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"I am hoping that I can be known as a great writer and actor some day, rather than a sex symbol." - Words of wisdom from the deity Steven Seagal

"Existence is random. Has no pattern save what we imagine after staring at it too long. No meaning save what we choose to impose." - Alan Moore from Watchmen

My own writing reflects the opinion of every corporation, company, individual, monsters, and gods. Also, cocks!

Coming soon as an actual book you can buy The Bonerquest. Hopefully you'll buy a copy when I'm done with it.

Will you accept The Bonerquest?

Zombies Ate My Neighbors is the best game ever.

Read fun articles Josh (Charlie) wrote for Tomopop or Nukezilla! Professionalism! Also I did some news for Destructoid. Sort of a real writer!

Check out Josh Hayes, a name Charlie uses for journalism on the internet so that he can say silly personal things without the fear of them being exposed openly. That and to hide from people he knew who he don't want to find him, not no way, not no how.

Twitter, or Tumblr!

Old School Games articles are pretty much worth reading. They say write what you know.

X-Com UFO Defense

Zelda 2

X-Men Mutant Apocalypse

Dragon Warrior III

Castlevania III: Dracula's Curse

Final Fantasy 3 (Final Fantasy VI)

Way of the Samurai

Nick Arcade

We Love Katamari

Ninja Gaiden

Toejam & Earl

River City Ransom

Mega Man X

Pokemon Red/Blue

Yakuza series

Operation Darkness


X-Men 2: Clone Wars

Sweet Home

Legend of Dragoon

Clock Tower

Mystal Ninja/Ganabre Goemon series

Onimusha Warlords

Rockin' Kats


Spawn games

God Hand

Blood Will Tell

Super Godzilla


Animal Platformers

Robot Alchemic Drive (R.A.D.)

Buck Rodgers Countdown to Doomsday

Darkwing Duck

Shin Megami Tensei games (Persona, Devil Summoner, Devil Survivor)

Jurassic Park 2

Disgaea & other Nippon Ichi Games (Phantom Brave, Makai Kingdom, La Pucelle Tactics, Soul Nomad)

Twisted Tales of Spike Mcfang

Resident Evil

Legend of Kage

Lost Vikings

Devil May Cry

Comix Zone

X- Men

Threads of Fate

Mutant League Football

Mega Man 7

Castlevania 2

Sonic 2

Dragon Warrior 2

Donkey Kong Country

Spider-man & X-Men Arcades revenge




Splatterhouse 2

Elevator Action

Mega Man 6

Mega Man 5

Dig Dug

Mega Man 4

Mega Man 3

Mega Man 2

Rock Roll Racing


Mega Man

Beat Em Ups PART 6: Future

Beat Em Ups PART 5: Playstation 2/Xbox/Gamecube

Beat Em Ups PART 4: Playstation/Saturn

Beat Em Ups PART 3: Sega Genesis Super Nintendo

Beat Em Ups PART 2: Nintendo

Beat Em Ups PART 1: Arcade

Smash TV

Ghosts & Goblins


Werewolf Last Warrior


Dragon Warrior


Rolling Thunder

Splatterhouse 3

Doom Troopers

Demons Crest

Primal Rage

Zero Wing


G. I. Joe


Listen to Josh "randombullseye" Hayes on Destructoid's #1 bullshit podcast, Bulltoid! There were nearly fifty episodes in total, good luck.
Following (15)  

8:28 PM on 01.03.2013

When Jenny touched upon their face and felt an exposure of wires and black ooze, they uttered a cry and said as women will, "Oh Winston, this is the last time I can see you. I am not going to survive long."

This year, unlike last year, I want to make some really well defined goals.

Gaurdian Heroes still begs me to play it.

It keeps declining in value, as I look at it every day with wonder and awe. I think to myself about buying the HD remake on the Xbox 360.

9) Finish Xenogears - or a letter to ParaParaKing.

That ParaParaKing was onto me about playing Xenogears for what seemed like forever. He probably mentioned it twice to me, although him playing the part of my friend Benjy to Samit constantly messaging him about Portal makes for a better story. Even if it isn't exactly the truth, I was asked to try out Xenogears. Last month I had a week away from work for vacation, and finally played Xenogears.

Played for about two hours, is more like it.

It seems very interesting, I loved the opening film, but the actual game itself has left me wanting more. The early doomed to burn town cliche was right where I quit, just as the giant robots showed up and my character somehow had a giant robot to fight with, I quit. I have a save just before entering the robot fight, but I just didn't care enough. I liked how the anime cutscene showed up, remember when cutscenes were rewards? They were interesting glimpses at what the developer intended a game to look like, instead of just annoying movies that slow down a game?

8) Earthbound, I played that too. This year I want to finish it.

Last year, I also said I was going to try Earthbound once again, as every time I ever started it, I always hated it and found it lame.

Yeah, I really stood by that for years.

Now I'm a little more warm on it. The charm of the game has grown on me, but the gameplay has started to drag. The modern world setting is a great change of pace from the usual fantasy and science fiction settings for a role playing game, but the real winner and most important thing about Earthbound is the sense of humor the game has. Enemies are usually very silly, weapons are silly, and even the things you're tasked to do are humorous in nature. But that's the problem, humorous and silly aren't funny. They're charming and humorous, but I've never had a monsterous belly laugh or openly giggled at anything in Earthbound. It evokes a sense of childhood exploration, like The Goonies, but it doesn't have a fat kid truffle shuffling.

