Check out Josh Hayes, a name Charlie uses for journalism on the internet so that he can say silly personal things without the fear of them being exposed openly. That and to hide from people he knew who he don't want to find him, not no way, not no how.
Almost twenty years ago, a game was released that was the greatest of all games. Something so magnificent in its design and features, that no other game gives me the same feeling that this game does. As most of you know, I write about old video games here occasionally, and the one I've found it hardest to write about is this game. I've re-written that article at least eight times, but I can never capture with words exactly how brilliant that game actually is. The sheer amount of glee that game gives me as I play it, even after twenty years of it, is unmatched by anything else.
This article was brought upon by several things. People say that ICO and Silent Hill 2 are the best games of all time, and super important to them. Those games are great and all, and I'mma let you finish, but Zombies Ate My Neighbors is the best game of all time. The absolute most wonderful gaming experience I've ever had. I love horror movies and intensely difficult games, so your mileage may vary, but for me and in my opinion, this game is the definition of fantastic. So instead of being vulgar and silly, I thought I'd compare Zombies Ate My Neighbors to some of the best games of all time with serious criticisms of each!
- Super Mario Bros. 3 is not as good as Zombies Ate my Neighbors
Mario 3 is contender for the greatest game of all time. I don't think anyone who has any enjoyment of video games at any level of play would feel comfortable saying that Mario 3 was terrible. Whatever jerk would say that the light hearted and simple fun of Mario 3 could ever compare, ever, to another game and be the loser in that comparison? Myself thatís who! Zombies Ate My Neighbors is better than Mario 3 in many ways.
Mario has a multitude of memorable enemies who are iconic to a generation. Had that same generation been exposed to this game, each and every creature within it would be permanently in your mind. Each creature was pulled from classic horror films, creatures from black lagoons, werewolves, and of course the zombies are all there and all hilariously cute, as well as extremely menacing. Wandering around a level that is all water and filled with those damn lagoon creatures is so much worse than the entire world 3 section of Mario 3. Including that big red fish trying to eat you, nothing in Mario 3 is as scary or threatening as the creatures in Zombies. In fact, Silent Hill 2 doesn't have as disturbing a monster design. Considering that the monsters here all have a cute style, but are all extremely vicious.
The last world of Mario 3, with all those battleships has some of the most intense music ever. Over in Zombies, you've got the most interesting music that nobody ever heard. There were voice clips that came on, "now remember what I said," and tons of atmospheric noises that play out. Themes that are happy, themes that are sad, and the sounds are even more amazing than the Mario games. Greater than the sound of Sonic picking up a ring. More memorable than Solid Snake answering his codec. The sound effect for losing a neighbor is burned into my soul forever. The sploosh noise of a soda six pack hitting a Martian space man is like the best sound ever, sorry Mario!
Whoever drew this, is an awesome person.
The sound of those Martians "blurp" gun. None of these sounds will ever leave my head, ever. I can picture most of the sounds from Mario 3, but as I do I start pulling from all the other Mario games inside my mind. Zombies ate my Neighbors stands on its own, and the sequel that it has is a joke. It was never whored out with each new generation of consoles. It was on the Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis only. Those poor PC gamers who loved the Lucas Arts style missed out on this one, the greatest Lucas Arts game of them all.
Furthermore, those brilliantly different worlds from Mario 3? Pale in comparison to those of Zombies Ate My Neighbors! Thatís right, even the totally original giant world are triumphed by whatís in this game. You get to go inside haunted mansions, haunted shopping malls, haunted neighborhoods at both day and night, ancient mummy pyramids, football fields with Martians chasing cheerleaders, and several more. The name of one level is literally Mars Needs Cheerleaders. There is nothing in Mario 3 that could ever make me smile as much as reading that. Not even this bitch telling me to use the warp whistler!
- Halo is not as good as Zombies Ate my Neighbors
All the twitch based shooter action in Halo is laughable when compared to Zombies. Later levels in the Halo games are all a joke of bad design, navigating hallways and corridors that all look the same with no indication of which way to go isn't my idea of fun. Navigating hallways that all look the same, with distinguishable features and multiple pathways is my idea of fun. Halo is just a straight shot through samey first person shooters with a generic storyline. about alien religions, who cares! I'd m
A late game Zombies level has you inside a haunted mansion, and you'll go across every inch of this game screen. At several points, you'll be outside on the ledges fighting werewolves and mummies, hobbling your way over to the big boss fight. And instead of a joke encounter like in the Halo series, the final boss of this game is probably the greatest thing you'll ever fight. If you can defeat this thing, this many form having monster, you're rewarded with a dev room that far outshines any community nonsense Bungie ever did. George Lucas him self is in the game, welcoming you to this room, and there is a tentacle from Maniac Mansion wandering around as well! Chrono Trigger might have had something half as cool as this was, but this was done earliar and better. George Lucas, before he ruined Star Wars!
