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life-long gamer, and proud owner of an Xbox 360, a Sony PSP, Nintendo DS, a Nintendo 64, a broken PS2 and NES, and an "incapacitated" Sega Genesis
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seymourbutts
7:46 PM on 12.19.2007

After a long (like my cock) time of being away from the dtoid community because i'm lame, im back hopefully for a good while. I usually try to do humorous stuff. If you want you can look at my old posts to see sort of how i write.


also, christian bale








Im sure many of you are familiar with the Splinter Cell games. You lurk around in the dark, attempting to complete very specific missions without being seen. However, the upcoming installment, Splinter Cell Conviction, will give you a whole new experience, and completely redefine Splinter Cell.

In the new Splinter Cell, Sam Fisher has gone from a secret agent to a fugitive. He is now hunted by the agency he used to work for, and potentially others (JBA?). In this game, you will no longer be infiltrating buildings belonging to terrorists. Instead, you will be walking around in broad daylight, amongst the numerous civilians. Instead of blending into the shadows, you will be blending into crowds of people when you don't want to be seen. This time around, it looks like Sam will have no guns, or other gadgets, but instead will be able to use almost anything and everything he finds in his environment as a weapon, such as throwing a chair, or flipping a table over on to someone, or possibly smashing their head into a counter at a restauraunt, and pick up enemies' weapons after you take them out. I wasn't quite able to tell from the footage I saw, but it looks like you may no longer be put in specific levels in which you are limited in exploration, and you leave as soon as your mission is done, but rather put into an open world, where you can explore to your heart's content while looking for clues to why you are suddenly being hunted.


This time you'll go hand to hand.


Or chair to hand.

Also, as Sam will be blending in with the civilians, he will be sporting a new look. He will no longer be wearing his spy gear, but instead jeans, a t-shirt, a hooded jacket and a backpack. And no more night vision goggles, or masks, this time arond all he has on his head is some pretty long hair, and a beard.


Sam's new look

Overall, this game looks like it could turn out to be the best Splinter Cell yet, and should attract even people who were not fans of the previous Splinter Cells, due to the limited gameplay.

http://gameinvasion.comcast.net/gameinvasion/show/#2045152_splinter_cell_conviction/2045307_splintercell_conviction
Some early in-game footage.







seymourbutts
12:05 PM on 08.01.2007

I'm sure many, if not all of you have heard of an old Atari 2600 game by the name of Custer's Revenge. If you don't know what Custer's Revenge is, you are missing out. It is a game in which you are a very pixellated 2-d little pink man, with a massive erection, General Custer. Your objective is to guide custer across the screen, while avoiding arrows shot by indians, so he can rape indian women.


This game was extremely controversial. In other words, it pissed off all kinds of femenist bitches, and some groups working for Native American rights, who I actually sympthize with.

Although, I do feel for the indians, I think this game should make a comeback. It could be just the game the Wii needs to rocket to the top of sales. Yes, that's right, I think Custer's Revenge should come back as a Wii exclusive game.

Think about it. It would be perfect. It could combine all elements of gaming, utilize the wiimote in every way possible, and provide some extra entertainmant for a few of our more lonely gamers. You would still do basicaly the same thing, as in the old version, run across the screen towards the large-chested indian woman, who could even be made extra hot with the graphics of today, by holding the wiimote and nunchuck controller in your hands, and moving your arms in a jogging motion, but this time, if an arrow comes at you, move your hand with the wiimote in a swiping motion, and deflect it, yes, Custer CAN deflect arrows with his bare hands (or his oversized dick). An indian rushing out to try and untie his hot daughter? Point the wiimote at him and shoot his ass! Then, once you make it to the captive indian woman, hold the wiimot down in front of your crotch, and start doing pelvic thrusts. If she tries to stop you, or get away, make another swiping motion with the wiimote to slap that bitch until she stays still.


Still controvesial? Yes. Still pornographic? Yes. Most fun Wii game out there? If you can handle shooting indians, and raping their women, YES.








It seems like a popular thing to do these days is to hate on video games, a beloved passion of many, children and adults alike. It's always, "This retard kid killed this other retard kid after playing a video game!" But they never seem to take into account the kid's abusive parents, or if he was doing drugs, or drinking.


Anyway, that's not the point. People always seem to try to find the bad parts of games like, for example, Dead Rising. Dead Rising is one of my personal favorite games. Now while chopping a zombie's head off with a katana is extremely enjoyable, and satisfying, I'm sure all of the anti-gamers out there would FREAK at the possibility of beheading an npc, with blood spewing out. They don't seem to realize that the head rolling around on the floor, or the neck-fountain of blood is not the important part. The important thing is what, or rather, WHO the head and massive amounts of blood belong to. a ZOMBIE. Anyone who would NOT throw a molotov cocktail into a horde of undead is the real horrible person. What I'm saying, is that while some video games out there do put you in the shoes of a ruthless villain, MOST video games give you control of the hero. Someone attempting to save the world, or at least parts of it, or people in it. Even if that hero does enjoy a good bloodfest while trying to save the world, or gets bored and has to kill a few innocent civilians, so be it. Heros need entertainment too. Thus, by not liking video games, they don't like saving the world, so by simple logic, people who don't like video games hate the world and don't want it saved. EVER.

Seriously though, if you HONESTLY are worried about you kids learning something dangerous from video games, don't worry about them learning that you can kill police officers. They can learn that ANYWHERE. If you are really worried about your kids learning something from video games, worry about them learning that you can jump off the nearest 100-floor building and come back to life at the last moment in time where they read a book, or stayed at a hotel. Worry that your only son will play Virtua Tennis and decide that he wants to play tennis like a little pussy too.

Get that kid some Gears of War! Worry that your only daughter will play her brother's Gears of War, and decide she wants a sex change so she can be a badass like Fenix. Get that ho some Tomb Raider, show her that you can be a hot babe and still kill people as well as a huge dude in 2-ton armor.








In my opinion, the Resident Evil game series, has always been a very good one. I'm not sure if I can say the same for the movies, but the games are usually good. When I played the demo version of Resident Evil 4 on Gamecube, at my local Gamestop, I almost came in my pants. Yeah, it seemed that good. Sadly, I never got to buy it though.


This game has you taking down more Africans than a Cops marathon

But, it was nothing compared to the upcoming installment. From the one trailer and several screenshots I have seen, it appears to be set in third-world Africa. Off to a great start already, no? You appear to be dealing with the same kind of problem as the last game, zombie-esque freaks of nature, but this time, instead of the usual moaning, groaning, growling, and incoherent screams, you may be hearing something better, the various clicks that make up the various African languages. Also there is not only the possibility of eradicating the disease(?) that turns these decent Africans, into bloodthirsty Africans (sounds like America), but also, just maybe, you can kill two birds with one stone and rid the world of AIDS.


"I have AIDS"


Okay, so I admit that I don't know much about this game yet, but I am DEFINITELY looking forward to it. It looks like there is more blatant racism going into this game, than there is at a KKK meeting, and is sure to keep you laughing the entire time. And that is in NO way going to make it bad.


This man is my hero

I would eat babies to get my hands on this game.