Oh.

Sweet, sweet God.

How could you do something like this?

How in your name could you let this game, an abomination of such magnitude, be created,
tarnishing the name if video games everywhere?

Actually, let me retract the last statement; this is not a game. This is a high-school kid's
assignment for a programing class ripped-off by a big studio, and placed in unwilling
recipients' cell phones.

And I'd give that kid's assignment a D.

Turok Mobile (based off the newest iteration of the series, not the badass N64 versions)
makes me want to take a Cerebral Bore to my face, groin, and spine. Maybe that mix of
damage would give me a feeling better than this game did. In this "game", you're Turok, a
faux-hawked, indeterminant-raced soldier in the future (which is only a little worse than a
Confederate general riding a T-rex) who gets shot down on a remote planet, and sets out
looking for someone named Kane (who you never find the fucking identity of). First off, I
knew the game was bad when I noticed that, instead of walk, Turok seems to Charleston
forward for movement. Then, I met a member of his team (Whiskey Company? Mother
fucker) who tells Turok to go seek out survivors. Then, I come into contact with a cliff to
climb up, and then jump over. Nothing in my life has ever felt more awkward than
performing these motions (and I've been walked in on while masturbating by my mother
before). Then, I come across 50% of the game's enemy types (yep, that's right, there's
only 2 TYPES OF FUCKING ENEMIES IN TUROK), some little raptor fuck, and I have to
utilise the stealth function, which is this program's only saving grace.

I'll save you from the rest of the story. Suffice it to say, it's dumb as hell, and rather
succinct. I beat this abhoration of a program in under 25 minutes, seeing as there were
only 5 levels. On top of that, you're only given a choice of 2 weapons; a pissant sub-
machine gun, and a knife used in stealth kills (which can only be performed on the other
half of the games enemies, who appear to be retarded Cylons). On top of THAT, there's
only one type of environment to walk through (the shit jungle). on top of THAT, there's
only 1 SINGLE GOD DAMN MOTHER FUCKING BACKGROUND SONG IN THE ENTIRE GAME!!!
AND THERE'S NO SOUND EFFECTS AT ALL!!!

After some trolling in teh interwebs, I found out that there are actually 5 more, varied levels, at least 1 other weapon, and a few other enemies. But, I say, fuck that. I beat the goddamn game (a Whiskey company *groan* marine told me we were fucking going home!!!), and, even so, in 5 levels of this fucking thing, nothing changed. Seriously, if 1/2 the game is shit, the rest isn't coming up dasies. So, I stand by my "FUCK YOU" attitude towards this...this...THING.

God, kill me now.
===================
Previous Mini-Games:
Dead Rising
Final Fantasy Snowboarding
Doom RPG