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9:11 PM on 09.11.2009

Pendelton's PAX Pontifications: The Best and Worst Booth at PAX

Awesome, yet retarded.

If you come to any of the big gaming industry events like PAX, you’re bound to see some of the craziest exhibition booths in existence. Game companies will do ANYTHING to get you to try out their games; give out free swag, have costumed people walk around their booth, erect mechanical bulls. The good companies draw you in with these gimmicks; the BEST one have amazing swag and games. Somehow, the Hudson booth managed to be both the best AND worst booth at PAX.

Those that went to PAX might not even know what booth I’m talking about. If you blinked, you missed it. Positioned between the Capcom and Conan booths, this Hudson kiosk was tiny. 3 of ‘em could fit in any of the other companies’ booths. This thing was small. On display were 4 LCDs, running 2 games of Deca Sports 2, a Diner Dash XBLA demo, and a video screen showing off gameplay videos of some space marine bullshit, Miami Law, Diner Dash, and Deca Sports 2. That’s it. 2 Hudson signs were the only other decoration. Right off the bat, the Hudson booth fails on the basis of presentation. It’s just…just awful.

Even more vile were the games on display. I played both on display, for reasons explained in the next paragraph, and MAN did they suck. Deca Sports 2, as you can probably gather from the name, is the sequel to the shitty, much-advertised-and maligned Deca Sports. Also, as you can easily guess, the game is a crappy, awful, no-good, very bad Wii Sports clone. For testing purposes, I played in a “tournament” with a few others, all vying for whatever random prizes they had to offer. First up, Gary (some douche) and I faced off in a motorbike race. Controls were as you’d expect, in that they were exactly Mario Kart’s controls. One difference was if you didn’t slow down through a turn, you’d hit a wall. But, rather than doing the sane thing most games do and have your speed decrease upon contact, you come to a COMPLETE FUCKING STOP. Seriously, all forward momentum is gone if you so much as TAP a wall or barricade. At the end of the longest race of my life, Gary came out the winner, and moved on, leaving me feeling like I was sexually abused by a video game. Yeah, it was that bad.

Being a glutton for punishment (apparently), I stepped to the next screen to play some Diner Dash. I knew DD was alright because, seriously, how can you fuck up that game? Thankfully, they didn’t, but it’s still Diner Dash, something you’ve played millions of time before online, on your cell, on your DS, etc. They did at least add in restaurant upgrades; items you could gain after achieving a certain score that helps your customers stay happy. In my demo, we picked up a drink station and juggler; the station to give them something to drink before their meal, and the juggler to keep them entertained while they wait in line. I’m guessing there aren’t enough people willing to buy this on PSN and XBLA, but they did it anyway. Oh well, at least the multiplayer was kinda fun; I got a bit of enjoyment “fighting” someone else to be the best waitress.

Now, you must be thinking, “Pendelton. This booth sounds like a poor person designed and payed for it. How can this possibly be good?”

Swag, my friends, swag. Of all the free shit given out at PAX, Hudson gave away the awesomest. Seriously. For participating in the Deca Sports Shit-a-thon, you got…these:

AWESOME motorcycle racing gloves! When I originally got them, they had a Deca Sports 2 patch on the back. I cut that shit off as soon as I could, and now I have bitchin’ gaming/biking gloves.

What about Diner Dash you say? Oh, well, I just got:

A FUCKING APRON. What. How ridiculous is this thing? WHO GIVES OUT FREE APRONS?!?! On top of that, I picked up a metal pin/police badge for Miami Law, and 2 individually numbered dogtags from that space marine nonsense from before.

This shows the strange greatness of this booth; not only are they giving away really cool shit, all the swag has a real connection to the game. Unlike other booths that showered you with God of War 3 lanyards and Brutal Legend stickers, Hudson made each and every bit of swag relate with the game it was advertising. Seriously, giving out aprons for a game associated with dining? Genius. They also allowed swag possession ONLY if you played their shitty games; thus, you had to at least try out their product before they would spend money on you. Not enough booths at PAX made this rule; why spend money on swag that you’re just gonna hand out to passers-by, rather than those who took time to actually play your game?

