I can't remember my friends names but I still remember the every move in any Street Fighter game, ever. I'm an absurdist existentialist with shades of zen taoism, but call me that and I'll deny it. I own a Wii, a DS and frequently partake of my friends other 360's and PS3's. Games are art. Games are new media that must be understood.
"Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke", Hagbard Celine.
I am going to start this by using my genitals as an analogy for the DS touchscreen and the Wiimote, something that has surely been done a million and one times for a million and one reasons (and probably once or twice for real), but it is the best one to use for the point I am trying to make so we'll count this one million and two.
It would be a safe assumption that most everyone thinks their own items are awesome, with a great many uses that the individual in question couldn't live without and as much can be said about people who enjoy the unique functionality of the DS and Wii. I've spent alot of time marvelling at the simple fun a new interaction method has added to how I play games as, various glaring failures aside, when they work they are alot of fun. Much like genitals.
But I don't always need them in my hand 24/7. Knowing they are still there is nice but I want to be able to use them when it is appropriate and thus I reach the point of my ever growing frustration with being made to use the touchscreen or Wiimotions when I don't need or want to.
Case and point the SvR 2009 games for the respective systems, the DS one in particular. It makes me use the stylus and touchscreen to do things that would be better served by a button press, IN NO WAY, does the touchscreen use make the game better, point of fact it makes it a massive pain in the arse. A similar comment can be made about waggling in the Wii version. It is thoroughly unnecessary.
Just because they are there doesn't mean they have to be used for every damn thing every damn time. I could go out in the street, junk in hand, parading myself around purely to remind the world that it is there and it has a variety of innovative uses. But I won't because that will scare people away from using me because they'll think that I use it for everything, which is silly. Inappropriate Wiimote and stylus use is like me using my member to stir my coffee, yeah I CAN, but it would be fucking stupid.
Developers, I fucking hate that you are forcing me to stir my coffee with my junk, that is why we have spoons and buttons, use them, the Wiimote and stylus are awesome, wouldn't want the world of gaming to be without them but much like genitals, keep them in your pants until you actually need to use them.
So it's been a while since I last posted or even really visited the site. I'll site laziness, booze and a total lack of motivation for the absence. That said, I've a few amusing little pics to show for my time away.
Don't get drunk around creative gamers. A friend of mine had wandered northward from Sydney and found himself back amongst Brisbane and his friends. My line of work kept me from enjoying the evening proper, but showing up late with a bottle of Herrandura tequila is a respectable way to enter a party, regardless of timing.
I INSISTED that we drink it, regardless of how tired or drunk everyone was. So with my brutal regime of shots taking its toll, my dear friend passed out. Naturally the first thing to pop into my head is to mess with him. Another friend has beaten me to this and, for some baffling reason, drawn a single neat line down the unconscious mans face. So, given that one good baffling turn deserves another, I said, "Draw a game of PONG on his face!"
So we get this
I so dearly wanted to create a stop motion animation game of it but I was pissed and quite surprised that things had gotten this far. The next day I hear him get up, go to the bathroom, piss and flush, then I just wait in the most beautiful of anticipations. "WHAT THE FUCK!?!" Comes blaring from the bathroom and I latch the lock on my door before he can exact any revenge. He sees the humour in it now.
I've been playing Street Fighter 4 in my local arcade for the past month and a half now and I love it. That said I do have a few complaints. Removing parrying for the focus attack bugs me a tad, though to be fair, it does create a parry that can fail on you thus preventing overuse and balancing the game a little better. I still miss parries though. The game has a few priority changes that I am yet to work through, my Zangief is as destructive as ever and due to the beautiful camera angles on the Revenge moves, even more beautiful, but Iam still suffering a bit due to odd priority. I have managed to make my presence known at the arcade, demolishing all but the most sensible and adaptive opponents, but dammit, some of the old tricks don't work and I miss them a tad. Still, time to move on I suppose.
Although it is odd that the game skews away from supers, given the short life bar, the long time to build a super move and that each character only has one (give or take) to just throw a "revenge" move in that is even easier to come by. Strange lack of balance there given the attention to detail everywhere else.
