From time to time, Press or Fans of something hold an object on such a high pedestal that any attempts to touch or share this sacred object with others becomes a punishable offense. These, ladies and gentlemen, are Sacred Cows. That's why I'm going to take these beasts of burdens out back and put the bullets between the eyes that they deserve.

This times sacred cow is known as Dante's Inferno for PS3/360/PC. Admittedly, a game based around The Divine Comedy sounds pretty damn boring. If one would make a direct translation of the Inferno chapter of Divine Comedy, ignoring the Purgatory and Paradise chapters, you'd still have an excessively dry game. Don't believe me? It's been done. Hope you have a Commodore 64 lying around for it. Whether Dante's Inferno would make a great game or not is not the area of contention. Many are arguing that it simply shouldn't be done or should be done with proper respect (aka, pretty boring).

This is a cute sentiment. And that's how I'm going to take it, condescendingly. Because ALL of the critics of this game have been VERY condescending towards the developers, likening them to children or monsters for daring to touch this property which is, of course, public domain nowadays. Let's turn back the clock before Dante's Inferno was announced. Visceral Games was actually turning out to be a damn good studio. Many of Dante's current critics could not stop raving about Dead Space. And for what? Being able to craft a well done, horrifying and "unique" experience.


Oh yes, I put quotes on there. Dead Space is many things, but unique? You're investigating a derelict spaceship where something horrible happened. This theme was overused long before even Event Horizon got to it. And yet here we were claiming the Ghost Ship theme was something truly new and unique to gaming. But the game was well made and expertly crafted. Thus any unoriginality was ignored because, well, they made an awesome game.

Now let's look at the typical reactions to hands-on with Dante's, shall we? According to most, despite being a GOW clone, it's wellcrafted and fun to play. So if the games QUALITY is not in question, and shouldn't truly be a question until we all get to play it, what's the big f'ing deal, bitch? Because they are making a mockery of what Dante's Inferno was about. It wasn't a balls-out action tale about tearing through hell to retrieve his childhood crush Beatrice. Or was it?

Think back for a minute to the era when The Divine Comedy was written and compare it to it's literary contemporaries. Wow, The Divine Comedy was very much the "summer movie" of the literary world back then. Taken out of the contemporary framework and thrust into modern day, of course it's tame and introspective. Back then, a winged creature with the face of an honest man and s corpians tale was enough to thrill. Nowadays, we have Saw to confirm our morality. Consider this, in Shakespeares time, he was the Michael Bay we all spit upon. He was lowbrow entertainment for the high society. Thrilling tales expertly spun merely to leave the audience on the very edge of their seat. In our day and age, Shakespeare is looked upon as high art. In Dante's time, his poem was to thrill, to excite, to fire the imaginations on what hell could be. This was NOT high art, this was lowbrow entertainment. Fourteenth Century Pulp Fiction, The Divine Comedy. Granted, the base thrills of a society where most cannot even afford the education to read, those who can read have higher interest than what cool shapes can be formed from mud, but I digress.

The reason I make this point? To shatter illusions the lit majors will use as a rebuttal. This is a timeless tale, like Boewolf, that shouldn't be sullied by modern action entertainment designs. Obviously this means that when Dante's Inferno ships, all previous copies of The Divine Comedy ever printed will be recalled and adjusted to the new fiction. Right? No? Well then once again, what's the big f'ing deal, bitch?


Now I'd like to take you on a hilarious sidetrack. One where Will Smith and Jeff Goldbloom helped save the world from an alien invasion in War of the Worlds. What's that? You say they did that in Independance Day? No, sir. They did it in the War of the Worlds remake entitled Independance Day. There are MORE than a couple modernization tactics at work in this famous remake. As an example, the saucers were crescent shaped with an eye on top, the small aliens walked about on huge walkers (which were obviously scaled down), the larger ships were 10 miles wide, and they were ultimately defeated by a virus. Independance Day was VERY MUCH a War of the Worlds ripoff. So why didn't we care?

1. Hardly anyones familiar with War of the Worlds aside from pop culture mythos (when Orsen Welles drove the nation mad with a radio play... supposedly)

2. Independance Day didn't have the respect to acknowledge their obvious source material and as such, didn't get called out on it.

I point this out because a LOT of the Alien Invasion imagery in pop culture still comes from a blatant ripoff. Most people don't care if something is a ripoff. It's not in their nature despite the claims to the contrary. Gamers? FChrists sake what a bunch of children arguing over petty, petty, petty shit. I once saw someone post that a LIGHTING EFFECT was stolen from another game. So let's look back at an imaginary meeting at Visceral as Dante's was being concepted.

Guy No 1: I'd really like to do an action platformer next.
Guy No 2: Yeah, but with what setting?
Guy No 3: Hells popular...
Guy No 2: Everyones done Hell... I mean they did hell on Mars for fucks sake.
Guy No 3: We could do a Hell people haven''t done before...
Guy No 1: Yeah, like the hell they talk about in the movie Seven... with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie...
Guy No 2: You're an idiot with a brilliant idea... nobody's done the nine layers of hell in a video game...
Guy No 3: But guys, The Divine Comedy is a beloved tale enjoyed by lit majors through the ages... we cannot tarnish such a name.
Guy No 2: But if we don;t acknowledge our inspiration, gamers will give us endless layers of shit.
Guy No 1: There's no solution...
Guy No 2: Of course there is. Fuck the lit majors. They're still fapping about Braid anyway. 98% of the population doesn't care about how accurate we are to a thousand year old poem. And really, most gamers just want to be entertained. We'll acknowledge the inspiration but update it to gameplay standards. Blowing around in a giant whirlwind doesn't sound very fun to me anyway....


I'm sure that's exactly how it happened. Visceral wanted to make an action game based on the nine layers of hell, but the source for that concept was, in fact, the Inferno chapter of The Divine Comedy. So the question becomes how do you USE another persons idea without stealing it outright? Why NOT completely reenvision Dante's Inferno to a more modern gameplay sensability? Oh yeah, the complainers. The ones who will talk about how it shows a lack of respect towards the source material. Consider this concept for a second, someone bashing another for not showing Vaudeville the utter respect it deserves. That's what the complaint really is, at it's core.

o let's take that sacred cow out for one last drink from the stream while I load my shotgun. The arguement has been made that Visceral COULD make this game without the title and avoid a vast majority of this backlash. That is 100% correct. Visceral could create another generic action hero, another damsel in distress, and we could ultimately hear nothing about Julius Caesar and not get to see Judas being chomped about the middle mouth of a six winged Satan trapped in ice. A vast majority of the complaints would instantly disappear overnight. Who knows, maybe even Reverend Anthony could enjoy this game. At this point, I could see Visceral Games temptation to do just that and quit all the bitching.

But as an artist, if I attempt to draw something I see somewhere, I'm compelled to acknowledge the source. If I'm making a game that's a character based twin stick shooter, you bet your ass I'm acknowledging the game designers of Robotron 2084, Smash TV, and Cannon Spike in my credits. Point is, most decent people are compelled not to claim ideas as their own. Most decent people are compelled to give credit where it's due. Dante's Inferno is not a remake of The Divine Comedy in gameplay form. Instead, it's a reimagining. Visceral Games doesn't want to try and outdo the original, it's fine as it is. The entire time, the message has been "this is OUR version of this, not Dante's." Them saying they want Dante to be badass or hell to be a horrifying vision is something they are owning themselves. They've long since seperated their property from the source material. It's about time the Dante's Inferno Sacred Cow Cult do the same.

*Blam* I'm Done....


Next Sacred Cow: The Citizen Kane of Gaming....