Thanks to several positive mentions on Destructoid's review of 2009's best, I rented 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand for eight dollar and fifty-two cent yesterday. Yes, overpriced at Hollywood video without their Netflix-rival program, but worth it. This game's obscene protagonist and ludicrous plot are campy as hell, and I can't agree more that this game is worth a look if you enjoy shooters.



My sister once told me hip hop songs always have one of two themes: f***ing or killing. Now, before anybody starts screaming racist or posting that damn gif, let me state three things. First, this is indeed an overgeneralization that needs to be clarified: gangsta rap is always about f***ing or killing. Hip hop is usually about f***ing, although sometimes it branches out into deeper themes such as "mom's spaghetti on his sweater already" or "twenty inch blades on the Impala."

Second, hip-hop is a kind of music. Hip hop does not equal black people. Not all black people are hip hop, or like hip hop, or listen to hip hop. And those who do enjoy hip hop enjoy hip hop separately from their value as human beings. So if you're unable to make the distinction between my opinion of hip hop and my respect for humanity, stay in school. I'm half Polish, and though all the jokes are actually true, logically I have ask you to make the distinction between being Polish and enjoying Polka music, or Chopin piano concerts, or galumpkis.

Third, if this game were to have an expected target market, it would be this:



On to the game. Everything I find over-the-top violent and ridiculous about gangsta rap actually works wonders in this game. In a market where game designers try really, really hard to make their landscapes gritty and their characters hardcore and the situation dire, Blood on the Sand takes a music/culture that is naturally hard-edged and throws it in with hilariously obscene trash talk and a fundamentally amoral plot. You're running around slaughtering people because 50 wants his money and treasure back. "What's mine is mine, and what's yours is mine," he says.

I can't tell you the elation I feel when the game talks shit for me. When I throw a neatly-guided grenade into a swarm of enemies, 50 says things like "this should shut you the f*** up." "You f***ed up now!" They're not prize-winning one-liners, but they're fit to suit the mood.



The game's blatant chauvinism is also somehow amusing. Of course you end up at a strip club (with American looking strippers in a random middle-eastern city) talking about "hos" who are scantily clad and who never refrain from swaying and sprawling, not even on their way to the restroom. What proper gangsta rap game would be complete without this cliche?

In the tradition of the now absence of solo hip-hop tracks, you get to pick one of three ice-wearing G-Units to join you for the ride. Because the gameplay functions nearly identically to Gears of War, your buddy provides cover fire and helps with tasks like vaulting a wall or opening doors. In terms of hip hop, the best he does is add a little dialogue. He will also frequently declare "clear" when there are still enemies firing rockets at your position.

By the point I reached in the game last night there was no mention of selling illegal drugs on corners or running a train on anybody. Maybe they'll pleasantly surprise me. But it won't be necessary. Challenges earn you money to buy bigger and badder weapons, or new "counterkills," or new sets of trash talk. There is some clunky gameplay, and it badly needs local co-op. (Adding DMX would make the game reach perfection). But for a rental or a discount price I'd say go for it.



If there is one line from 50's soundtrack (only featuring himself, I should add - narcissism, anyone?) that epitomizes the whole game, it's this: "N**** my gun go off!" Hell yeah.