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Hey Destructoid. In the 9 years...wow, 9 years, really? Nice. In the 9 years that I have known you, one of my favorite community blog things was always the dude who would jam out a drunen blog. I want to say it was BahamutZero? I don’t know. I remember the icon. There were a few other people who would do it, but that guy was legendary at it. Today, I hope to join the ranks, except not really. Tonight, I just wanted to blog to get things off my chest to an anonymous crowd, and maybe get the feeling that some people are on my side. At the very least, no one commenting or liking the blog won’t hurt my feelings. And if you don’t like the blog, hey, you are on my side anyway - I really don’t like when people do this kind of stuff myself, and I don't really have a good reason for that. I probably just try to make me happy, and those blogs make me sad. Lets go with that.
So I guess the elephant in my head is anxiety. Anxiety really blows. For twenty six out of the twenty seven years I have lived my life, I didn’t know what crippling anxiety really was. I always though a panic attack was where your mind rushes around, trying to figure out everything to and prioritize it, and that some people just couldn’t deal with it. Then last year I started having panic attacks and realized how much they really suck, and how powerless you are against them. I want you to think about what the top five symptoms are for a heart attack, off the top of your head. Chest pains, arm numb, shortness of breath….you get all of those with a panic attack. It feels straight up like you are going to die. And this happens every single night until you go to the hospital or your doctor and gets tests done and they say you are fine. Except you can’t trust them, because it feels like you are going to die of a fucking heart attack. Eventually I got used to the concept that death wasn’t imminent, but the symptoms still blow, and were enough to take me out of work. So then I started to fear the panic attacks themselves, which triggered more panic attacks. Until I finally got drugs to kick in, it was a constant cycle of panic attack after panic attack.
Why? There was a lot of personal stuff in my life that I guess I just couldn’t deal with. My grandfather was diagnosed with cancer (and has since been treated and recovered!), I have had some ‘family issues’ that I don’t wish to disclose online, but safe to say that it has made it difficult to communicate with my brother, who used to be one of my best friends. Finally, my best friend from high school was in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship (which she is now out of), and would tell me details fairly regularly. Combine that the regular burdens of every day life, and it was just too much.
I guess I feel like there is more of a burden with everyday life than normal on me. I’m not sure though. For my go to example, I want to use DotA. Its a 5 on 5 game, and I feel like I could let down 9 people if I play poorly. Before every game starts, after 200 hours of playing, I get knots in my stomach. I actually have to cancel the 2 minute match finding timer thing so I can talk myself down and say that I will be fine for an hour, even if my team yells at me. Every time I want to play. This applies to any game with multiple people. Magic the gathering? I think I’m alright, but I still get nervous while playing people that I perceive to be better than I am. When I played Call of Duty I would only play 8v8 or higher, so I could hide my stats, or say I had horrible spawns.
This applies to my at home life as well. I guess I really don’t have a lot of self worth. Stupid example would be when I brought in desserts to work one day. They were little chocolate cups that I saw on a Jacques Pepin cooking video. Super easy to make, so I made a few and brought them into work. Everyone at them, and they all said how much they liked them - its chocolate, how could they not?. But I still don’t know if they were good or if they were just being polite. I never know. I assume that people don’t want to offend most of the time, and wouldn’t tell me if they were bad. Or, more topically, in the case of blogs, they wouldn’t tell me that a blog was dumb, written poorly, etc. Some of my more successful blogs (of which there are few lately...I haven’t been writing a lot) really meant a lot to me. Something about people going out of their way to comment and fap kind of validates the people pleaser part of me. I was ecstatic when I got on the front page. Yet, I can’t even mention how many blogs I have started to write only to scrap halfway through because I didn’t think they would live up to my standards.
