I finally finished playing through Mass Effect after spending nearly 27 hours with it, the most amount of time I've put into a game since FFIX. I really hated the game at first.

Correction...I still hate this game. I've never experienced more bugs in any game. Hell, I found more bugs in this game then I found in Assassin's Creed in the 14 hours I put into it. Something I realized early on, however, was that no matter how much I bitched and complained about this game, I still kept playing it. It was like a fifty year old marriage. All there was left was complaining and regrets of choices past, but you've been with it so long you may as well continue until the very bitter end.

Something else I noticed early on in this game were the women. All three of them. They became my most trusted allies, and I'd take them on every mission with me.

The reason?

I wanted to make sweet, dirty monkey love to them.

Don't judge me. Everyone who played this game felt the same way I did. The first time you saw Ashley out of her armor, you wanted to know what kind of girl she was in the anti-gravity bed. When you saw T'soni hanging 10 feet in the air, incapable of moving, you know, deep down, you thought to yourself ah yeah...it's business time.

And Tali...well...she was a crazy bitch in a helmet, but I digress.

The biggest complaint of all that I had with this game was the "romantic" story arcs. Or, specifically, how god damn hard it was to get these crazy broads in the sack. Flying through the galaxy as the one and only savior is all well and good, but what good is it to me if I can’t use my prestige and rank to get some sweet space booty.

And now, a breakdown of my quest for space ass.

Warning: Spoilers ahead. Don’t read if you don’t want to ruin your gaming experience. Be sure to comment anyway.


Ashley Williams



Ashley you first meet after answering a distress signal from Eden Prime, your first mission in the game. She replaces Jenkins, Mass Effect’s version of a Star Trek red shirt. From the very beginning you can tell she’s tough, strong-willed, and a good soldier. If you are as studious as I am, however, you discovered something else as well:



That chick is FINE!

So you continue throughout the game, discovering Saren’s evil plans yadda yadda yadda, but all the while, you keenly keep your eye on the hard talkin’, ass kickin’ Ashley. Hell, even her sister wants a piece of you.

But she doesn’t give it up.

Instead, she bores you with information you know you don’t give two shits about (Really, your father was a solider, eh? Your whole family for the most part are Alliance soldiers? No kidding..zzz). Her sister can kick a sixteen year old kid’s ass, her grandfather made a lot of mistakes, and Ashley is into God.

Like, really into God, and she wants to know if you are too. Which basically means, if you don’t say yes, you ain’t getting any.

Seriously, this game teaches you lying to women is okay if it gets them in bed with you.

The whole time I’m fighting through her dialogue trees, I realize this is worse then real life. Can’t I just get you drunk? I’m sure a few mixed daiquiri’s will get you to open up, biblically speaking.

The other thing that drives you to lie to this girl? She’s probably wild in bed. You can tell from the way she talks about combat, she’s crazy in the sack.

Later on, several missions and ass-saving later (her ass, of course), you get faced with a moral dilemma. There’s about to be a nuclear explosion, and you only have time to save one of your crew: Ashley, or Kaidan.

Fuck Kaidan. Seriously, I never used that guy and he was always so bitchy. Not as bitchy as Ashley, but I wasn’t trying to have sex with Kaidan…or was I?


seriously, somebody else made this, not me. i love the internet

So Kaidan dies, and Ashley blames herself for his death. You tell her, of course, it was your choice, implying that you chose her over him because you are the commander, never once hinting to her that the reason was because you wanted to debrief her later on.

Actually, why even just think it? Honestly, I saved your ass to get your ass. If you don’t give it up, I’m going to shoot you out the airlock.

And, of course, she doesn’t. She constantly tries to be the martyr and an all around annoying bitch.

Ashley, while hot, and probably satisfying in the sack, is just too much emotional baggage for one man, let alone one man who also has to single-handedly save the entire universe. She’s a crazy bitch.

Liara T’soni


Liara is first introduced to you after you become a member of Spectre. She is the daughter of the Asari Matricarch who is helping Saren in finding the Conduit. You find out she was last seen on Artemus Tau investigating a Prothean excavation site. Once you reach the site you find her behind a barrier, but the creation of the barrier has frozen her in midair, unable to move.

I was put off by Liara, at first. Mostly because she is a blue alien, but also because she’s one of those sciency girls I avoided in high school because they were just too nerdy for my taste.

Once you rescue her and start using her in your team, you realize how in tuned she is with the universe (read: space hippie), and her Biotic skills make her a valuable asset to your team.

She’s also got a real nice, big, alien ASSet. Get it? Asset as in it’s useful, but I’m really talking about her butt! So witty!

Through boring and completely uninteresting dialogue trees, you eventually discover the following:

A) Liara is 106 years old.

B) Liara is a virgin.

C) She can have sex with anything, man or woman, no matter what species.

This is already turning out to be an amazing catch; however, just like Ashley, you have to really struggle with her self-doubt bullshit before you can get anywhere with her. From experience, usually those kind of girls just need a back handed compliment to get them eating out of your hands (For example: “You’re not that fat for a girl your age, are you?”), but not Liara. She tells you she wants to get it on with you, directly, but that she’s scared and wants to take it slow. In other words, no ding ding without a wedding ring.

Sigh. Seriously. This is a pain. In GTA you could just pick up any chick and for about twenty dollars get your health refilled (killing her and getting your money back afterwards is optional). In Fable all you had to do was flex your muscles and buy a house and the women would be all over you, several times. In Lord of the Rings Online you can marry anyone provided they’re not the same gender (lol), but in this game you have to actually work to get anywhere. If I wanted a relationship, I’d go out and get one. This a videogame dammit!

So, anyway, you continue along with painfully boring dialogue trees that lead to nowhere up until the very end of the game, where you are practically stripped of your command and docked via the Council on the Citadel.

Now, for me, I focused more on Liara then Ashley, mostly because Liara wasn’t as batshit insane as Ashley is, so I got the romance arc done with Liara. I’ve heard from others that if I had been more considerate of Ashley’s feelings, however, I’d probably have gotten her instead.

After you retreat back to your ship and proceed to throw a temper tantrum, Liara comforts you. As you are about to get your mack on with her (finally!), Chris Griffin interrupts you and tells you that you have a meeting with your former commander (total cockblock). Once you meet with the former commander, and you escape the Citadel, you are treated to a cutscene of hot, dirty loving with Liara.

I have to admit, the scene is pretty hot. No nudity, obviously, but you do get to see blue ass, which is fine by me. Afterwards, Liara, overwhelmed, compliments you on how amazing you are (again, not like real life, where afterwards I crouch in the corner and cry). From there, you go on to finish the game.

Tali…Tali Nora…Tali uh…Sayanora…uh…whatever the hell her name is


How the hell do you have sex with her? Seriously, she wears a helmet, and from what I can tell, never takes off her armor. Not only that, but Her entire race of people are the universe’s version of the manatee. Everyone just point and laugh at the Quarians. Blah blah blah I get it your people were driven out of your planet by god damn robots. Yadda yadda yadda you have to love in a flotilla because of it whatever. I get it. Go back to looking at the shiny zero matter.

Anyway, I know this was a long post, but I’ve been wanting to write about it for awhile. Mass Effect is a pretty decent game, but try not to get too involved with the women of the game.

They're fucking crazy, I swear to god.