My eyes! MY EYES!!!!

Devil May Cry has proven to be one of the more interesting series in video game history. After a successful opening chapter, the series turned into pure ass with DMC2, but regained its composure with DMC3. So, Capcom had the bright idea to port the savior of the series (DMC3, the prequel of the series) to cell phones. On today's Mini-Games, I ask the question, "Can a Devil May Cry game work on cell phones?"

The short answer is, fuck no.

The long answer goes like this: First, I'll get all the fancy good news out of the way. Devil May Cry 3D is a miniaturized version of DMC3, complete with Dante and Virgil. Like its console brother, DMC3D has fighting styles like Gunslinger and Royal Guard (though Trickster and the 2 unlockable styles are absent). Plus, everything you loved about the series is still here: the swords, the guns, red orbs, scythe-wielding demons, combo systems, everything. As for the story, what's there isn't that interesting, but, how you get through levels is. The levels follow a branching path, allowing you to choose 2 different areas to go to after each completed level. Also, to add a little more challenge, some branches require a certain item from a previous level or a ranking of A or S on the previous level. Plus, the missions in each level are rather diverse: some have you fighting in the dark, while others have you fighting while poisoned, and others are straight-up fetch quests. With more than 40 levels, there's enough replay value to have you coming back for more...


Dante' pulling off a rather neat style move.

...that is, if you want to play a game filled with suck. Honestly, I believe the controls in this game were programed by an aborted fetus: there's absolutely no targeting system for either weapon (which is a GIGANTIC fucking hassle with the gun), no camera controls (though, that would be almost impossible on a cell phone), and no strafing (so you're constantly shooting or slashing at air). Levels are comprised of 2 or 3 different designs, with 1 or 2 different textures layered on top. Multiply that by the 40+ levels. Yeah; awful. As far as weapons go, never, ever, EVER use the guns: they are about as worthless as a straw and a dish of peas. Even at their highest levels, it took me 20 gun shots to do what the sword could do in 4 slashes. If anyone decided that this game is worth buying and playing, do me a favor: press the mute button on your cell. The music for this game sounds like rejected Doom music. Plus, the music runs on a 10 second loop, with a 1 second silence brake to re-loop. I'd rather listen to an accordion slamming against my nuts than the glorious instrumentation of this game.

The biggest flaw of this game is the fact that it's in 3D: horrible camera controls, lousy movement, and graphics that a Neo Geo Pocket could put to shame are all due to the fact that the game programmers wanted this piece of shit to be more realistic. As we've learned with the past 2 installments of Mini-Games, cell phone games should be side-scrollers, because cell phones can't pull off everything necessary for a 3d game to work. If DMC3D was presented as GoW:B was, with all of the great features of this game, I would purchase it in a heartbeat. Instead, I'd rather have a heart attack than play this again.

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Previous Mini-Games:
God of War
Assassin's Creed
Turok
Dead Rising
Final Fantasy Snowboarding
Doom RPG