Hudson, if you’re reading this, I have a question; how did you pull this off? How exactly could you publish such crap games as those displayed at PAX, yet have enough know-how and spunk to make your swag the best of the show? There’s something so wrong about it. I felt like I had whored myself out for swag; subjecting myself to these rotten gaming experiences for some really cool shit. If any booth at PAX could’ve done that, it had to be the best AND worst booth there.   read

8:31 PM on 09.09.2009

Level-Headed: Pelican Bay

As wonderful an experience as PAX was, something was missing. Going to Seattle, I knew, in my heart of hearts, I was gonna be able to sink my teeth into news about the 3rd installment of my favorite downloadable series, On The Rain-Slick Precipice of Darkness. This ingenious and funny RPG created by the Penny Arcade guys has delighted me for hours on end, with both episode 1 and 2 holding some of the best turn-based battles and enjoyable scenarios I’ve ever played. Not hearing anything about Ep. 3 made me a sad panda, to be sure. But, going to PAX, I decided to go back and play Ep. 1, in preparation for the news that never came. In doing that, I was reminded of one of the strangest levels I’ve ever witnessed in an RPG: the festival-like, mime-infested Pelican Bay.


Pelican Bay, much like the boardwalks of your youth, contains everything for an enjoyable summer afternoon: mimes, barbershop quartets, games of chance, popcorn, and cults trying to release an ancient unspeakable horror onto the land. This level opens up about 1/3rd through the game, while you, Gabe, and Tycho are on the hunt for the Fruit Fucker that destroyed your house (God I love this plot). The area begins with a visit to the shop of the odd-doesn't-even-begin-to-describe-him Mr. Swindell. Navigate some of the strangest in the dialogue in the game, and give Swindell your ticket, to gain access to the boardwalk.

Making your way through the opening gate, you come in contact with a mime scientist. He tells you that he was once under the control of some sort of mime cult, who has now confiscated some of his invisible mime items. Guess who has to find that shit? Well, you do, and that means walking through the gorgeously-drawn boardwalk doing everything from playing carnival games, collecting prize tokens, and fighting, fighting, fighting. You basically carve your way through swarms of clowns, singing quartets, and the aforementioned evil mimes. The best part about these enemies are their attacks; the clowns toss their over-sized red boots at you with an attack called Bop Shoe Bop, the quartet fights using their vast vocal skills, and the mimes attempt to, well, MIME you to death.

Greatest attack name ever.

As you progress through the level, you eventually come into contact with the Necrowombicon, the book that turned all these mimes into religious zealots, obeying the will of some great being known as The Silent One (see where this is going?). Eventually you get the mime scientist's parts back for him, and learn that, to save the world, you have to battle the as-yet-unseen Silent One, who is looking to come into this world and rule with a giant, unspeaking hand. Through determination and battling the higher-ups in the mimes evil cult cabal, the final boss battle comes. You go face to face, tentacle to rake, against The Silent One; a statue…possessed by Cthulu…in a mime outfit. Yeah.

See? Frightening, isn't he?

Now, I'd rather not spoil the final fight, as it's not only the final of the episode, but one of the better ones I've fought in so far. Just know; it's awesome. If you're a fan of RPGs or what Gabe and Tycho do in general, you fucking OWE it to yourself to pick this (and Ep. 2) up, and enjoy pure, hilarious bliss. Then, you can join me while I wait for news about Ep. 3.

World 8-1 (Super Mario Bros. 3
Industrial Castle (Castle Crashers)
The Milkman Conspiracy (Psychonauts)
Turbo Tunnel (Battletoads)
Ye Olde Royal Odeon (Guitar Hero 3)
The Homerun of Death (Illbleed)
Waluigi's Island (Mario Party 3)
Report 5: Evil In The Galaxy Revealed! (Space Channel 5)
Fort Frolic (Bioshock)
Airport 1001 (Mega Man X)
Crescent Isle (Skies of Arcadia)
Chainsaw Hedgemaze Mayhem (Zombies Ate My neighbors)
Temple Of Ice (LoZ: Phantom Hourglass)   read

11:36 AM on 09.08.2009

Pendelton's Post-PAX Pontifications: Welcome home.

Suddenly, a god-like voice boomed out over the masses. “Ladies and gentlemen,” it spoke, “PAX 2009 is now open.”

“Welcome home.”