But, the weird stuff goes completely weird. I love weird. A whole town of giant nosed aliens who all have their own font style and speak strangely to you, that's my kind of jam. I also am quite fond of just walking into a weaker enemy and instantly defeating them, gaining those precious experience points. At this point my party is miss matched. The main character is about a dozen levels above the other two, which makes all my strategy revolve around him bashing enemies. For better or worse, I over leveled the main guy early in the game.

I'm anxious to see the ending of the game for myself. I could just watch it on you tube, but I'd be missing the context in which it needs to be sent. If you're unfamiliar with it, the creator of the game based the encounter on his perception of pornography as a child. Somehow he viewed it, I'm guessing he had an unmarked VHS tape or film reel, and just sort of saw something that made him very uncomfortable. From that, he came up with the final boss of his video game. Kind of like how all of my writing reflects my relationships with women and the really shitty things I've done as a person. I love that sort of adaptation of material, I might jump into Earthbound first.

I just finished a section in a dessert where I fought moles and found gold, so I could save the blues brothers again. This game!

7) Talk more about Suikoden: read: Play more Suikoden.

I loved both the original Suikoden games, they were fantastic. The first has aged a little harder than the second, and Suikoden II has a rough translation, but for that genre of game, they're among the best I've ever played. Nothing feels as Mbig or involving as Suikoden games. Which is probably why I didn't like Suikoden III as much. Not having a solo protagonist, Suikoden III had switching protagonists to show the same conflict from three different angles. I'm curious to play that one again and to really dive into Suikoden IV and Suikoden V, both of which I bought and never had time to finish.

But first I want to play Suikoden and Suikoden II for the tenth time. The first was rather short, I finished it in about a week? The second I recall taking two weeks. This was playing every day for an hour or two, maybe more if I was feeling froggy. I want to play them again with a fresh perspective.

6) Buck Rogers: Matrix Cubed

Another game I haven't finished, but am absolutely in love with. Last year's list, I wrote about buying copies of both Countdown to Doomsday and Matrix Cubed. Well, I have copies of both now, their "log books," and a "rule book." Computer games had some really fucked up logic for what they included in the original packaging. The log book is actually important, story relevant blocks of text that are all vital to understanding what is going on. Without this log book, I wouldn't know what was happening at all. For example, the flavor text in the game says "he explains everything about the laser, see log book entry #27!" Well, then you're supposed to open this book, find the twenty seventh entry, and that is what the character says to you. Rather than you know, actually display the text in the god damned game, it has this bullshit. I'm assuming the AD&D games by the same developer pull the same stunt.

Luckily, I also have what is called a "rule book." This is a strategy guide that has maps, outlines exactly where to go and what to say for the best possible outcome of a situation. If I absolutely cannot figure out where to go or what to do, I love having this. Otherwise, I don't want to look in it's direction at all.

Last year I completed the DOS version of Countdown to Doomsday. It was pretty incredible to play the original version of this game, the "real" version of a game I loved so much. All the things I enjoy about the game are there, somewhat expanded upon. The graphics definitely need overhauled, they're butt ugly and occasionally non-existant. In the Genesis game you had a physical representation of your character to equip weapons onto in one of the strangest menus ever in a game.

In the original DOS game, it is simple text with equipped items listed as such.

What's really great is that Matrix Cubed allows me to pull in my team of killers from Countdown to Doomsday, which is a process not all that complicated. I managed to pull it off with relative ease in a program called Boxer for my mac book. I'm now playing what turns out is more like the second half of the same game, than a real sequel. It's more of the same. All the skills and weapons all seem very similar. Enemies are different, but use strategies that are much more intense than the first game. Everyone seems to have grenades and wants to use them, luckily, I have rocket launchers and missile launchers that utterly decimate them, which amuses the fuck out of me every single time I do that.

I'm curious to see how the plot of the game plays out. If the adventure is as wonderful as the Countdown to Doomsday was.

1) Release episodes of a retro gaming podcast I recorded last year!

Myself, Tony Ponce, and Bianca Torres all did some podcasts about retro games last year. The first of which, I released as a secret bonus kind of thing last year.

My Top games of 2012

Lone Survivor - As far as horror goes, nothing was as effecting as this. Silent Hill's developer Konami has forgotten how they made Silent Hill 2, but the one guy who developed Lone Survivor has taken extensive notes and made something incredible that must be played. It takes the David Lynch black lodge moments to the extreme and gives a sense of isolation that is unparalleled by a game. I want everyone I know to try this game out.

Penny Arcade 3 - I hate Penny Arcade and it's characters, this game is mechanically amazing and actually has some funny bits. Every enemy has a humorous design and description, in fact, all the flavor text has a great layer of humor applied to it. The way your MP builds every round really made for an interesting game, even if I had to play on hard for it to be the least bit challenging. This being 2012, one boss was imbalanced and patched to be beatable on hard, but otherwise I was able to smoke this game. I look foreword to more from this developer.

Hotline Miami - Best music, great gameplay, and the subject matter was as bleak and dark as games are willing to go currently. I'm very excited for the sequel. I want to play that. Just the sense of evil this game has, I love that feeling. It feels like Tuesday.