Finally, I got to dress as Ryu at a friends costume party. Well, a dodgy SSF2 Turbo pallet swap of him at least.
You see, I'd gotten nigh leathally drunk the night before, as when a particular friend of mine and I decide to get tore up, it means at least for or five bottles of spirits. Come about 8 in the morning and it's getting a little warm so we decide to make use of his pool and, when I got out slightly chilly an hour later, a warm beam of sunlight seemed an inviting place to sleep.
I slept from 10 am to 4:30 pm in Australias sun. I woke up, moved, screamed, moved again, cried and then got dressed and went to work looking like the son of a woman who was raped by a beetroot. I was damaged, hungover and suffering from heat stroke but goddammit, I was dressing like Ryu.
Here are the results, bearing in mind I have already explained about my colour (oh and at one point I fought a ninja, a gay sailor and a lamp).
So that was what has happened to me lately. Gonna stop being a lazy prick and re-engage in the culture I enjoy now.
I've had a bunch of thoughts go through my head and, as is often the case, they need to be vented so they can leave me and inhabit some other poor soul.
So here are some ideas for games that must never be made.
Oz: The MMORPG
You've just been convicted of a crime of your choice! Was it rape? Was it murder? Are you actually innocent? Were you just harshly dealt with by a judge? Well you get to choose as you create your Em city character as they enter for the first day of the rest of their life. Never has choosing your characters race ever been so important!
Delve into the life of a prisoner with life. Pick a gang to support and help them thrive in their business. Run the drug supply and feed the hungry prioners their tits. Control the lunchroom and wield influence with extra servings of pudding. Get rid of snitches for the other gangs IT'S ALL UP TO YOU!
With a detailed create-a-shiv component as well as interactive rape simulator Oz: The MMORPG will give you the chance to decide whether Schillinger or Adibizi has the bigger dick.
Super Me Fighter 2.
This is a re-creation of Super Street Fighter 2 Turbo but digitzed and I cosplay all of the characters.
Self Harmer DS
Finally a companion piece to Trauma Centre. Nobody knows the pain you are going through so it's time to take your stylus and show them! Featuring a wide variety of implements and areas to cut you must make sure to cut your way to all the attention you could ever need without going deep enough to wind up a newspaper obituary like that Paperboy kid.
I have lived in Brisbane my entire life and have basically thought of it as being distant from anywhere or anything of much importance. This wasn't something I disliked, the womblike quality of the city has allowed me to toddle through life with ease, but it did leave me with a feeling of irrelevance.
Well, turns out I'm just a tard.
Apparently, Brisbane is the hub of gaming design in Australia as explained to me by the boys from Pandemic when they stopped by the bar I work at. We got to talking while they were on a cigarette break and as a result of that I'll be doing some consumer feedback stuff for early builds of games. Not exactly beta testing but it will still be pretty sweet fun. Basically they get in people from all classes of gaming, hard to casual and different genre fans and market test stuff at them.
I can't wait. Finally I might actually be near something newsworthy before everywhere else in the world.
This all started a few nights back while I was at work. It was getting late, I was tired, nothing much was happening and, as is usual under these circumstances, my mind began to wander. A co-worker (Ken-yes THE Ken) was out with me having a cigarette when something particular to our Fortitude Valley wandered by.
She was a squat homonculoid creature round as she was tall, marshmallow pale and of a similar consistency. She was crammed into a white tank top and black bike shorts, both of which must have been threaded with a cloth/adamantium blend because these things were under a stress that would break bridge cables. The result created a butt-crack that ran up between her shoulder blades. She looked like Jabbas half human child from his first marriage that he gets weekend visits with.
The "Oh dear god" topping on this "Jesus Christ (shudder)" cake was that she was wearing a light up pink sash that read "18 and Legal". Presumably because the novelty shop was out of the "Giving it away" ones.
So I turn to Ken and say, "Man that bitch is nothin' but Mushroom Cup".
I didn't know what I was saying as I said it but due to our shared love of Mario Kart an epiphany hit us and we suddenly knew.
Mushroom Cup, Flower Cup, Star Cup and Special Cup are how I rate attractiveness now with the various tracks adding a further level of nuance to it.