So I want to talk about my anxiety medicine, because I can, and you have read this far. Hah. You are trapped. The medicine I am on has a few side effects. The first is that I am tired all of the time, and have a much harder time focusing that I usually do. It has been hurting my work, and making my home life suck. Have you ever looked at a library of 10 fresh games, and decided to just sit around and watch twitch instead? Yeah. I would love to clear out my backlog, but I just can’t muster up the effort to play games that I love. Second side effect is that I can’t drink as much as I used to, and if I do drink, I feel like shit the next morning. Spoilers: by the time you read this, I will feel like shit. Resting heart rate of like 140 kind of blah, because I hate medicine that much. The upside, I guess, is that I can get drunk super easily now! And you know whats better than a panic attack? A drunken panic attack! Yay! So I kind of lost one of my favorite escapes from reality. And now I am in this weird half world where I don’t know why I drink: I know it will make me feel like crap. I know it will not lead to new friends (I mostly go out and check my phone. I used to say I went out to drink and met girls to get over my debilitating loneliness, but I realized that was a lie 1 year into 5 years of drinking while single. Yay!) So I get nothing out of it but longing for what it used to be. And I know it is bad for me, but I can’t bring myself to give it up, because it is something to do on Saturday nights. I guess that means I’m addicted. I hit 5 of the 6 signs of alcoholism, which is really ironic considering I haven’t been drunk enough to really lose my mind in well over a year.
I don’t know the point of this. There was a really good chance I wouldn’t post it. I guess the upside is, part of me feels like I have some kind of home here, even if part of me feels like a no one. I have been on the site since 2006/2007 and have a few people who I consider to be ‘cool people’ on the site, but I don’t have very many people I would consider friends from here. No one I would want to ask a favor, or work through a tough problem in my life. I suppose that is true of my real life friends as well. Anyway, having this group to write blogs to has been helpful when I have been down before. I wish I could write more, but between a lack of ideas, a lack of esteem, and a surplus of anxiety, it has been rough. Thanks to all who have been supportive of my efforts I guess. You know who you are.
Blog end! I feel like there was more I wanted to say, but I guess this will do for now.
Mercenary King’s is a bullshit game made by people with their heads up their asses. Every ten minutes there is some glaring flaw that should have been caught by someone who had half a brain. And I’m just about done with it and haven’t been able to put it down. Lets break it down shall we:
Mercenary Kings borrows from about a dozen different games. At the front is Metal Slug, because both games have stunning pixel art, and involve going ‘bang bang bang’ until something dies. Instead of a 1 hit kill, you have a health bar, making things more fair. Yay.
Next, it takes every shitty stupid part from Monster Hunter. First you pick a mission - and already this bothers me - you pick the mission you want to do, then you have to talk to the helicopter guy to go on the mission. Why not just start the mission? Well depending on what mission you are taking, you might need different gear. You can heal yourself, trap enemies, throw grenades - all that good stuff. Unlike Monster Hunter though, you only get 2 inventory slots. Didn’t bring the right equipment? You now have to scrounge the map for it, or you can order in an air drop. You get about 2 air drops per level. Some levels have 5 or more doors you have to blow up just to navigate to the end. Oh, and you can only carry 1 block of C4. So you find 2 in the wild, schlep your way out to a blow up point, blow it up, schlep your way back, pick up more C4. Why not allow a larger inventory? Or more stacks? Because this game hates you. Personally. It saw you eye banging the pixel art, and it is pissed.
In all fairness, the game knows you would hit it
So let’s talk about the bosses. They can spawn at one of multiple locations on your map, marked by a skull icon. You can buy an upgrade that tells you which one. So after you check three locations, and have narrowed it down to the fourth, you can finally fight the damn boss. Now, in all fairness, the bosses are really good. I want to throw out Dark Souls, but a super light version of it. The bosses all have excellent tells, easy to identify patterns, and almost always give the feeling that if you were the best player you could be, you could beat them without taking any damage. I was constantly excited to find out what the new boss would be so I could study it. And if you die while fighting one, you get 3 mans per stage, so you can trek back through the stage to get to the boss and have another go (while still keeping all damage done). My favorite so far was a series of bosses. They introduce them one at a time, and they all have the same patterns, so you get a good feel for each of their fights. Then you fight all 3 at once, and it turns into this beautiful mayhem. It was mentally taxing trying to remember each action required to dodge each pattern, and while I get my ass handed to me multiple times, I always wanted to come back and give it another go.
