When I was a kid, there was no better thrill in the world than going to Toys R Us. It was childhood Mecca; the place where dreams were made of plastic and rubber. Toys from every corner of Saturday morning cartoons lined the shelves, and, by God, if you wanted to get a kickass Lego set, you could go no further than there. And, of course, Geoffrey the giraffe presided over the whole store, a So, when my sister told me she would be going there yesterday for a new Pokemon, I decided to join her.

Bad idea.


Slowly ruining the childhoods of many Americans.

First of all, for those not in the know, Toys R Us was running a promotion event yesterday where you could bring in your Pokemon Diamon/Pearl/Cubic Zirconium and get a new ghost pokemon called Darkrai. When first hearing about this, I responded with a resounding “Meh”. I mean, I’m a Pokemon purist; the list ends with 151, Mew. Now, there’s about 500 goddamn creatures in the games. It’s ridiculous. Anyway, my sister and I journeyed to our local TRU to pick up this bastardized creature. When we arrived, I knew things were gonna be different; the store had an unusual vibe to it. It didn’t feel like the toy store of old.


Who gives a shit? I just want toys!!!

And it certainly isn’t. They might as well call the place Toys, Clothes, and Random Adult Shit R Us. Seriously. It used to be you’d go in the store and be barraged by toys; now, there’s a clothing section, and entire toddler and baby area, a movie and book department, bikes, and, then, random adult stuff at the front, like tape and Oxy Clean. It’s retarded! They’ve stopped tailoring the store to kids, and now it’s like any other store that adults would go to! It’s like a fucking Wal-Mart without produce. Even their once astonishing Lego selection is now a shell of its former self. Thankfully, there was a video game department for me to hide in, to escape the bastardization of my childhood. But, even this once lair of happiness has degraded into something awful. Who, for any conceivable purpose, would a freaking GPS need to be sold at a TOY STORE?!?! What bothers me even more is the Toys R Us gaming selection. As most people know, TRU has a rule that no M rated games be sold in their stores, so that chilluns can’t get their grubby hands on them. Instead, they flood their shelves with Bratz and Dogz games that no one fucking wants. Oh, and almost an entire quarter of the gaming section was devoted to Guitar Hero 3. Yet, they only had one demo station for the game. And, at that station, the guitar available for play was screwed onto a 2-foot-high pole, making gameplay for someone like me nigh impossible. Sure, they’re trying to tailor the height to little kids, but, come on! What if a parent wanted to play this with their child? Just make it a detachable unit, and everything would be fine.

Now, sure, this sounds like the rantings of a crazed old man who goes on about how “Things were so much better in my day!” But, honestly, I just feel bad for the kids of today who can’t have the same whimsy and excitement I had when walking into my Toys R Us. Instead they’re forced to endure Generic Toy Warehouse.