Associate Editor for Tomopop.com Still, Destructoid's Number One Awesome Bad Ass guy thing...that went to Cancun.
Name: Tazar "Tha Yoot" Tha Yoot
Blood Type: Jazzy Neapolitan
Fighting Style: Irish Wobble and then fall down drunk
Favorite Stance: "Anal sex is still safer then regular sex"
Weapon of choice: by Fatboy Slim
Drug of choice: You know that smell of socks that haven't been washed for years, and have been worn by the same fat steel mill worker for years and years and years. And then you take those socks and you douse them in kerosene and feed them to a large quad-pedal animal (my personal preference: Hulk Hogan), and then subsequently rip them out of the stomach through the rib cage of said animal, and then slather them in mayonaise and leave them in the sun for several days?
That's not a drug, that's just silly.
1st Alternate Drug of choice: Hamsters
2nd Alternate Drug of choice: The Jazz Stylings of Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass
Favorite Book: Def Jam's How to be a Player: The Abridged Version
Favorite Movies: Gonorrhea
Favorite Game: Failing at life.
Weakness: Favorite writer: Paris Hilton
Current room status: "Fucking Mansion"
Mood: GOD DAMMIT I TOLD YOU NOT TO SLAM THE DOOR.
French President Nicolas Sarkozy: Man of the people. Fan of Counterstrike.
PARIS, FRANCE: Previously I reported about the formation of The Coalition of the Gaming Masses Who No Longer Wish To Fight Amongst Each Other and Find a New Scapegoat to Hate, a group of gamer fanboys who have united as one to declare a holy "l33t-had" on John Romero, developer of the early 90's guts-and-gore filled game Doom, and late 90's abortion Daikatana.
Shocking news has just now surfaced that John Romero is being aided by the PC Gaming Coalition, a group of PC gaming enthusiasts (read: fanboys) who are deadset on saving their beloved messiah. The most shocking relevation of all, however, is that the entire French Army (all twelve of them) are joining in with the PC Gamers in fighting the console threat.
"Ve are pretty French sometimes," says French President Nicolas Sarkozy. "Ve like to be cheeky, ve like to drink wine, and ve like our PC games. John Romero es very much like us, and as such, we are fighting to protect him from ze vile console gamers."
Thousands upon thousands of the "PC Gaming 3l33t," as they are referring to themselves, have armed themselves to the teeth to fight their console gaming foes. Head leaders in the PC Gaming Coalition are confident they will be able to defeat their enemies on the battlefield.
"It's very well known that PC gamers are far more adept in combat then console gamers shall ever be," says a PC enthusiast only known as "Dyslixic." "Everyone knows that PC gamers have the edge because of our expertise in building our own gaming rigs, as well as the fact that we have more precise aiming skills from our years of using a mouse, which is clearly a far more accurate control then analog sticks will ever be."
A representative for CGMWNLWTFAEOFNSH could not be reached for comment. Stick with FOXToid for continuing updates.
Pictured: Members of the Nintendo Party of CGMWNLWTFAEOFNSH training for a "Search and Destroy Romero" Operation in the Middle East.
Redmond, WA: Shock and Awe-mazing news coming down the pipeline today, and FOXToid is your one and ONLY source for this exclusive news.
April 1st, 2008 will be a day that will be remembered by all those leftist bastard gamers for the rest of their lives. It was announced today that fanboys for Microsoft, Sony, and Nintendo have thrown down their flame cannon and held up the olive branch of peace. The Coalition of the Gaming Masses Who No Longer Wish To Fight Amongst Each Other and Find a New Scapegoat to Hate (or CGMWNLWTFAEOFNSH for short) was formed today on the front steps of Nintendo of America. A representative of each fan group was in attendance to announce the Ceasefire between message boards.
"We have realized that we have been fighting the wrong enemy this entire time," says SuMizzle, a former fanboy of Sony and now a head member of CGMWNLWTFAEOFNSH. "For nearly a decade this war has been waged for all the wrong reasons, pitting brother against brother, e-girlfriend against e-boyfriend. Today we now realize who the real enemy is."
That enemy, they have claimed, is John Romero, designer of such games as Commander Keen, Doom, and Daikatana, the latter of which CGMWNLWTFAEOFNSH is citing as the reason for their war.
"For the last twenty years, we have been fighting over which one of our fellow man has the greater system. In that same amount of time, John Romero has created schlock such as Daikatana and Red Faction for the Nokia N-gage," says Adam "Blindside" Dork, a member of the Nintendo party. "For these reasons, we have called upon Mr. Romero a l33t-had. We have the belief that the great gaming gods, Miyamoto, Allard, and Harai, will help to deliver this infidel to justice."
