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taterchimp avatar 10:20 PM on 06.05.2013  (server time)
Why I Hate Your Blog

You know what I hate?

Woo woo!  Hate trains coming round the cblogs!  All aboard!  This is a dumb thing I am writing because I felt like it.  I think it is half advice, half anecdote, half sours, half Jack Dagnels, and a maraschino cherry. Just kidding.  Its Red Stag.  Neat.

1.  I don’t care about your reviews

Now, I know what you are thinking when you wrote your review of Half Life 2. This is a video game website.  They post reviews all the time.  People read reviews.  All you need to do to review a game is to play it and write about it.  So why not?  Because I don’t read reviews here because there are reviews on the internet, and hey, this is on the internet.  I read the reviews here because I like to reviewers who write here.  I trust their opinion based on A. Destructoid hired them or B. I have read their reviews before and found them acceptable.  So Joe Blow from the internet saying that Call of Brony:  Zombie Infestation is the best game ever means nothing to me.  Especially since the internet, on the whole, is crazy extreme.  Plus, reviews are booooriiiinggg.  “This game has both graphics and sound.  You can shoot people with guns, and slap them with your genitals.  The story is about a guy who” - and about here I am pulling an Oedipus.  Not...banging my mom.  Gouging my eyes out.  Instead, tell me why YOU liked the game.  Tell me a story about a cool thing that happened in the game that would make me interested.  Many people have done review like things, usually in a block of games, that summarize if they were fun, and short, specific reasons why, and these blogs are some of my favorite.  Find a style that makes you stand out!

2.  You used Dr Strangelove in the Title, or How I Stopped Reading Your Blog and Started to Become an Alcoholic

Also, “On _________________" is just as bad.

3.  You apologize at the start or the end of your blog

Real talk.  Bro level.  Any time that you communicate thoughts to another human being, you receive the same piece of advice.  Writing a paper?  Debating a topic?  Stand up comedy?  Journalism?  NEVER EVER EVER apologize for your own content.  If you say “sorry, I was up late, so I didn’t think this through/couldnt check grammar/was drunk when I wrote it”, you are saying “I didn’t put any time into this, I think it sucks, please don’t read it”.  You are the writing equivalent of a girl fishing for compliments.  Tell me my blog is good guys, I’m sad and I think it sucks.  It does, you suck, I hate you, try again.  

4.  You get a million faps or comments because you blogged about something that I coulnd’t.

No seriously, I am insanely jealous of you.  Totally honest right now.  If you write about how you grew up poor/in Brazil/with a vagina, and offer some totally new perspective, I am mad that I can’t write about it.  The petty side of me thinks that you should have to write a blog as a white male between 17 and 30 with a moderate income and earn your comments.  But that is super petty of me, and thanks for sharing.  Hate the blog though.  

5.  You post a video and two paragraphs

I am going to meet you halfway here - content creation is crazy hard.  First, you have to record footage, then you have to edit it.  Next you write a script up, rehearse it, rewrite it, rehearse it, rewrite it.  Finally, you have your completed script, and you record it up against the video, and now, shoot, you have to edit the video again because it would match up better with another scene.  Oh, and you forgot to capture the scene in your script, so you have to restart.  Then you have to get a perfect take where you (and repeat after me) do not stammer, do not use placeholders, and do not have dead air.  Don’t half ass your voice over, or I will hate you even more.  Don’t monetize your video, or you can get the hell off my Dtoid.  

That whole process can take hours, spanning across multiple days.  In all honest, a five minute video is probably worth more effort than a three page blog.  That being said, write something.  Fill a bit of space.  Just posting a video feels like you are just handing us a flyer saying “watch my video”, and that you are tarting it up on other websites.  You aren’t sharing a story with us, you are promoting yourself.  And I don’t care for that.  So write something up!  Address your audience!  Have a blog that compliments your video, and a video that compliments your blog, and make the readers feel like you wrote it for them. Speaking of which, I am doing a Dark Souls lets play.....

Ahh...the old Serbian Double Bluff

6.  You use the terms Micro$oft, $ony, Vitriol, slap in the face, or “game”


7.  I have ADD, use pictures.

A wall of text is a horrible sight.  Back in the 1900's, there was a great wall separating half of Berlin, and I'm pretty sure Mr Gorbachev tore it down with a wrecking ball like Wreck it Ralph which starred Sarah Silverman.  Really?  And she totally did a nude scene in some movie, which is kind of weird.  Where was I?  Oh yeah.

8.  You don’t agree with my exact stance on a hot button issue

9.  You didn't check your blog after you wrote it

New way of writing blogs occasionally messes up the tags.  This results in teeny tiny text you can't read, videos that don't exist, broken images.  Do some QA on your blog before you shove it out there.  Don't just type it up quick like and publish and hope for the best.  If you don't take the time to read it after you wrote it, why the hell should I?  If a tag doesn't work?  Fix it or remove it.  Gasp!

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