06.2008

MIDDAY LULZ™: Robots Can't Act starring Mr. Dtoid's cousin

No embed on this one sadly, but it's rather humourous. Robots act out a very memorable scene from Pulp Fiction. It also stars Dtoid's cousin, who I've affectionately named Nippletoid, as Brad

Click here to watch

And for added lulz™, more FatalFarm genius:

[embed]68829:7685[/embed]   read


8:38 PM on 02.05.2008

Dear Mr. Kokomo

I love Concelmo. I just have to get that out of the way.

Okay now, on to what the point of this blog is.

Kokomo my dear awesome friend, as everyone knows, you have an unbelievably strong love for all things dolphin. With this in mind, while I was at work today I noticed this:





Yes, he's humping my speaker.


(The message is a fucking lol and a half.)

As soon as I saw it I knew I had to purchase it. This crazy looking dolphin valentine's stuffed animal I have affectionately named Ecco-mo(get it? Ecco the Dolphin? Your nickname? God I kill me.)

Anyway, I want to give this to you. If you could hit me up with an email at theswagga (at) gmail (dot) com I would love to ship this out to you.

Sincerely,

Taza...uh...Taazzarooti...Tayzonda...fuck I don't even remember my own god damn name.   read


  Around the web (login to improve these)




Back to Top


We follow moms on   Facebook  and   Twitter
  Light Theme      Dark Theme
Pssst. Konami Code + Enter!
You may remix stuff our site under creative commons w/@
- Destructoid means family. Living the dream, since 2006 -