Since news of this Console Alliance has been released, John Romero has gone into hiding. Reports are coming in saying that Romero was possibly identified in a Houston airport booking a flight to Romania.
We should have known better than to allow gamers to assemble en masse. I've always said that eventually they will unite and wage a holy war against someone instead of growing up and getting a real job like I did. They'll never learn, but we already knew that they were nothing more then sad, disgusting losers who live in their parent's basements. Unlike me.
I live in the upstairs guest room.
Stay tuned for FOXToid for future updates on this crisis.
FOXTOID: WE BLAME. YOU'RE TOO LAZY TO CHANGE YOUR OPINION.
The porn industry struck back at EA and Bioware's Space RPG title Mass Effect today because of it's use of "rampant, unprotected, unsolicited sex with humans and aliens."
"This is just wrong, and completely unfair," says the guy who made all of those World of Whorecraft movies. "I mean, my whole career is based around making porno based off video games for pathetic, lonely nerds to jerk off too, but thanks to Mass Effect and its fuck shots, there's nothing I can parody that they haven't already seen!"
Not only was that one guy pissed off, but about three dozen or so B list porno celebrities were upset that they aren't going to be able to put "the blue alien chick who does DVDA" on their acting resumes. "I've done a lot of roles in my career," says Trixxxie Suxxxalot (misspellings = sexiness), star of game-based pornographic films, such as Crash Inhercoot, Super Monkey Balls in my Vagina #31, and Pong: The Musical Porno, "but playing a blue alien that gets fucked is a dream of mine, and I'm very disappointed that thanks to the sex scenes in Mass Effect I'll never get the chance!"
"I already had a name and a plotline picked out," said that creepy director guy again. "Instead of the obvious Ass Effect, I wanted to try something a bit edgier. I was gonna go with Mass Erect, get it? Obviously with a name like that, we were gonna have a whole group gangbang of different alien races. It was gonna be a porno, sure, but it was also gonna be a message of hope and tolerance in an otherwise racist and bigoted world."
Neither EA nor Bioware have commented at this time, but some guy I met at the local Lion's Den said "I'll whack off to anything."
Stay tuned to FOXTOID for all the latest schlock that rocks.
This version of the Tirade is not so much me bitching about shit that pisses me off, as I have already addressed that once today. No, this tirade is aimed simply at recounting what little I remember from this past weekend's amazing NARP that was had here in the shitacular state of Michigan. What follows is a tirade full of anecdotes and some ranting, so be sure to pull up a comfortable chair and your favorite snack and/or beverage.
The NARP really started for me on Friday, as I had to drive to pick up Cheeburga from where he lives east of me, then start the trek north toward Grim's house.
As most of you may or may not know, I am not a native of Michigan. I have lived in Louisiana all my life up until the last few years, and did not see my first snowfall until about two years ago. I hate the snow with a fevered vengeance, so you can understand my frustration when I woke up Friday morning to the realization that it had A) been snowing all night and B) it was going to be snowing all day. If you read the previous posts, you know my car is, for a lack of better words, a piece of shit. Driving in the snow is so hard, and the slightest bit of speed over the "sweet spot" sends my car in a death spin.
Driving to Chee's, I noticed five cars strewn along the highway that had spun out and landed in the ditch. It was not very helpful for me to see this as I made my way to Chee's city. Luckily, my car made it no problem, although I got lost twice trying to get to his house.
Dear Michigan: make fucking street signs that are fucking visible from the road. Also, fuck you.
I pull up to Chee's driveway and see him peering out his front door like he's waiting for his package from the cock of the month club. I have to admit I didn't know what to think of Chee at first. The kid wears girl pants for fucks sake.
But Cheeburga is an amazing kid. He's funny and fun to talk to, and he actually likes good music. The fact that I didn't throw him out of my car at any point during the trip should be proof positive enough that Chee is awesome.
After a quick pit stop at the local 7-11 to get my Friday drank (MT DEW AND CHERRY SLURPEE FTW!), we were on our way for a three hour trip to Grim's house...
...and got lost again...twice.
Once again, fuck you Michigan. Mark your roads and your fucking detours so that people can SEE them. Because of your bullshit, we almost went off of a huge fuckoff bridge that was closed. WE COULD HAVE FUCKING DIED!
Anyway, after we found our way again, we finally got to Grim's house. Grim's house is amazing, and so are his parents. His mom treated us like royalty, and made us the best cookies ever, and amazing nacho cheese salsa.
We played some Rock Band, helped Grim out on skate.(because he sucks at it), and watched the Thing on HDDVD.