Ain’t that the fucking truth. PAX 2009 has officially commenced, leaving me feeling the same way someone must feel at the end of an orgy; hot, sticky, and sighing in ecstacy, but longing for more. I could not have asked for a better weekend. Not only did I get to take part in some of the greatest minutes in gaming, I also met the greatest group of people in exsitence, and forever emblazoned the symbol of said group on my body. Yes, you’ve heard it a million times before, and you’ll hear it even more in the future, but it really is true; you MUST come here.

The sights, the sounds, the smells, the feelings; it all must be experienced. You have to stumble through the streets of Seattle on a Friday afternoon and see a man walking a leashed ferret. You must listen to the pings and shouts of joy coming from the arcade playground known as Gameworks. You’ve gotta get your hands on a game that you’d never heard of before, but INSTANTLY want. (Oh Shank. Oh God yes Shank.) You should really feel the embrace of a drunk internet superstar that you weren’t expecting (love you, Sessler!). You must come home.

Over the next few days, if you’d indulge me, I’m gonna fucking shove PAX down your throats. I’ve got a new Level-Headed tomorrow about a PAX-related game, a story about the worst AND greatest booth (the Hudson booth) at PAX, a review of the Freezepop concert, a behind-the-scenes tale of the Dtoid tattoo, a collection of cosplayers, and my love letter to the Elephant and Castle, the meeting place of the PAX Dtoiders.

Whether you’re upset that PAX is over, or that you couldn’t go, I hope you’ll enjoy the tales I’m prepared to tell. ‘Cause I sure as hell enjoyed experiencing them.

How much is a plane ticket to Boston?   read

11:32 AM on 08.31.2009

College Course Using Guitar Hero To Teach...Guitar?

Unless you have to do it for homework.

Whilst perusing through my daily publication-of-choice (The BG NEWS, my campus' newspaper), I came across a story about how professors are taking everyone's favorite tiny baby guitar and putting it to good use. Prof. Tom Cody and Ass. Prof. Ann Clements have been teaching their music education students proper techniques for teaching begining guitar players the basics. This spring, Penn State students who sign up for MUSIC 112 will learn all about guitar basics, Star Power, and how to properly defeat the devil with the power of rock. Ok, it's not that awesome, but the GH controllers will be used to teach proper coordination and guitar handling. Since most K-12 students are being brought up with gaming, and most teenagers have alreaqdy had interactions with these sort of games, Clements believes that it will attract more kids to picking up their own six-string. "It's something more than a game," Clements said. "It's more than pushing buttons."

What makes this article more interesting is a poll done in this musical education class. Of the 35 students in the class, when asked if video games were a viable form with which to teach music, only 20% said that they were. Once the class was over, and the students had learned about how the game can be used in an educational fashion, roughly 90% agreed that this was a good method to use. It just goes to show that some of the naysayers (such as the ones Harmonix talks about) might be wrong about dismissing these rhythm games.

Original article found here   read

8:48 PM on 08.24.2009

Why I love Destructoid

Because, within 5 days of asking for a tattoo design, not only did the community (including the beautiful, awesome Mikey) oblige, but Niero fucking agreed to fully pay for it. Awesome.


10:57 AM on 08.20.2009

Top 10 reasons why the Rock Band portable drum kit rawks ass.

10. It's portable: do you realise what this means? YOU CAN DRUM. ON THE GO. Well, as long as you also have some sort of portable 360 and television.

9. It works better than the GH drums: God, what a horrible peripheral the GH drums are. Whoever created those needs to have them surgically attatched to him/herself, so that they must always live with that shame.

8. If the portable drum kit was a useable item in Yakuza 3, you could probably use them to kill someone. Probably.

7. The footpedal: it's adjustable, big, and won't snap in half when your Uncle Morty (and his gigantic feet) try and use it.

6. The red drum head: Seriously, that fucking kicks ass.

5. Fat Princess does more for feminism...wait, shit, that's a different list.

4. When configured properly, the portable drum kit looks like an intergalactic super squid.

3. The hidden classic controller: all 4 drum heads and the foot pedal get connected to a center console, that looks a bit like a SNES controller. Amazingly, you can actually use this console LIKE AN SNES CONTROLLER. Seriously, the dpad is pretty good, and I love playing Mega Man 9 with it.

