No, seriously. I was a bit disappointed that this lauded video played it safer than a traffic instructor playing bumper bowling with a lifejacket on. I wanted more wild speculation, so that's what I'm going to provide here myself.

First off, let's return to an important source of information the internet has seemingly forgotten about: the interview with producer Tom Farrer. Perhaps the most important thing he notes is that your character builds momentum, and that reaching your maximum speed can't happen instantly. Here we can contextualize what the trailer analysis calls a "sprint" as the maximum speed you achieve by running for a certain period of time, signified by the peripheral motion blur. I would assume therefore, that there is no "run" button, and that you can keep up your sprint until you have to climb something or reach a dead end. Farrer notes that any weapons you pick up will hinder you, so I'm assuming anything more than a pistol will make sprinting impossible. It's also likely you will only be able to carry one weapon at a time, and since Farrer says the number of bullets is limited, you may not even be able to reload your weapon.

Farrer hints that any brightly colored objects can be used for your free-running stunts, and judging from the footage, I would say that it isn't just red objects, but also orange, blue, and green ones, like the blue ramp and the orange wall we see Faith run across, that can be interacted with. There are some green objects seen below Faith in the scene where she is hanging on a railing and looking down.



Another thing he mentions is the inspiration of Prince of Persia, and I think that will inform a lot of the gameplay elements in Mirror's Edge in terms of context-sensitive controls. The way faith jumps and instantly vaults over the fence in the beginning of the trailer suggests that for the sake of intuitive gameplay, there is no separate "climb" button, and Faith will do this automatically.

In combat, Faith often uses her legs to attack, and can disarm foes this way. However she can melee with a gun in her arms as well. There appears to be one button for leg attacks, and another for arm/fist-based ones, which turns into a pistol whip or rifle butt if one has the relevant weapon in hand. The sheer variety of leg motions might mean that moving the analog stick in conjunction with the kick or punch button can result in different attacks.

In conclusion, I would expect the controls to be set up accordingly:

Face Buttons: Jump, Crouch/Slide, Punch, Kick

Trigger: Shoot

There would also have to be a button for dropping the weapon, but it's hard to say what other functions that would share, or where it would be on the controller. If there's no aiming reticule, does that mean there's auto-aim?

Lastly, Farrer's constant references to the game's linearity reveal more possibilities. He says "we want to move you through it," and mentions there are no sidequests, but also reassures us that "there's a lot of choice within the different routes and paths." I would expect the flow of the game to be like Prince of Persia, although slightly less linear. While there could be different paths, they would all lead to the same save point eventually. I also expect the game to be set in one continuous world with no separate missions or levels, but some distinct areas.

What do you all think?

1up reports that Disney is beginning a new online service called DGamer, which will network all players on Disney games together. That's right, just Disney games. Features include customizable avatars, "honors" (achievements for toddlers!), and chatting functionality.

The avatars look downright creepy. One in particular seems to be a digital 5-year old who just dropped E while trying to cosplay as Sora. All of the haircuts are more or less weeaboo indoctrination propaganda.



I think it's hilarious, because all of these features are going to be wasted on terrible games. And are kids really willing to do random pointless chores in-game to get new virtual clothing? Judging by the success of Gaiaonline, yes.

In this new Gametrailers.com interview Cliffy B is back, and with a very tasteful, slightly tousseled, short hair cut. Oh, and some new insights on Gears 2. I gotta admit, he's one of the few game developers that actually give entertaining interviews, as he's full of unbridled energy. The accompanying gameplay footage impresses with subtle motion blur, believable explosions, and photorealistic environments that thankfully use a few non-neutral colors.



However the real fireworks in this clip can be found within whatever sort of bizarre chemistry is occuring between Cliff and his interviewer. Describing the theme of Gears 2, he says, "It's also about this idea of intimate violence, where players can get really close to their foes and chainsaw them." A boyish smile creeps across his face while his grey-blue eyes light up coyly. He later explains with great excitement, "You can chainsaw someone from behind, from their taint to their throat." He then continues to blather on about the chainsaw duel mechanic for another minute or so.

