Check out Josh Hayes, a name Charlie uses for journalism on the internet so that he can say silly personal things without the fear of them being exposed openly. That and to hide from people he knew who he don't want to find him, not no way, not no how.
I don't like Football. I like murder though. I like violence. Put murder into football and suddenly I'm interested! Mutant League Football! Combines football and murder into one great SEGA game.
In the nineties at some point there was a cartoon. A cartoon so awesome and so cool, it could only have existed at that time. And it would play early in the morning just before school. The name of the cartoon was Mutant League. It was about monsters who play sports, hurting each other in extreme ways. Arms get ripped out of place. Faces would be removed. Lots of slime and sports action. In the early days of the internet, I was searching around for information on that cartoon and found there was a genesis game. Two actually. Mutant League Football and Mutant League Hockey. I nearly fell over myself dashing towards ebay to buy one. Not only did I get a copy of Mutant League Football, but I got it with the box and a photo copied manual. Apparently, it was a rental at one time if I recall correctly. Still ten bucks for this game something like eight or nine years ago, that is a deal.
I don't think I fully understand football. I get the basics of it. You've an offense and a defense depending on who has the ball. You have to get the ball ten yards. You have four tries to do so, called "downs." Get it all the way across the field and you get a touchdown. That is about as close to knowing about Football as I can get. In Mutant League, it adds in the element of murder and audibles. Audibles being plays you can call on the field, I think, at least in game that's how an audible works. Your A button lets you call a run play. Your B button lets you run passing plays. The C button lets you run the nasty plays. These are the ones that usually result in a special ability. Super speed, super strength, and killing the referee. Sometimes you can call for a Qaurter Back smash that sends all your players after their Quarter Back. Depending on which team you get. Sometimes you can even get dynamite balls to throw out and blast the other team to smithereens. How can anyone not love that?
Each team you can select seems to be a parody of an official team. For example, Sixty Whiners or Darkstar Dragons. The players have names that parody other football players of that time period. I remember Bo Jackson from Tecmo Bowl, so of course Bones Jackson from Mutant League is a parody. The fact that he's actually a skeleton makes it that much more silly. There are several player types that each team has a mix of, except for one team the Turbo Techies. They're all robots. You have these troll guys who are usually linebackers, I believe one team features them exclusively. Another character type is the alien lizard type, who instead of running rolls themselves into a ball adjust cruise up the field. Skeletons being an more all around type of character. Human players are there as well for some reason. I don't think I missed any, but maybe I've missed one.
Another cool difference between real football and Mutant League is hazards around the football fields. Sometimes you'll come across mines. Actual land mines. Occasionally there are pits or fire pits. If you're on a playing field in outer space, run of the edge for a good laugh. You little football players are sucked away off to their doom. It is always hilarious. Another field is made of a rubber like substance that has everyone bouncing around. The major draw of playing Mutant League is the various ways your players can die. Tackle a guy or just bump him enough times and you'll make him EXPLODE into pieces. Blood flies out and if I'm not mistaken I saw a little gore as well. Trolls, humans, skeletons, aliens, and even the robots are all wonderful to see die. Killing the ref is always awesome, but even more awesome is that you can pick a play that lets you bribe the ref. The ref then calls penalties on the opposing players team for things like picking boogers. No seriously. Also hilarious are the things the players say in little cartoon boxes while a picture of them laughs. Usually occurs if a team is beating the other ones face in or if you've just killed another player.
Time to play Mutant League! I'm going to play a full regular game and see what happens. Set the blood to five. Set player respawns off, which means if your team doesn't have enough players living you could instantly forfeit. Randomly selecting my team, I got the robot team. Picking my opponent randomly as well, they got the Killer Konvicts. Time to football! I've somehow managed to not score at all. They have nearly thirty points and things are looking bad for both sides. If I'm especially mean on defense I can tackle his players and kill them after a play. Trying to play as fairly as possible. Still did it twice. Luckily my calculations were correct and murdering their offense was a winning strategy. They got down to three lineman and one quarter back, continuously sacking what was left of their quarter backs was an excellent tactic. I know nothing about playing football, but tackling their team until they die, I can do all day. I seriously would pick the same plays over and over, a shuttle L or R from the shotgun menu. Trying to do the "hail scary" pass. I tried kicking once and missed by twenty yards. Every time I came close to the goal line, I would get murdered and they would get the fumble. I've never been much of a sports gamer, as you can probably tell by my 0-30 win, but playing video games I can do. I even tried to bribe the ref, but they caught on after one play and murdered him. All the players have pun names like the ref that replaced the one I bribed was called "I.C. Nothing."
I'm making it my mission to get another Mutant League made. When I found out we could ask an Electronic Arts guy questions on the forums, the thing that was on my mind was Mutant League. I won't buy one every year, but certainly every three or four. I love this. Especially if they released one that had all the sports in it, like basketball, soccer, tennis, or anything like that. Even throw in some off things like Arm Wrestling or Archery. How awesome would it be to aim your arrows at the crowd or at your opponent instead of your target, burying that in their face. Now I'm just speculating and hoping. Mutant League Football actually does have a sequel. Unfortunately, Mutant League Hockey can quickly turn into chainsaw fights. While murder is an occasional thing in Football over in Hockey all I want to do is murder the other team. According to my research into Mutant League, a basketball title was planned but canceled. I've been led to beleive that it was mentioned at the end of Mutant League Hockey as coming soon, but never was shown. Over here on this website, I found an interview with the guy who made Mutant League. I'm going to search around tonight and see if I can contact this guy about Mutant League's future. It is really strange how as a kid I could care less who was making my games and now I'm actively trying to find their contact information. Similar sci fi fantasy elements are in some other sports games, but I want Mutant League. I want the brand name back and used properly. Don't hand me a piss poor Ghoul Patrol when I asked for Zombies Ate My Neighbors. A real and proper sequel for the current generation. Back on topic, my research has told me a PSP release of EA games contains Mutant League, called EA Replay. It seems that they haven't forgotten about it completely. A man can dream, but on this one I think I'll be a little more proactive. I want to kill people and play sports at the same time.