F.T.L. - I love this game. The melancholy of the music seems to mock me, as most missions end in a malaise of my own failures as a ship captain. Flying from point to point and the sheer variety of strategies I could try out have kept me coming back to this one over and over. One day I'll beat the big boss ship, when I do, I'll feel really satisfied with myself. This game doesn't forgive and I like that.

X-Com: Enemy Unknown - They don't make games like this anymore. Even with persistent bugs and errors that have plagued it, games that are actually games don't come around all the time. Coming up with a strategy for my base, then watching as every nation slowly panics until I have no funding for anything and lose completely hurts. Of anything released this year, this is the only game I still want to play through on harder difficulties or even just play on normal. It has so many variables to play with, I love it. I'm playing this as soon as I'm done writing this.

The best game I played this year, was Dragon Quest III for the Super Nintendo. I fought the big boss who turns out not to be the big boss, like in all Dragon Quest games I always forget that, and he wiped my party down to a low leveled warrior who could only attack and desperately I watched turn after turn. My health get lower, my attack hits him. He hits, my health goes red. I hit him for some damage. He hits me, now I'm down to a single digit of health. The next hit from him, will kill me. I sigh, realizing I can't possibly win. I anxiously press the attack command, because I can't go out just dying. The attack strikes for a critical hit, killing the boss. [url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9D-QD_HIfjAThat is how play video games[/url] and why I play video games.

There's still a few games I want to check out, but I'm pretty satisfied with the games on this list.
Photo Photo Photo

My first book, Bonerquest had a preview posted this month of the entire first chapter. I put it up here on Destructoid, because this is where I post things. It was online all day, I hope you read it. I received no comments or e-mails about it, so I can only assume I wasted a great deal of time writing the thing. I'm bothered by that and have become completely distraught, with feelings of hopelessness. I had a week off work this month, which I slept through most of. I'm apparently very tired. I'm beaten, but not defeated. I'm going to pursue advertising my books elsewhere. I've an admission to make about Destructoid, I don't follow it as closely as I used to.

The website feels splintered and everything is compartmentalized away from everything else. The Dtoid Show is a Revision 3 internet television program, with its own rules and logic. The cblogs are the opinion columns, where everyone who wants to be heard tries desperately to say something. The forums are a wild west all there own, the once small haven has now blossomed into a mess where I can post silly things and leave them for weeks before anyone finds them. And then there is Podtoid, where they talk about sucking each others dicks for two hours every week. And then and then, there's twitter, google groups, e-mail groups, facebook, twitch, and all these other fragmentations of Destructoid. I don't feel like I need to come to Destructoid's website to be a part of the group anymore.

I went to Boston to meet up with Destructoid. It was a strange experience. I was gifted a lapel pin of the mascot by Hamza himself. I met with guys from the Destructoid Twitch channel, the channel that every time I've barely visited. I wear that pin and my Tomopop T-shirt I bought and my Retroforce GO T-shirt, and I wonder if I'm wearing advertising or wearing something I'm proud to be a part of.

Here are the games I played this month.

The Walking Dead - Steam

I donít think I spoiled anything here, I put out my choices in a very general way.

Iíd finished the first part, months ago when it was new. I made the final choice everybody else did, sided with Kenny. So when Episode 2 started, I was pumped. I messed up the first bit, really, really bad. Then I didnít shoot the woman, but I did kill all three of the other characters. They all deserved it, jerks! I liked Episode 2, but the plotline was extraordinarily cliche and I saw it coming a hundred miles before it happened.

Episode 3 seemed to last forever. It just kept going and going, with more and more things happening then slowing things down to an agonizing crawl. I hate the crawly parts where I have to walk back and fourth with items trying to find the right one for certain situations. Those are dumb. I like talking to the characters, but when I have to solve situations by finding the right object, and I donít know which object I need and have to slowly walk from one screen, through another, finally to the one where I need to use an item, and it fails, three times, I get kind of bummed about that type of stuff. Otherwise, this one had some great moments. I left the girl, let Kenny take care of things, and I wanted to kick the guy off the train. It wouldnít give me that option, but I wanted to just pick him up and throw him off right there.

Ironically, the character I wanted to kill, I later saved when presented the choice to kill him or not. I felt bad about leaving the girl, that she probably would have been helpful in spite of the reason why I left her. The buildup of enemies I liked, the showing of a poster of the lead bad guy is probably going to show up in the fifth episode as the main bad guy. I donít know why I have that feeling, but I do. The moments that I really enjoyed here, was when the game let me actually shoot a bunch of attacking zombies. I always yell at the screen, ďThere are only like six zombies there, you guys can take them out! You have guns! Use them you idiots!Ē

Unfortunately, the game was having noticable technical issues in episode four. The game would lag up, ocassionally messing up dialog. I had a strange bug in episode two, where Kenny leaned foreward and nodded, contiously. I laughed hysterically at that and how silly it was, but here these glitches kept happening over and over. I solved the Kenny thing by just reloading and I was right where I needed to be. Here, the bugs kept going. The game crashed to my desktop twice. Overall though, I really enjoyed the build of episode four and all these new characters. I tried to solve things peacefully, saved the guy, and I was nice to the girl when I saw the tape she was on. Things are looking bad for part five, but Iím very excited to see how my story plays out. Iíve got some help, but not everybody is coming with me for the last episode.

