.. and I'm not just trying to stir up shit, honest. I realize that the title looks like I'm just trying to grab attention, I am not. Before I get started I'd like to say that I'm not so much worried about how I don't like this game, but more about how other people can possibly like it. I'm picky, and I know that, but still, in my eyes, no one should be content with this game, it's broken. So, please, seriously comment and enlighten me on how the game I couldn't care less about finishing even halfway is so revered.

I don't know if people who like it are just lying to themselves, or actually enjoy this game, that's my first problem. When I was younger and stupid/impressionable I convinced myself I liked Resident Evil 4, not to say that anyone who likes it is also stupid too, but I just don't get the appeal, and now I'm completely disillusioned about how I feel. I felt obligated to like it because of it's reputation, and compelled to finish it because I was curious about how it'd unravel, but the entire time I didn't feel atmospheric tension they intended that should have made me enjoy it. I just felt uneasy the entire time I played it. When I was done I was so relieved. Not because I felt like I had accomplished something, but because it meant I didn't have to do it ever again. Not that I hated it at the time, but I felt no inclination to replay it.

Then I started seeing news about the newest resident evil and I started to get excited. I thought it'd be more action-oriented rather than anxiety-driven, so that you'd feel scared rather than constantly inadequate about what you're about to face. I don't think capcom knows the difference to be honest. After playing Resident Evil 5 for several hours, and returning it (rental) early because the opportunity presented itself, it has cemented my opinion.

- Making it so that your character turns like a shopping cart; either on a curve, or in jerks on the spot is still not scary; it's stupid. I don't think it adds to the tension, I think it's frustrating, and the game should not lean on piss-poor controls to elevate tension.
- Making it so that you can not even walk forward while holding a knife is not scary; it's stupid.
- Making it so that even though one of the characters wields a knife the length of his leg it takes 8 or so swings to down an enemy is not scary or make sense; it's stupid. The fact that he uses it like he's trying to spread butter on a piece of toast suspended five feet in the air doesn't help. HURR.
- Not being able to competently deal with enemies because your character does dumb shit is not scary it's stupid.

I know most of those are hallmarks of a series, with many carrying over from 4 (which isn't acceptable either), and anyone who reads this might just shoot back at me and say that it's just simply not meant for me and I just shouldn't play these games. Well fuck you, man. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a game at this point to have some good controls and to instill terror without it being anxiety stemming from not being able to go where you want, and do what is perfectly reasonable to expect you to be able to do. I think you people are just drooling over the style of the game and are ignoring glaring drawbacks.

In addition to the elements I added before- which I could put up with if the gameplay in general wasn't beastly, unrewarding, tedious, and not fun- I'd like to talk about some of the things that made me completely apathetic to the game, and not care one bit about playing it anymore. fuck yeah run-on sentences.

I don't like how when you're out of bullets and you haven't noticed it, and you go to shoot, you automatically stop moving, with no sense of self-presevation, and reload. First, why can't I move while I'm doing this? Second, why can't I abort reloading if someone is infront of me about to fuck my shit up? I died twice on the first chainsaw enemy because of this retarded feature. I'd be more aware of my ammo status if it weren't so hard to read the text, but that's for later.


If I was going to put effort into this and include pictures, there'd be one here of your character taking his/her time reloading while someone's trying to swing something into their face or sever their head. Maybe with a caption that conveys that he is taking his time reloading

I don't agree with the whole not being able to do simple tasks while moving. I understand not being able to shoot while moving, I don't like it, but I understand, but not while reloading or holding the knife, or that useless lantern. Most people are capable of holding things in their hand and walking at the same time. It's unacceptable. I've heard the excuses people throw down to try and justify this. The whole immersion thing. This is garbage, and you know it. Having to swing at an enemy with the knife a couple times, then having to release the knife-wielding button, move a couple steps forward, then to redraw the knife, then swing again is pathetic design. This wouldn't be so infuriating if:

a) it didn't take a dozen swings of your knife to kill someone
b) the game didn't push you so hard to conserve ammo