Now, in Monster Hunter style, you can capture some bosses when their health is critical. This requires a capture grenade, which we hope you brought. You didn’t? You can air drop two in! Missed those? Well, just restart the whole level again, you can get it next time champ. Just replay the whole level, drain most of the bosses health, and try again. We just want to give the option to waste an enormous amount of your time. Speaking of which, you know what feature in Monster Hunter was literally the worst? Monsters running away. Yeah, they do that here, too, but worse. See, in Monster Hunter, you could tell ‘oh hey, its going into a cave, I can go into that cave and find it’. In this game? Nah, it just went, like, wherever. So you have to cross more goons, pit traps, and pixel-hating jumps, then you can fight him again. If you take long enough to get there though, he may have just up and left anyway though! You can spend ten minutes just chasing down a boss, all while using up your limited health items and/or lives. It. Sucks.
So let’s talk about one other influence for the game: anything 8 bit that made you pull your hair out! Respawning enemies? Done. Medusa head flying enemies? Done! Environmental traps? Tons! Environmental traps with medusa heads, and oh yeah, the medusa heads can phase through walls where you can’t possibly shoot them? You better believe we got that covered. You can scroll the screen in any direction to see what is coming up, and sometimes you can use this to ‘snipe’ enemies at the edge before they aggro (again, very Dark Souls-y). Sometimes, you scroll the screen all the way right, then a swarm of enemies spawns from the left. Which you literally (and not that figurative kind of literal, either) just cleared out 2 seconds ago. Welp, guess you just have to take that hit. Some areas don’t let you scroll the screen, such as when a ladder goes to another ‘section’ of the level that they didn’t want to spoil with your damned scrolling. And sometimes, there are enemies just off screen on these segments. So you literally have no way of knowing they are there. Even if you are playing hyper cautious, you just have to eat that damage. They also do this with electric traps, spike pits, flame pits, etc. As long as I’m kvetching, some enemies like to hang out just above where you can shoot them with your gun when attacking you, forcing you to do this weird half hop thing to be able to shoot them. Pretty much every area there is something new like this that you have to commit to memory and go ‘really?...REALLY?’.
Just this small screenshot has sent strong willed men to their graves
The game also wanted to throw in crafting, in that you can make your own gun parts, and you can mix and match. While this sounds great, it sucks pretty bad. First off, you have to use whatever drops off of enemies to craft a gun. What drops copper, you ask? Who the hell knows. So you google ‘Mercenary Kings Copper Farming’, listen to some “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” and go back 30 missions to kill the same boss eight times so you can make a better gun. So, see above on the time sink front. It would be lovely if you could buy stuff you don’t have at an enormous premium - I am not doing anything with the cash from all the missions I beat. So what gun do you want to build? Well, you have about 100 options on 5 different parts, so I hope you like the sound of scrolling! I”m not a game designer, so I can’t tell you how to organize the parts, but this game didn’t do it right. Hell, even Borderlands did it better somehow. Yeah, I said it. Now to give the devil his due, the guns are really fun. The different ammo types are fun to play with (but armor piercing is overpowered, as it pierces the environment meaning you can cheese a toooooon of enemies.) There are quite a fun guns that have a nice look to them, and having a machine gun that fires heat seeking missiles is always nice.
Some other complains that I didn’t want to put anywhere else...duck is mapped to down on the d-pad. Makes sense. Pick up is also mapped to down. If you pick something up, not only do you stop shooting, you also stay standing. Any boss with adds means that the floor is now littered in crap that you either have to pick up, or run away from when time comes to duck. Just map ‘pick up’ to something else. Something not combat essential. BAM. Problem solved.