As I load up Episode five, I notice immediately some problems. The choice from the end of the last episode, doesnít play my choice. Only one of the three people I brought with me are here. I thought, ďNo big deal, Iíll just replay the ending and try again.Ē I did that four times, it wonít save for some reason and bring my choices over. I began playing detective searching the internet as I let the ending movie from episode four play over and over. After an hour, I decided this was the worst way I could possibly spend my vacation.

These issues tainted the entire thing for me. If I was to review this game, Iíd be pretty pissed off about it. As it is, I have wikipedia and can just read what happens and never buy another TellTale game ever again and on every news post I see about their game, I can chime in caps that this happened to me.

Something as broken as this, really bums me out. This is why video games are horrible. Iíve a lot of things I could have done, but instead I played pretend with virtual zombies and the whole thing just fucked up. Walking Dead took some cool ideas from Heavy Rain and other modern adventure games and inspiration from dialog trees to make a really fun interactive movie. Unfortunately, it is broken and messy. I had issues with my controller not wanting to work, forcing me to restart the game. Issues with dialog lagging in episode four were pretty rough. All throughout every episode, if a character hands another one something, prepare to see some wild hammer space logic applied to the game. I imagine the car battery was shoved up their ass, for safe keeping.

Iíd like to hope that theyíll patch this so it will work, but my saves for Episode 4 arenít even appearing in the folder with other saves. The game broke itself and I will forever think negatively of it, in spite of some really great moments.

4/10 - The game is broken, I donít suffer broken games.

I finally played episode five, after playing the end of episode four two more times trying to save my choices. Eventually, I started up episode five on a separate save, letting it randomize events until I got something close to where my game was. I ended episode four, the first time, with only one person not coming with me to episode five. As I finally, finally got into episode five that guy was with me. Episode five offered up some closure, but not enough for me to feel satisfied. Iím upset about the saves not importing right, one character referenced events that were the exact opposite of what happened in episode four for me and Iím not even sure if the ninja girl lived or not in this save. Iím really angry, I hope TellTale gets their shit together next summer.
They really fucked this up. I never brought up some of the worst gameplay moments of this, they really, really boned that up. If this had just been interactive fiction, without any movement or light puzzle solving or attempts at gameplay, I would have loved it more. I look foreword to the many rip offs of this style of game.

And Iím especially loving the gaming press talking about it ďstarting a new genre.Ē For a group of people who are supposed to be professionals, they sure donít know about the fucking things theyíre talking about. Not that they give a fuck.

Dark Souls Prepare to Die Edition - Steam

I like playing Dark Souls while watching TV shows on my laptop. I usually just do podcasts, but Always Sunny in Philadelphia is now on Netflix and Iím fond of that show. Iíve made it pretty deep into Dark Souls with Magic Johnson, Iím in Blightown now. My knowledge of the game has become sketchy of this part, as I hated it. Surprise, I still hate this part. Anything with little catwalks makes me uncomfortable, there was a level in Demon Souls like this as well, and I didnít like that much either. There was another part in Demon Souls, before you fight two gargoyles, that had these teeny tiny little ledges that I jumped in the air and started screaming profanity like I was in a Tarantino movie. Not that I donít always talk like Mr. White, but I do have some decency sometimes. I called a guy dick nipples this month, that seemed to break him emotionally.

Dark Souls is still amazing, I love playing it. I started over a couple other chracters, Iím about to ring the second bell with Magic Johnson, and I like this game.

Metal Warriors - Super Nintendo

In an interview on HardcoreGaming101 about Zombies Ate My Neighbors, the lead guy talked about Metal Warriors. Itís a tough game, and I like robots. I had played Cybernator the day before, just for a little bit. I also loaded up Front Mission 3, then realized how deep a game that is. The fake internet and the constant talking ruined that game for me and any Front Mission game Iíve played for that matter. I tried to do a bit of Front Mission 4 as well, but my Playstation 2 has finally died.

Let me go off on a tangent completely unrelated to Metal Warriors.

Besides the Xbox 360, is there a less reliable piece of hardware than a Playstation 2? Iíve had five of them break on me. Over the course of twelve years, that is a lot of Playstations. Iíve had disc read errors, overhearing issues, a laser that just decided not to work, and this one doesnít want to power on. Iím really pissed off at everything and hate the world.

Metal Warriors is a delightful game to play, especially when I realized I could jump out of my giant robot and play as a man with a jet pack and little pistol. I love that type of shit. It always amused me in an old Nintendo game with Metal in the title, I want to say Metal Mech, but that isnít right. I made it to the fourth level before quitting Metal Warriors upon my first death. I got to brave in the robot suit with spiked mace and just got slaughtered.

Binary Domain - Steam

Man, this is a good game! In the first hour, Iíve done some silly things. I opted out of the tutorial stuff, which is the greatest feature any modern video game can have. The storyline in this thing is a monster so dense, I just watch and nod having those same feelings with Metal Gear Solid. The storyline is also ripped from Blade Runner, I wouldnít be surprised to find out that my most trusted allies are actually the robot bad guys Iíve been fighting this whole time, or better, that my character is a robot.

That isnít why Iím into this game.

Iím into this game, because I can shoot the shit out of robots!

And the storyline is wild, full of silly situations and hilarious dialog!

I can make their legs and arms pop off really good! Even shooting their heads off is amazing in itself, but that it also then confuses them and making them shoot their friends! Now thatís a gameplay feature! I love the regular enemies, Iím right back to Ninja Turtles slaughtering robots by the dozens.