I understand it's a survival horror. That doesn't mean it should penalize you for being stingy in a game that endorses it. While playing the game, I frequently got the feeling that capcom wanted me to hate their game. Why else would they include so many mechanics that should naturally frustrate a normal person? I couldn't think of any other explanation


I don't see why people have this sense of attachment to extremely dated, corny and ineffective features. It's absolute horse shit. That fucking block inventory system is nauseating and unimaginative. This isn't helped by the fact that the icons look like they're from the resident evils on playstation. I don't see why that should be worth a pinch of shit if it still looks like ass, and exists solely as a nod to the game's ancestors. Even things like that sound the game makes when you give your teammate something. I know it's petty, but it's part of my point. It ruins the atmosphere, it sounds stupid, I don't give a fuck if it's there because it was in previous games. SHIT HAS CHANGED, DON'T JUSTIFY SOMETHING'S EXISTENCE BY ITS INCLUSION IN AN EARLIER GAME. If you take this game, and ignore the series' history and see this game by itself, would you be impressed by shitty interfaces, inventory systems, control schemes, tacky sound effects, etc...? I don't see how you could.

Guess what else I hate? Text that seems to be designed only for assholes with giant HD tv's. Guess what? I don't have one, and I'm not ashamed, I don't like companies try to shame you, or squeeze poorer gamers into spending all disposable income just so you can read basic messages; you can fuck off with that garbage.

Grainy, skinny size 4 font white and gray text on either a sunny backdrop, or an overly gaudy and drab dark backdrop is a goddamn pain. Why should I struggle to read a sentence investigating another example of atrocities done by ganados? I don't think I should; so I stopped reading shit. It wasn't worth the strain on my eyes. Ignoring the plot was easy since every character was one-dimensional and had about as much charisma and likeability as a fencepost, but I still wanted to know how few bullets I had. So I'd have to stop every so often, and squint at the tiny number in the corner to decipher it. I stopped trying to piece together the mystery strung along by the text during the loading screens about ten minutes into the game. This is because of the combination of the horrendous text choice, and the fact that you never had enough time to read it unless you divided reading duties between you and your co-op partner. Which is always awesome.

When I wasn't constantly feeling tense because the character you use is totally ill-equiped technique and equipment-wise for the task, I felt bored with the combat. Basically what it boiled down to for me was to have one teammate shoot legs, have one character rush in and kick and punch people or waggle their knife in their faces without getting groped or stabbed. Or if you faced more difficult enemies, take a couple shots, and then have to put away your gun, pivot and run awkwardly away until you had ample room to re-orient yourself and shoot some more and repeat. Why should I be impressed by this?

When you get into the third chapter and start to face tougher enemies, and the knife becomes more and more useless, it gets even more difficult to try and conserve ammunition, and more trying to trudge through the game. The small windows allotted for the punching and kicking X button tasks can be half-wasted waiting for your character to put away their knife after releasing the left bumper. Then by the time you've missed the window and react to it, the enemy has recuperated and even despite being the slowest moving thing on earth, can still manage to fall over on you faster than you can take out your knife again and swing it to ward them off.

That's enough bitching. I could go on, talking about how I don't understand why melodramatic, and overly tacky dialogue still exist in gaming without uproar from the majority of people, and why control schemes like these are still accepted. Since the novelty and effect have worn thin long ago, so that can't possibly be the reason. The way I see it is that fans are caught up in nostalgia and stylization that they're complacent with shoddy design. Seriously, I'd invite someone to tell me that they honestly don't mind these features of the game, that they add to it even. Why do we put up with garbage like this? The game suffers from being way better in theory (or action cutscenes) than in practice. There is so much rad potential that doesn't even come close to translating into the gameplay.

Basically, fuck Resident Evil 5. I couldn't care less about ever playing it again.