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PhilKenSebben 's blog
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About
I am now almost 33 and I'm old. I hate you. I used to run The Low(er) Tier. We podcasted (and will again) and got into development. I enjoy nothing. My interests (besides games) are: reading, hiking, playing with my kids, yelling at old(er) people, collecting various virus samples, stalking Smurfee, thinking about working out, itching my bare butthole and seeing how long I can go, without smelling my finger and Batman. I love old school cars (Chevy), football (Packers & Niners) and of course: Vidya Gamze!

My favorite games as a wee lass were: SMB3, Gunstar Heroes, Commander Keen, Blake Stone, Doom/Quake, Excitebike, Anything from Sierra/Lucasarts and MK. Now days I'm a filthy game slut. I play it all, I love it all. Keen on TBS and Roguelikes though. The replayability makes my dick hard. I'm always down to game with anyone, so feel free to hit me up on whatever you see I'm on. I've been on Dtoid quite awhile now (almost 7 years) and have been involved in numerous off the radar things like contests, recaps and spreading my AIDS. You can find me lurking mainly in the forums now days, but I check for spam and spread my love here and there in cblogs and the fp. I love you sick bastards. In a sexy non-sexual way.



I'm also on that thar Tweetarr @MikeMcPhil. Feel free to hit me up, I'm always down to chat.



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Xbox LIVE:PhilK3nS3bb3n
PSN ID:MickGuerrera
Steam ID:hillbillysk8
BattleNET:Never again
Mii code:Nope
Wii U code:Nah Uh
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I was out searching for that thing(Ha Ha Thingy!) and while out, I realized something: I am fucking amazing. Do you know how lucky you all are? Who else will make sweet, sweet love to you at anytime of the day? Who else will ignore your pm's for weeks on end, but still make dick jokes to you on the fp? Who else gives you this on the regular?

 

Jesus don't give you that. Uh uh. No, he doesn't.

 Phil does though. Phil will lay you down by the fire and kiss you from head to toe after covering you in luke warm mayo and lemon. Phil will carry you through a burning building, after he of course sets said building on fire. Phil brofists bears.

Jesus don't brofist no fucking bears.

What I'm getting at here is this: Let's fuck Dtoid. You, me, this bear and my mom. Let's get fucking nasty.

Oh and I hope you all have a Merry Christmas/Hanakuh/That other thing/Festivus. I love you folks from you old fucks, to you young bucks. Be safe, stay sane and spit in some assholes.

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PhilKenSebben
12:37 AM on 12.23.2014

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Welcome to the first time, bi-sexual, annual, anal Philly awards. These awards are designed to showcase games this year that I gave a shit about or hated, or jerked off to/on. Disclaimer: I was definitely paid at some points to showcase these games. I get lots of money from doing this and live better than you. You are a sad, pathetic creature and should take off your clothes and allow me to penetrate you. Now on to the awards.

Best Fuck You To The Person Sitting Next To Me Award: Nidhogg

Nidhogg

Nidhogg is a fast paced race to the end, featuring some of the best mind games, trickery and sword throwing I've ever expierenced. The game is an absolute blast online or local. I personally prefer local due to the look on my brothers face when I nail him with sword from across the screen or slip one in his gut after a quick feint. No other game has gotten me punched as much this year.

Runner-up: Samurai Gunn

 

Best Graphics That Made Me Want To Cum Award: Child of Light

CoL

Oh God. Did I just put cum and child on the same line? Fuck it, we're this deep already. Child of Light is jaw droppingly gorgeous. I played on Vita and much like Rayman Legends, the screen makes them graphic just pop with vibrancy. Also like Legends, she isn't just a pretty chassis. Child of Light tells a heart warming (if cliche) tale of a little girls journey to do something and to save some shit. I don't fucking know but dem graphics. 