But even better than that, are the bigger robots!

I stood on top of a robot and shot itís robot brains out.

This game, is amazing!

Earthbound - SNES

I managed to find my way through the dessert mole hole!

Then, I realized I donít really like Earthbound. Charm of the world and the humor is great, but the battle system just doesnít do it for me. My characters donít feel like a team, they feel like Ness and two characters heís dragging along barely keeping alive. The storyline will end with my characters saving the world from an evil robot, no matter what. Iím doubtful anyone would die and if they did, they would just come right back like it never happened. Iím not really feeling this thing like everybody says I should be.

I like it, but I donít love it. I donít think I ever will. I quit and didnít touch it again all month.

Breath of Fire - SNES

I thought I would finish a game I always wanted to. Turns out, I donít really want to do that. I donít want to play through the first two thirds of Breath of Fire again. In fact, I donít think I want to play the last little bit either. I just, I donít know. I liked it, but Iím over it. I never want to think about Breath of Fire or Eternal Ring ever again, these games and me are broken up. I feel like making a tape of myself shooting my copy of Eternal Ring with a pistol, Iím that angry about it. That game should not have been as butt hole awful as it is.

Street Fighter IV: Arcade Edition[/size]

I love getting a game I wanted, free. I say ďfree,Ē but this isnít really free. Playstation Plus cost me money and now I have another game I had wanted.

My Playstation controller has been busted for the last year, I got a new one, but it wonít sync up or charge. So Iím playing with a busted left analog stick, which is pretty key to Zangief. All of his special moves involve spinning that stick, almost all of his moves. I still did decently. My timing is off when I do the spinning move that blocks projectiles. I feel bad that I’m so out of practice. I played a little Chun Li, but it was so bad. I managed to win, but I couldnít recall how to shoot her fireball. Iím so dumb.

Half Minute Hero - Steam

So this is actually, a really great game. I finished it on my vacation and I highly recommend it to everybody. It takes the concept of a role playing game and makes lots of jokes about the many cliches of those games, nothing we havenít seen before, but the trick is the gameplay is condensed to only thirty seconds before the villain destroys the world. You can play an entire adventure, in just a few minutes. Unfortunately, I figured out this game towards the middle, beating the poop out of it. I was able to level up and beat the boss of any level without any trouble. This is a problem for me.

When I play a game, I want challenge. I want difficulty. I want compelling gameplay. Half Minute Hero has that, but it is buried until after finishing the game multiple times. Spread across two halves, a retro graphical style and a paper cut out style, the game has a lot to play. I'm not sure I want to play any more of it after finishing up the Hero 30 portion of the game. The princess 30 and evil lord 30 were cute distractions, but I don't think I can hang with them.

I'm done with this game, as far as I'm concerned the ending where my hero was frozen for centuries is the end of the series.

Final Fantasy 3 - Super Nintendo

I loaded up an earliar save, back at the very start of the world of ruin. Actually, before I even got into the world of ruin. I quit for the first time, learning that the ninja character could not be brought back the way that I played through the final part of the first half of the game. As I played walking around, I wondered why I didnít just restart the game. It was fantastic when I first played it, but I donít have the time to restart it up. Iím thinking Iíll do that, when I find the time.

X-Com: Enemy Unknown - Steam

This is the game of the year, there isnít anything else that I still want to play that Iíve finished. Iím dusting off classic difficulty, the more I play, the better I get at playing the game. Iíve failed a few times, but the game Iím playing now Iím cleaning house. I just got laser weapons and armor, and in my first battle with the mutons I destroyed them and some crysallids pretty handily. Iím hopeful that I can finish this game with a victory.

Alundra - Playstation

I didn't like it. Conrad wrote a big stroke post about it and how great it was, but I found it to be not so great.

I'm not much for this style of rouge like, with the grids and everything. I've tried, but unless I have freedom to move and attack the way I want to, I feel like I'm playing a board game. Z.H.P. and Shiren the Wanderer bothered me for those reasons, so did the Mystery Dungeon games I played. Oh those Mystery Dungeon games. The pokemon one just seemed like garbage warmed over. Not that Alundra is garbage warmed over, it just isn't for me. It didn't grab me like games need to.

Maybe it's just action RPGs that lose me. Secret of Mana doesn't do it for me. I've had a copy of Beyond Oasis that I don't want to play either. Every time I look at a Tales game, I just can't. Tales of Phantasia looks like a lot of fun, but every time I try to start it, I just quit in the middle of the first fight. I've done that for ten years.

Xenogears - Playstation

The opening movie, grabbed me immediately. It was pretty cool. I have no idea what is actually happening in that movie, because as I finished watching it I was put into a generic fantasy town with a bad haired hero who fights with his fists. I had a feeling this town would be burned, sure enough as I finished the first little bit, a bunch of robots showed up and somehow my character also got into a robot. I quit playing at that point.

Minecraft - PC

I wasted, so much time doing nothing in minecraft. Just digging things up passes the time for me. I donít know what to say.

Endless Space - Steam

This is a civilization like strategy game, that takes place in outer space. The game has a lot of depth and I can play on the mac book, which I like.