At the end of the day though, I only have 2 bosses and 1 set of missions left to go through before I’m done with the game. The pixel art is amazing - most of the dog robots are genuinely ‘aww’ inspiring, and the characters really harken to Scott PIlgrim. It has a lot of character, and a lot of charm, but lacks the fundamentals to support them.
d'aww I can't stay that mad at you
Since I wrote all this, I actually did manage to beat the game. The last few missions give a real sense of ‘looking back’ that was really well done. You fight 8 of the first boss of the game in one mission, and I think 8 of a boss from the mission sets prior. It was a great tone setting for the very end of the game. They even let you do something super special that I wont spoil, but suffice to say it felt really good. The last boss himself was pretty cool (in that he didn’t have a level to mosey through, just a walk up to his room). Overall, I’m glad to put it past me. I would have to know the gamer very well in order for me to recommend this game. It takes a lot of patience and acceptance to make it through, but there are some damn fun times to be had inbetween.
Depending on who you ask, 2014 was either a wonderful year or a terrible year for gaming. My opinion? It was awesome. I created the list below, along with a few notes, of every game I completed during the year. There are some that I started up that just never got around to finishing.
As far as my favorites for the year, I think my ‘finished GOTY’ goes to Metal Gear Revengeance. It was an absolute blast, even for someone who isn’t great at the genre. Hyrule Warriors was probably my favorite game for passing time while watching something in the computer. Passing time on the computer? That is probably Tower of Guns, clocking in at 21 hours of gameplay! And, of course, DOTA is still just as addicting as ever. Without further ado:
Saints Row 2 - this game needed heavy modding love to get playable. I forget if controllers just weren’t supported in general, or if the button prompts didn’t show up, but the game needs some TLC. That being said, once it is running, it is my favorite of the series. My original character was a Walter White style bad guy - an older crime lord, for more civilized crime. With a beer belly and comb over, his agression wasn't so much an act of agression as getting too old for this shit.
Saints Row 3 - Compared to 2 and 4, this is where the series kind of changed. It was halfway between super powered and normal, serious and extreme. It was a fun game, but not great.
Saints Row 4 - Basically a good Crackdown. Is it Saints Row? No. Is it fun? Hell yeah. Wish this was its own IP more than a weird, Saints based virtual world, but ah well.
Gone Home - Eh. Indie, but harmless. Fun? Not really. Enjoyable? Maybe. It was a game.
Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance - This game defines what boss music should be. Also, the Metal Gear universe is always fun to play in, and the action genre goes well with Raiden. I had lots of fun with it, and would like to come back.
Evoland - so full of itself its amazing it didn’t pop halfway through. It wasn’t so much a game as it was a homage to different RPG elements over the years, but highly condensed. I wouldn’t waste your time playing it.
Deadpool - a few laugh out loud moments. A semi decent combat system to facilitate. Was worth the steam sale price
Octodad - halfway between fun and infuriating. The concept oozes charm, but it often asked too much of the player..at least before it was patched. Fighting with controls can be fun, but qwop never hid something after the hurdle.
The Stanley Parable - I remember being really, really unimpressed with this one. Humor meets a walking simulator, but something about it just really rubbed me the wrong way. Ill just mod in farts to Dear Esther, see how that goes
Dark Souls II - Not as enjoyable as the first for me, but still damn fine entertainment.
Goat Simulator - its like Tony Hawk, but instead of riding a skateboard, you are a goat. Humor, wonky physics, random achievements...I got way more out of this than I would have figured, and they keep adding content to it.
Far Cry 3 - Finally beat this one, after starting it four times. Fantastic game.
Thomas Was Along - Hate this game. A good puzzle game makes you figure out the solution, and then BAM, you are done. Thomas Was Alone makes you do the same solution ten times in a row, just wasting your time. The story may be good, but I can’t get over how awful the gameplay is
Splinter Cell Blacklist - America! Fuck yeah! I didn’t know there was a stealthy walk for a while, and that made the game really hard. It was fine overall, if a little over patriotic. It pretty much says that the ends justify the means (torture) and thats a little bit much.
