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Maybe someday I'll make something of myself.

Today isn't looking so good, though.
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DIC (Destructoid's Institute for Cumming)

An anxious Dtoider gets out of his mom’s car and takes his first steps towards his promising academic career at DIC. (Destructoid’s Institute for Cumming). Along the way to his first class, he walks by what appears to be a pedophile dressed in a pink bath robe; the student promptly increases his pace as he starts to feel the heat emanating from the large man’s breathe as he passes by.. After a few minutes or so of constantly checking over his shoulder, the young adult reaches the large green double doors to his first class. He creaks open the door to see a wide variety of creatures, and quickly takes his seat in the front row.

Moments later, a young boy with a backwards orange hat walks into the room with a sullen expression on his face. Surprisingly though, he sets his belongings down at the Professor’s position in the front of the room, and quietly beings to scribble on the chalkboard..


The historic lecture had begun

Alright, alright, enough with the cheesy introduction. Let’s get one thing straight; my advice is law, and stems from years and years of grueling research. Professor pk is here to answer all of your enthralling questions about the world of gaming, and today’s lecture will be no different.. However, since this is actually the first lesson into an (probably not) ongoing series, I’ve brought it upon myself to tackle a problem that I’ve had trouble with for years: finishing games.

It’s not even that I don’t start games and leave halfway through, I frequently plow through 85% of a game’s main features and flat out drop it.

Here’s a sample list below to help you understand my condition:

- Persona 3: Reached the last dungeon, didn’t bother completing it or even youtubing the ending.
- MGS Snake Eater: My game froze in the ending scenes of the game, and never bothered to go back and fully watch the rest.
- Final Fantasy IX: I’ve reached the ending of the 3rd disc…. TWICE.
- Dragon Age: Origins: Played 40 or so hours, did most of the side stuff, then never finished the main questline.
- Twilight Pricess: Reached the last dungeon then stopped playing.
- Dark Souls: Probably the worst, I've got ~80h into the game with multiple characters and contantly stop playing for whatever reason.

What the fuck is wrong with you Professor?

SIIILEEENCE!!.. Now that I’ve opened myself to you, let me tell you that I’ve since taken a step back and reevaluated my life, and have come up with a Four Three Step Plan to help ensure you fragile creatures that you do not flail along the same path I once walked.. Professor pk is here to guide you.

Step 1: Play halfway through Fallout 3 then stop (Boner et al., 2006)

*readjusts glasses* Now, I know this may seem a bit drastic, but the results always point to the same conclusion.. The pain you feel is enough to get you through just about anything. Going through a nasty divorce because your significant other was blowing some stranger in the apartment next door? Just failed an exam that has the potential to completely decimate your college career? No problem! Subject yourself to one last bit of torture before taking the high road; it’s what Jesus would have done. By commanding yourself to not complete the greatest game of all time, you are essentially building a mental endurance so strong that you could literally stare at your twitter feed for minutes before giving into the thought of suicide. Once this obstacle has been passed, only then are you ready to take on even the longest of jrpgs.

Step 2: Steal paint buckets from your local hardward store (Dick & Danks, 1998)

*sighs..* Again, the feeling of disbelieve hangs in the air. Have I not already told you that this is backed by years of research?!? In 1998, Dicks & Danks performed a landmark study in which they demonstrated a positive correlation between buckets of paint stolen and felonies charged per individual.Note: The subject who was told to steal 20 buckets of paint was promptly excuted by the store owner via shotgun wound to the torso before we were able to gather any meaningful data. He is considered an outlier for the purposes of this experiment. (Dick & Danks, 1998)

Now, the connection may not seem obvious to you, but that is because you are the student and I am the Master. With more warrants out for your arrest, you’ll be significantly more likely to stay indoors evading law enforcement, thus, limiting access between you and the outside world. This way, you’ll be forced to complete the games you already have and dig out those old shitty systems from your closet that you buried five years ago when your wife “had enough” of your "filthy" habit. 

