Like a billion other people in the know I was tuned into (though not actually, I went on a stream) the Two and a Half Men premiere where they brought in a new shoe to replace that old foot. I’m not a big fan of half men in general, in fact they scare the shit out of me. They’re creepy and their arms look smaller than their heads. Break me off some leprechauns. Titles aside, the show itself was never my cup of tea either. The ongoing’s all seemed very 70’s sitcom to me (not That 70’s Show).
I LOVE those old shows, the Sanford and Sons, the Three’s Company, the Mary Tyler Moore’s, absolutely love it all. It was the natural feel between the characters, the way they actually had a wit about them, a wit you don’t get with today’s television. The impromptu digs and one liners, dashing rouges breaking from the loosely penned scripts; the trademark facial expressions and near flawless comedic timing. It all made for a very close knit family feel between the cast members, like they were all in it together. You believed they were friends just messing about, because chances are they were having a ball. Wingin’ off these absurd ad libs left, right, and center would chastise my tickled tummy for a good chuckle. All things considered - a 70’s sitcom Two and a Half Men is not. It only feels like a 70’s sitcom… The same way that those frozen “it’s not delivery” pizzas feel like a slap in the face, and a scam. Because you know it’s not delivery.
Those frozen pizzas come in two flavours: Burnt, or soggy. Maybe it’s just my inability to defrost a meal in the oven, but no matter what I do, following the guide on the back of the box leads me to an over cooked crust and a soggy, wet, barely defrosted, middle, and if I cook at a lower temperature for longer, it just burns the crust to an unpleasant rock… Not my first choice for a bite to chew, but I’m okay with that. That’s just what it is, you expect to be underwhelmed. If I goto a crowd of people and say, “Who wants Pizza for dinner” and in a chorus of glee they reply with an “I do, I do!” it’s because they’re expecting a real life delivery pizza to show up in a cardboard box with one of those dollhouse tables in the middle. They want the box. They need the box… The box and the small urine stain of grease, oh yes, we want that pizza. Wallowing in it’s own filth, the sleazy fix you call when you hit rock bottom, or the craving of uncontrollable need when you’re blazin’ them J’s, high as cuss, standing on the kitchen table reciting footnotes from a Woody Allen biography - that’s the pizza we’ve come to know, and that’s the pizza we want. If dog is man’s best friend, then pizza is man’s best underhanded coke dealer… and it’s fun for the whole family. That pizza is Charlie Sheen, and I can assure you, he ain’t no goddamn delivery.
Charlie Sheen is a self righteous loon to whom I can fully relate and celebrate while I’m helping my whores move into the china cabinet (lol no). People watched Two and a Half Men because of Charlie Sheen and Charlie Sheen’s character (to whom are one and the same). If they didn’t, then there is a far greater issue at hand than the timeless mistake of replacing lead main characters, because Jon Cryer… I don’t wanna get into it - we’ll just say I hate his character, he’s a moaney, freeloading, Peter Rick, and resembles some people I’ve had the misfortune to have to deal with in a few moments in time. Semi-Colon, Closing Bracket :) Digression will be the death of us - Sheen was the center of the show. I had mentioned I wasn’t the biggest fan of the show, but I made a point to watch it now and then, from time to time, between the Office and The Big Bang Theory. And since I don’t have cable it came down to hours of catching up via online streams, and getting on the download of all my fav’s before checking out that other show (‘that’ being Two and A Half)… But when I did check it out, it was exactly what I expected it to be, and remained exactly what I came to know it to be - a three camera sitcom with a Chuck Lorre sense of timing and humor, which, I might add, is far less amusing than it gives itself credit for (thanks laugh tracks; Big Bang included *gasp :(* ). Dot, dot, dot, what Lorre has always hit on the nose, for me at least, was his characters. I love Sheldon Cooper, I hate Leonard. I somewhat enjoy Charlie Sheen, I don’t like Jon Cryer. He’s able to, create characters across a broad spectrum of shows that people can relate to, love, hate, somewhat enjoy, somewhat hate, ignore, channel surf when speaking, watch largely in part for cameo (Dharma and Greg), etc. Everyone loves someone, and that’s a great quality to have for any show. Digression will kill us all - Charlie Sheen IS Two and a Half Men.
It’s because I only watch now and then that I’m able to tell, so instantly, that without Charlie Sheen, Two and a Half Men is effectively dead. Acktown Koosher is a good actor, I like him in a lot of his projects. He plays a big ol’ goof real well. He can show empathy, yada, yada, unimportant. No matter what character he plays in this show, he will never eclipse Sheen’s haunting presence on the show (they’re in Charlie’s house for cuss’sakes!!), and it could be because Chuck Lorre gave us all a ‘Goodbye Charlie Handjob’, when we all wanted a ‘Goodbye Charlie Blowjob’. It was dry and forced… And rushed… That’s not what people generally need when they’ve been courted by a character for 8+ years.
You can’t just ‘get it over with’ like it meant nothing to people (some people really wanted that blowjob). Then he had the audacity to try and rush us through the breakup phase by a long line of cameos, giving us excitingly short television cockteaseseses’s. It’s still Charlie’s house, and now there’s a sexy weirdo who’s gonna let Jon Cryer live in his dead brothers house, with him, with his weird little son, who apparantly had absolutely no emotional ties to his uncle, who was good enough to take care of him and his father. Terrific character development. Now these characters are all selfish and heartless, Peter Ricks. This is not Two and a Half Men, it’s not even frozen “It’s not delivery” pizza, because at least that can be thrown out. This is a confession of guilt by this equally insane dictator, Chuck Lorre. He told Charlie not to tell anyone that Chuck had tried to rape him… Metaphorically… But Charlie told, and this is how a lunatic gets revenge. Even ask the movie Fear. Mark Whalburg will speak volumes of Lorre’s character. He’s bat shit crazy, just like Sheen, and that’s why the show needed him. Because they were a close knit family that worked. Just like a 70’s sitcom… just dysfunctional. No amount of sexy naked men can replace your favorite crazy uncle. Ever.
(because it would be weird if you thought your crazy uncle was sexy naked) read