Sniper Elite V3 - I have a fantastic love of this series for almost no reason. This is much better than 2. Whereas SEV2 had enemies spawn in, making stealth completely impossible, 3 has a much more open approach. It feels more snipery and strategic. Plus the end rips off Metal Gear Solid pretty damn hard, which I guess is a plus.
Mass Effect - Punishing, but had so many good ideas. I decided to make the trilogy playthrough as a renegade - last time I was full paragon. I modeled my character after Duke Nukem. I do miss my paragon fish eyed pedophile looking shepard though. The moral of the story: sometimes character creation isn't great.
Mass Effect 2 - Refined some ideas from 1, simplified many others.
Mass Effect 3 - whatever was left to be simplified was, whatever was left to be refined also was. The series as a whole is really fantastic, and it makes me sad that people are too blinded by the ending of 3 to appreciate just how damn good it was. The multiplayer was still populated when I played, and was just as fun as I remember it (really fun, if you were wondering). It has some issues on PC for all 3, but is overall damn fine.
Space Marine - best game ever. No, really.
Hard Reset - A true to form, oldschool FPS. Has some cool ideas, shiny graphics, but is overall kind of shorter than you would like.
Walking Dead Season 2 - not as good as the first one, at all. Has interesting moments, but nothing as potent. Still worth a steam sale.
Diablo 3 - This is where we get into the games that are crazy addicting. I probably put 100 hours into this game, if not more. I only ran solo, and after loot 2.0, but this kind of stuff is my jam.
Mario Kart 8 - this is the third most I have played Mario Kart (behind the SNES version, behind the N64 version), and it has basically validated the Wii U in my house. I played it over Thanksgiving break, and beat all the cups, and all the ghosts. Online became trivial after that. Super fun.
Tower of Guns - speaking of which, buy this game. It is fan-fugu tastic. Its a rogue like FPS, that starts off painful and punishing, but ends up being really rewarding. It has so many secrets, from hidden walls, to being able to escape the boundry of the level and scale the actual tower for an insane amount of powerups. It uses Quake like gameplay, in that you shoot, jump, and well...thats about it. If you shoot fast enough, you can even use that to fly! Probably my favorite indie game of the year. It is indie, right?
South Park:Stick of Truth - just like the show! Pretty good, if not shorter than you would like.
Hyrule Warriors - Never got into Dynasty Warriors for whatever reason, but this got me fairly hooked. After I unlocked all characters and most weapons (about 60, 70 hours) I was finally bored of the game, but still had plenty to go. A great ‘holding pattern’ game. Watch some TV, play some of this, bada bing, bada boom, day is over.
Guacamellee - Yeah, its good, but not great. I enjoyed it, but something about it just sort of rubbed me the wrong way.
Castlevania Aria of Sorrow - Hooray for the Wii U and off screen play! I brought home the Wii U for the holidays, but forgot that I already played the pants off of most bite sized games. I downloaded this one on a whim, and it wound up taking up just the right amount of time. The game screams of SNES version of Dark Souls in the best way. A good way to wrap things up for the year!
Shovel Knight - see above for why. As for how much I enjoyed it, eh, its alright. It feels really, really simple. Easy enough for the Game Grumps to beat it. BAM. In all seriousness, it reminds me of Kirby’s Epic Yarn - you have to search out the challenges yourself. I could see it being very fun in speedrunning/no damage community, but beyond that, its just alright.
Binding of Isaac: Rebirth - depending on how you quantify ‘beat’ I beat this one. Better than the original, and just a fun roguelike.
DotA 2 -the last boss is realllly hard guys. Recent patches got me more involved, but still kind of on and off relationship. I still am not ranked, but I think I am in a good place - my teammates communicate, don't build obscure items, and sometimes they dont auto attack creepwaves! Ive really been enjoying the last few sessions, and hope to have many more!
So overall, about 30 games this year, with a few heavy hitters. What about you guys? What did you wrap up, and what were your favorites?