I live in a city called Brisbane, the capital of the sun-raped state of Queensland. It is small and womblike in that you can get by here, quite comfortably, with the bare minimum of effort.
Three guys on welfare can carve out a pretty sweet living hereabouts.
So I've never really travelled having only ever been to Sydney twice which is why I jumped at the chance to go to Melbourne. See, one of the guys I work with and two of my other liquor industry related friends were going to participate or otherwise observe the finals of the Woodford Reserve cocktail making competition and there was a spare bed in a hotel room.
So I raise some dough and off I go, just for one night but hey, why not?
The next day I awoke phenomenally hungover (comps put out ALOT of free booze, in this case, Juleps) around 9:50 with a 10:00 checkout, so we grabbed our stuff, each had a deodorant shower and left for a wander of Melbourne.
Then I see these ads for the Game On show and immediately make a beeline for it.
Outside the bulding was a large picture of the current day Mario with the vintage NES pixel Mario on the other side (I have photos of me in front of it but can't find my damn cameras USB thing) which set the tone nicely, so a ten dollar entry fee later and I'm inside.
One thing to get out of the way, though, was that I couldn't take any fucking pictures in the damn museum. The reason for this baffles me and infuriates me as there was some pretty sweet vintage equipment there and I would have loved to have showered you all with photos of. Oh well.
But to the show. We (Dan and I) trot down the stairs and into a classic arcade. Directly in front of us is a domino line of classic arcade games in their original cabinets. Missile Defence, Bezerk, Dig-Dug, Pac-Man, Galaga, Galaxian, Donkey Kong and many more. I had played Missile Defense on the Atari, but playing it with the trackball and three separate buttons for the differing firing locations mad it far more fun. I spent the better part of 45 minutes just playing away in the vintage section alone. Bezerk was just as fun as I'd remembered.
This section also sported a table-top Space Invaders whose progress was displayed on a giant screen for all to observe and an original Pong arcade machine. In short, the vintage section was a fuck-tonne of fun.
The show then branched off into the consoles with everything under the sun. Magnavox Odyssee playing Pong, which was incidentally entirely crap and unplayable, check. An old NEC unit with the CD drive attatched playing "Fighting Street", yup. It was an archive of odd and failed vintage consoles, most of which I had only ever heard of.
The consoles spread out for a while before blending into the handhelds and finally the current gen stuff, with a few PC classics thrown in for good measure (Doom, Monkey Island and the Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy text Adventure game). There was a section with a few Miyamoto sketches, some stuff on GTAIV and controversy in games and a small section on the cross pollination between games and movies, sporting a poster for the cinematic masterpiece "Super Mario Brothers".
Despite all this the show was actually terribly laid out and woefully organized with no real organization of genre or time period. It was like an evolutionary chart that had been set to random so there were trilobytes sitting beside cats. In one display there was SF2 on one side, VF4 on another and Garou:MOTW opposite. HUH? There wasn't any coherence to what games were where, which is absurd if you are trying to chart the history of games. That said, there was a school excusion in that day and nothing makes me feel like more of a man than whipping a bunch of 14 year old kids at fighting games and ruining their day. I'm a big man.
There were other slight gripes as well, Orange Box=great, only having Orange Box on X-Box=?. Virtua Tennis as the Dreamcast game?
Had I been in charge there would have been a consistent accurate flow from the first games and laid them out chronologically splitting into genres when necessary like any decent evolutionary chart. I mean, having "Fighting Street" there and having no mention of it's relation to SF2 and the rise of one-on-one fighters is retarded. Having Doom there and not mentioning Wolfenstein or, oh I don't know, the CREATION OF THE FPS GENRE, is equally baffling. No mention of the video game crash and ET!?! Gah!
It was fun, well worth the entry, but in terms of being a "history of video games" it was pretty fucking poor. It was nice to see arcade cabinets older than most of the attendants there as it would give the filthy little urchins an idea of the roots of the games they play today, well, would have, were it not for the total lack of connection to any of the current stuff.
Someone needs to do it right, not me though I'm busy.