2. It's basically a custom drumset kit creator, as the drum heads can be arranged any way you want them. That means you can have a head by your balls, 2 across the room, and one behind your head, replicationg the drum set up Neil Pert uses.

1. Yojimbo: because I like following trends.


12:36 AM on 08.20.2009

Here's a drunk blog that actually tells you somethin.

Hey. You's. Is you going tO PAX? Oh, well then, you might wanna be around for thisss.

On Thursdaay, septembber 3rd, at 'roundg 5 p.m. I wil be getting my Destructoid tatoo at Apolcypse Tattoo which is about 8 blocks from the convention cnter. Any scommunity suppert would be appreciated. I also beileve the good man Rey will be on hand to do some recording, fo rthae sad few of you that won't be able to make it to pAX . I should also be showing offf my tat round the convention cen ter throughout the event showing of the tattttoo , so you can see it in erson.

Also, in less interetsing news, Fallout 3 is the greattest RPG i've ever played. Shocking es, but seriously it's beaetn Skies of arcadia as one fo the best rpgs i've ever witnedsed.

OH OH. Imade a sale on my perler etsy store, and need to mkae more sprited a.s.ap. If you'd like too sea nything perlerized, just give me a ring via coments. I'll rpobably make it, and sell if in my store! Whereeeeeeee!!!

I can't weait to see Inglouirious Batards friday. Amirite?   read

12:36 PM on 07.29.2009

Level-Headed: Industrial Castle

It seems the end is in sight. After days upon days making my way through this treacherous kingdom, I’ve made it to the Industrial Castle, holding place of the Princesses I was tasked to retrieve. Before me stood a bastion to all things mechanical, an obstacle I’ve had yet to face on my quest. Not knowing what lay before me, I rushed in, ready for battle.

…and was immediately stopped with a big metal plate. At the entrance to the castle, my eyes came upon the lovely Princess. Then, the King of the strange castle came in and grabbed her! I knew I had to move fast. Charging the keep, I ran headfirst into the castle door…only to be knocked back by it’s sheer size and weight. A few slashes, which would normally do the trick, made hardly a dent in the massive piece of metal.

Trying everything at my disposal to break down the front door, the king of this strange castle cackles wildly while proclaiming “You aren’t beefy enough to break this door!” Finally, I’m left with the only item I have yet to find a use for; a peanut butter and jelly sandwich a demon sold to me in the lava caves I had just passed through. Consuming the delectable treat, I instantly feel imbibed with some sort of fantastic power. Somehow, I’ve grown 3 times in size, becoming a hulking behemoth strong enough to rip the door apart at the seams. Witnessing my act of destruction, the king shrieks and runs back into his castle, princess in tow. And I follow.

In the first wall of the castle I come across a handful of Fencers, the assumed protectors of this lair. Eager to defeat them, I rushed in, sword wielded, and began battle. The Fencers were unlike anything I had seen before; knights with sharp blades and the innate ability to summon forth metal blades from the ground. Getting caught with even one of these attacks would juggle me in the air for a bit, making the battle that much harder. Eventually, each fencer met their demise at the end of my blade.

The next obstacle was a host of traps the King had set for me. First was a row of cannons that shot out poisoned magic rounds in rows. A few well-timed jumps took care of them. Next was the perilous walkway. Extending over a pool of poison, the walkway was bombarded by huge mechanical maces hanging from the ceiling. Oddly enough, the maces had a rhythm at which they fell, meaning I had to devise a route through them. After nearly getting hit a few times, I stand face-to-face with my final hurdle; walls made of lightning. Before me were columns topped with strange spectral orbs which emitted electricity. Much like the mighty maces, these walls had a similar pattern to figure out. Realizing the true path, I made it through the lightning with ease.

Next I fought my way through more enemies on top of a moving platform, rising to the top of the castle. At the top, through more Fencers, the king awaited, with some sort of death machine he thought capable of defeating me. Walking in front of a wall, it instantly sprang to life with demonic, glowing red eyes, and a glass window protecting the king. As I stepped in front of the control room, the king turns on his diabolical device: columns pop up out of the ground, shooting orbs of electricity. An elemental cannon drops down on the right side, shooting everything from ice and fire to more poison. Finally, a robotic hand drops out of the left ceiling, “kicking” at me with its fingers. To make matters worse, the area I was stuck in was flanked by floor tiles seemingly made out of lava, or super-heated through some sort of mechanical process.

