So here's something: more fun from ESRB ratings. Not quite the level of the ones Jim Sterling has found, but funny nonetheless.

Left 4 Dead 2 - "intense depictions include: piles of the Infected in a pool of blood along the roadside; intestines spilling out of abdominal wounds; zombie gibs shooting in all directions; charred innards; and skeletal bits and unclaimed torsos."

Bioshock 2 - "...in one instance, an enemy attacks Delta while screaming, "F**king sodomites everywhere!"

Who's gonna claim the torsos?

Candystand.com is a site who's primary purpose is to give students something to do while the teacher isn't looking. The games are generally simple, Flash-based, and branded to hell and back. Seriously, a game where you play as a piece of Extra brand gum with a jet-pack and score points by touching packs of said gum brand? It's like playing a commercial! But it's free, and for some reason, my school's content filter doesn't block it, despite blocking every other site that so much as says the word "game", including our dearly-beloved Destructoid.



i'll finally be rid of the place in only a few weeks. good riddance.

The best game Candystand has to offer, in my opinion, is Blastrix. Think Asteroids meets Geometry Wars. I'll be judging this game, and any others if I ever feel like doing this again, on 5 main features: Graphics, Gameplay, Sound, Copycattism, and Advertisation. So here we go...



Graphics
Almost everthing in this category also falls under "Copycattism". The visuals are basically just Asteroids with Geometry Wars colors and explosions. I like the style, and it's well implemented for a Flash game. The movement of the stars in the background could keep me entertained for...minutes.

Gameplay
The movement is straight up Asteroids. You move around in the same drifty fashion, shooting at asteroids and enemies. Autofire is automatically on, but can be switched off at the title screen. The enemies are simple but distinct, even though that blue three-pointed one is rather unfair. It can hit you from any point on the field; there is no way to avoid it other than killing it ASAP. Extra health and extra lives are a little too few and far between.

Sound
The music is mediocre techno. Nothing fancy, but listenable. I recommend turning off the sound effects though.

Copycattism
Very little in this game didn't come from Asteroids or Geometry Wars. It's a nice amalgamation, though. Two great tastes that taste great together.

Advertisation
There's a commercial before you play the game, just like every other game on Candystand, and the title screen has a big Orbit logo at the top. But while I was playing, I didn't see the logo in the bottom left corner until I thought to look for it. It's pretty easy to ignore, and it's the reason the game is free. Not that I'd pay money for this.



Blastrix a slightly-better-than-mediocre game, and a fun alternative to, you know, actually working on schoolwork.


to play old-skool Asteroids, go here
to play Geometry Wars, buy it on Xbox Live Arcade, Wii, or DS
to play Blastrix, click on the word Blastrix

I've played a lot of Call of Duty 4 in the last week or two (Lieutenant Colonel FTW!). I would keep playing, but my Live subscription ran out...*tear*. No more powning noobs until I pony up the cash. One of the nice features of the multiplayer game is the Killcam: you get to watch from your opponent's point of view how he killed you.

Quick Tangent:
Killcam gets really confusing in splitscreen. Lots of time-delayed gunshot noises.

Sterling recently wrote an article in which he layed down the "Golden Rules of Online Gaming".
These were, of course, ridiculously satirical. But one of the rules is that lag is always to blame. You can never have proof of this: rational people (i.e. people who don't blame lag) would simply assume that their opponent probably just barely survived. You can't legitimately blame lag...until now.

Every time I died, I would look forward to seeing my opponent brought to the edge of death, red tunnel-vision pulsing as they were reminded of their own feeble mortality. Instead, I am greeted with a clear view as they merrily shoot the living shit out of me while barely taking a hit.

What the HELL.

I am shooting RIGHT AT YOU.

Why aren't you DEAD. Or at least GETTING HIT.

raaaaaaaaaaagh*smash* *crash* *bang* *anger*

Has anyone else noticed this? Or am I just trying to shift blame?

I recently noticed a c-blog post by a fellow who goes by the name mcbennet. he observed the phenomenon of horrible video game box art. I would like to expand on that, starting with my comment on his entry:

"if you take a look at DVD covers you'll notice the same thing. covers are always plastered with pictures of the main characters. they want to say, "hey, look! it's a famous person!" i think game covers just copy off that. if you look at the promotional posters for movies, they often have awesome semi-minimalist designs, like those RE4 covers. then the actual box is just FACES OH BOY."

Take the Orange box, for instance. HL2 has the lambda symbol. Portal has the falling-into-portal figure. I'm not sure what TF2 has, but i'm sure they could think of something. Do they use those? Yes to Portal. But TF2 and HL2 have Freeman and Heavy Weapons Guy, two glaringly differently styled characters.

I found it at Blockbuster.

It's time to break out the old Gameboy Color.

I'm excited.

That is all.