As if all that was better than Halo, the multiplayer in Zombies is legendary. If only legendary from myself telling the stories that have now become legend. There is no game that has ever allowed such tactical strategies to be thought up as in this game. The skills myself and my player two, a kid from up the street named Quentin ,my cousin James, or anyone who comes over and starts talking about this game with me had to develop to play this game far out match even the most die hard play Halo all day fanatic. Me and Quentin were sun up to sun down on this game. We were frothing at the mouth anxious to master this game, more so than any first person shooter player either. So you think youíre hardcore? Me and him at age six were ten times as hardcore on this game as any ass wipe playing online shooters.
Furthermore, every extra item you gain in Halo is absolutely worthless when put in comparisson to those of Zombies Ate My Neighbors. Drink a potion and you become a purple monster! Purple monster! That is a million times better than a stupid bubble shield. The laughing clown bop dolls you throw down are more useful than that joke of an item. And need I mention that you can collect the most powerful item of Pandoras Box? Totally use those in Zombies to kill everything on screen, and take a good chunk out of the bosses life bar!
- Ico is not as good as Zombies Ate my Neighbors
The worlds favorite escort mission, is often lauded for the atmosphere it creates. It has nothing on the sheer sense of terror and urgency you'll feel as you go through the levels in Zombies. After about the fifteenth level, the game takes a sharp spike in difficulty that is unmatched. It isn't broken like Silver Surfer on the regular Nintendo or just designed to fornicate with you like I Want to Be the Guy or Super Meat Boy, but a gradual sense of dread that enters you. More so than when playing Silent Hill 2, as I got farther and farther into the game, the sense that at any second, I could lose that last survivor and everything I had done was bullshit entered my mind. No save points either, this was in the days of passwords.
If you were lucky enough to get that password, beating the game without starting from the begging is all but impossible. You could get a good run going a few passwords up, which you get a password every couple levels, but there was no more point to that than simply trying to memorize which way to rush on those later levels. I assure you, Dances With Werewolves may be the level that made me go as fast as any speed runner ever could. All the levels have funny names like that, like "Weird kids on the block!" where you fight clones of yourself, "Where the red fern growls!" where you fight tons and tons of plant monsters, and another favorite which I reference several times in this article, "Mars Needs Cheerleaders."
Destructoid community member Pendelton21 made this artwork!
An instant game over if you lose all your neighbors, which by the twentieth level as a kid, you've all but lost them all by then. Every few levels you save everyone, your granted a second to save, but if they die again from a werewolf or stealth Dracula, you're going to be rocking one for the majority of those later levels. And I assure you, giant ants are some how the most terrifying enemy in the game.
Now I know what you're thinking, Ico was also about that maze like puzzle design. Totally have that done in a better way here in Zombies. You can open any door, cracked wall, or dark spot in a hedge maze with one simple tool: a bazooka. Not a joke bazooka like the Super Scope Six, this is bazooka actually works and is the most useful weapon in the game. Every weapon is brilliant in its own ways, but nothing compares to the sheer versatility of a bazooka. As a weapon, nothing has the power or kick of this thing. It packs a wallop and knocks down obstacles, freeing you up to find your own path. Better than Red Faction, with its suggested geo mod technology, you can actually shoot through places that actually help you progress.
This what Ico feels like after being compared against Zombies Ate My Neighbors. Go ahead and rescue Snooki!
And if you want a big late game twist, pretend that the two lead characters are the reason all this evil exists in the world! And that somehow, theyíre the only dudes bad enough to save it!
- Shadow of the Colossus is not as good as Zombies Ate my Neighbors
You think bringing down a colossus is the greatest boss encounter you're ever going to have? One that killing is somehow a dreadful act and something you should be ashamed of? You haven't fought the giant baby in this game.
You have to kill a giant baby to progress on at least one level, but with at least one other optional encounter. And you had better be loaded to the hilt with bazookas, monster potions, and everything you can possibly throw at this baby as it is an encounter worthy of epic poetry. I don't know about you guys, but I didn't expect to fight a giant baby at any point upon buying this game.
There is nothing that makes you feel quite as melancholy as shooting this giant baby, watching it turn into the regular baby, and then seeing as giant ants quickly eat it. Which doesn't happen in this video, but has happened to me in the game. Usually the second encounter in the mall.