Runner-up: The Vanishing of Ethan Carter

 

Best Game From Early In The Year That You All Fucking Forgot About Award: EDF 2025

EDF

EDF!EDF!EDF!EDF!EDF!EDF!EDF! Pure mindless, rampaging, b-movie bliss. Earth Defense Force 2025 is a masterpiece of awesome. There's not much to really say about this game (other than fuck yeah!), either you are enlisted or you are ant food. 

Runner-up: Steel Diver: Sub Wars

 

Best Reason To Ignore Your Crying Children Award: Persona Q

PQ

Etrian Odyssey and Persona came together and splooged an amazing game into our 3DS's this year. with Persona Q. Two things pretty far apart and yet feel like they were made for each other came together in an addictive cocktail of fan service, great art design and tough battles. Allowing users to choose between the teams from Persona's 3 & 4 was a smart move that added at least one more playthrough for most and will likely keep many glued to their systems until Persona 5 hits.

Runner-up: Endless Legend

 

Best Game That Had No Right Being So Good Award: Wolfenstein

Wolf

Who expected this to be so damn good? I mean sure Wolfenstein is a storied name in gaming. We all nodded when we heard ex-Starbreeze and that was pretty much it until we got our hands on it. Excellent gun-feel, great art direction, decent story and a damn solid campaign later and my mind was blown. I truly was not expecting such a great experience to hit me from these folks, but there it was. I mean these folks actually made me care about fucking BJ. That weird floating head I've stared at since before I knew how to flog my dolphin. The one with the bloody nose? Yeah I care about that guy now. Fingers crossed for a sequel and looking forward to whatever these guys pump out next.

Runner-up: Hitman Go

 

Best Game That Was Only Useful As Cum Catcher Award: Sacred 3

S3

What a steaming pile of shit this turned out to be. Sacred 3 is what I imagine happens when a room full of dipshits decide on how best to make a digital abortion of a decent franchise. Everything you liked from the first 2 is gone and shat upon. Don't even look at this game's case or it will give you AIDs.

Runner-up: Counter Strike Nexon Zombies

 

Best Laugh Out Loud Award: Jazzpunk

JP

Quirky art style, excellent writing, silly gags, pigeons, funny npc's, poop, this game has it all and as far as I'm concerned, it doesn't get enough love. A truly funny adventure through the absurd, Jazzpunk takes off immediately and doesn't let up until it's over and you want more. 

Runner-up: South Park: Stick of Truth

 

Best Reason To Own a Flannel and Fake Reading Glasses Award: Door Kickers

DK

Yep, my favorite indie game of the year has no pixels in it folks. Door Kickers is what happens when Swat/Rainbow Six and Frozen Synapse have a mutant baby. This baby is however, fucking amazeballs. Editing loadouts, planning strategies and head shotting drug dealers will keep you up well into the night. The top-down interface keeps you aware of the entire level and great sound design and easy to understand controls top off the package. Best strategy game of the year. Would suck it's dick/10.

Runner-up: Sir, You Are Being Hunted

 

Best Game With Floppy Dicks Award: Outlast

OutlastDick

Talk about a scary, unwashed dick. Those fucking creeps had some nasty, swinging salami's. Outlast had some great creepy moments and some decent jump scares, but those dicks haunt me. Awake and asleep. Hard and soft.

Runner-up: Far Cry 4

 

Best Reason To Stroke Your E-Peen Award: 1001 Spikes

AH1001

Talk about a game that doesn't hesitate to make you feel like a failing bitch. Old Aban Hawkins has it in his mind to bend you over and ram you real good. Jokes on him as you have 1001 lives to clear this game and promptly spike your controller/handheld off the ground and do a victory dance. Through the use of observation, tight controls and memorization, this feat is easily acheivable for anyone who doesn't suck. Oh sorry, you haven't beat it yet? Yeeeaaaaah.

Runner-up: Binding of Isaac: Rebirth

 

Best Shit Nintendo Did This Year Award: Kirby Triple Deluxe

Kirbs

I love that little pink son of a bitch. I love how gobbles up enemies, like Dixon's mother gobbles up dicks. I love the new abilities. I love that I was able to play a real fucking Kirby game again. The extras in the box were great too, including the Smash-like Fighters mode. Only thing missing was angry eyebrows. Way to fail North America on that one guys. Sheesh.