The columns were easy enough to dispatch of; as soon as one popped out, I’d focus all my magic on it. As soon as the 5th column was destroyed, I focused on the right-side cannon, a trickier foe. As the cannon panned from left to right, I could easily determine when it would release its magical payload. But, the fact that it was constantly moving, and could retract into the ceiling, mad it a bit hard to hit. Finally destroyed, all I had left to contend with was the robotic arm. Much like the cannon, it was constantly moving (this time, coming straight at me), and could retract if necessary. Using a constant barrage of jumps and magic projectiles, I crippled the arm, and the entire device, for good.

With his evil mechanical contraption finally bested, the King rushes out of the control room. Outside, the Evil Wizard has appeared, seemingly to save the King and take the Princess! How could I have been so careless? But, as the King tosses his prize to the Wizard, the Evil one disappears. I now stand, eye to eye, with my adversary. A decision arises; do I end his life, kick him off the keep walls, and gather my prize, or let him cower in fear as I take the final item needed to continue my journey?

…what do you THINK I chose?

[P.S. This is one of my favorite levels in Castle Crashers. The design of the castle, the music, and the types of obstacles are immensely enjoyable in this type of game. Plus, this is the level where you get one of my favorite Animal orbs, Cardinal! And, yes, it’s interesting that there’s a kind of “moral choice” at the end of this level that most people might not eve know about. Believe me, this is a great level, and it DEFINITELY won’t be the last time I mention CC in this column. See ya next week, folks!]

The Milkman Conspiracy (Psychonauts)
Turbo Tunnel (Battletoads)
Ye Olde Royal Odeon (Guitar Hero 3)
The Homerun of Death (Illbleed)
Waluigi's Island (Mario Party 3)
Report 5: Evil In The Galaxy Revealed! (Space Channel 5)
Fort Frolic (Bioshock)
Airport 1001 (Mega Man X)
Crescent Isle (Skies of Arcadia)
Chainsaw Hedgemaze Mayhem (Zombies Ate My neighbors)
Temple Of Ice (LoZ: Phantom Hourglass)   read

12:40 PM on 07.22.2009

Level-Headed: The Milkman Conspiracy

[Finally, after a long, unintended hiatus, welcome back to Level-Headed, showcasing the best levels in gaming! As usual, I’m your lovely host Pendelton. Now that things have gotten to be a little less hectic in my life, I’m coming back on a weekly basis to talk about the best of the best in level designs. I thought that, since this is a long time coming, I should start off this new “season” (if you will) with the level that first made me want to start this series. So, without further ado…]

Psychonauts. The mere mention of that game brings out fits of pure, school-girlish joy for many gamers. Not only one of the best Tim Schaefer games ever created, but quite possibly the greatest platformer ever. A phenomenal story, great powers and abilities, and amazing levels of humor make this a much-loved game.

And the levels. My God, the levels. Each level in the game represented the psyche of whomever’s brain you happened to enter at that time. You literally play in someone’s mind: fight their demons, sort out their emotional baggage, and find out things about the characters you’d never know otherwise. While this isn’t the last time I talk about this game on Level-Headed, I’d like to show you a level that, after playing it, literally changed the way I thought about gaming. What level you might ask (or not, if you read the goddamn blog title)?

The Milkman Conspiracy.

As I said, each level is housed within someone’s brain; every thought of theirs was manifested in some way. The most demented level, belonging to the most demented character in the game, is inside the head of security guard Boyd Cooper. When you first meet him in the game, at the entrance of the insane asylum where your girlfriend is being held, Boyd is scribbling random shit on the walls, and mumbling about the most random things (if you have some time, stand near him and take a listen). Eventually, you find out that he's got the secret to getting into the asylum. How do you get that secret? By making an entrance into his mind (via a small wooden door item) and entering his subconscious. This is where things get truly interesting, as if they hadn't already been.

I bet it is, Boyd. I bet it is...