Killing one no less, is something that is just dreadful, especially for the selfish reason of just continuing forward to the next level. Granted, it isn't as selfish as bringing your dead lady friend back to life, but still a screwed up thing to do. And you do it several times through out the course of the game! Can you kill a baby and not feel terrible? Will there be an Adam Sandler movie where he sits around with Don Cheadle playing Zombies Ate My Neighbors casually killing the giant baby? No. But that did happen with Shadow of the Colossus!
- Blaster Master is not as good as Zombies Ate My Neighbors
Nobody ever beat Blaster Master, ever. I can beat Zombies Ate My Neighbors. Yeah sure, somebody somewhere might have deciphered the labyrinth of a game Blaster Master is, but you don't have to do that with Zombies baby! It's a straight game all the way. No nonsensical game play switches, just fifty levels of shooting things and saving people. Blaster Master fails in every way at that. By about an hour into Blaster Master, I get so lost I've never had any compulsion to beat it.
Maybe you want to argue about all the variety of weapons you get in Blaster Master. For that matter, Super Metroid, DOOM, or any other game where you get "cool" weapons. In Zombies Ate My Neighbors, your main weapons are a squirt gun, the always useful bazooka, and many other objects available. Such as the one thing that kills werewolves instantly, silverware! A knife and fork that nobody would ever think to throw at a werewolf, that are pretty much a joke weapon, totally useful there. You use a cross, fire extinguisher, a Martian gun that baloons people like Killer Klowns from Outer Space, and even soda cans! Soda cans probably being the most powerful weapon, yet most difficult to aim properly.
Ever take out a UFO with a bunch of pop cans? I did, and on the fifty yard line during a football game! I love it!
Unlike Castlevania 2, in Blaster Master trying to find my way didn't just frustrate me into needing to beat this game, but it just bored me into a sense of saying forget it! I just quit and never think or talk about Blaster Master, like ever. Iíve said that every single time Iíve ever tried to play Blaster Master! I love to play Blaster Master for about an hour at a time, but after that I'm so lost and wandering around in circles, I don't care. And I'm sure there is an FAQ out there somewhere, but who needs that? You don't need that for Zombies Ate My Neighbors, but I guarantee most people use a guide for a Silent Hill 2, Blaster Master, or any of the Zelda games!
- Resident Evil 4 is not as good as Zombies Ate My Neighbors
Everybody loved that game. I don't think anyone who I showed it to had a negative reaction to it. But thatís the thing, as I showed it to them, we had had to take turns to play it. Zombies, as soon as someone sees that giant baby boss they want to fight it with me. The same thing happens in Resident Evil 4 with that lake monster, except there is no two player mode whatsoever!
What is worse than that experience, Resident Evil 5 has a forced co-op that puts a single player with the most ignorant bitch artificial intelligence ever! You don't have to play with a partner for Zombies, but the option is there and it isn't force upon you like with the stupidity of Resident Evil 5. Also, none of the monsters in Zombies Ate My Neighbors are racist. Not a single one. The imagery has a history, and that history is straight out of the universal monster movies of the early twentieth centaury, as well as the most outrageous slasher villains of the nineteen eighties. It has a history and you canít pretend otherwise.
The water in Resident Evil 4 is not as bone chilling as what waits for you in Zombies Ate My Neighbors!
Games often steal all their bits from movies, especially obscure movies like what Duke Nukem did with They Live, and I doubt anyone will question how amazing it is when you stumble into a secret room inside a castle while the creepiest music the super Nintendo could belt out plays, and of course, Frankenstein's monster activates! Then he proceeds to kill you with electricity! If you're lucky enough to survive that encounter, later on you'll deal with him and Draculas at the same time, with Werewolves, Zombies, and many other terrible creatures from monster history after you.
Yes, some of them even have chainsaws. And just like Resident Evil 4, they can and will cut through doors to come after you and are every bit as vicious as you expect a man in a hockey mask with a chainsaw to be. Just, instead of encounter one every so often, you'll have about six chasing you, each of them ripping through a giant hedge maze while you try to rescue cheerleeders. It is single handedly the greatest encounter ever, because you'll undoubtadly use a monster potion on this level, turning yourself into a creature powerful enough to blast through doors with bare hands and make these Jasons feel like those poor kids in the RV in Friday the Thirteenth part six. In Europes version of zombies Ate My Neighbors, "Zombiess," these gentleman have axes and look more like lumberjacks. Still terrifying to contend with, and still more amazing than anything in Resident Evil 4 or 5.
And furthermore, the storyline is much better in Zombies Ate My Neighbors than in any Resident Evil game. Both characters available are masters of unlocking, by packing a bazooka!
Go ahead, suggest a game, any game, and I will come up with a reason why my favorite game, and the absolute best game of all time, is superior to that game. Nothing is as sacred and great as this game.