Runner-up: Tomodachi Life

 

Best Shit Sony Did This Year Award: Support Indies

Douches

I can't single one Sony developed game out this year due to the incredible support they have given to indies. They threw on the flannel and shined the light on: OlliOlli, Don't Starve, Binding of Isaac, Unfinished Swan, Dustforce and many others that are great games and deserve to be shown to a wider audience. While Xbox has also given indies love, Sony actually puts them in their customers face and pays the devs on time. Zinger!

Runner-up: Releasing Suikoden I & II

 

Best Shit My PC Did This Year Award: HD Footjobs

Feet

I upgraded my rig with parts from my departed step-father (thanks!) and now can run almost anything out there at at least medium specs. Its fucking nice let me tell you. But more than that, I got a 2TB HDD as well and man the size of porns I can download now..... WOOOOOOO! I also ordered a google cardboard vr kit to try with some 3D porn I downloaded and man am I excited.

Runner-up: Save me money through lot's of sales and bundles.

 

Best Reason To Stop Reading This Shit Award: It's Over.

Seriously, get the fuck out. I mean thanks for reading, please post nude pics below, but don't let the door hit ya, where the good lord split ya. 









sad

Fuck I don't even know where to begin. Actually, I do. I'm so sorry I'm here asking for help. You people are amazing and I love you and I'm sorry to ask for help like this. I wouldn't be doing this if I thought there was any other way, but well.... here I am.

"Phil you're babbling, What the fuck is up?"

Long story short: I need to raise about $3100.00 to bury my step-dad who passed away this morning from a heart attack. My mom is utterly broke, like getting evicted broke. My brother is broke and I'm fucking broke as well. You see in the past 3 months, we've buried 3 other family members already (cousin, aunt, little brother) and I had to foot the bill on the last one. Not complaining, but I literally can't do it again so soon. If a guy can kickstart potato salad, maybe I can get this guy (Ray Hayes) cremated and buried. Not trying to have a fancy service or anything, this won't even cover that or a headstone, but that doesn't matter. We just need him cremated and in the ground. I'll be able to contribute $1000 of my own once I get paid, my brother will be able to get $500, but that still leaves us with the $3100 or so to come up with. I estimate this number, based on what it cost me to cremate and bury my little brother last month ($4600) without a service or headstone and what I can come up with and what my brother can come up with. I've tried (and will continue to try) to get a loan (no dice after 4 places today), he is not a vet so no help there and the price above is already the state discount for poor people and yeah. Sorry my words aren't just flowing. Fucking floored right now and surrounded by sobbing, stressed out people and just trying to find a solution. I'll be setting up some sort of kickstart/fund page in a day and writing a more put together piece, but needed to vomit this out now and get it going. Once again, I'm fucking sorry guys. IF you can help us at all, we have my brother Jaimie's PayPal here: charleebaby84@gmail.com

Thank you all for even reading.









So a friend suggested I do a c-blog featuring all the shit I play (Damn you Jinx!). So I said fuck it. I used to try to highlight all the obscure shit on our (now defunct) podcast, but that ain't coming back soon and I'm bored. In this (soon to be) ongoing series, I will give a basic rundown on the game, if I feel it's worth your money and try to throw in some screens. WARNING!: I play a lot of obscure indie shit, so if you don't like different or pixels, kick rocks. Now let's get on with this.

Game: Vector Thrust.



What it is: It's a game stupid. Seriously though, it's basically a fan made, old school Ace Combat. Cel shaded, fuck tons of planes, dynamic missions (soon), mission editor, campaign, mp, the whole shebang. That's just what it (mostly) has now (more planes, missions, etc. all are coming). The game is still in early access ($15), but is already loaded with content. Also runs great on older rigs.

