Thank god you're here, Commander Shep- I mean, uh, Locke.. no, no let me think, I'll get it don't worry. Link? Gah, there's so many of you Hero types that I can hardly keep track. You know what? Forget it, there's a line forming.

Look, Hero. We got a problem. Well, we got a really big problem and a few dozen completely non-related and trivial problems.... and a few that are related but gotta be done a few times over. Don't look at me like that, nobody said this was easy, or even fun. If you don't like it those four guys behind you are more than willing. (Seriously, where do we get these guys?)



First order of business: the really big problem. The Nefarious Villain has occupied a planet, or was it a town? Actually, I think it's a giant pile of junk. In any case, he's posing an immediate and serious threat to the safety of our world, end of freedom for all, yadda yadda you know the drill. Hey, would you stop looking at me like that? I don't got the time to be all dramatic for you guys. Do you see all this paperwork? We got a lot of problems here you know! You think you're the only ones doing all the work? Who do you think takes care of your pay roll and managing your progress? Yeah, that's right "you're sorry." Whatever. (Freakin' stuck up heroes think the whole bloody world owes them a free life.)

Sigh, anyway. This Nefarious Villain must be defeated a-sap. Nothing else must stand in your way. If you could just get to him that'd make my life so much easier. What's in it for you? What's in it for you?! You get to go home to a parade, a nice relaxing credit sequence and probably a little action with whatever bimbo you end up saving. You wanna know what's it in for me? Shitty coffee and a nagging wife. (God damn Heroes!)



What do you need to defeat him? Well, let me look up your save file. Hmm... well for starters you're only level 35. You'll probably want to be at least 50. That is, if you don't want to get wiped in the first precious moments of that encounter. So, it probably wouldn't hurt if you squeezed in a few of these trivial problems. The town of Noughwear has a problem with docile wolves, there's a collective of cultist crazies that are about as scary as kittens compared to The Nefarious Villain. And, well, you'll need a key to access his Space Fort, which is scattered all over the place in tiny pieces. I think 40 last I checked. Oh, and you'll probably have to pay for the priveledge of knowing where they are, so.. don't roll your eyes at me! You signed up for this gig, this is what you get. Maybe you want a transfer to the Tetris department? Sure it sounds easy, but that shit just keeps coming you know.



Anyhow, because you've been slacking off and just going through the main story points of your overall assignment, you're basically gonna have to fix all these other problems first. Great. Man you guys are a piece of work you know that? You get to go all over the known bloody universe, nailin' broads and killing monsters while I sit here, slowly dying inside. You know all that time you spend out there is billable? Who do you think gets to explain that to them, huh? yeah.. hey, where're you going? You forgot your.. aw whatever.

Why did I stop smoking?

Next! Ok, thank god you're here, blah blah.. look, we got a problem....