My name is Pendelton (well, not really, but it sounds cool).
I have thoughts on Video Games.
You will listen to them.
Then your panties will melt.
I know, because I saw all this happening in a dream.
Also, I've got a Destructoid tattoo.
Top 10 Loved Games Evar:
2. Skies of Arcadia
4. Mega Man X
5. Zombies Ate My Neighbors
6. The World Ends With You
7. Chrono Trigger
8. Super Mario RPG: Legend Of The Seven Stars
9. The Legend Of Zelda: The Phantom Hourglass
10. Space Channel 5
Bottom 10 Games:
9. Shaq Fu
7. Draconus: Cult of the Wyrm
6. Castlevania 64
5. Backyard Hockey
4. Magical Starsign
3. Spawn Armageddon
2. Simpsons Wrestling
1. MTV Sports: Skateboarding
And now, the sacred oath of The Rainbow Squirts:
To promote niceness.
To make the world prettier.
To share candy with everyone.
To obfuscate the true nature of the Milkman.
To protect the Milkman at all costs.
To eliminate all who threaten to reveal his secret objective.
Last time I gave you folks all the makings for a fantastic night of game food. While I'd like to give you another great menu, I've decided to look at the darker side of video game grub. I wouldn't give this stuff to the lowliest Goombah as a meal. Say hello to the Pizza by Alfredo of video game food:
Now that is just unsanitary.
Alright, this is a given. While preparing your delicious meat patty Chef Pepper feels the need to walk over any goddamn ingredient, in the hopes of making a better burger for his customers (and attempting to not die). Plus, the burgers are rather plain; only lettuce and meat? Where’s the tomato? The ketchup? Who in the hell orders such a simple burger? AT LEAST PUT CHEESE ON THERE, JESUS. To make matters worse, the Chef liberally applies pepper to the burger whenever he feels like it (i.e. to not die). Oh, and don’t get me started on putting hot dogs and eggs on burgers…
Turkey in Final Fight
WHO THE FUCK KEEPS FOOD IN TRASH CANS THAT IS A STUPID WAY TO STORE FOOD.
Bloatfly Meat from Fallout 3
What a creepy bastard...
C'mon, are you serious? Do you really fucking expect me to believe that someone, anyone would eat the backside of a giant beetle? This is disgusting. I understand that various bugs are delicacies in other countries, but I don't understand this. The nutritional value is awful, it can give you radiation poisoning, and it is a bugs ass. This wouldn't even be good fried...yeah, I know.
Poison Rice Balls from Tenchu
A bit too deadly for my delicate palate.
Ok yes, of course I'm not gonna eat anything I'm explicitly told is poisoned. That's a given. But that's not the worst part about these treats. Have you ever eaten something that's been in someone's pocket for a while? Rikimaru has to carry these things around with him for days, and has to have gotten them dirty, sweaty, wet, and bloody through his adventures. And with the way rice absorbs flavors, you never know how bad this stuff could actually be.
Ice Cream from Beat ‘Em and Eat ‘Em
The premise of Beat Em and Eat Em is rather simple; 2 scantily-clad women run back and forth under a building, attempting to catch the drops coming from a gentleman's ice cream cone. At least, that's what the cover tells me; I have no idea what the game is REALLY about. I find this very unsanitary. Who in their right mind eats ice cream dripping out of someone else's cone? It doesn't make a whole lot of sense.