Having piercings on both ears means you're Bi, right?

I don't really understand this game. It looks like the devs tried to make a game that was equal parts Gauntlet Legends, Mass Effect, and Phantasy Star Online. Yeah, I threw up in my mouth a little too. This unholy combo is somewhat like trying to make a supergroup out of Pantera, The Mars Volta, and Creed. On their own they're pretty good, excpet for Creed obviously, but together they're going to sound the way orange juice tastes after you've just brushed your teeth. Don't get me wrong, the game looks fun, but twenty hours of it seems excessive.



One thing that seems futile at this point is trying to one-up anyone in creating a futuristic aesthetic, because it's all been done before. The "unique" look of the game is actually very familiar, despite the obvious effort put into it. The obnoxious "The Sharper Image"-style HUD is emblematic of the design philosophy here, which is, "make everything shiny." We don't even have a future to look forward to at this point, because we already have a massively networked space-age doohickey that automatically generates porn of everything that ever existed. When you can find a picture of Hobbes boffing Calvin's mom in about two seconds, you can pretty much call science fiction obsolete.

But yeah, I think I was writing about a video game a while back, so I should probably get back to that. One thing I noticed immediately from the first bits of gameplay footage is that the characters animate like Max Payne, which hasn't been a compliment since 2001. Another thing is that while the attacks are fun to watch, a lot of them do exactly the same thing, which is slice through waves of identical enemies at long range. The smaller enemies are nearly devoid of AI, simply attempting to surround you and melee. Gamespot adds, "When we weren't pulverizing huge androids, we were whacking waves and waves of their smaller kin; this called for less strategy, and way more violence." While they claimed the boss took a bit of thinking to take down, I felt like I had already half-figured out its attack patterns by watching the new co-op trailer. This hammer-wielding foe appears to have been built by Doctor Robotnik, politely waiting for you to violate his weak point while he dicks around. In such an absence of strategy, our heores will end up with a ridiculously redundant arsenal of glowy neon attacks.

That said, Too Human looks like a romping-good shitfaced-with-your-friends couch-rocking rental bonanza. But oh wait, the co-op is online only. This game now officially sucks.

The design of Guitar Hero 4's drumkit has just been revealed in the latest GameInformer, which was leaked on powerglove's c-blog (http://www.destructoid.com/blogs/power-glove/the-first-shot-of-the-drum-kit-that-will-be-used-in-gh-4-85746.phtml). It has six buttons in total, including the bass pedal.



At first glance, the kit looks like a carbon copy of the one used in Konami's Drummania games. The placement of the hi-hat, cymbol, toms, and snare appears almost identical, although the colors have been slightly remixed much like the sort of "original" characters you'd come across on DeviantArt. On closer inspection the hi-hat and cymbol pads are more elevated, and between the snares and toms. This means that players won't be bullied into crossing over their arms to play the faster hi-hat/snare patterns as often happens in Drummania. Also the tiered pads should allow players to move and roll between notes with greater fluidity, which is definitely a plus. Another nifty inclusion is the ability to accept velocity data, which I'm guessing will lead to a wider range of drum sounds. The bass pedal is the only thing that looks like it belongs in a Rock Band kit, but hopefully won't be as stiff and frustrating to use.

In the same article, the project director reveals that these drums will be much quieter than Rock Band's primitive hard plastic ones, and the GameInformer staff reported an "very positive" first hands-on experience with them. The devs also make the bold claim that, "This thing is not going to crack."

A few things bother me about this article. Firstly they say that Activision now owns all the patents to the technologies created by John Devecka, which were used "in all following music games, including Guitar Hero, Rock Band, and Konami's Dance Dance Revolution." ALL following music games? What is the exact technology that he pioneered, anyway? This misleading passage makes it sound like Activision now owns the right to make whatever rhythm games and peripherals they want in the US, no matter how derivative. The way things are going, that seems to be exactly the case.