It turns out that Boyd is a bit of a conspiracy nut; your psychological journey starts in Boyd's house, where Boyd is working on a conspiracy based on someone called The Milkman. When you first enter his brain, you get to see Boyd talking about all kinds of random conspiracies, such as the G-Men, The Rodeo Clown Cartel, and the fact that the intelligence community is in league with cows to overthrow the tenderizer market. If you haven't caught on, Boyd's insane. After leaving his house, and gaining the new psichic power of Clairvoyance, you're treated to one of the most surreal levels in gaming history.

The level design, if you aren't fully prepared, might make you feel dizzy at times, Since Boyd's head is filled with convoluted, intertwining, and twisted theories, the level reflects that. Basically you're in Dali's version of the perfect neighborhood. Streets bend wildly around themselves. The road cracks open to reveal nothingness. Up becomes left, right becomes backward, and even something as a simple jump can have you falling into oblivion. Hell, even the architecture in the level is stupendous. Each house, from the outside in, looks like it was cut and pasted from an episode of Leave It To Beaver. The lighting fixtures, the topiary-cut shrubs, and even the lawn furniture is reminiscent of the late 50s.

lol wut

Conspiracy bleeds into every niche of the level. Eyes peer out at you from behind closed blinds. Men in trench coats with hidden faces wander around the scenery. Hell, one area of the level is a friggin' book depository with a sniper chilling at the top. Plus, if you're quick enough, you might just realize that what you thought was a fire hydrant is REALLY a hidden camera. Sure, it's an interesting way to belabor the point that Boyd thinks the world is out to get him (i.e. everyday objects are just instruments of the government). But, this shows the inherent beauty within each level in Psychonauts; when you get into someone's head, their head gets into yours. For instance, as you walk along the roads looking for your next objective, a camera might pop out of the bushes. You think to yourself, "Wait, did I just see that?" Not sure of yourself, you walk along, until it happens again. Now, you're freaking out a bit, because you have no idea if what you've seen is real or just in your head. Then you begin eying all kinds of scenery, trying to find a camera hidden in them. Welcome to the mind of a conspiracy theorist.

The most common "enemies"/obstacles in this level are the men in trench coats mentioned earlier. As you progress, you'll come across groups of the G-men holding different objects, such as flowers, telephones, and hedge shears. To sneak past them, you must be holding the same item they are, so that they'll believe you're just like them. For instance, to get an extra life token, you have to walk into a group of G-men holding a rolling pin, while doing so yourself. Then, by using the Clairvoyance power given to you at the start of the level, you can look through their eyes to see that they see you as nothing but a common housewife. The same happens at a cemetery, when you have to hold flowers so the G-men think you're just another grieving widow. Also, if you get the time, talk to the G-men while disguised. They speak to you, in the most heartless monotone voice ever, as if you're who you're disguised as. Holding a plunger around other plunger-wielding G-men will let them talk to you about being a plumber, and talking about how they've seen you "at the last union meeting".

Eventually, you come to find out that this milkman Boyd keeps going on about is some powerful, god-like person being protected by the neighborhood children, a gang called The Rainbow Squirts. Basically stereotypical government workers merged with The Girl Scouts, The Rainbow Squirts have taken a "pledge of purpose" to protect the Milkman at all costs (which you can read on my sidebar). So, the final area of the game has you fighting the scout leader, an evil woman who wields deadly God's eyes. Once she is defeated, all of the secrets of The Milkman are revealed to you.

Seriously, God's eyes.

Seriously, you need to play this level. I've left out a few key points about the level, but only because they have to be experienced to be truly enjoyed. The trial of Boyd Cooper stand out as one of the greatest levels in history. And, I hope you'll take time to find that out for yourself.

Turbo Tunnel (Battletoads)
Ye Olde Royal Odeon (Guitar Hero 3)
The Homerun of Death (Illbleed)
Waluigi's Island (Mario Party 3)
Report 5: Evil In The Galaxy Revealed! (Space Channel 5)
Fort Frolic (Bioshock)
Airport 1001 (Mega Man X)
Crescent Isle (Skies of Arcadia)
Chainsaw Hedgemaze Mayhem (Zombies Ate My neighbors)
Temple Of Ice (LoZ: Phantom Hourglass)   read

2:08 PM on 07.08.2009

RTS Movie Review: Double Dragon

AND WE'RE BACK! Ladies and gents, if you recall, last year I did a Real-Time Suck Movie Review of the god-awful video game movies Stay Alive and Gamebox 1.0. Well, in honor of the Mortal Kombat Podtoid this week, I thought I'd bring back the RTS movie reviews with 1994's smash blockbuster Double Dragon. Like last time, I watched the movie, making notes about scenes, and said notes are presented below for you to enjoy, should you ever force yourself to watch this movie. Enjoy!