We also played Dynamite Cop on the Dreamcast. If anyone can remember that game, you know how amazingly bad it was. I used to love the game as a kid, but holy shit, this was terrible, and has not aged well as all.
Grim has like twenty HD DVD's. lawl.
Grim is a super quiet dude but fucking awesome as hell. Seriously, I love Grim.
We fell asleep around 1 am, and got up at about 9 am. After watching a little bit of Family Guy, Grim's mom made us some AMAZING cinnamon rolls. She is amazing.
We were back on the road at by 10ish and on our way to pick up Aertyr and CannibalCalvin. Aertyr is like nine feet tall and reminds me of the Giant from that Billy Crystal movie, When Harry Met Sally. Calvin is amazing, and so is Aertyr.
After we picked them up, we drove back to Grim's house (because Cheeburga fails and can't remember to bring his fucking jacket anywhere), we were finally on our way to Lark's.
Highlights of this trek:
+Calvin and Cheeburga are connoisseurs of drawing dicks on Pictochat. That was also the ONLY reason Pictochat was ever created.
+Michigan still sucks.
+Birds in Michigan are the dumbest mother fuckers on earth. Seriously. If you see a car coming at you, YOU DO NOT FUCKING DRIVE DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF IT. ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU JUST LEFT THE SAME SPOT YOU FLEW BACK INTO 10 SECONDS EARLIER.
+Aertyr likes taking pictures.
After five long hours, and two times when taking the wrong exit and/or missing the exit, we finally arrived at Lark's house. NihonTiger had gotten there just minutes prior.
Lark scared the shit out of me at first. He has this beard that made me think he was going to rape us. No offense Lark, you were a really cool guy, but holy shit my butthole clenched up.
NihonTiger is a nerd. But in a good way.
We immediately clear the top of a broken tv, placed a working tv on top of it, and started up on the Rock Bands. And a lot of Rock Bands was to be had. I sang for almost the entirety. Seriously, I can barely speak right now because of all the singing I did Saturday.
Highlights of Lark's house:
+Asian Joe was at the narp, and he is my bestest friend!
+Brawl does fucking suck. Fuck that game.
+Crazy dog looks like Wishbone. Wishbone, if he were a psycho dog who would tear your throat out.
+Lark's brother and nephew are also batshit insane.
+Michiana is a fucking stupid name for the border of Michigan and Indiana.
+Rizer Glen was missed terribly.
+Kwaselow's lolcat speech of why he couldn't attend was lolarious.
+Lark's wife is nonexistant. Seriously, I was screaming and singing my head off, and I never saw her once.
+Brawl really fucking sucks.
+You can never go fast enough. You must always go FASTER FASTER FASTERFASTERFASTER!
+Dtoid Stickam = Reboot and Sonic porn.
+Chad Concemo riding a dolphin is infact the background to my Xbox Live blades, and it will be like that until the end of time.
+Fuck you Brawl.
+Cheeburga can't comprehend MST3K.
+SUPER SMASH BROS BRAWL IS A PIECE OF SHIT. DO NOT BUY.
So Sunday morning we all headed out for the long trek home. Lark's dog chased us down the road for a good fifty feet, which was fucking creepy. We stopped at an Applebee's halfway between Grim and Lark's house. Highlights of Applebees:
+They can't get my order right.
+The waitress almost lost her shit when I was talking about fajitas.
+Bowling is a terribly boring sport. Whoever watches that shit is either in a catatonic state, or severely retarded.
+Every one of us ordered cheeburgas. Every one of us ordered our cheeburgas by saying "I want the cheeburgas..."
+I am quite knowledgeable of teh vagina.
After Applebee's, we pulled out Grim's ipod and noticed he had a lot of REALLY AWESOMELY BAD SHITTY MUSIC.
We spent the entirety of our trip singing in unison to all the songs, including, but not limited to: Ocean Avenue, Welcome to the Black Parade, a shitload of No Doubt, a bunch of Queen songs, Trapt, Linkin Park, Staind, Sum 41, etc etc etc.
We dropped off Grim, Calvin, and Aertyr at their homes, and then it was just me and Cheeburga left.
We listened to the Lost Odyssey soundtrack until my mp3 player battery died. The Lost Odyssey soundtrack is incredible. It will make you want to play Final Fantasy VII all over again. Go buy Lost Odyssey.
Once my mp3 player died, we plugged Chee's DS into my car adaptor and listened to the sultry sounds of a Bidoof in heat from Pokemon Diamond. At about 6 pm I dropped Chee off at his house, and started my trek home. I got home around 7 pm last night, brought all my stuff in, and lol'd at cheeburga eating a cheeburga.
This weekend was one of the greatest weekends of my life. I seriously love everyone who I hung out with to death, and hope that we can hang out again real soon.