I played through a game on the easiest setting on a tiny map. I didnít quite slaughter my enemies, against three other alien races I allied with two of them and crushed the odd man out. Then I opened borders with the orange aliens, positioned my spaceships on their worlds, then declared war on them. When I last quit, I was beaten in a couple of fights against their spaceships. Iím unsure if things will end in victory or not.

The game has a very creatively written copy, but like most PC games or role playing game books, well written copy doesnít always mean the gameplay equals into that.

Buck Rogers - Matrix Cubed - DOS

I imported my team from the first Buck Rogers, all of whom are killers. It wasnít that difficult to do either, I set it all up pretty quickly and managed to play with the command prompt bullshit without any hassle.

The game itself, actually pretty dope. It seems to have more branching paths and dialog trees than Buck Rogers had. By that, I mean I hit a couple of them in the two hours I played. Iím really into it. When I get more time to really commit to it, I want to play the ass off this game. I just want to sit with it and play nothing but it, end to end. Iíve miss located my rule book for it and the log book, so Iíll have to find those again.

Iím using a program called Boxer for my Mac book, it works much better than dos box ever did for me. Everything works and I like playing these games.

FTL - Steam

All my progress is gone. I had unlocked about half of the spaceships, maybe more. I also had the variants of some of those ships, now not unlocked. When I get to a PC again, Iíll rebuild a save and put that into my steam cloud, then have that save on my Mac. I hate that I have that thought to rebuild a save and get my progress back where it should be. Video games have become a sad, sad thing.

Operation Darkness - 360

I want to finish this, but I just canít. An hour a level, for easy levels, is making this thing the time sink of time sinks. Still, I try. I want to finish this game, but Iím doubful of it. I actually played more Lost Odyssey, just by finishing the opening cinematic tutorial stuff again. Iím on disc three, which I canít locate. Iíve got a copy, but who knows where I put that. And the storyline became so dense with all the hundred year story stuff that I had skipped, I felt like I didnít know what was happening.

I like Bioshock more in retrospect than when I actually played it. Bioshock 2 was free this month on the Playstation, but I already had it on Steam and don't want to play it again there. I have the first Bioshock on there too, with no reason to ever go back to it. All the games that are derivatives of Bioshock, which itself was a spiritual successor to another game, I play through once.

X-COM and Dark Souls I've gone back to and really enjoy playing. Both Fallout 3 and Fallout New Vegas I've gone back to, but I'm looking for new things to do and ways to do things differently. I feel like I've played everything before and I'm not sure if I liked any of it the first time through. My feelings about video games have changed a lot in the last couple years. Patches for broken games becoming an accepted thing, downloadable content that makes major retcons that cost money to add into a game, digital distribution in general hasn't done me well. I've an Xbox 360 hard drive full of games I can't play anymore. Most of which I bought again on Steam. The ones I would ever play again anyway. Everything breaks. Nothing lasts forever.

My playstation 2 died, just as I had I time on my vacation to play it. Also the power went out one day while I was on vacation. It just seems like I'm wasting my time, trying to find time for the hobby I don't like as much as I used to.

By far the least reliable hardware that Iíve ever played, is a playstation 2. I now regret buying every PS2 game I ever wanted to play. If anybody has one they donít want, Iíll take it and use it. If I decide to play games anymore.

Next year, I have to slow down playing games. Things have to change. Iím focused on writing books and producing content. I want to shoot videos and put out a comic book next year, as well as produce music. Video games arenít going to feature into those things.
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6:56 AM on 12.21.2012


I fucked up. I don't know what got me to do this or write The Bonerquest. I did it, this is a thing I actually did.

Part two, is even worse.

I hope everyone is prepared to read a book the guy in these two videos wrote.

Also, cocks!

Just one more month, before I'm done with this. I can't wait for this year to be over, I'll be a little closer to death and a lot farther from sitting here writing this. And I'll be that much worse catching up with all my video games.

Here is what I played this month,

Dragon Quest 2 - Super Nintendo

The port of this on SNES looks great, compared to my gameboy color one, this is phenomenal. But, I found out a better version exists, that looks more like Dragon Quest VI or Chrono Trigger, but that it is only on cell phones in Japan.

I've completed all the Dragon Quest games, except this, seven, and nine. I don't have two hundred hours to throw at seven, at least not until the remake comes to the states. I always felt that one looked butt ugly. Nine I stalled out on, I got hung up leveling up different classes. But two, two I played a ton of on the gameboy and once I got the boat, I became overwhelmed and quit.

Still have that, have my old save and my newer save when I worked bagging groceries and would grind levels between customers. I managed to get at least all three party members then, that was years ago.

Now I just wandered around leveling up my one guy, which was kind of enough for me. The relaxation of Dragon Quest really does it for me, so much so that I want to replay part eight so I can build my party differently, I even considered doing my Nintendo copy of the third game just to do it and do it differently, I love the flexibility those games offer, but even the stricter way you grow your team in Dragon Quest 2 really satisfies me.

Tokyo Jungle

Very little of the campagin was played, but I love it. I don't like the way I have to play survival to unlock the campaign, but I finished a level where beagles set out to take over the world. Video games are fucking awesome!

Retro City Rampage - PS3

I had it freeze on me and had to redo a mission. It was a long one too, I did it and then did a few more missions later, I wonder why I'm playing this? For every laugh I get, the gameplay gets in the way. Also, I'm not a fan of the animations here. It feels like cars are sliding around the roads, the wheels don't spin on any of them.