0:01 "Somewhere In China". Thanks for being specific, subtitle!

0:02 OH NO! There's a shaolin village being attacked by a band of by an Afghani woman?

0:02:15 Ah, the old cutting-out-your-tongues-to-keep-a-secret trick. It's practically by the book for shaolin monks.

0:03 These monks must LOVE Bed Bath and Beyond. Where the hell else are they gonna get that many tea lights?

0:04 Ahahaha! The setting is New Angeles, 7 years after the "big quake" (and said quake is what caused RP to wake from the Earth to look for the Double Dragons). And narrating the backstory is Robert Patrick, with hair that can ONLY have been kept up with the gel the T-1000 is made out of.

0:05 Oh, wow, SOMEONE knows how to use Pro-Tools: RP just started shimmering before turning paper-thin.

0:06 And we've somehow changed scenes to the finale of Karate Kid...and there's an aftershock. it possible to HAVE aftershocks 7 years after the initial earthquake? That can't be right. Also, we're introduced to Billy Lee, played by some Party of 5 kid, and Jimmy Lee, played amazingly by the Iron Chef Chairman. Seriously.

0:07 BILLY LEE NOOGIES HIS OPPONENT. Apparently, that's not allowed in underground city-wide karate competitions (which is bullshit).


0:09 And now, the greatest news team ever; George Hamilton and Vannah White, plus Andy Dick with the weather. I think this is officially the greatest dystopian future ever.

0:11 Driving home from The NA City Invitational Underground Karate Tournament, in a 3rd rate Ecto 1, Billy, Jimmy, and Random Asian Sidekick get jumped by a gang headed up by...ABOBO!?!?! Holy shit, they actually stayed faithful to the game?

0:13 See? They even have the part in the game where you're driving a garbage-fueled car, being chased by a computer-controlled Hummer/monster truck. Wait...

0:16 And, as always, the day is saved by Cheese Whiz.

0:17 Billy: "My life just passed before my eyes. Man, I sleep a lot." Oh, you lazy, goofy fucker.

0:18 Jimmy (to Abobo): "Hey, broomhead." Billy: "We're gonna sweep the floor with your skull." I can't believe God would allow that line to exist.

0:19 Holy shit, they've even got Marion, who's now the leader of street gang Power Corps, and portrayed for the silver screen by Alyssa Milano. Fuck. Yes.

0:23 Ok, now shit's getting boring. At least the chick with the whip from DD is here as RP's assistant.

0:24 NEWS FLASH: Madonna has just divorced Tom Arnold, is moving to Paris.

0:28 Ooo, a new fight scene! Apparently, the Lee bros. live in the fucking Eliminator from American Gladiators. And they're being chased by random twin asian guys.

0:31 Sweet Lord this fight is awful. At least the Chairman knows some awesome kung-fu moves.



0:33 Mark it, I'm 33 min. in, and I already want to shove Billy's head up Abobo's ass to shut him the fuck up.

0:34 RP pulls his shadow trick again, and can somehow play piano. Apparently know one making this movie knows how a shadow works.

0:37 RP blows up the Agro Crag with random Asian sidekick still inside. Goodbye, whoever you are; we hardly gave a shit about ya.

0:38 Is it bad that I burst out laughing when Billy started crying?

0:39 BATTLE OF THE CENTURY: Robert Patrick vs. The creepy dude from the original Last House on The Left.

0:40 ...AND PATRICK TAKES IT WITH A FORCE CHOKE. Seriously, I can't make this shit up.

0:42 I just realized something; they have yet to explain how the whitest guy in existence and an Asian guy are brothers.

0:45 And here comes trouble: RP put out an APB to all the gangs in NA to take out the Lees. Somehow we've wandered into The Warriors.

0:46 Oh, my God: a mailman just lunged off a building, at the Lees, while screaming "SPECIAL DELIVERY! AIR MAIL!"