Should I?: God damn yes. If you love that sort of game that is. I have already got my monies worth and look forward to getting much more out this beast. It's a blast to play, plays nice with a controller and gives me a boner.

Game: Ziggurat



What it is: Hexen with a dash of roguelite, procedural generated rooms, weird ass monsters, awesome level ups and unlocks and a good smattering of weapons. Early access again ($12), controller support, runs on low end rigs.

Should I?: Depends. How much do like these sort of things? I personally love them and have also got my money out of this one already. The dev is fantastic wit the updates (weekly), very open to suggestions and interaction in the forums, bug fixes roll almost immediately with each new build and I'd totally blow the guy.

Game: Bedlam




What it is: So you're this awesome Irish lass, stuck in a machine and somehow transported through the ages of FPS'. You start in Quake II then go to the OG CoD. Weapons carry across (and get mixed up in) games. The voice acting is great btw. Another early access (I'm a slut for projects I believe in) title, coming together very well. Not super optimized for low end rigs, but you shouldn't have much of a problem if you're poor. Decent controller support, pretty bug free and updates come along regularly . Devs seem like solid folk as well. Also this was based on some book I never heard of by some guy named Chris Brookmyre. Price tag is steep here also: $20.

Should I?: Only if this really, really interests you or you have a thing for Irish lasses (Glowbear has already clicked buy I bet. Actually I don't know if you like your own kind, but I always think of you when playing this). I personally wanted to support the devs and loved the idea, so I jumped in. Don't regret it. There is currently about 2-3 hours of content there. 2 sections (Quake II and CoD) out of a planned 8-10 I believe. Really interesting concept, they are pulling it off nicely and I would probably give the team a round of handies. 





That wraps up the first one. I'll shoot another out in the next few weeks. All over your tits (man or lady).







PhilKenSebben
8:44 PM on 07.16.2014



What can I say about my dick? He is an awesome ass dude. Standing at 7-7.5" (interest depending) he is a stout, somewhat short gentlemen. He clocks in at decent girth of almost 2 inches and wears (what I'm told) is a very beautiful helmet. His slight lilt upwards, reminds me of a flower trying to reach an out of the way shaft of sunlight and inspires me to write poetry while laying nude in a slip and slide covered in Jello pudding. While my dick is a great guy, he's not without his share of problems but overall our relationship is rock solid. A lot of people hate on the guy though. He has been banned from the Nickelodean Kid's Choice Awards, thrown out of a P.F. Chang's, condemned by Nelson Mandela and recently had a spat with Ariana Grande. Let's do a breakdown of why this little guy garners my love:

My dick is always there if I need him

This dude never leaves my side. Rainy days, hot days, bad days and good days he is always ready to hang out. He never gets mad when I reach out to him, no matter the time of day or night and always rises to the occasion at hand.



He is always down to ride

This fool is always ready to ride on bitches. There's been times where I've even been passed out and I wake to find him riding (I'll never forgive him for that sea manatee looking thing though, to be fair he had a lot of Jager and Adios' that night) or giving someone a mouth full. Sometimes we have a tug of war argument over who he wants to ride on, but compromise on both ends has kept our relationship in good standing.



My dick is always down to party

Doesn't matter if he rises first thing in the morning, or decides he wants to make his night swell after a long day. This dick knows how to get down (and right back up again). He can go all night as long as he gets 10-30 minute breaks here and there, but he is also down to be in and out in a jiff.

He's adaptable to the situation facing him

My dick is not one to complain under any circumstances. He's happy to have company, but he can fly solo. He doesn't mind being under someone's thumb, nor does he mind if someone puts their foot down on him. He doesn't mind being in tight situations, nor less formal, looser affairs. He is willing to change it up at the drop of a hat.



He isn't a racist or bigoted dick

There are still a lot of racial/gender/identity/etc. tensions in the world and I'm proud to say that my buddy in no way contributes to such problems. He is willing to work with all ages, sexes and colors. This guy embodies equality and then fucks it. 