But when I just stopped playing, I was on a mission following Batman back to his Wayne manner.

I'm not saying I wasted money on this, this game is ok, but it isn't amazing me and I'm struggling as I play it to make out what is actually happening. Some stuff like the Batman levels are very on the nose, but other stuff is such a specific shout out that I'm lost on. Like Epic Meal Time, I don't much like those videos so having those characters means nothing to me. Nothing other than something silly I don't regularly watch is in this as a mini game, which I played through all of because I'm dumb.

Renegade Ops - PS3

Sort of like Jackal, but over done. For any humor the game has, it is buried in bullshit. The storyline is funny, but it isn't consistent. I liked the demo, but a year later it just does nothing for me. No thanks!

Guardian Crusade - Playstation

This is a PS1 game.

I saw it in Gamepro nearly twenty years ago and decided I should play it today. Video games are easy to find now with things like eBay or Amazon, and this month several Playstation games just showed up.

All I know going into this is the basics. It is an RPG about a knight who finds a pink monster, as you play the monster grows. The name of the game in Japan was Knight and Baby, the graphics are colorful, and it is a Playstation one game from the dark ages of video games.

Immediately I see how rough this thin is, a mess of polygonal shapes that take some time to adjust to. The Full motion videos are rough too, but I can tell what everything is and what it is, I find strangely interesting. The simple nature of the world, it's characters, the combat, and all of it is refreshing. No one is being shot in the face and I'm not being called name over a voice chat. Things look butt ugly, but in a cute way, likely butt ugly dog Frankenstein.

The story has to do with a knight, named knight, finding this pink monster a stork dropped in a lighting storm. You're tasked with takin the baby to god's tower. This strangely cute and simple little game seems to be hiding a darker narrative. There is talk about god and people not having food to eat, which I find interesting.

Unfortunately, this is a Playstation one game. And an early one!

Just loading into a fight is slow and almost painful. I quit in the first dungeon and I'm not sure if I will ever play this again. Gameplay just wasn't there, art design is a little too simple, and after forty five minutes I feel bored.

Luckily, we live in an age where you can play old games at super speed and with graphics filters that anti alias jagged edges out and bring textures up to look not like garbage. Still wasn't enough to keep me playing, but the fact that I could do that as easily as I did, really makes me want to play more with those feature.

Modern Warfare 2 - Xbox 360

I'll finish this game yet!

I made my way through all of the second act. It wasn't upsetting like CharAznable explained to me. His claim was that the missions going down American streets shooting guys was upsetting. Not for me, but I played half this level a year ago? Was it a year ago? I recall it being the usual military levels up until the No Russian level, things got interesting there. I wasn't upset by it, instead the opposite. I gleefully blasted innocent people, like it was just another level of the latest video game. Which at that time, it was.

The level I found pretty awesome, or moment rather, was the end of the second act. The level starts off with no real introduction, you're a soldier walking by wounded soldiers. I've done this before, no big surprise there. Then my guy walks up some stairs and see's the Washington monument burned. Everything is glowing red and orange. Apparently some of these levels took place in DC. I had no idea. Just like everything else, I have no idea. I tried to make sense of characters I was or who was with me. In one level I played my soldiers rescued a character, who means nothing to me. He might as well have stayed in the overly protected prison. Lots of helicopters and machine guns amuse me.

I got to playing this, because everyone was talking about Black Ops 2. I would buy it if my Xbox wasn't having issues. My Playstation seems to never want to work online. It just isn't as good socially, the Xbox is a mess of menus, but it works. At least it did, mine doesn't work now.

My two younger cousins briefly played NHL 11 with me, then I decided spec ops mode was a thing we should try out. I played some if when the game was new, love the concept, but I never have anybody to play with. Until today. This mode has brief levels with simple goals, like sneak past some guards or defend a position for three minutes. I actually had more fun with these missions than single player.

Live a Live - Super Nintendo

Ah, a classic of an untranslated game some dudes fan translated. Then a second set of dudes, cleaned that translation up, fixed some errors where text jerked out of bubbles. I know, because I briefly played the first translation about six years ago? Maybe more?

There are several characters to choose from each with a completely different time period, gameplay style, and their own separate storylines. I read that they all tie together in the final two chapters of the game. I love how completely different these characters all are. A cowboy, a wrestler, a ninja, and a robot are all choices you can play as and explore a personal story. Some are longer than others or more interesting, but I found them worth playing.

I had finished the cowboy section and most of the cave man section years ago, but those save files are long lost through time. I really enjoyed the time I spent with the game, that square soft melancholy is all there. It was the kind of moving emotional stories that video games are capable of.

I find the game fascinating. The mechanics of battle make no sense at all, I had no sense of how to build my character, if I even can, and my attacks I just try out until I find one that does decent damage, then just hammer it over and over. Even more wild is healing skills, I move around the chess board battle map trying to avoid enemies and just heal as best I can, then start over attacking again.

I like it, I want to try and finish it if I can.

Dark Souls Prepare to Die - PC

My wife did me a favor and bought this for fifteen bucks.

My wife cursed me with playing this game again.

I am instantly back into the nightmare that was a thing I did last year. I successfully whooped Dark Souls. And here I am, doing it again and a much quicker pace.

I made two characters.

First I tried a thief, but that was a series of mistakes. I lost a ton of experience and humanity points, and that sort of crippled me.