I'm sure this guy has a perfectly healthy relationship with women.I bet he's only hit two or three!

Step 3: Binge on desired game until sick (pk fire, 2015)

Take it from our gym rat friend above, and play that fucking game straight until it's over. Now I must admit, this is the most obvious step. However, true focus can only be achieved after you’ve completely broken yourself via steps 1 & 2. Once the previous tasks have been completed, only now are you ready to fully ignore bodily needs in order to beat that game that’s been holding you back for so long. Like a knight mounting his noble steed, you’ll flop yourself onto your cough with a bag of Cheetos in hand and truly conquer your sacred enemy. Good luck my young disciples.

Bell Rings and confetti shoots out from under each students’ seat into their assholes.

Thanks for reading! I’ll take topic suggestions for next time if you’d like to express them in the comments.

pk fire
6:51 PM on 10.14.2014

"Lol, jk."

With the 3DS version of Super Smash Brothers dropping in two weeks, I figured it would be good to get an early start in creating a hub for people interested in playing other Dtoiders semi-competitively. I say semi, because I hope that anyone who is interested comes out and takes this opportunity to play with others!!! Organizing an early tournament will also be the best way for all of us to find friends to play with on the regular (if you don't already have some), and give us all a chance to learn from others. Hopefully Nintendo has their online shit together and we will be able to play relatively seemlessly with others around the globe.

Rules: (Subject to change)
- There will be a winner's and loser's bracket (double elimination)
- Best 2 out of 3 rounds
- Stock: 3 Lives
- No items
- Levels: All as long as agreed upon by both fighters

***Not sure about these rules yet, please let me know your thoughts***

Please let me know >>in this thread in the forums<< if you wish to participate. 

Reminder: We have a thread already for all discussion regarding the game >>here<<, so please try to keep this thread as organized as possible to make my life easier. Posts in the tourament thread should probably only include comments about matches, rule suggestions, participation notices, etc.

Hopefully we'll get a decent turn out! Another Blog post will go up around launch date to cement everything together

A few things about me. <3

1. I've got pretty blue eyes.

You heard it here first, folks. Not only was I gifted with the face of a twelve year old angel, but I also harbor the genetically ideal eye color. I've flashed these pretty blues many a time in my youth, but recently, I've been dating a really awesome girl for almost three years. Sorry, ladies. (And usedtabe)

2. My favorite game genre(s) are probably tactical rpgs / simulation games.

I'm fascinated by mathematics, and while I don't usually dive too deep into the pool of algorithms, I really appreciate the complex systems rooted in these types of games. Pokemon had really captured my heart for awhile, as there are so many combinations of party members / moves / types / items / etc., that I was enraptured with the competitive battling scene. Now, I usually find solace in optimizing teams in single player games.

3. Gaming is one of the reasons why my Brother and I are so close.

As I mentioned in one of my first blogs a few years ago, gaming has really been a common denominator for my brother and I. While we might not be together every day as we were in our youth, we still almost on a daily basic talk about what we're playing and what we're excited for. I really believe that games can bring people together in a positive way.

4. I fucking LOVE good food.

In recent years, I've really learned how to appreciate a good meal. Going out to new restaurants and sampling different types of cuisine is one of my favorite things to do nowadays. I become giddy as the weekend draws closer, as promises of tantalizing Japanese, Thai, Indian, or Italian food draws near. I recommend that everyone takes the time to treat themselves once in awhile, you deserve it!

5. Musical Instruments are fun.

I've played a variety of musical instruments in my life, and it's always something that I could go back to and lose myself in for a few hours if needed. I've played drums for ~10 years, guitar for ~5 years, and started Bass this year. I've also experimented with creating shitty chiptunes and using other programs such as FL studio.

6. I have a Straight-Edge tattoo.

It got it when I was 18. I've actually never tried an alcoholic beverage or did any type of drug in my whole life. It was just a decision I made when I was younger, but in my late teens really fell in love with the music scene around it. I'm not one of those FSU idiots though, and never will be; people just do their own thing. Eventually, I fell out of the music scene though as I realized that there were too many people at shows that liked to pretend to be the most macho guy there. Still, I enjoy a lot of the music.

