“Rules do not exist to bind you, they exist so you may know your freedoms”
-NieR. If you haven't played NieR, just don't even bother reading this blog. Not because I'll spoil it, I just don't want to be associated with you. But seriously though, read this blog. Page hits and faps sustain me.
Dark Souls is a truly fascinating game. Part of what makes it fun to play is how open ended it is. Sure, at the beginning of the game you have ten paths, and only one leads to you not dying a miserable death, making the first time playing the game a trial and error game played with your spleen. However, the freedom that the game allows is really refreshing after you have become an advanced player. Last week, I described the first half of my sequence breaking, cosplaying, journey to become more like Simon Belmont in Dark Souls, and none of that would be possible without totally circumventing the rules, even if you don't have green hair or money. In fact, I could skip the Taurus Demon, Capra Demon, and the Gaping Dragon completely if I wanted to this run, because I have the skills (and the equipment) to go around those bosses. In addition, you can go way out of your way to pick up equipment that allows you to be the best you can be right at the get go. For instance, you can start the game, run past ghosts, unlock New Londo, and pick up the Very Large Ember. Or, if you wanted to, before even stepping foot in the 'Burg, you could go to...
Not exclusively for giants, as I plan on being here when I die as well
WHY AM I DOING THIS. SERIOUSLY. WHY. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME.
Life was very kind to me on my way here, as a necromancer dropped a skull lantern. This meant that I could see the trail of urine I was leaving as I ran through the halls, and ran for my life. After doing some tomb skateboarding I made it to the bonfire, lit it...and was followed by a giant skeleton. I couldn’t rest there, but he sure could kick me off good! After a corpse run, I was back though, and was able to kindle the bonfire to give me a full 15 Estus, because someone left Pinwheel in charge of guarding it. Seriously, thats let letting Verne Troyer be your point guard. If this seems like overkill, you clearly haven’t been down here. Next up was a suicide run to grab the large divine ember, which was successful in that I died. A lot. But I had it in hand! Finally, my goal was in reach! There were just two enormous problems. Problem 1. I have no chunks. Fortunately, when life closes one door, it opens a can of whoopass on you. I spent two. Hours. Farming. The only enemy that I could farm that would drop a chunk is the bone towers, and I couldn’t grab Sen’s Golden Snake Ring (it vibrates!) so I was down there for a while. And I died. Like, a lot. Probably about 30 times. The last chunk took 45 minutes to drop. I hate this game sometimes. The bone towers are rather capable of killing you if you have no armor, and have to hit them six times each to kill them. I appreciate that I have the option, but this is seriously a pain to do.
Yep. This place still sucks. Even when illuminated.
BUT WAIT. THERE’S MORE. Problem 2 was now in the Tomb of the Giants. How do you get out? Why, you have to go up, of course! The path of which has (1 x sword 1 x archer) followed up by (2 x sword) followed up by (like a billion x FROGS wheel skeletons) and (1 x Knight). The first pair you can run past. The second pair you have to fight. 90 damage at a time. In the darkness. This fight in particular is a pain the Kotick because you have to maintain distance from a cliff, a second skeleton, and manage the first ones attack by the cues his glowing eyes give in the darkness. Then, you have to pull one wheel at a time, and kill it before it winds up again. Then you have to kill a black knight, while wisps try to blow you up. No problem, right? Actually, this played out like a Hollywood heist, in that everything constantly went wrong. This was ragequit number two. After 10 or so attempts to breach the surface failed, my patience was tested. Then something...strange happened. See, the DSFix mod, while wonderful, has a note saying that it may affect collision detection so try not to slide down ladders. Turns out it may cause you to slip the surly bonds of each and fall through the floor. And this may be the last straw in a game that is more prepared to bone you than a prep cook at a seafood restaurant is prepared to bone a salmon.
Ragequitting Dark Souls is the same as being full at a Mongolian Barbeque - you may think that you are done, but then you ask yourself “Can I handle one more plate? Could I wake up the next morning and call myself a man if I didn’t?” Statistically, half of you couldn’t. But I wasn’t about to let a game define my sexuality. Not one without voice chat. I took a night to double down on Jack and sours, then woke up and doubled down on Dark Souls. After some fancy fighting, and some fancy kiting, I made my way up to the bonfire by Patches. I was out. There are only a handful of times in the game that you will be happy to see Firelink shrine. Usually it is just a plaza that you pass through one your way to something bigger and better. For me, this was coming home. For me, this was victory. For me, this was vengeance.
This bonfire gave me twice the erection that Dead or Alive: Extreme Beach Volleyball ever will
I made my way back to firelink. I said hello to Andre. With my whip now at full power, I could finally focus on finding all of the wall chicken a man can handle. I tested it out on the undead near the Parish, dealing 196 damage per hit, enough to get them in one shot. Do you remember the scene from Dogma where Loki is dropping bodies from the sky? This is the equivalent of that in Dark Souls. The soundtrack of the game suddenly changed from My Chemical Romance to Devo. When a problem came along? I got an Uncontrolled Urge. AN UNCONTROLLABLE URGE TO WHIP IT. I took the elevator back to firelink. I walked up those stairs. And I got my revenge on this game. Some things cannot be expressed in writing, so I present to you:
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