Next day, I started as a sorcerer who I named magic Johnson. I cooked my way through the early game, beat a couple bosses and feel especially good about myself and my accomplishments. My guy is slowly building towards being able to take hard hits and survive with little armor. I'm rolling with a short sword and magic. In two hours, I smoked the Taurus demon and the tower gargoyle who for some reason didn't call for his second gargoyle. I'm not complaining, but that was a big fight last time I played this. Just blasting them this time made me feel less like I was coming at this with knowledge, and more likes I had wasted a serious amount of time previously.

Multiplayer is alive and thriving on PC, which is pretty awesome. I've been able to consistently get back up or back someone else up with both these characters. I love this game, but I'm not sure if I want to play it all over now.

But that new DLC stuff, I'm very interested in. I only have a vague idea where that stuff is and I'm anxious to play it all. I want to find the one place I didn't go into last time, and whoop that place too.

Hotline Miami - PC

I feel like I could write a review of this one, so I'll hold off commenting here.

Just kidding, this game is a lot of fun, has one forced stealth level that was way off putting to me, a satisfying ending awaits and the after the end stuff is also great. I only used a 360 controller, the PC and keyboard controls I touched once and didn't want to deal with.

Also, the music in this is worth playin it for alone.


Orcs Must Die 2 - PC

Forced co op is the worst!

Especially hidden forced co-op like this game has. You can play by yourself, but it is designed for two players. If I was to do a review score for this game, that would know off some big points. My delight at playing this game is soured by the necessity of a partner, which as I always complain about I just don't have and will never have consistently. I doubt even a person reading this would be around at eight in the morning on a Tuesday and just play this all day like I want to. Bummer!

I like the new modes and once I unlocked barricades, I felt like that made up for the lack of a partner some. I still am missing out on just having a second person attacking dudes, that slows me down to where I am just not doing well enough time wise to do anything of value. I feel like I was warned about this when this game was new, but I don't recall?

Half Minute Hero - PC

Great game, hilarious sense of humor, but why did they make the graphical overhaul for it? The game is presented in an 8bit style like an old Nintendo game, but this sucker defaults to an uninspired paper doll look.

The jokes about RPG length and grinding are cute, but I'm two missions in and want something more from the humor.

Minecraft - PC

I feel like this is less a game, more of a toy.

The nether is a thing I kept exploring this month. My rail system between my homes is now linked up, I rolled all up and down mountains and through a Forrest, but now I have it all setup. I need a new project.

I explored a lot of caves and lost stuff a couple times too many too. I'm bothered by that.

But the nether is a whole other nightmare, I like the hell atmosphere but having dudes who seem to always just kill me, everywhere is a bother. I like that the game is evolving as time goes on, more stuff keeps being added in like ender men and bats. I like the underground mines I keep finding, I steal the rails from these jerks, but I lost a ton of stuff when I quit playing yesterday. I seem to want to play at least an hour a day, picking pumpkins and building rails.

Parappa the Rappa - Playstation

This thing didn't age well either, but again, I can make it look fantastic and play great. I had never played the full game before. The cutscenes are all hilarious, much like Um Jammer Lammy. I'm not good at this game however, I barely got to the second level. The game really is a lot of fun though, the songs are silly and the game itself is just fantastic for existing as it does. ____

Only one more month of video games. I'm getting really excited now. I want to finish Final Fantasy 6 or another Shin Megami Tensei if at all possible. I've so many games piles up, next month I want to play all the best games ever and as much of them as I can. I'm also trying to decide if I should put some of my Bonerquest book out on my blog, so people know I'm not a liar when I say I'm writing a book. Nobody seems to believe me when I talk about it. I want to finish it so bad, I hate writing so much. I've hated every second of writing I've ever done. It's only after that I briefly feel satisfaction, then it quickly turns to a feeling of "what's next?" Writing long form like Bonerquest really took a lot out of me. I'm so close to the end. It's been outlined too death. I have bits and chunks of things all over my iPod and laptop, all I have to do is put it together and finish it. I can do this. I can complete The Bonerquest.


That's almost it!

So this December 21st, ultimate novelty is to be revealed. Well that's my book the Bonerquest, I'll publish the first chapter here, for everyone to read, for free. I'm working on how to deliver it, I might do a reading of it or maybe I'll just paste it over, let everybody look over the words. I don't know, I'm not finished with the book, it isn't put together yet how I want it and I still want to edit some things down, but I want to publish the whole thing in April as a product everybody can buy. I'm so close to this being finalized, I want everybody to read it and experience the thing I've poured myself into for so long. If you like my writing at all, this book is my magnum opus. This is a book that changed my life as I wrote it, I feel so great about it.

I just hope everybody else does.

I want to make enough money to quit my job and work on my writing full time. I'm working on a few books I want to put out. I'm ready for this to happen. I've a week off work that I want to just live Bonerquest all that I can, I'm so excited. I'm thinking of a way of putting out a preview of the book. I want people to actually read this thing and get a real sense of just how dense a work I've created, but I just don't have the time today. I'm here, posting stuff on this website.

Keep an eye on my blog this month, I'm looking at the 21st as the day to publish a long preview of Bonerquest. I'll title it something like, "I have a gift for Destructoid, nothing." Then simply say, "Nothing but boners!" with right below that, being the preview. I hope you guys like the way I'm putting out the preview!

That's it!