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taterchimp avatar 10:13 PM on 02.13.2013  (server time)
NEA Era Patch Notes Discovered

Welcome, welcome faithful readers. Today, a patch for the just released NES Game Super Mario Bros was issued, and I have to say, there are numerous fixes listed. I don’t want to get too into the details, but it really seems like being able to instantly patch games is making people much lazier. Hit the jump for the full list

Turtle shell speed increase
Hammer Bros hammer speed decreased
Goombas now worth 150 points
Only 90 coins required for player 1 UP
Player can no longer jump through the ‘ceiling’ to collect an item on the ‘floor’
Removed the ability to ‘kick jump’ off walls
Luigi speed decreased for pvp balance
Bowswer jump speed increased to discourage ‘axe runs’
Player can no longer beat a level while simultaneously being killed
Decreased Mario hitbox
‘Minus World’ removed
Moonwalking Removed

Some of these fixes are pretty horrible errors to have to be patched out so early, such as the player being able to die while completing a level. Both of the thousands of people who encountered this before this patch was issued were furious at the inconvenience. In addition, some of the glitches, such as enemies being able to attack mario from the floor have caused countless (exactly three) deaths that could have been avoided by higher quality QA testing.

Now looking at some other issues, it looks like Nintendo just doesn’t care about balance. For instance, they have totally nerfed some of the enemies, making the game laughably easy. When I play a game that is cripplingly and overly difficult, I expect everyone to get the same experience that I did. This comes down to an issue of the integrity of the game: the people who made the game have no right to address concerns with difficulties that a small group of beta testers didn’t expose, it was clearly their vision to have to game come out exactly as it did. The ten coin decrease is a spit in the face of people who strove to get those extra ten coins to get another continue. Does our progress not count? Over the five lives I gained throughout the game, someone may have been able to get six, and frankly, that diminishes my accomplishments!

As long as I am on the topic, I wanted to address the ‘koopa shell speed’ line on there. Clearly Nintendo is trying to cover up the fact that players can mine the koopa enemies in certain worlds to get infinite one ups. This was integral to several play styles, and Nintendo refuses to even admit that they are patching it out for that reason. It is part of the PvE balancing, which is a thin premise at best.
I would think, given the times, that we could do better, especially considering that this is a game with a hefty 256 KB download.

(Yay for random, late night, stress blogs!)

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