I know nobody is going to read this, but I just wanted to put my perspective on the trip. It was amazing guys!
My good friend Grim just showed me this article by the Daily Texan's Hudson Lockett. Lockett poo poo's all over Gametrailers TV, stating the show is full of misinformation and is completely unorganized, yet manages to shit all over himself in presenting any proof to his claim that the show is such.
In the article, he says that Gametrailers TV is a "bad show, paved with good intentions." If he were talking about the stupid non-gaming bitch of a cohost that Keighley has on the show with him, I'd be willing to agree, but instead Lockett says that the thirty minute game show fails to "encapsulate relevant gaming news and analysis."
Okay, I'm game Mr. Lockett (if that is your real name, it sure does sound like a spiffy fake name, like Jim Sterling or I used to be on Road Rules). Let me know what, in your opinion, makes Gametrailers TV a mega failure.
While commentary comes from generally respectable sources, some appear uninformed about certain subjects. Shane Satterfield, editor-in-chief of Gametrailers.com, is particularly noteworthy.
No one buys the Wii as their primary console," Satterfield said of Nintendo's popular platform, ignoring the company's appeal to a demographic that doesn't usually play video games. Satterfield insisted that the Wii is bought largely in addition to competing consoles rather than on its own.
Okay...so your argument is that because an EDITOR has an EDITORIAL OPINION, he is wrong?
My fair Communitoid, I ask you this: how many of you own ONLY a Wii? How many of you consider the Wii to be your PRIMARY (read: most played video game system on a weekly basis overall) game system. Nintendo fanboys need not apply, I already know what you're going to say.
Alright, so one strike so far, Mr. Lockett. Let's see what else you've got.
Meanwhile, the show's featured previews are essentially ads. A segment for "MLB '08: The Show" adeptly points out, "Baseball wouldn't be baseball without the teams, players and stadiums." Perhaps most telling is the narrator's suggestion that the game will drop "just in time for the new season." Each preview also points to more substantial coverage at the program's partner site, Gametrailers.com.
Uh...so is this an argument? You're saying they fail because they preview games, and tell people to go to their site to watch more content? Thank god you're on the scene, Matlock!
How could a preview of a video game be anything other than a fucking ad for the game? The point of a preview is to allow consumers to see the game before it comes out, give them what the game hopes to achieve gameplay and etc wise at retail, and then allow the consumer to decide for themselves whether or not they want to buy the game. Had it been a REVIEW, I'm sure it would have featured a grading scale comparable to stars 1 to 5, or llama's balancing on a ball, whatever your feeble mind needs to process information of whether a game is bad or not.
Also, they TEND to release sports games near the start of that particular game's season. You know, when the most rabid fan is willing to buy whatever assorted goodie there is out there that is associated with their beloved team. That's called a marketing strategy, Mr. Lockett. If they released a baseball game during football season, the game would probably not sell very well, I would imagine.
Thirdly, the show is, as you already stated, thirty minutes long. Obviously they can't fit EVERYTHING they want about the game into the show, otherwise they wouldn't have time for anything else. Also, considering Gametrailers.com came BEFORE Gametrailers TV, why the hell wouldn't they link to their own damn site? I'm sure your business card reads "Jackass, Journalist for Dailytexanonline.com." Or do you just bring printed out versions of everything you've ever written everywhere with you, so people don't have to fully research your bullshit on their own?
Okay, so that's two strikes, Mr. Lockett. Your closing paragraph is about how Keighley is a "competent proponent of video games as a respectable medium." (unlike you, who is a competent example of why children shouldn't eat paint chips as a child) Then you poopoo on his show by using his own quote about Mass Effect to sum up. Brilliant, I'm sure you were on the Dean's list at whatever technical school you attended to get your writing degree. (DeVry FTW!)
So that leaves us with two strikes though, doesn't it? What could I possibly come up with to add for the final three strikes?
Your third and final strike has to do with that picture you used to accompany your article. What the fuck does it have to do with anything? EA and Rockstar are never mentioned once, not even Best Buy is mentioned. Nor pricing, alphabetical order in retail stores, games you wish you could play if you didn't have the intellect of a marmoset. I don't get it, and I'm sure you don't either. Thank god for the subquote to explain to me what the fuck it was, but even then, why use it? Did you just buy a new camera that day and that was the first picture you took with it? You're a regular fucking Savant, but even he can read better than you.
Mr. Lockett, three strikes and you're out. If you were trying to encapsulate relevant reporting of a television show about gaming, or wanted to comment on video game tv shows and how they confuse you with their bright colors and talking hosts, you failed on both accounts. I blame your breakneck pacing and unfocused format for it.