0:49 Why...why is there a high-speed boat chase IN A DOUBLE DRAGON MOVIE?!? And, yes, since this is the future, the boats have computers on them.

0:53 Great line from RP: "I just want total domination of ONE major American city. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR!?!?"

0:56 At Power Corps' HQ, Marion is torturing Abobo for info using...a funnel...and spinach. Wonder if that torture is as bad as sitting through this movie?

0:58 Ok, Power Corps HQ is oficially the greatest place to live. Ever.

1:01 Time to sneak into RP's tower! And, oddly enough, we get a scene of the Lee bros. fighting over who gets to stare at Marion's ass while they make their way through a vent. Priceless.

OK, she does have a great ass, but still.

1:04 Wow: trying to steal back a piece of the DD medallion, they use fishing line and a pin. What, didn't have a stick and some gum handy?

1:07 Umm...Ok, apparently RP can posess people now. Great.

1:10 OH NO! Jimmy's in danger! Wake me up when I give a shit.

1:11 Channel 69, lol.

1:13 Oh, yeah, there's a sub-plot about Marion's dad being chief of police. Yes, it's fucking boring.

1:15 Best. Line. Ever. There's a raid on the Power Corps HQ, and Lash (chick with whip) beats up Marion, saying "Who's the boss now?" AWESOME!

1:16 The music in this scene makes me jealous of the deaf.

1:17 Haha, they keep Abobo locked up in the bathroom from 8 Mile.

1:18 YAY JIMMY'S BACK. And he just raised his eyebrow at the camera. If I had a vagina, it'd be wet right now.

1:20 Shocker: Billy and Jimmy fight next to a Double Dragon cabinet. Who didn't see this coming FROM THE BEGINNING OF THE MOVIE?

1:22 Wow, RP has somehow split into 2 shadow dragon warriors after getting both DD medalions. GET IT LOL? God, this movie is even making me start to hate myself.

1:23 RP: "You're weak like your father." Billy: "You're ugly like your mother." BURN.

1:25 Wow, those are the flashiest karate gis ever created.

1:27 ...and that was the gayest high-five ever.

1:30 Finally, this goddamn shitfest is over. Honestly, I'm glad I saw it for free, but I'd be sooooo much happier if I paid to see this, but was completely drunk.   read

8:14 PM on 07.07.2009

The Destructoid Tattoo: An Update + Mega Man, it's been a long, LONG time since I've posted anything here. Well, this is a good enough place to start; an update on the Dtoid tattoo I'm getting at PAX.

Oh, yes, I'm still getting it. As some of you might remember, I had a contest a few months back to find a tattoo design made by community members that I'd get a tattoo of. Well, after a week of polling, Mikey's design got chosen. Congrats, Mikey! But, as a lot of people expressed in the forums and my blog, I might not have put enough thought into the design I was gonna get etched on my body FOREVER. So, after working with Mikey for a bit, and looking at designs he's already done, we've got this:

Gorgeous, ain't it? This little beauty will be adorned for life on my right shoulder. And it's going there during PAX. As of right now, the plan is to get this tattoo done Friday during PAX at one of 2 tattoo parlors. Next month, I'm gonna contact both parlors to find the right artist and time to get the artwork done. As soon as I know, the lovely Dtoid community will also know. So be on the lookout for that!

Speaking of tattoos, a few people asked for a better picture of the Mega Man tattoo I got last week.

I got it done in my friend Rich's home studio (which isn't shady, as some of you might think). I was super-impressed with how well the pixelation came out, and I think it's fucking gorgeous.

So, there, I'm back on Dtoid posting again, and you're all up to speed on my tales of past and future body modifications. If you'd excuse me, I have some recaps to do.

(Oh, and those of you who liked the Mortal Kombat and Street Fighter Podtoids might want to keep your eyes trained here tomorrow afternoon =])   read

3:33 PM on 06.14.2009

Backwards Compatible Podcast Recording Tonight

As always, being that it's Sunday, it's time to ask the handsome devils of the Backwards Compatible podcast some questions (C WUT I DID THUR?!?!!?). So drop us a line (or...comment, I guess) below, and we'll try our hardest to muster up the necessary care to read what you've written. Oh, and yeah, there's gonna be a lot of this going on:


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