He doesn't get scared easily

This may not seem like a big deal, but I have a problem with people who scare easily. I figure it's due to my job (I work with psychotics and mentally disabled folks who have violent tendencies) and the high turn over I deal with, due to people getting scared and not helping in violent situations or being scared to deal with certain patients. My dick? This mother fucker will dive into any situation, no matter how nasty it looks. He has a bad ass scar on his head and another on his body because he wasn't afraid to get in there and get the damn job done.



As you can see from the reasons above, this is one cool dick. I love the guy to death. I know  that on the whole, his good outweighs his bad, his heart throbs with awesome and he knows when to get hard on a mother. Couldn't ask for more. I love you my dick.










Welcome. Everyone seems to be hopping on this train and since I'm not one to be left out I thought I'd spread 'em and saddle up.

1: Cropdusting

I am a cropdusting son of a bitch. I do it to my employees/patients all the fucking time too. It provides a nice vulgar laugh to accentuate my days of stress and insanity. I know it's gross and immature, I'm about to be 33, yadda yadda, but fuck you. Life is too god damn serious and clean smelling anyway.




2: I am where I am at today because of you guys.

I will never forget it either. A year ago I was beyond down on my luck. Through a mixture of bad choices and bad luck, I was broke, jobless and fucked. I didn't know what else to do, swallowed every ounce of pride I had and reached out to Dtoid for help. I received it in spades too. To the point I felt guilty, disgusted and ashamed at my failure. The important thing though, is you guys got my kids and I by until I snagged another job. All my own personal bullshit aside, that still makes me tear up that people Ive never even met (except you Qal) helped my family out so much. I love you guys so much and can never thank you enough. Now I run an adult day program for the mentally ill/handicapped and just accepted a second job as an administrator for a group of care homes that deals with the same. What a difference some help/kind words and a year can make huh?



3: I believe in God and pray almost every night.

Not something I talk about usually so I think it would be the perfect thing to slap down here. Yeah, I believe in God and do actually pray for my friends and family every night. I was raised Catholic (horribly and abusively, you know... to round it all out I guess) and for awhile after my mom died (and stopped shoving that fucking book down my throat) I was an Atheist. I would actually go to churches just to argue with the priests/reverends/deacons/whoever about the existence of Jesus, God and if we could trust the bible or not. Around 25 I'd say, I was really low. Drugs, bad shit and family problems broke me. I found myself on my knees praying without thinking about it. It felt right. I asked the Lord back into my life but do not label myself Catholic, Christian, etc. I have and will never offer God as a solution to anyone's problems and prefer to keep these beliefs mostly to myself. So yeah, the vulgar, disgusting, raping baby joke cracking Phil you know and love is going to burn in hell for eternity. Fuck it.



4: I had an interruption in my sobriety a couple months ago.

Yeah, I was drinking again for a minute. I let personal shit get the best of me and hit the bottle hard for about a month. Still worked, took care of kids, etc. But when everything was done and everyone asleep (or gone in one case), I got fucking hammered. It started with a couple drinks I had a couple months before the relapse, reminded me how good it felt, I craved it, let it prey on my mind and then overtake me. Fucking weakness. I snapped myself out of it when I noticed I had killed a bottle of E&J in a couple hours alone. For a guy who went years without a drop that was quite the achievement and wake up call. But alas, I cant let myself do that at this time. Can't wait till I retire, get the kids out and can just get drunk until I stroke out.



5: I started jerking off to anime porn out of boredom recently.

Yeah, I don't even fucking know. Did I mention there is something wrong with me?



6: I can eat the same foods for every meal and not get bored for awhile.

I don't know if it's being from broke and making due or what, but a co-worker called me out on eating the same exact kind of sammich everyday for two weeks. I never really thought about it, but I am quite content eating the same thing for every meal, every day. I do it with lunch and breakfast constantly. Dinner is a different story since Im cooking for others, but if I was alone you can be damn sure it'd be taco night, every night.



7: Shit.... ummmmm......

Here?