is a pretty decent breakfast food with one major drawback: It isn’t bacon.
I know that there are a lot of concerns with regular bacon, just to name a few: price, calories, not being kosher, so it seems only natural to want to substitute it with something a little bit cheaper in an effort to try and liven up your breakfast and/or 3AM drunken pancakes.
Turkey Bacon (breakfast, lunch, dinner [reviewed])
Producer: Oscar Mayer
Rig: GE 5.3 cu ft Glass top stove, Chefmate 6 ½ inch skillet, OXO tongs
Probably the biggest problem that turkey bacon has is that when you eat it, you really are expecting the full bacon experience. So think for a minute what that means: Greasy, crispy (or soggy, if you’re into that, but I don’t swing that way), salty, and overly adored by the internet. Now, when you look at Turkey Bacon
, it really is like they took the bacon approach more as a checklist than as a starting pad. Looking at it, you have the same strip layout that we have all come to know and love throughout the year, although the marbling of the fat looks a little bit wonky. It has the same sear in the pan, the same basic texture, but somewhere, they really missed the mark. Really, there is only one word to describe this product: Conceited.
It actually made me pretty sad, because I was starting out my meal with Turkey Bacon
before I made some chocolate chip pancakes, and it set a really solid foundation right from the get go. It has the signature sizzle of bacon when you put it in the pan, starting from a shallow layer of grease in the pan to a full sizzle on either side of the strip. This is one of Turkey Bacon’s strongest features. I didn’t want to overload my pan, so I opted to only go for five strips at a time, and despite only having 6 ½ inches to work with [editors note: ha ha! Noses on dowels...]
, my skillet was more than capable of handling it. Pretty much if you have a pan that can get hot, you should be able to prepare this meal.
At first blush, this really did look like it was going to be like a budget and heart friendly cousin to the bacon family. But as I started to eat the bacon, that’s when several features suddenly began to rear their ugly heads. When you first bite down into a strip, you get everything you would expect - the now brittle bacon breaks off in your mouth, with a satisfying crunch, and your tongue is enveloped in an all too familiar layer of grease. Then, things take a turn for the worse as the crispy texture doesn’t hold through the whole experience, and soon turns into something more spongy. As you are trying to figure all of that out, Oscar Mayer presents another surprise in that the flavor, instead of being the classic and refined taste of bacon, is instead a mellow poultry flavor. Ultimately, it makes sense, but overall it doesn’t deliver the same experience, which really hurt the experience.
Finally, I tried to make a pancake in the remaining grease because there are few pleasures more guilty (one being frying thick cut bacon in a cast iron skillet, then deep frying an egg in the bacon grease. I miss dating a girl who lived on a farm....) The grease did an admirable job of trying to lend its flavor, but ultimately wound up imparting the unsavory musk onto what would have been an otherwise enjoyable chocolate chip pancake.
Overall, Turkey Bacon
, to me, is like normal bacon dressing up in drag and trying to pick up guys in the bars downtown. It looks the part, once you get it in your mouth everything seems to be right, but it doesn’t take long before you realize that everything has gone horribly wrong. If I ever meet a strip of bacon in a bar, I would be checking for an adam’s apple is what I’m getting at, here. Ultimately, you are left with a clone that doesn’t understand why the original was so appealing, and it just makes you want to go back to the original experience.
Overall Score: 7.5/10
[7.5’s are a hallmark of being pretty well alright. You might want to eat it if there is nothing else greasy in your apartment if you are pretty well drunk, but you could probably also find a Perkins that is still open. If it were to fix a few fatal flaws and throw in some fatback then it would probably be pretty darn good]
[Ed: This was originally meant to be a review of Turkey Bacon that I had, and well, one thing lead to another. Also, now I can totally go for some bacon. Seriously. Finally, any spelling and/or grammer mistakes are intentional and part of the parody. Totally]