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Nothing is sacred: A Serious Threat, but first!
robotbebop | 9:11 PM on 10.14.2009 8 comments




Thank god you're here, Commander Shep- I mean, uh, Locke.. no, no let me think, I'll get it don't worry. Link? Gah, there's so many of you Hero types that I can hardly keep track. You know what? Forget it, there's a line forming.

Look, Hero. We got a problem. Well, we got a really big problem and a few dozen completely non-related and trivial problems.... and a few that are related but gotta be done a few times over. Don't look at me like that, nobody said this was easy, or even fun. If you don't like it those four guys behind you are more than willing. (Seriously, where do we get these guys?)



First order of business: the really big problem. The Nefarious Villain has occupied a planet, or was it a town? Actually, I think it's a giant pile of junk. In any case, he's posing an immediate and serious threat to the safety of our world, end of freedom for all, yadda yadda you know the drill. Hey, would you stop looking at me like that? I don't got the time to be all dramatic for you guys. Do you see all this paperwork? We got a lot of problems here you know! You think you're the only ones doing all the work? Who do you think takes care of your pay roll and managing your progress? Yeah, that's right "you're sorry." Whatever. (Freakin' stuck up heroes think the whole bloody world owes them a free life.)

Sigh, anyway. This Nefarious Villain must be defeated a-sap. Nothing else must stand in your way. If you could just get to him that'd make my life so much easier. What's in it for you? What's in it for you?! You get to go home to a parade, a nice relaxing credit sequence and probably a little action with whatever bimbo you end up saving. You wanna know what's it in for me? Shitty coffee and a nagging wife. (God damn Heroes!)



What do you need to defeat him? Well, let me look up your save file. Hmm... well for starters you're only level 35. You'll probably want to be at least 50. That is, if you don't want to get wiped in the first precious moments of that encounter. So, it probably wouldn't hurt if you squeezed in a few of these trivial problems. The town of Noughwear has a problem with docile wolves, there's a collective of cultist crazies that are about as scary as kittens compared to The Nefarious Villain. And, well, you'll need a key to access his Space Fort, which is scattered all over the place in tiny pieces. I think 40 last I checked. Oh, and you'll probably have to pay for the priveledge of knowing where they are, so.. don't roll your eyes at me! You signed up for this gig, this is what you get. Maybe you want a transfer to the Tetris department? Sure it sounds easy, but that shit just keeps coming you know.



Anyhow, because you've been slacking off and just going through the main story points of your overall assignment, you're basically gonna have to fix all these other problems first. Great. Man you guys are a piece of work you know that? You get to go all over the known bloody universe, nailin' broads and killing monsters while I sit here, slowly dying inside. You know all that time you spend out there is billable? Who do you think gets to explain that to them, huh? yeah.. hey, where're you going? You forgot your.. aw whatever.

Why did I stop smoking?

Next! Ok, thank god you're here, blah blah.. look, we got a problem....



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8 comments | showing # 1 to 8

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megaStryke's Destructoid Blog
Strikers Peach is so hot.
robotbebop's Destructoid Blog
Thank god for Strikers, I was not looking forward to wading through heaps of creepy fan art.
BulletMagnet's Destructoid Blog
Heh, while I could probably go on awhile about the tone in which you chose to address this issue, I'll instead just say I agree with your general gist that developers should be more honest about just how "optional" their sidequests really are, and be done with it.
Authur's Destructoid Blog
Just a minor note, this was taken from a manuscript for a 2006 game for the Next Gen Console called Ambiguous Adventure RPG, which takes place in Everyworldever, where Average Hero Guy with Powers lives. :P
robotbebop's Destructoid Blog
Authur, that's hardly minor. I honestly haven't ripped anybody off; at least not on purpose. this all came off the top of my head. Can you link me to the article you mentioned so I can compare?
BulletMagnet's Destructoid Blog
I think Arthur was kidding.
Krud's Destructoid Blog
Yeah, what BulletMagnet said. (Though I can understand why you may have not picked up on it after having seen the phrase "this was taken from...")

ANYway, this was a fun and clever poke at the whole "Urgent, but not really" nature of most RPG storylines.

One good thing about the original Fallout game was that you didn't have much time to futz around; if you didn't fix the water purifier in time, they died, you lost, end of story. [Even though the story did go far beyond that.] Few games have that sense of urgency while still allowing for player flexibility. (I think a patch was released to eliminate the time factor, which was a shame, if you ask me. Not that anyone did. ';P)
robotbebop's Destructoid Blog
Oh. yeah. I just realized Arthur's joke now and I feel somewhat dumb.


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 about me

C:\> DSTRTOID.COM /U ROBOTBEBOP /?
Destructoid.com version 1.337.
Copyrights (C) 1980-1989 NieroSoft.

ROBOTBEBOP is a video gaming enthusiast.
ROBOTBEBOP is located in CANADA.
See /? CANADA for more information.

Commands available for ROBOTBEBOP:
- /E - Command ROBOTBEBOP to eat FOOD, default PEROGIES.

- /S - Command ROBOTBEBOP to sleep.

- /P - Command ROBOTBEBOP to program something.
** WARNING: Use this feature at your own risk! the PROGRAM subroutines can (and frequently will) cause severe sleep deprivation and possibly even destruction of CRITICAL SOFTWARE DATA.

- /B - Command ROBOTBEBOP to drink BEER.
** WARNING: Use this feature at your own risk! the BEER subroutines will cause performance slowdown and possible memory dumps. The severity of these issues will depend on how many times BEER was used in an hour.

- /G - Command ROBOTBEBOP to game. Default SFIV.

For more information, please RTFM.



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