7. I'm a General in the PC Master Race[sup]TM[/sup] army.

Nah, just kidding. Kind of. Well, I will say that I built my own PC last summer and have loved the hell out of it, but fighting over which console is the best is stupid (Because PC is the best, obv). I've also gotten really in the indie game scene, as a lot of those types of games come to the PC first. I think I enjoy PC gaming the most because that's where a lot of my friends are, and where I've interacted with Dtoid members the most often. I hope you pick up that I'm being sarcastic.

8. Resident Evil 4 got me really interested in science when I was younger.

I've written a C-blog about this before, but always mention it when I get that chance. Sometimes, I feel like a man-child when I mention this to people not affiliated with video-games, but it's the truth. If anything, I would argue that a lot of kids get interested in complex systems and mechanics if they play the right games. Anyway, I'm in graduate school studying Microbiology. Yoink!

9. I got a dog recently, but I've always disliked the idea of owning a pet.

It's not that I don't love them or think they're cute, it's just that I fundamentally am against raising a creature for pleasure, rather than necessity. I mean, my girlfriend does a great job of walking him, getting him healthy food, and training him in a positive way, but I feel as thought that animal domestication is icky. You see so many animals with people who don't care for them the way they should, and it makes me kind of bitter. Also, animal hair grosses me out.

10. I've really enjoyed my time at Dtoid.

I'll always have fond memories of this place. I've met some of the funniest people in my life on this website, and have had countless conversations about games and how great they are. Hanging out in the forums is always fun, and the C-blogs are for the most part interesting reads. Yeah.

10.1: I hate the C-blog editor and gave up trying to make everything right in this post.

Although I was only there for one day, I believe I can safely say that the Indie section once again was the most interesting area of the gathering. It's great to see both new and returning developers bring their ideas and games out for others, and most of them are willing to discuss their games with people in full detail. Anyway, I thought I'd share a few thoughts from my time at PAX. Let's get on with it!

[u]Hyper Light Drifter[/u]:

Definitely my game of show; (I played it after my Radio D interview with Nanashi, hence the shovel-knight mention as GOS.) This game was so much fun to play that my brother and I did the co-op, AND I waited in line for the single player demo. The combat is fast, tough, and creative as you can set up a few quick button shortcuts for various weapons that allow you to play in different ways. The dash really helps keeps the pacing interesting, and dodging is a crucial skill that needs to be mastered. Single player is more like an old-school zelda game mixed with segments that allow for rampant combat. Badass.


Game is damn fun. Definitely a Megaman / Castlevania / Metroid NES feeling game. It takes all the best concepts of those old games we loved, and adds a bunch of modern touches. The 3DS version was alright, but I think PC will be the best option as having a nice monitor and sound system really brings out the character of the game. Boss battles are a ton of fun, and there are a bunch of secondary weapons (think Up+B Castlevania style), that add a lot of variety to the game. Dat Jake Kaufman soundtrack too.

[u]Gods Will Be Watching[/u]:

I had not heard of this game before PAX, but I'm glad I stopped by to check out this demo. Based on moral and ethical decisions, this game was designed to pull your heartstrings and make you regret your choices. Whether you're trying to survive on a barren planet, or dealing with ~20 days of torture, GWBW will force you to make tough decisions that inherently fuck over others. As far as I understand it, there is absolutely no way in any of the six scenarios where you can cleanly come away with a "win". You'll be sacrificing both resources and companions to make it out alive. Most importantly, you become invested in what you choose.

[u]Hotline Miami 2[/u]:

Being a HUGE fan of the first game, I had very high expectations for the sequel. For the most part, I was very satisfied with what I had played. It has the same gritty feel and challenging gameplay that allowed you to take some pride in being a homicidal maniac. Masks are instead actual new characters with various abilities, rather than simply new skins that grant minor tweaks to the game. The variety of characters in the demo was enough to warrant multiple play-through if time had allowed it, and the demo dude insisted that there would be many more characters as well. The soundtrack is still a large part of the atmosphere, and even in the crowded PAX booth I was really getting into it.