Despite all that, the most offensive thing to me is that Drummania is not mentioned once in this article. GameInformer acts as though they haven't seen anything like the GH4 drumset before, saying Activision took inspiration from "professional electronic kits." Obviously, the inspiration came from Drummania, whose kits were made by Yamaha. Yes, Devecka was responsible for the first Drum simulation game, but the kit from MTV Drumscape looks very different from Drummania's.



In short: GH4's kit is more similar to Drummania's, than Drummania's kit is to Drumscape's.

What this really shows is that the patent laws are a complete mess. As the wikipedia article says, "MTV Games holds the US patent for "drum simulation games", which MTV took full advantage of with the release of Rock Band" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Drummania). How can such a broad category of game be restricted to one company? It's not like Microsoft is the only developer that can make flight sims!

Despite all the bitching, I have to admit that this drumset looks good, nay great, and perhaps even an improvement over the Drummania home version peripherals (though not likely their expensive arcade counterparts). The only thing I'm worried about is the bass pedal, which could ruin the whole experience if it's not made right. But then again, Rock Band was good enough for America, so I guess it'll sell either way.

What do bananas have to do with first-person shooters, you ask? Well, nothing, if you don't count the wonderfully rendered tropical fruits in Crysis (see http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RCY_q-ytk2M for five million percent of your reccomended daily dose of digital potassium). However, after thoroughly watching various promotional materials surrounding the new "Halo-killer," I can't help but associate this game with bananas because it's so goddamn YELLOW. I can understand having the costumes feature strong yellow accents, but Free Radical just had to beat the motif into your skull by making the "nectar," its molecules, the protagonist's iris, your helmet's HUD display, etc all a ferociously cornea-raping shade of lemon yellow.



Okay, so maybe I'm being unreasonably harsh on a game that simply has a crush on green's next-door neighbor. Haze's unique gameplay features are really the star of the show, right? Unfortunately, after looking through all the cinematics, gametrailers.com previews, tv spots, and an interview with Jonathon Davis, I found myself hard-pressed to give a damn about anything but my sudden craving for bananas.

Let's start with Gametrailers.com's preview (http://www.gametrailers.com/player/32587.html). "Haze...proves that perception and reality can be two very different things." Woah. Excuse me while I have a Keanu moment here. Once you get to the gameplay footage, one thing really stands out. Or rather, doesn't: the muddy color palette we've come to expect from every "gritty" current-gen action game like Resistance, Killzone 2, Gears of War, and even Metal Gear Solid 4. This makes the yellow (and red) come to the fore in a rather obnoxious way, as though someone had spilled mustard on a dull Persian rug. Next we're introduced to the gimmick of Nectar, which allows you to see enemies glow bright purple (just kidding) to enable easier fragging. But honestly, who wants that? Half the challenge of an FPS is finding your enemy before she finds you. This feature doesn't look fun or exciting, and instead feels like something you'd conjure up from a gameshark.

The preview drops another bombshell when we find out that the rebel underdogs are the REAL heroes of the story. These guys must have hired Shyamalan to write the plot or something. However it's also revealed that the gimmicks of the Mantel are short-lived, and that after switching sides you'll be without those toys, though you will be able to administer overdoses to the mantel soldiers. A crack insinuating an anti-drug message gets a groan not because of its corniness, but because the previewer's probably right.

So what's left? Vehicles, such as a jeep-looking thing. Computer-controlled AI. 4-player co-op and online multiplayer modes. Namely, everything we've come to expect from the genre. Between these standard features, the nearly pointless "unique" features, the drab graphics, and the facepalm-inducing frat boy dialogue, what really stands out about this game is its use of the color yellow. Even Korn's theme song sounds uninspired and muddy, like Davis is just going through the motions to produce another cash-in (it's not like anyone could tell the difference anyway after Untouchables).

What bothers me about this whole bamboozle is that people actually seem to be falling for it. I guess it just goes to show that slick marketing can accomplish anything. Although I'm afraid in my case they seem to have targeted the wrong audience, because instead of considering purchasing a PS3, all I wanted after seeing Haze in action was a nice, big, juicy dickfruit.