Associate Editor for Tomopop.com Still, Destructoid's Number One Awesome Bad Ass guy thing...that went to Cancun.
Name: Tazar "Tha Yoot" Tha Yoot
Blood Type: Jazzy Neapolitan
Fighting Style: Irish Wobble and then fall down drunk
Favorite Stance: "Anal sex is still safer then regular sex"
Weapon of choice: by Fatboy Slim
Drug of choice: You know that smell of socks that haven't been washed for years, and have been worn by the same fat steel mill worker for years and years and years. And then you take those socks and you douse them in kerosene and feed them to a large quad-pedal animal (my personal preference: Hulk Hogan), and then subsequently rip them out of the stomach through the rib cage of said animal, and then slather them in mayonaise and leave them in the sun for several days?
That's not a drug, that's just silly.
1st Alternate Drug of choice: Hamsters
2nd Alternate Drug of choice: The Jazz Stylings of Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass
Favorite Book: Def Jam's How to be a Player: The Abridged Version
Favorite Movies: Gonorrhea
Favorite Game: Failing at life.
Weakness: Favorite writer: Paris Hilton
Current room status: "Fucking Mansion"
Mood: GOD DAMMIT I TOLD YOU NOT TO SLAM THE DOOR.
Forza 2 used to be one of my favorite games. It looks spectacular, the car customizations are nearly limitless, and playing with friends online can be a blast, whether it's serious competition, or it's crashing into each other at breakneck speeds. Notice that I used the term used to be in that opening sentence. Forza 2 became my least favorite game yesterday night, second only to Gears of War. Allow me to recount my sorrow.
It's been a really boring night, folks. Tuesdays usually are, and due to a scheduling screw up at my job, I had the night off. Since I was originally intending to work, I had made no plans, so I basically sat at home with nothing but my Xbox to keep me company. I figured I'd do what I usually do; play some games with Snaileb and the rest of the regular Dtoid crew until early in the morning, and then I'd pass out.
Snaileb, as unreliable as he always is, was nowhere to be found. Bahamut, BSD, DJ Duffy, everyone was busy or not online, so there I was, left alone with no one to play with. I'm sure you've had this problem before, you have ton of games you can play, but none of them really pique your interest at the current moment in time. I already had sworn off Gears of War, Marvel is boring without friends to play with, as are most of the games in my Xbox library. I decide I'll pick up where I left off on Forza 2. After seeing the video of my DTOID car in the EBTV store videos today it rekindled my interest in the game.
I sat down and dropped it in the Xbox. After the expected update to the game finished downloading (Why is it that every game updates almost daily nowadays on Xbox Live?), I started in on continuing where I left off in career mode.
After about 4 races I finally reach the level 20 mark for my driver, which now means I can race in the Endurance races.
Something you should know is that I have never played the original Forza. I'm not much of a race game fan, but the game really strikes a chord with me. So I didn't realize that when they say it's a race simulator, they fucking mean it's a race simulator.
I start the Endurance race. It's the D class endurance challenge, and I choose my light blue 1974 Startos. It won me a few races in the past, I figured it could do me some good here. I start the race in dead last, my car being the lowest class of all the cars racing. As soon as the light went green I squeezed the right trigger and pushed my way through the first few cars to start the race in 3rd place. After about 2 laps I'm in first, with about a 5 second gap between me and the second place driver.
This race goes on for about 56 minutes. During this time not only have I kept in first place, but I have subsequently lapped all other cars by at least one lap, some cars by three laps. My tires are starting to wear considerably, but I only have 3 more laps to go, and they're only in light green/yellow, so I should be fine.
I fly through the checkpoint to start the 45th and final lap. I'm ready for this race to finish so I can stop playing and go to bed for the evening. About half way through the final lap, I notice my speed is starting to drop. Not anything horrible, just a few miles lower than what my average had been the entire race. Nothing I was really concerned about.
I entered the final few turns of the lap, and I notice my speed drop severely from about 140 to 70. What the fuck is going on... I think to myself. I'm still 3 laps ahead of everyone, so I'm not too terribly concerned.
Then from 70 to 40.
40 to 20.
20 to a complete stop.
My engine has apparently completely died on me. I can't reverse, I can't accelerate, all I can do is turn the front wheels to the right and left. My car is finished, it can't race anymore.
The worst part about this? I'm only twenty feet away from the fucking finish line. I could get out of the car and push it to the finish line, if the game would allow you to fucking do so. Unfortunately, it doesn't, and now I'm stuck here hopelessly as I watch all the other cars I had lapped and made fun of for being slow pokes 20 minutes prior, now passing me and my broke down jalopy. Forza 2 has made me it's bitch, and is teasing me with victory and 100k of in game money only 20 feet away, yet completely unobtainable.
Moral of this story, pit your fucking car. Spay or neuter your pets. Don't eat yellow snow. Take your pick, I'm pissed off and I'm fucking tired.
Fuck you Turn 10, fuck you and fuck everything you stand for.