[u]A Hat in Time[/u]:

Platformers are not games I usually resonate with, but the art style and charm this game has really got me interested in it. The open-world environment and mechanics had me thinking back to my early days of Super Mario 64. Experiencing a large colorful world as a cute little girl was something I had not done previously, and the level design and innate humor within the game itself made the demo really enjoyable. The controls were super-tight, and the environments were designed to be taken on in any way that you wanted. If platformers are your thing, or if you are looking for a great game to enjoy with a friend or son / daughter, I'd highly recommend looking into this piece.

That's it for now. I figured I'd write up something quick on some of the games I really liked at PAX. It was great meeting fellow dtoiders, and I hope that more people take the time to experience and support the indie gaming scene. Thanks for reading!

Considering everyone has been slandering up their favorite Final Fantasy games in the order they love, I've decided to throw my hat in the ring. Now, I must admit I'm definitely not as familiar with the series as some of you die-hard fans are, but please bare with me as I pour my heart out to (and on) all of you.

Anyway, let's get the show on the road!!! Please listen to this song as you read:

#5. Dark Souls

This title really emanates what classic Final Fantasy is all about. The combat system encompasses everything you love about exciting turned-based battles, except it does away with all of the boring stuff like waiting for you turn, having customizable party members, etc. to make this game shine. It's amazing how the development team behind this iconic game really got the most out of the NES hardware to create such lush visuals as well. Of course, they are nothing compared to the next title on my list...

#4. Dark Souls

Okay, you guys got me. How could I not resist putting up this cutie-pie. I can't think of a more memorable protagonist than Dark Knight number three. Whenever I look into his soft hazel eyes, my heart instantly melts. True Final Fantasy fanboys like myself know that DKNT is the true hero out of all the protagonist in this series, and that is why I had this game at number 4 on my list. God he's gorgeous. MOVING ONWARD!

#3. Dark Souls

Square Enix really pulled out all this stops in this iteration in terms of character development. I choose the screenshot above to illustrate my point, but for those unfamiliar with this series, I'll try to give a short synopsis.


Pictured above is one of the more sentimental scenes of the Final Fantasy series in which the two main Humes captains must reconcile their differences with their Bangaa brethren. Turmoil and heartache lead up to this great moment in video-game history, but I won't say anymore less I ruin the magic. A real tear drop just formed in my eye, an that's [u]EVIDENCE[/u] that this game deserves the number #3 spot..

#2: Dark Souls

I gotta hand it to the team that developed this gem. They really had a lot of pressure upon them to deliver a brilliant game with the resounding success of Dark Souls (See #4), and these guys came through for everyone. The story-writers in particular should know that many fans write their names in blood on a daily basis to celebrate the genesis that is, Dark Souls. As you can see, this title really spear-headed how most games these days handle online co-op. Take a look at this convincing statement definitely made by someone:

Usedtabe: Without the help of pk, I never would have gotten through the first level!

The selfless teamwork shown above is only a fraction of what these online interactions were in this game, and they will always stay with me for as long as I live.. Now, the moment you've all been waiting for!!!

#1. DARK SOULS!!!!!!!111!!111!

God damnit folks, I can barely contain myself over here. YES!!! Dark Souls is that all-time greatest iteration of the Final Fantasy Series!!! This iconic title started it all. This title is what made the phase "Praise the Sun" a crucial part of ever Final Fantasy fan's vocabulary! Who will ever forget the first time you were invaded? I know I won't!! All in all, if you don't agree that this is the greatest FF game to have ever graced our pathetic lives, then you might as well spit in the face of God himself.

That's it folks! It's been a lot of fun reminiscing over the Final Fantasy series with you. I hope you enjoyed it, and may Square Enix reign supreme for another ten-thousand years.